New Year, new thinking..

[AndrewP]

Hi Coly. Keep in mind that I'm rather cynical these days. I've done a "lot" of reading both here and elsewhere as well as "reading between the lines" which is probably a bad idea. I'm absolutely no expert so keep that in mind.

There's a lot of doubt in the scientific community about how valid a diagnosis of "mid-life crisis" is. You've probably seen me write in the past about confirmation bias and how because the presented evidence fits a model presented to us that it must be a fit. I'm not so sure about that these days along with if there is a "path" through the mid-life crisis "stages" or not. My personal opinion is that people like my ex have made what appear to me to be poor choices. If things don't work out for them then they sometimes swallow their pride and try to get their old life back. Depending on the focus of the author or the support site (I've been active on 3) the message and interpretation can be considerably different.

Again - just my opinion and not canon here. I've sure you've read all the stuff on this site that I have and perhaps more.

What prompted me to write though is where you mention (although I can't spot the reference at the moment) that some of the people around you are pressuring you to find someone new and from the way you wrote it sounds like a logical progression for you that if you make a clean break with your H that you necessarily start a new relationship with someone else - or at least that's perhaps what people are pestering you about.

Even though people like you and I believe that our lives would be richer with a partner in them, we have realized through bitter experience that we can manage just fine without that. I know that for me the time between letting go completely of my ex and the time before I even consider a new partner will be one of healing that last wound. I think one mistake that people make is jumping in to a new relationship without finding themselves first. You've had perhaps time to do that - seeing yourself as independent rather than part of a couple. I don't know.

But - finally - the one thing I am thrilled to see is that you have been taking on the advice you have been getting here and elsewhere and making your own decisions and your own choices. That to me shows that you are truly being yourself and the captain of your own voyage.

[OwnIt]

Coly,

I didn't see Andrew's earlier post as telling you to give up and I don't see this one that way either. You express so much pain and vulnerability in your writing. I think the point he is trying to make is that you appear to view yourself as a passive hostage to this situation, but that you have the right, and indeed, the power to make a decision for yourself and put it into action. Sometimes just remembering that, whether we do it or not, gives a bigger sense of control in the situation.

I think personally I used to be on the fence about the whole MLC thing, but I believe it now. I don't think these folks are turning up in mass numbers, both before and after, to mental health professionals who are seeing the progression. There are definite similarities to these situations. There are definite differences to your normal divorce.

That yours would walk away from your life to . . . nothing, while seemingly running every time you call, is very peculiar in itself. I know you've had a few reports here and there, but it doesn't like there is a high life going on. Rather someone who struggles to get through one day to the next. How come yours never speaks of divorce or finalizing things between you.

Mine has to work himself into a rage, or cause me to rage from some action, to even be able to threaten divorce. Then he threatens and will not pursue. He went from being a fairly involved and supportive father into a complete dropout. He went from a somewhat decisive person, to one who my son describes as being in a fog and forgetful. He turned to the family that he ran away from for 25 years. I could go on and on, as I'm sure you can.

I don't think anyone in your situation questions why you would want him to come back. I think we all just want to see you hurt less, to wait less, to find you more, while time inevitably passes.

[bttrfly]

hello darlin ... thanks for the update!

i dunno dear coly - it seems to me that he was excited to hang out till he saw that it was about him getting his stuff. and STILL he hung around.

I remember reading a letter by a WAH who had reconciled with his wife. He describes her packing up his stuff and him having to take it away as one of the milestones in his realization that this wasn't what he wanted.

I'm not saying hold on ... I'm saying don't close the door completely maybe? Keep moving forward in your life and if you want, leave a small window of opportunity open for H to climb through if he can?


Either way, keep posting! Love to hear from you xoxoxo

[Coly23]

AP, Own, Bttrfly, thank you all for the visit.

I had to have a couple of days away from the board as I could feel myself becoming irrational and getting my knickers in a bit of a twist!

AP, I hope you did not feel I was getting stroppy with you. I value your opinion always and I am so grateful for your support. I don't know, when you said you didn't believe in MLC it felt like someone telling my 6 year old self that Santa didn't exist!! That was a very irrational and immature response from me and I apologise. Hugs!

Own, I realised after I read your post that I might have been spinning a little. You are right in that sometimes I do feel like a passive hostage but I am trying really hard to change that. I know I need to stop worrying about everything I do or say to H because I know I can't influence him in any way. I guess the thought of him leaving to go to nothing has also bruised my ego somewhat! However, I keep thinking that maybe he has someone squirrelled away somewhere but if I was the OW I might be upset that I was being kept a secret for two years!!

Bttrfly, so great to hear from you! I do wonder what would have happened if I did just invite him over for a visit. I don't really understand any of it. D thinks he definitely thought I invited him over because I wanted to see him but what stops him from asking to see me? I think that's what is confusing me. Is he too proud or passive about the whole thing and how will I ever know?

Journaling: We went to my Mum's birthday BBQ today. Whilst I was there I got a text from H to say he would pop over today instead of Sunday as he was doing something in the afternoon and would have struggled to get everything done. He said he hoped I had a lovely time at the BBQ and asked me to wish my Mum a happy birthday from him. This is the first time in two years he has asked me to pass on his wishes for a family birthday. In the past he has just said he hoped they had a nice birthday. This was so much more personal. He is sounding more and more like old H.

I'm mind reading I know but I think he really did want to come on Sunday because last week I said I was happy for him to come over on Saturday while we were out if it was easier for him but he said he preferred to come on Sunday. It sounds like he was trying to fit it in but realised he didn't have enough time. I don't mind although when we came home we could see that he had been in the house because our hand held vacuum was on charge. He didn't need to enter the house at all really as he can access the garage from the front.

Had a fab time at the BBQ with the family and managed to get a lift from my older Sister's husband so I was able to have a few drinkies. It's a long weekend here so looking forward to sone down time.

Thank you all for listening to my rambles. I know a lot of what I said above does not mean much in the MLC world. It just means now that I don't need to contact H for a long the because he has taken 99% of everything that is his. Anything else that is left can be disposed of eventually. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders!

Happy weekend everyone!!

[AndrewP]

((Colly)) feel free to vent at me as much as you want - I have a pretty thick skin which is also protected by the very large pond that is between us. None of us ever want to hear things that may contradict what we ourselves believe to be true. My opinions are just that. Opinions. And mine are based on my own experiences and perspective which are different from yours.

I assure you, that if I had the answers and truth that I'd be on top of a mountain somewhere chilling my backside rather than sitting here in an overheated room in Ontario Canada with a cold beer beside me and the scent of freshly blooming lilacs around me.

It is very easy for what we have gone through to have us become cynical and bitter and I admire you for the fact that you have not tread on that path which sadly bears my own footprints.

I'm glad that you are feeling a lightness and freedom from your recent choices. We each walk our own path.

For some bizarre reason this has all reminded me of a favourite movie "Howl's Moving Castle" which I've just decided to watch again before dinner (Lamb stew with fresh tea biscuits). I don't know if you've ever encountered it before or not but it is a lovely film that speaks of struggle, compromises and redemption.

[bttrfly]

well, i have no idea why but perhaps shame for his behavior stops him for initiating? or fear of rejection?

what would happen if you invited him for tea?

something light and simple.

Remember: the old relationship is dead. If there is to be anything, it will need to be new.

xoxoxoxo

[Coly23]

Hey AP, bttrfly, thanks fur the visit!

AP, I completely understand where you are coming from. I am slowly becoming a bit cynical about this whole thing to and I, daily, swing from just throwing in the towel to wanting to continue to have hope. My biggest worry or concern is that there may be an OW tucked away somewhere and I am making a fool of myself. If that is the case then I will back away and leave him to it. I feel stronger now about finding our about an OW than I did even six months ago.

bttrfly, he texted me yesterday to say he will come over one day next weekend to do some more in the garage so I asked if he wanted to stay for a BBQ and he said that he would like that. I know I have been here before where I start to get needy and push him for more but it doesn't seem to stop him from accepting my invitations! This time though I am going to keep expectations to zero and just enjoy his company. I am praying to God that i can do this and not fall at the first hurdle!

Hope everyone had a great weekend!

[OwnIt]

Coly, if it would really matter to you if there were an OW and you think it might help you let go, you could always pay a PI as some have. I can tell you though that I always believed if there was an OW I would never forgive him. Then I found out there were several and I was still willing to forgive for a time.

I think drawing lines in the sand about how you will feel later is a waste of time and destructive to your healing. None of what he is doing or has done matters unless and until he asks to be a part of your life and the person you are then, with the knowledge that you will have then, is the person who will have to make the decision.

[Coly23]

Hi Own, thanks for your visit.

I think if there was an OW I would not be asking him to stay for a BBQ if that makes sense? I guess that would ultimately lead to me letting go/detaching a bit easier if I felt I didn't want that sort of interaction with him.

Also I'm not desperate to know, but if there is or was one I don't think I will be in as much mess as I would have been a few months ago. This time last year I would have probably folded into a heap on the floor but now even though it would hurt I know it won't be the end of my world.

I just want Sunday to be a nice relaxing day. I know I might have a teeny tiny bit of expectation but I am going to consciously hold that in check. My daughter is expecting me to crumble after he goes and if I do then so be it as long as he doesn't see it!

So, it's been an absolutely beautiful long weekend here. The sun is shining and it is very warm even in the evening. Not looking forward to going back to work tomorrow though!!

[Coly23]

Evening All!

A funnything happend today. I had to send H a text about something and he responded back with a blushy face and THREE kisses on the end!! I know it was probably by accident (or maybe he thought I was someone else!) but old habits die hard eh!! Hehehe!!

Hope everyone is doing okay!