I am a newcomer here, though during the course of previous week or so I have read through tons lots of threads. Sorry for the long post
Here is the story of my life:
We met 10 years ago, it was 2 years after my first divorce (youth love, 6 Years together, 1 year M), which was doomed as we were still kids (Me 21, xW 22). Everything went quite fast, and wile she was not living in our home country, 9 Months later we were married. It was the happiest day of my life, and hers as well.
In the course of the next 9 years, I have moved to her to Germany, our two gorgeous Kids were born (S-9Y, D-5Y) we went from counting every penny to buying a nice house and both working in a lead positions. During last 1.5 years she exhibited daily headaches and some depression. She started to work on it with a therapist, and even going to a burn-out clinic. Also in the last couple of years I got increasingly depressed with myself. I had everything I ever wanted, and I lost a goal in my life, spent my evenings in front of TV, or playing video games. I had also some serious health issues, or at least I thought I have, and it resulted me being very frustrated and affraid, and I did not share these with her much.
Couple of times over the course of this year, I initiated talks that we need to think about divorce as we are too different and I do not feel myself good in this relationship. It was so stupid of me, but it was my way to express demand for a change. She took it very seriously. At first she suggested we go to a counseling, which I denied as I said it will not help. I want to slap myself in the face for saying that.
Anyways, end of October after we had some argument, she moved to sleep with our daughter, and I still was blind, though became more cautious, and some evening in November I found a messenger thread on her phone with OM, with very emotional discussions and words like "my love" and her hate towards me . I was so angry that I confronted her with she trying to make me soft, but i was resistant and I said I will do everything to take the kids from her. Next days she (planned) when to a short trip with the kids and one day later I received a letter from her lawyer, saying I need to move out and she wants a calm divorce. This was my first wake up call. I called her, we talked for some time, and I said I want to drive and see her face to face. We met, talked about it, I said I do not want to leave her, and we can make it work. As I had other business trip planned, I said i will take two more extra days off and we will meet afterwards to decide. She already wanted "couple of months" separation by then, but agreed. So I had a good trip, gave it another thought, but deep in my heart I wanted to be with her. After I came back, we talked and I said we need to give it another try and she said Ok. I also committed to become a better H and to take care of kids in the morning and help her more. I moved back home, and we had normal life for 5 days, before one evening, I updated her pc and photographed her browser passwords. She noticed it and in the morning, when I was sleeping. I had no idea, but had a bad feeling that day and said we need to talk, and she said fine in Cafe. She confronted me with her findings and said now it is all over. Two weeks later I moved out on her request. Now it has been one month we leave separately. initially after the break-up she was very sensitive, we even had a dinner after one of her concerts, and I said how deeply I am sorry and recognized lot's of my past mistakes and my ignorance of her. One day she even invited me to lunch. But as time goes she became cold as Ice an demanding more and more space and that I am too often at home etc.
In the meantime I lost 25+ pounds, got into a much better shape, but unfortunately it does not impress her much, as I did the same after my first marriage broke, and she kindda expects this pattern. She noticed that on more than one occasion.
We met on Xmas for the kids to open the presents, and on the NY eve so I can celebrate with the kids. She made nice dinner, but was very cold towards me. I did not even gave her NY present.
This was so depressing for me that I left home, and forgot again my present she gave me on Xmas. When she called me, I said I will get back, but i did not and went to my apartment directly into the bed, woke/up feeling bad, and went to hospital. All that time my phone was off. Only in hospital I could charge it and let her know where I am. She wrote the whole day with my sister, and she was very afraid. She said I left home very rapidly and it was not normal. I think she thought I might commit a suicide.
So much so, she was very angry when I initially called her, after it told my sis I probably want to humble her, and it will not work. I called her 2nd time and explained her once again and she calmed down a bit, and said I need to take care of myself. 10 min later, my sis texts me that she talked with my W and she will be coming to hospital. She wanted herself to come, but my sis reaffirmed her.
Long story short, while I was waiting for the lab tests, I initiated a talk, said we need to go through what happened, as we have never really talked. She always blocked and cut that talks very sharply, saying it is over. She told me that she lost all trust in me and she does not love me anymore, so even if someone will force her to get back with me it will be hell for me. She said, she also went through what I am going through now, and if I get over it and accept that our M is over, we will be able to stay friends and good parents. I agreed that the couple we were, will not be together, but softly tried to reason, that I am changing myself and we can change, but she was very determined, as she always is.
During the talk she had tiers in her eyes. She also carries a book "How to get over love pain".
We also agreed to meet and discuss finances.
Funnily enough I felt myself much better (emotionally) after that.
As for the OM, I know they are having intense messenger communication, and met couple of times. I am not sure if it is PA already, but it is an intense EA. She told me yesterday there are lot's of men she can be with and she will move forward "when I feel ready". The OM is 13 years older her, is divorced and has kids. Also from the outside he is nothing special, shorter than I am, and is of a Betta supportive type.
In short we had series of issues, but the trigger for her was my behavior and initiating divorce talks. She is love of my live, the person I want to spend my last days but she seems so determined.
I know I need to GAL, and I have some plans for it, like getting a motorcycle and go to airplane school, jump with parachute etc, but from time to time I get into such a horrible emotional roller coaster I do not know how and where to start. Which 180s to implement etc.
Sandi2 & other veterans I would very much appreciate your help.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm kind of new here too. My husband also left and I'm having health problems. It's like living in a dark hole. It's very difficult to see the light.
In your case it sounds like a few things need to happen. Your wife probably needs some time for her relationship with her affair partner to end. Or if she commits to him then there's not much you can do, but there's a strong chance the affair will end at some point. I think the DB book says around six months?
If your wife becomes free from the affair and you're meanwhile doing well, appear to have your life back-on-track, and you're still single then that appears to be the best time to fix the marriage. If the divorce can be delayed that'd be best.
It's so hard because we miss our spouses right now and wish to fix it with them right now. It's not easy to accept that time needs to pass before the marriage needs to be fixed. Maybe sometimes it doesn't take too much time, but based on the DB book and what people here say, it sounds like it takes a long time.
I hope your health is a little better now and with DB tools and some new perspective you'll be on your way to feeling slightly better day-by-day.
Also in the last couple of years I got increasingly depressed with myself. I had everything I ever wanted, and I lost a goal in my life, spent my evenings in front of TV, or playing video games. I had also some serious health issues, or at least I thought I have, and it resulted me being very frustrated and affraid, and I did not share these with her much.
Couple of times over the course of this year, I initiated talks that we need to think about divorce as we are too different and I do not feel myself good in this relationship.
I'm glad you mentioned this, because it is more than likely why you are where you are right now. You completely checked out of the M. She knew you were checked out but not why (you probably don't know yourself), but when you started talking about D then she figured it was her. You basically BD'd her. Over time she came to accept that it was over and finally got to the point where she was OK with it and ready to move on. So your current behavior is probably coming as quite a shock to her, because all your actions and words have been telling her that YOU are done and now suddenly you are reversing course. Please understand it took her months or even years to get to this point, so you cannot expect things to go "back to normal" in a few days or weeks. There are no quick fixes. You've got to do a lot of work on yourself, become the "spouse only a fool would leave." It will take time for you to do this, and time for her to accept you really have changed and aren't just doing it as tricks to get her back. Read DR, establish goals for yourself, give your W time and space, read Sandi's rules and follow them as best you can. You do have a shot at reconciling but it's going to take time and hard work!
You are correct in your judgement. She had her own issues which were amplified by my actions and lack of empathy towards my W. I also spent noy enough time with the kids.
My biggest question is which 180s shall I implement first, not to break the fragile peace we have? She told me yesterday, that she did not start the financial talks, as she was affraid it will turn into war with me. German law says tgat while separated, my W can get about 1/3 of my net imcome, which is a significant amount.
She also said she started to look for another Appartment, as it is my house and it hurts her that kids come and say dad leaves in a small room. On ine side I am very unhappy with my situation, and I am being depressed with it, on the other her stayimg in the House is better for kids, as they have space to play and also does not detach her from our past completely. I mighy be wrong in my judgement though, so I would appreciate your thoughts and ideas. I find generally hard to go dark and completely detach when you have kids. Any experience will be helpful.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
She texted me I can come and play with tge kids. I came home, she made nice dinner and was generally much nicer than on NYs eve. I was calm, but helped her with the table and now I am playing with kids. On one hand it makes me feel much better, being around at home with kids on the other, it is kindda contrary to 180. I really need an advice here.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
