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Nicole, I'm sorry, but your spouse probably won't ever say he was sorry. Some might, but from what you've said, I don't ever see it coming from him.

I hope you can get past caring whether he's angry at you or thinks marrying you was a mistake.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
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filed 7/16
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Hi Nicole,

I don't think your H is angry at you or believes your marriage was a mistake...he's saying these things to make himself feel better at what he's doing/how he's behaving. At least subconsciously.

From what you've described of him in the past...this isn't like him, so maybe he's coming from a place of addiction, guilt etc. Who knows? But don't be concentrating on him, or worrying about what he'll feel in the future...your little family unit is what's important now.

I know it hurts, it's fresh and raw...but letting go is seriously the best medicine you can give yourself right now. It's working for me.

Huge hugs Nicole xx


Me 50 H 48
S 23 S 21 D 19
Together 31 years
Married 25 years
Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010
Separated September 2017
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NicoleR Offline OP
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Hi Jim and Caz,

Thanks for your input. It turns out my husband has to go overseas this coming week to escort his father to his home country to visit a dying relative. I hope while he's gone he at least reflects on everything. It's not that I want to concentrate on him, but I still have to work with him through the divorce process, deal with him as our daughter grows up, and depend on him financially until I'm working so his mental state and actions towards me do affect me right now. If he wants a divorce I have no choice about that, but I wish it could be done in a more humane manner.

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All,

Similar to many of you here, I've been discovering more and more things that I did wrong that pushed my husband away. These past few days amidst the grief and sorrow I started to see my own actions more clearly. Over the past two years, after my husband returned the first time after he left, I pressured him a lot to fix the marriage and I kept waiting for him to do it. I was so fixated on him doing something to fix what he'd done that I wasn't a nice person. I made a lot of mean and sarcastic comments, he'd try to kiss my cheek and I'd turn it away, he'd come home from work and say hi and I'd look down and say nothing, he'd ask my opinion about something with the house he was building and I'd insult him for spending too much money and say he should cancel the idea....the list goes on.

Just recently I told my husband he's not even 2% of what a father should be. It's somewhat true but how can I expect my husband to want to return home to fix the marriage when this is how I've been?

I'm not excusing my husband's actions. He shouldn't have left the first time, shouldn't have had an affair, and shouldn't have prioritized money and the new house over his family. He said those terrible things about our daughter recently and he's not paying all the bills. All those things are bad.

But now I'm left to see my role and how I was bitter, mean, sarcastic, miserable, and made him suffer for what he did.

These realizations came too late. My husband already wants a divorce. I sent him several long apologies these past few days citing specific things I did wrong and how sorry I am. I don't even know if he read them. He didn't respond. Now he's on his way overseas.

Suddenly I realized that my husband did love me. I thought back over the past ten years and remembered all the things that he's done to support me. Who he is currently is nothing like the man that I married, but he did try. Up until recently he would apologize profusely for anything he did wrong.

Now my husband is fed up and wants a divorce. As if my heart wasn't already broken now it's even more broken. I love my husband. He's not an abuser. He chose to have an affair, got caught up in shopping and being financially irresponsible, and he has impulse problems and maybe an addiction to shopping or pornography, all of which are serious issues, but a lot of his frustration and anger may come from the breakdown of our marriage.

Is it really too late? Is there any realistic chance of reconciling before or after the divorce?

Either way I will work on changing myself. I know I have to let go of my husband but there is this last small glimmer of hope that is so hard to let go of. Yes, he's done all those bad things but now I feel like I could actually carry out the LRT but is it too late? I don't think I did well at all with the LRT these past few months because I was sick and psychologically not stable, but my guess is most of you will say it's too late now.

Is there ever a case where two people get together again after divorce? I feel deeply sorry and devastated that I pushed him away further until he decided on divorce. It was a downward spiral and I would have done anything to see how my actions contributed but now it's too late.

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Nicole. Take a breath. Stop and breathe.

We all made mistakes. MR is a two way street. Stop blaming yourself for it all. He made the decision to cheat. You didn't force his hand. He did that.

I know I screwed up a few things too (not really that much), but I never made my W go have sex with another man. She did that completely on her own just like your WH did that on his own.

Yes, some people do get remarried after divorce. If you two do that, remember that it will have to be like a completely different relationship.

Is it too late for LRT to make a difference? Maybe it is. I started LRT in the middle of the second week and I'm still getting a D. I've been LRT/GAL/180 for 2 months, and it has not made a change in my WW's behavior. I just had to learn to accept that D is part of my life now. You will learn to accept it too, if it happens.

Stop blaming yourself for it all. Go read my threads. I had the same thoughts. Read what AH, Vanilla, Surfer, Sandi, the Joes, and everyone else told me when I was in a similar place. I think it was in my 3rd or 4th thread when I was taking responsibility for making my W into WW.

It simply isn't all your fault, so stop beating yourself up about it.

Nicole... It may be too late to save your MR. That's a realistic possibility. But it's not too late for Nicole to become the best Nicole, the best mother, and the best person that she can be.

I am trying to learn this too... Our marriages are not our lives. Our lives can INCLUDE marriage, but they don't HAVE to. It has been hard for me to put this into action within my life lately, but I am doing my best and so will you.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
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Hi Nicole,

It's good to have some insight into your own role in the marriage. What you've described is hurt and anger...two very understandable things after an affair. Don't beat yourself up...learn from it.

Nothing excuses your H's actions and words...you didn't make him do or say these things. Please keep that in your mind going forth.

You've sent your apologies, he's got time to read and digest them. Give him space now. Give yourself space. Continue on the road to being the best you, you can be. Find your happiness without him right now, who knows what the future will bring. Letting go in a loving way doesn't mean giving up...it just gives you both time to breathe.

Just stop blaming yourself. It's a normal natural cycle of emotions but try and find your happiness. xx


Me 50 H 48
S 23 S 21 D 19
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Thanks Joe and Caz. Here's the thing - my husband and I have been through this before. He left two years ago and because at that time I had confidence, thanks to my excellent marriage counselor, and I was working, and I had a close social network, and I was healthy at that time I was quite strong and my husband came back within eight weeks. He said he was so impressed by how well I was doing. He said he was so sorry, he was so depressed, he couldn't live without his family. It was like a dream-come-true. But then I waited, and waited... He was busy and didn't want to talk about what had happened. Now looking back I understand because he was ashamed and he didn't want to face what he had done. He didn't know how to move on because I held it over his head in every part of our life. I became frustrated that he wasn't doing anything to fix it, but what I should have done was spend time with him. I should have smiled, hugged him, let him go out freely and feel comfort in knowing he had chosen to come back. I didn't do those things though. I was a miserable, sad person who rejected anything he did do.

Now he's gone again, and this time everyone it is my fault. It wasn't my fault that he left the first time and went wild and had an affair. But now he's tired because nothing he did made me happy and he didn't have the strength to talk about his affairs because he knew I'd just keep punishing him.

Guys all I want in the world is my husband but in this latest turn of events, particularly me raising the topic of divorce two weeks ago, I believe my husband really is done because he's tired of all this.

I'm tired too but I just can't bear to think that I didn't appreciate my second chance with my husband. After my husband came back two years ago I stopped seeing a counselor, I stopped reading self-help books, I forgot everything I had been doing to work on myself because I was so happy and now my husband is gone again.

I'd do anything in the world to have one more chance. Just one chance to hold my husband again and to smile at him. He left to go overseas and he didn't even stop by to see our daughter or say goodbye. He didn't respond to my apologies.

I canceled my medical test this morning because I couldn't handle it. I was crying on the phone with scheduler telling her I'm having a personal crisis and can't make it.

Please someone tell me there could be one more chance.

I've never felt this awful. As I said to Joe on his thread I lived and worked in the middle of war zones and I was strong. I lived in a normal house in a normal neighborhood with local guys guarding the building and I dealt with Al Qaeda and all the different militia groups up close and personal. That was dangerous because many Westerners were getting abducted and getting their heads cut off. But I was comfortable with that risk. Now I can't even wake up and take out the trash.

How can I ever get through this? Caz, Joe, Sara, Vanilla, everyone who's been helping - is there no way to exchange numbers or facebook profiles? I'm talking to my friends and therapist but unless you're going through this, or have been through it, you just can't understand. I was telling one of my friends who got divorced a long time ago I had no idea how hard it was because she looked ok from the outside.

There is one divorce support group here where I live but I don't have anyone to watch my daughter at that time.

IF there could just be hope of one more chance with my husband, even if by that point I'd be the one to say it couldn't work, I believe I could start to feel better. But this feeling that it's too late forever is killing me literally.

Sorry guys you've said so many things to help, you've generously shared your time and advice and I don't mean to sound like I don't value it. I'm clinging to your every word. But right now all I can think about is how I blew my second chance and don't have another one. It's so hard just to exist right now.

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I know how it is. You desperately want someone to tell you how the situation should be handled in order to create a certain outcome. But that's beyond what any of us are capable of.

By all accounts my WW should be begging for me back within the next few months. Will that happen? Probably NOT! I had to become OK with that. And I am.

Don't blame yourself completely. Yes, we all played a part in how things happened. But it is not ALL your fault that things are this way now.

Nicole, I can't tell you that you have another chance. That's up to your H at this point. But you will one day be OK without him. I am guilty of trying to rush my own personal grieving process, and I can tell you that it doesn't work. You have to take the time. It is crappy but true.

Nicole, you are a strong woman. You will get through this.


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Hi Nicole, I think you are being hard on yourself sweetie. From where I am sitting, you didn't fail to take the opportunity you were given and you have both had your part in getting to the current situation.

No-one posting can tell you your marriage is going to be healed. We just don't know how things will unfold. However, I can tell you that you will be healed and that your life will be full and happy again, regardless of whether you continue to be married to this man.

In DBing terms, sending him long apology letters and desperately owning your part is likely to just drive him further away. It is time to put on your own oxygen mask, accept him as gone - at least for now - and start moving painfully forward. Even if it is just taking baby steps, a baby step forward on the right path is a step forward, no matter how small.

What is the right path? Looking after you, focusing on your child, getting yourself well again, being kind to yourself, rebuilding your life with him gone, securing your future, letting him be, making new friends in time, working in time. All things that are within your gift, even if you move towards them slowly and with faltering steps, because you feel so fragile.

BTW, I don't post must on FB, but I believe many on the forum do post on the Divorce Busting area of FB. That's all I know, but I know it may be possible to connect with others IRL if you have a look..

So, I'd love for your next posting to have nothing to do with your H - he's not central just now - truly I hope you can see this. Let it be all about you and how you are going to move a few steps forward in the coming week. What tiny bits of progress are you going to make - regardless of him and what he may do.

I recall realising myself that - even if my marriage were to be restored - I had to know that I could make it alone - otherwise I felt the fear would always be there...

Food for thought hopefully - and BTW - Divorce care is a fantastic option. If you contact them and let them know your dilemma, they may be able to help. I still volunteer with my divorce care group and I'm sure we would look after someone's child at the meeting venue, if it helped them attend the group...

You will feel stronger and brighter soon Nicole, I promise you xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Joe, yeah, I know no one can make any assurances but I feel I can't accept that it's over yet. Maybe I'll re-commit to the LRT for the remaining weeks that I'm married, in case there's .05% hope and to try to develop a better roadmap for myself.

Sotto, I sent the apologies because I have nothing to lose. My husband already decided he's done, but when I made those realizations I felt compelled to apologize. Even if I can't change my husband's position I want him to know I'm sorry. I did also make contact with Divorce Care in the new city where I'm planning to move and already talked with their group leader. Thanks for mentioning them!

Thanks for the tip about the DB forum on Facebook. There are some great resources there I didn't know about! I created a different facebook profile and posted some comments there. If anyone wants to connect there you'll know who I am.

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