It is good that you are thinking through the issues. I think as time passes and you get some distance from the situation, you may view it differently. Whatever is wrong with him, it is not a good situation for you or your daughter and you need to discuss with an attorney the implications for whatever path you take and what happens if he is not cooperative in the process.
Don't try to put a label on him, it will cause great difficulties.
Narc isn't in any case about control. Narc is about selfishness and it's in the DSM, everyone needs some narc and it's only when it goes high it's a DSM issuE.
What I see is abuse which is control. To get money, resources and ones own way. Don't assume that control is abuse or that abuse is always control in a physical way.
Comments such as you have had about your D in front of your D are abuse. Deliberate and anti social. I have no doubts about it.
And where there is one rat there are 50 hidden.
Comments like this show Intent and he feels comfortable enough to flip it away. There has been no apology either.
You stayed with your D in horrible places whilst he kinged himself in luxury.
Compulsion and addiction are low impulse disorders, and he shows no sign of wanting to control those.
This is truly hard accepting that you are a target for abuse. That's how targets are.
Abuse does not have to be ranting and raging, there are other kinds which are subtle gaslighting.
Whether he gaslighted or he raged the end result is he is king of his own castle and would have his subjects subjugated.
If you can't take to the abuse thread and you have hunted to hear there is no issue with him, possibly because that's what you wanted to hear. Then try another resource, Google the Freedom programme it's online and great to help you identify abusers and their type. It's called living with the dominator. I am a Freedom abuse counsellor, and I think someone with these skills can help you more than any IC who can cure him.
Abuser learn from IC, they get better at their techniques.
I know you are struggling with this and it is a great struggle.
Only by helping yourself can you live a free life for yourself and your beautiful D.
Please consider abuse resources IRL.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you for giving us some in depth information. Try to concentrate on you and your health right now. Please don't feel you have to respond to everyone individually...we all know how hard it is to keep track. And what an emotional time you're having. The most important issue is for you to speak to your attorney about your financial state. Hopefully they can advise you on your best course of action to get the financial outcome you need for you and your daughter.
I'm so sorry you're going through this and money is so tight. Just go for those walks with your daughter, breath the fresh air, anything that helps you stay calm. I used to put some music on and dance around the kitchen with my children, it took me out of my funk. I know you're exhausted but even five mins can be exhilarating and distraction enough. Everything can seem like hard work right now. Just do a little at a time.
Have you heard about the tapping solution? It's a series of taps on the face and chest...it sounds bizarre but it works to calm anxiety and depression. My counsellor introduced it to me to help me with flashbacks and other issues regarding my H. It may be a useful tool for you, if you look it up I'm sure there would be info online.
Good luck and huge hugs on the medical tests. Here for you x
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
Ownit, thanks. Yeah I'm working on the legal side of things in between medical tests and hope to have a clear path in place to get out of this disaster.
Vanilla, my husband's actions recently have been abusive in nature for sure. That wasn't him previously though. Whatever changed in him, he doesn't show signs of getting treatment and there's nothing I can do. I checked the Freedom Programme really briefly but it looks like I'd need to watch some videos or enroll in a training. I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that in the near future but I'll remember it for as soon as possible. I did review a few other abuse websites but I don't see a strong match with my husband based on how he's been over the long term. If anything I've done more of those things than he up until recently. My mother however was verbally abusive throughout my upbringing and I did view myself as a victim of her behavior. I also had no idea what a narcissist was in my 20's but now looking back I believe the guy I was dating for eight years then had those tendencies. So I was and am vulnerable to such people and despite heavily vetting my husband with friends and colleagues he turned out bad too. My husband, however, wasn't this selfish flaming monster for the first seven years. This is a new side of him. As the psychologist says my husband isn't 'grounded' so I guess it didn't take much for him to go flying off the deep end after he started working and experiencing real American life Somewhere along the way he cracked. I went over to my husband's house when he was at work last week (I'm a legal owner with a key) just to see what was happening there since I imagined it must be so beautiful by now. I wanted to see if what he's been telling me matched what I saw. I was shocked to see barely any progress on the construction. There wasn't even a kitchen. There were construction materials everywhere and dust. My husband's room where he's been living is like a room full of trash - crumpled clothing and papers lining the entire floor. I was honestly shocked. I thought for sure after all that money and all those excuses the house was done, but it wasn't. So where's all his money going? I don't know. He obviously did some really bad things and is in big financial trouble. So again regarding my husband I don't know. There's too much I don't know. He's exhibited abusive qualities recently but am I a victim of abuse who needs to see an abuse counselor? I don't know. I think I should just get through the divorce and medical tests for now since I'm not sure I have the luxury to add anything new. I volunteered for a crisis hotline for many years and listened to so many stories of abuse. It's not quite a match with what's happening to me with my husband although that's not to say what my husband has become recently isn't an abuser. The marriage is ending so I won't be around to see if the abusive qualities stick with him. My husband's behavior is a close match to what we know people having MLC's and affairs. At the end-of-the-day, my husband no longer loves me. He could care less what happens to me now. He turned into a stranger much like the other stories here.
Caz, thanks for your support and understanding. I'm trying so hard to plan a few things each day that my daughter and I can do together that help with the stress. That's so cute you used to dance with your kids. I'll try the tapping solution next time I feel like I can't take it anymore (which is a few times every day). I'll see my therapist on Wednesday and will ask if she's heard of it and has other suggestions as well.
I thought for sure after all that money and all those excuses the house was done, but it wasn't. So where's all his money going? I don't know. He obviously did some really bad things and is in big financial trouble.
KML, OMG that would be horrible if he's into drugs. I hope that's not true. He's a physician dealing with people's lives every day. I never thought of that before.
Oh honey. Your h sounds like he was snatched by the same gremlin that took mine and maybe many others. He too was as far away from this type of man as possible, and he detested anybody like that. He also, like yours is cheery and upbeat with others but i am treated like the enemy. Maybe we just remind them of their own guilt too much that they can’t stand it and don’t know how to behave us.
You saying about having frequent moments of not being able to take any more is totally normal at the beginning, slowly, although the pain might still be there, it no longer impacts your mood or the day so much. I’m like caz, I frequently dance around with the kids. Might kids are part Asian and part Latin so music is a big thing in both cultures. Things like taking a walk and breathing in that fresh air are so good for you. You might initially feel like it’s hard work to get out, but once you do it’s guaranteed to boost your mood. Really take in your surroundings too, distract your mind. Is there any groups you can take your daughter to? Any stay and play? Seeing your daughter laugh is the best medicine.
You’re being so strong, you’re doing great and we are all here for you
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
Physicians are not immune to addictions. Anesthesiologists especially have been known to get into trouble. Access and a sense of superiority (as in, I won't get addicted because I know too much) can lead to a fall.
