Nicole. Did you write one letter or several? My DB coach said I should write an apology letter. No explanations or narrative type writing. Just recognizing what I did wrong during M. She told me to keep it short as possible.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
And remember that marriage just a institution and at the end of the day it's just a piece of a paper. Institutions can be brought down but they can also be rebuild. Don't lose hope.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
Petri, you're also right about marriage as an institution. I'd be so happy to date my husband or fix our relationship in any way possible even if we have to get divorced. It's unbearable to simply lose the most important person in my life, second to my daughter, and think that it can never be fixed. I'd do anything now to stay married after thinking further, but assuming my husband still wants a divorce, I wish to know how I can seek his forgiveness and possibly hope he'll seek mine as well.
If I had been here in September/October alot of people would have torn me apart. All the texts, phone calls etc...oh boy. If I only knew what I know now. I've accepted that our M is out from my hands. I do love my W still but, right now if she would show remorse and wanted to save our M, I'm not sure if I could do that.
Me:39 W:36 S:12 D:9 T:14 M:11 Separation:sep. 1 2017 D filed oct. 2017 D finalized july 2018 OM confirmed feb 2018 D finalized July 2018
The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
Nicole, a very hard part of my own journey was the realization that I wasn't the greatest husband on earth. The realization that I contributed to the collapse of my marriage. It wasn't all WAW's fault.
I think at one point or another, most of us here have had that epiphany. There were things we all wish we had done differently, that would have changed the outcomes of our marriages. For me, it was a number of small realizations. I have apologized to her about them. At first it was about winning her back, but it became more about clearing my conscience and redressing a wrong. It probably didn't help my DB efforts, but at least I feel better about myself.
Did this realization come to late? For me, I think it did. For you? Who knows. No one can tell you that. But hopefully, the new Nicole will learn from the mistakes of the past.
Please do something for yourself today. Let us know how you are moving forward. As Sotto said, baby steps....
M:23 T:26 Me:53, Wife: 60 S:18 D:16 filed 7/16 W moved out 4/28/17
Please don't panic. I can feel the same panic in you I felt many years ago. I so wanted to make amends for my part in our marriage downfall.
But you've said your piece, and I'm sure you worded it brilliantly. He has those emails and he can revisit them at any time if he wishes to. He knows you're sorry for your part, he may not be ready to hear it but you've said it and it's out there.
The best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage is to look to your future. To your happiness. Find your joy in the small things. Take the focus off H. I'm not saying he's not important but you're MORE important right now. I know you want and desperately need guidance to do or say the right thing, and that's understandable. But deep breaths...
By lifting the pressure off him and your marriage you'll be giving both of you a much needed break, some fresh perspective.
I know it sounds sappy, but self love right now is the way forward. I wish you the very best xx
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
OMG girl - please stop this! You are blaming yourself because in your magical thinking, if only you had done X,Y, or Z he would have come home.
Truth is, this is about HIM! This is about a guy who cannot spend time with his daughter and actually told you he wished she hadn't been born! This is about a guy who is shirking his financial duty to his wife and child and has something seriously going wrong with him judging by the state of the house (my bet is still on an addiction of some sort).
If he had trouble with the guilt after returning home he could have said "hey I really want this to work, let's go to counseling together, let's go away on s romantic vacation, etc etc etc. instead you got a guy who came home but didn't make a sincere effort to make it up to you and isn't self aware. And is either gambling or doing drugs or spending money on some other addiction by the sound of it.
Legitimately remorseful guts who just can't live with your disapproval of their affair do NOT treat their daughters like this. Pull off the freaking rose colored glasses. You've been too much of a doormat with him already. He's not who you think he is. Let go and get an attorney to look after your financial rights.
KML, I was moving on two years ago when he left the first time. He saw it and came home. That's when I mistakenly stopped working on myself. I should have not let him come back until it was fixed. Even then I should have used a different strategy. It's comforting to hear that it's not my fault, and that it's about him, but I also have to learn from my mistakes because I made some. If I had done things differently would we be happily married and would everything be perfect? Probably not, but if I had set strict conditions for him coming back, then welcomed him back with love and happiness when he 'passed the test," I believe we would have stood a chance to work through things at least better in a way that didn't lead us to a total crisis.
We each know our own situations best. Looking back, I believe I should have been a more positive person and said to my husband, "imagine how great our life could be if we get help and fix this?" Instead I'd go to him crying at night saying "why aren't you fixing it? When are you going to fix it? How could you do this to us?" Then he'd shut down and close his door and we'd both be miserable.
I've been a negative, spiteful wife which yes, is normal, but that's not productive. I'm not making excuses for my husband's actions but to blame him alone and tell everyone all the bad things he's done without looking at myself is unfair.
My husband has been a terrible father and husband. I hope someday he's sorry because how can anyone do what he's done? But being a nagging, miserable, sad, negative wife didn't help the situation.
That's what I'm trying to communicate. It's hard for me to change from a negative person to a positive person just as I'm sure it's hard for my husband to recognize that he has an addiction or whatever is wrong with him.
My husband's last words before he separated again on September 1st were "please let us have six months to find ourselves to save our marriage."
No matter what it's sad. There's an innocent child who's family is broken and she has no siblings or extended relatives close to her for support. All of my hopes and dreams are gone. So much has been lost. I have to find a way to be more positive but I just don't think saying "screw my husband, I'll be better off without him" is the path I'll take. I'd rather work towards finding a way for my husband and I to forgive each other and make peace. If that's not possible, I'd at least like to recognize how I could have improved the marriage even if I couldn't prevent divorce.
I'll keep reading what you wrote in any case and keep trying to ask myself how my thinking is wrong. Thanks KML!
