I was gutted when my husband insisted on divorce too. It was like being BD-ed all over again. And it is. You will pull yourself again.
I agree with Ownit. Being divorced from him is actually healthier if it means your legal status matches his emotional status. It's clearer and will be helpful in your detaching. Plus you've been absolved for any responsibility in this disaster. It's all on his head when your daughter wants to know what happened in years to come. I know it's not any comfort but those are the facts.
My WH is 38. He fits many signs of MLC but I'm not 100% sure, and frankly I don't know if it matters. I read somewhere that if earlier transitions were not made (i.e. as a teenager or as a young adult), then MLC can kick in early and extra hard. My WH matches this profile in that he was a very agreeable teenager, on the surface. I know he had deep issues of loss and fear at this age - he told me when things were good. He was petrified of losing his parents' approval. My MiL used to boast that while all her friends' kids were running amok, WH was the only well behaved nice kid that never gave his parents the slightest grief. Still waters run deep and she was looking to the wrong markers for success because as a human being, someone who lies and cheats and leaves his young family is a much bigger failure compared to someone who was stroppy and angsty as a teenager but pulls it together later. A transition is a test and my WH has never been tested - Mummy and Daddy darling have always been there to cushion the blows. They're even paying his half of the mortgage now so he can continue his playboy lifestyle with Horse-Face. So I would say age doesn't disqualify your WH from being in MLC.
I think the link doesn't say what you can do to facilitate reconciliation because, quite simply, I don't think there is anything. Apart from what you're already having to do, which is pick yourself off the floor after this devastation.
You're not alone and you're not an exception. If others can feel better and recover, so can we.
Very sorry Nicole, it's a terrible thing to go through for sure! Regarding the books I've read both and they are quite similar, the biggest difference is Michele made some changes to DR to reinforce that recon takes a lot of time. She said that some people read DB and were left with the impression that DB'ing is a "quick fix" but it wasn't her intent to make people think that. Since you've read DR before I think you'll be fine just re-reading DB.
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The link about MLC does characterize my husband but he's only 36. The link also doesn't say what someone can do to allow reconciliation to happen.
The approach towards a WAS and MLCer is mostly the same, it's about giving them time and space while you work on yourself. The biggest difference is MLCers can take MUCH longer to come out of the fog. 4 or 5 years is not unusual. And MLCers tend to be much more angry/ resentful/ hurtful towards the LBS during the whole process.
I'm sorry to read this Nicole and big hugs to you ((((Nicole)))) It is horrible to hear those words for sure and of course you are sad...
Is there hope? Absolutely, there is always hope if you choose to leave the door open to a possible reconciliation. Situations go to all sorts of places and still some people reconcile. So do remember one of the 37 rules which says not to give up hope no matter how hopeless things may feel. His words and actions right now need not affect hope if you choose to remain hopeful..
Now, I would sit right back and not mention divorce again. If he mentions it, that's up to him. And if he wants a divorce, you can sit back and let him initiate every step of the way. In my case, I let XH do every bit of the running and I purely responded as and when..
I also think it was 6 months or so after XH said he would file before he actually did file...
Any ways my lovely - absorb this latest development, look after you, leave him be - and do consult a L and have your chosen L ready just in case.
Xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Now, I would sit right back and not mention divorce again.
I (kinda) disagree here. Only because of your financial situation. I would consult an attorney and figure out what you need to do to protect your financial interests. Sometimes that involves filing, sometimes not. But do what is in the best financial interests of you and your child. If he's benefiting financially by not filing, it could take a very long time for him to file.
AND NO LBS SPOUSE EVER GOT THEIR WAS BACK BY NOT FILING. Being a doormat or letting them take financial advantage of you has never brought one home. And the ones who want to come home will do so whether you have filed or not.
Then he can file and do all the leg work. you just need to sit back and take care of yourself. If I had a dime for every time WH told me he wanted to S/D I would be rich. Keep on doing your thing, refuse to engage in his game.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Friends, your input is valuable. I was too upset and tired last night to write the details of what happened. Yesterday I spoke with a divorce lawyer and a mediator (separately). I learned about the roles and services of both. Later I called my husband to ask what he'll be able to pay towards my credit card because he hasn't followed up with a payment as he previously promised. He said he had a big payment for the contractors working on his house, he doesn't have money, he's not sure, etc.. I told him the informal nature of this separation can't continue because until I get a new job, hopefully soon, I need his help. He said "oh I sent you $X last week and last month..." Basically there's no assurance from him that our expenses will be covered.
Given the circumstances, I told my husband I spoke with a mediator and shared with him the time commitment and cost of working with her to formalize his support to us in a divorce. He said ok, I'll think about it
Later he came to see our daughter and asked if he could talk to me. He said he thought for two hours and he's done. He wants to schedule with the mediator to get a divorce. He talked about how he tried to make things work with me and it didn't work. This is hard for me to accept because he left two years ago for a nurse with whom he was cheating and basically ignored me since he returned, so it's hard to see how he tried.
So that's how it happened. I don't know what I should have done differently. He signed an informal separation agreement between the two of us committing to paying certain costs and spending certain nights with our daughter but he's not honoring the agreement. He keeps saying he's busy, tired, stressed, etc.. which I'm sure he is, but he left us to live in his new house knowing I wasn't working and got sick. I really need his help.
I know pressuring my husband on the finances may be a bad move, but the situation is now critical because I'm running out of limit on my credit card and don't have reserves left. It doesn't make sense to pick up a random low-paying job here when I know I can get a professional job when I move, so trying to get any job here in this city just for a few weeks doesn't make sense. If I can get my health improved, or at least rule out surgery, I'll move and get a new job. My husband is earning a very high salary, one that is more than sufficient to help us out until I'm working. He's just irresponsibly been blowing the money on frivolous upgrades to his house and on other expenses that I can't imagine (another woman? who knows).
I'd love to wait for my husband to make the next move because I don't now, and haven't ever, wanted a divorce, but waiting for him likely means defaulting on bills and delaying the move which means delaying finding a new job. Basically waiting means my situation will keep getting worse and I can't let that happen.
I'm still struggling to understand how all this happens. I blame myself for continuing to try to stay married after my husband left the first time. I should have ended it with him. Instead I lived in another two years of misery and agony waiting on his promise that we'd fix everything which never happened.
My husband said as he left last night "I should have divorced you years ago and you should have aborted our daughter." Those are such cruel words. I know I shouldn't want to spend another day with a man like that, who says that in front of his daughter while she watches him say all these things, but I'm still in inconsolable because this was the man who promised to love me forever, who was so perfect for over five years, and who said we'd be buried next to each other when we die. It's still hard to understand what truly happened. None of this seems real. I still feel like one night the real version of my husband will come back and will be the same as he used to be, except I know that won't happen.
I wish so much to send a response to each of your messages. I'm so sorry, I'm just so upset that all I can do is rattle off this message for now because I haven't slept or eaten and I can't barely think. I really hope to catch up more tomorrow. Thanks again for all of your input.
He sounds a little like my H, in that he may have got defensive when you mentioned D. He may not have heard how it was to help your financial situation, just heard that YOU were now standing up for your situation.
I think you were and are thinking straight and clearly, you need this financial stuff sorted and if H truly wants back into the marriage filing a separation agreement won't stop him in the long run.
Don't feel bad, this is just scary stuff, but it's only one more step to follow. He said he'd been thinking about this for two hours...that's hardly a life changing introspection, there'll be more time and more thinking. Don't panic. xx
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
For so many of us, the rosy tinted glasses come off during this time and we see that the person we thought we were married to isn't who we thought they were - at least not now. It is important to accept that and grieve the loss of what you thought you had, rather than wishing and hoping he would change..
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I am so sorry Nicole for what you're going through right now. That is a horrific thing for someone to say, but on the other side, now you have serious confirmation how much he thinks of you and your daughter. That was plain cruel on his part.
I am rooting for your health to improve as fast as it can so that you can move and find a job in your field and start flourishing again. Your daughter is going to have that loving environment with you and you will be an excellent role model for her with your confidence and swagger back. Just hang in there for just a little bit.
If this is how this man talks, he doesn't deserve you as a partner and your daughter's love.
