OMG, the rage I felt reading the parting words your husband said to you. I wish I had been there because I would likely kick him in the nards. You are an AMAZING woman and he is a stupid, stupid, stupid idiot. You cannot reconcile with this man. If you divorce him and and he gets a clue and then does the work to woo you back (and work on his awfulness) then you can reconcile. If my husband said I should have aborted my kids I would be blinded with rage.
This is the bottom line, do whatever you have to for protecting yourself and child financially, emotionally and physically. You MUST go NC as much as possible. I know in my state I can have WH pay back legal fees of the divorce. Set a list with concrete goals, rule in or out surgery and plan from there. Where is your family? Is there anyone you can reach out to?
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
It would be much better to analyse your WH behaviour than to label him a narc or anything else. Without a proper clinical diagnosis it really isn't helpful.
The key issue is if you have been a target of a systematic abuser. If you have sadly there is no turn around as it was there before you were involved and will extend afterwards.
I sense you are very confused and probably targeted. And if that is so then you will need help from an abuse support group IRL. Your health will be poor because trauma does this. Extreme self care for you and your lovely D.
It's awful, truly to be a target in this way. And the things abusers say go beyond mean and vindictive. Disgusting and beyond the pale.
The Giggalo told me that my father should smother my mother, it was easy enough. He also said my body was disgusting and he felt sick just looking at me. That he hoped I would trip and fall out of a first floor balcony window.
These things are sickening and evil. Your WH and his potty mouth need to be recorded for public consumption.
My view is very straightforward Nicole, you act on mediation when you are ready. If you aren't up to dealing with it then don't do it. And when you do have full support from a licensed abuse counsellor for battered women. To do otherwise may further traumatise. Go at your pace.
You seem very low indeed in mind and spirit. I am here to tell you that you can heal, to do that you will need complete NC and peace and quiet. That's hard if you haven't accepted that you were a target for abuse. Even reading the abuse thread takes energy although from your description I sense high levels of abuse. And abuse isn't about physical contact, it might be easy to recognise if it was so.
It's ok to feel this disorientated with this. It's also ok to be confused by your abuser. It's clearly trauma bond experience and only NC will assist you.
Big hugs
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you so much everyone. I didn't have a chance to write today but I'll do my best to respond to each of your posts tomorrow including the past due ones. Thanks again!
I often think the word abuse is thrown around to lightly around here. I am afraid in your case, it may actually be true. Emotional abuse really appears evident here. It wasn't like one day he was such a nice guy and then he flipped. He has been this way for a while. To tell you he wished he aborted your daughter in front of her?! That is actually EVIL.
You are worried about peaceful collaborative mediation, but the odds are slim you are going to get that from a sociopath like your husband. Unless you give him exactly what he wants. I also hate hate hate to say it, but I don't see him being a significant figure in your daughter's life, so keeping the peace in coparenting shouldn't be such a concern.
I agree with KML. Take your daughter as far away from this man as legally possible.
You have been made to believe you are not strong enough. BUT YOU ARE! you need to believe in your strength.
Sometimes the hardest part of this journey is mourning that the person we married is not the person we thought they were. It's like mourning a death. But moving past the denial part of that grieving must be done. For you and your daughter's sake. Get the help of any family and friend you might have and escape this man. Please. For you and your daughter. That kind of monster isn't going to become a man your daughter should be around overnight.
I am sorry to be so blunt, but your daughter needs you to be strong. You need to lawyer up, get as away as you can and rally the help of anyone that you can around you.
You need to look in that mirror everyday and tell yourself how strong you are. Because you are going to need to be strong for two. I know you can do it.
Hi Everyone, I'll just respond generally quickly and then see if I'm able to retroactively respond to your specific posts which I appreciate so much.
Regarding being an abuse victim, honestly I'm not sure. I did read the Zelda thread and looked some things up online. Definitely neglect, emotional indifference, and withholding affection are things that my husband has done. He's never been controlling in any way though. And he's not a narcissist. It's always nice to find a label for someone that can explain everything but in my husband's case I'm certain that's not his problem. I've seen four marriage counselors since we first got married and a psychologist and none of them have ever suggested abuse as being a problem for us. No one who knows us has suggested narcissism in relation to my husband either. So I'm not sure. Maybe you all see something that I can't see, and that no one else has seen. I don't have enough clarity in my thoughts currently to be sure.
Up until he left two years ago my husband rarely ever meant to hurt me. On the contrary, I would attack and criticize him in the years leading up to his departure for things he did wrong and he would apologize profusely. For the first seven years we knew each other, and five years that we were married, my husband would apologize even when I was the one wrong. For many years I felt he was the greatest man in the world. He did so much for me. He always supported me.
Something did snap in my husband around two-and-a-half years ago. Suddenly he stopped talking to me. He would sit staring at the wall or stay in his room. When I'd ask him what's wrong he'd say "I don't like my life. I don't like my career. I don't like being married." Then a few months later he left. He was out dating and spending hours in the gym every night and almost got kicked out of his residency program.
Then he came back. He said he couldn't live without us. He said we'd fix everything. Then he never wanted to fix things. I'd ask him, I'd look miserable, I'd try to carry on alone, I'd reach out and he'd reject me and I'd spend nights in tears and he'd get angry.
Now here we are. He's gone and he's saying these terrible words and wants to get divorced. He said two nights ago "he just wants to be free." I guess he has no love for me and just wants to be free, away from me, to live his life.
There is something mentally wrong with my husband. He's wrecked his life financially, he's anti-social, he's acting erratically, doesn't spend time with his daughter, and he has no empathy for me being sick recently.
I'm really not sure how to categorize our situation. It sounds similar to many other people here who are losing their spouses. In the case of my husband and I, I believe we're both emotionally weak and drained right now and living in a crisis.
The hardest part for me is that my husband has always apologized deeply for anything bad he says, but these last few weeks there are no apologies whatsoever. Just anger that escalates when I add any pressure or show emotion myself.
I'm just exhausted. I have no idea. The feedback from the psychologist who met my husband is that he's "not grounded, has no sense of identity, is immature, and doesn't know where he's headed in life."
That's why sometimes it's hard for me to not wonder if my husband will ever return to his right mind and at least be sorry, or if this is his real self and he was just acting all those years.
It's too hard to make sense of everything. I just know I have to go through a divorce now and all my dreams have been shattered. I'll still work on responding to you individual posts as much as I can!
Ok so I rattled off that message but realized I didn't elaborate on the narcissist part. I don't believe my husband is a narcissist because he's not a controlling person. He doesn't have high self-esteem and doesn't seek admiration from others...some of the things they list on the narcissism personality resource places. He used to be an empathetic person and from what I see, he still is to everyone else except me. I hear him on the phone and he's still the same nice guy to everyone else. Just not me.
I think my husband may have something like bi-polar disorder, addiction tendencies (to spending money, shopping), or PTSD. Maybe he's depressed. Maybe he just wasn't equipped to deal with life here in the US coming from a country where life was very simple. He lived with his parents, who took care of everything for him, before he came here. Then I took care of everything when we were married up until a few years ago. Maybe he wants to be free to live his own life because he feels like he didn't get that option and I'm the obstacle.
I still can't understand it. Maybe I'm all wrong and he's a narcissist but I know one of the limitations of forums like these is that we only get a small snapshot into each other's lives and marriages. Our perceptions of things may be different than reality.
I'll try to stop there or else I'll keep writing forever!
Trying to catch up now from the beginning of thread number two:
Subitai - Thanks. It's so hard when our kids have to hear their parents fight. It breaks my heart.
Caz - I really to do meditation and other exercises but currently I'm too exhausted at the end-of-the-day. My daughter and I do kids yoga together and go for walks. I'm seeing a therapist. I did a massage the other week. I'm really, really financially broke at the moment so I may have to wait on a homeopathic doctor but I'm doing additional medical tests this week and next to see if something else is wrong.
Joe - I'm doing everything within my power to love my daughter and offer her security. We're together all the time except when she's in preschool for three hours per day. She's fallen asleep in my arms every night of her life and we sleep together in the same bed. I keep telling her that I'll always love her and care for her and still love her father even though he's gone.
2016sux - It really sounds like my husband is going through a MLC. That's what the psychologist also suggested as well even though my husband isn't quite within the normal age range. That's so sad about how your son suffered from your husband leaving. How is your life going now?
Ownit - It's hard to tell if that's good or bad that your husband asked for a divorce but never filed. I'm sure you wish to have closure at some point. I'd love to delay my divorce to be stronger first. My husband, on the other hand, came two nights ago and said he wants to do it as fast as possible so he can be free.
Anotherstander - I guess my husband will have all the time in the world when he's divorced and free from this curse that he calls marriage. I have no choice but to go through with it and try to move on.
Sotto - I wish so badly there'd be hope. Or I wish so badly that I'll find someone that I'll love more than my husband not in 20 years but soon. I know it can't be right away, but one thing I realize is how much I loved being married and how much I'd love to share life with someone.
KML - I did talk to an attorney and mediator last week and will be doing more on the legal end this week.
PsySara - It seems my husband is working on acquiring knowledge of the divorce process so he can proceed right away. Up until last week he never mentioned divorce before. He always just said he wanted to think. Now he wants to get divorced right away. It's such a relief and so amazing that your husband never filed. I'd do anything to be in your shoes!
Maika - Thanks so much for your words of encouragement!
Ownit - I think I covered most of your points but the agreement my husband and I signed is just a written agreement between the two of us that covers financial issues and child care issues until we reconcile or divorce. There's no legal separation here in our state so that's all I could do.
Jim - Thanks for your clear directions and for saying it's not my fault. I did contribute but I agree it's not my fault that my husband cheated, left twice, isn't paying stuff, etc... I do have a lot of documentation but hope it won't get to the point where we have a full court battle. I just hope there's a better way.
PsySara - Yeah what my husband said about our daughter is unforgivable. That's the worst thing he's ever said and I hope someday he'll repent before God if he ever thinks deeply enough to be sorry for his actions. My family is far away geographically and I'm not close to them. I don't think I'll tell them about the divorce for at least a year or until I'm feeling better. Getting them involved would be a disaster. I do wish though I had a supportive family. If I did I'd at least feel comfortable knowing I can go to live with them if all else fails, but that would never be an option. I have to go through this alone and with the help of friends and colleagues.
All, I'm so sorry for the messages to which I didn't respond from the first thread but I'm so far behind. Again thank you so much for your input. I'm so thankful for all of you.
