New Year, new thinking..

[job]

I would give him a date and time to pick up his stuff and advise him that it will be in the new and improved black trash bag luggage and he can either come get it or by the specified date and time, you will donate it to a worthy cause.

Truly, if he needed any of this "stuff" he would have come and got it by now.

I used the specified date/time for my xh because I got tired of looking at the black trash bad luggage in the garage. He came and got some of it and said he would need another day to pick it up, so I set up another drop dead date and told him that I would be donating the rest of it to Goodwill if he didn't come get it. Well, he came and got the stuff. Was I sorry I did this? No, that stuff was a constant reminder of him and what he had done. It was giving me false hope that maybe, just maybe, he would return some day...but he didn't and it's my understanding, the stuff is still in the bags at his house.

[Surv1ve]

Coly,

I am sorry to read that you're in so much pain. And, he isn't entitled to your niceties so if you want to stick to business and, from the sounds of it, keep dim, I think it's probably a great choice.

Job is probably right. He is not in a rush to be reminded of his behavior, but you also don't really want that constant reminder, either. So, give him a date and let him live with the consequences of his choice. You have given your H so much warmth and patience. It is okay to put yourself first.

As to the D, I get that. Has your H been in a rush to move forward with the other pieces? I think I'd fight a D tooth and nail, but I know (believe?) I have so much time before that's on my horizon, that I might not feel the same. In my area, we have to be living apart for 12 months before a D can happen.

But, the D doesn't mean you haven't kept your vows. You have. It also doesn't mean you don't deserve care and love and a committed partner. You do.

[Coly23]

Job/Surv1ve, thanks for the visit.

He texted me on Sunday in the end and asked to come by Monday to pick his stuff up which I agreed to.

D happen to be home by accident when he came over and apparently he asked her if he could put the christmas decorations away in the loft for us (D said she wasn't sure so it was best that he didn't) and he also fixed her squeaky bedroom door! I also found out he took her to the local supermarket to buy a new printer cartridge for our printer and installed it.

I know I'm probably being over sensitive but I insisted on paying him back for the printer cartridge. I told him it was no longer his responsibility to make ad-hoc purchases for us/D. In the end he agreed that I could transfer the money to him. I did thank him for helping D out at short notice and he said he was glad he could be of some help.

Job, funnily enough I texted him after he picked up his stuff and asked if he had everything he needed and he said he hadn't looked through any of the stuff as yet! I was imagining him bringing all of it back to his flat and dumping if in a corner never to be looked at again!!

Surv1ve, he has never mentioned getting a D. The only time we have ever discussed it is when I bring it up so i don't anymore. The last time I asked him what he planned to do was back in October and he said he didn't know. I think he is waiting for me to take the lead and honestly I am not at that stage as yet. I am sure as time goes on I may change my mind though!

Journaling: I read on AP's thread about the reminders around the house when you decide to remain in the marital home. This time last year I was very determined to stay in the marital home but now I am starting to wonder about moving on and having a fresh start somewhere else. I have seen some brand new houses advertised nearby and building is due to start in spring. For the first time in two years I felt butterflies and feelings of excitement about these new houses so I went ahead and registered my interest! It may be that they are out of my price range but I tbink its a start!

Happy Thursday everyone!!

[AndrewP]

Hi Coly - That's great that you are dreaming dreams.

It is interesting how many common themes there are in many of our stories. My ex never mentioned divorce either. And I expect that she's not unpacked very many of the boxes she picked up. I do know that her lawyer contacted me via mine for the original marriage certificate. I responded that it was in a box that she had picked up in March marked "Important Papers" and in a folder labeled "Wedding". Presumably an unopened box. And to think how much stock we both put in the fact that they'd left stuff behind. Even though we will never know it is possible that she only moved things along because I told her I was done and gave her a checklist of things to do.

I am glad that the last of her stuff is out of the house now. There was a real feeling of relief when I got home knowing that I no longer had to worry about throwing out stuff that she might want. Having this be "my" home is a good feeling. I recall at Christmas making dinner and thinking that in many ways it was nice being single in that I didn't have to make compromises to please others. Like Westo has commented, it's rather like a holiday at times. So - since you asked, my weekend should be pretty typical unless S23 wants us to go to the memorial for his friend who passed away. Housework, a bit of relaxing, a bit of stuff for the office that has to be done on a weekend. A "normal" weekend without stress.

[OwnIt]

Coly, don't know how it works up there but if you sell the house (and he's on the deed and/or the mortgage) you are very likely going to have to come to some resolution, at least as it pertains to the house.

In the state where I live, I cannot buy or sell property without my H's written approval, even if I use my own money, pay cash, and he is not listed on the deed.

I'm actually thankful for that because if he ever wants to buy a house in the awful place he lives then he will need to get his D. I will not be made a property owner in that dump.

So, not to put a damper on it, but as you contemplate the fresh start, check into whether he would have to sign anything and whether that might be pushing your situation a place you don't want to go. He may affably go along with a divorce he doesn't even want because he thinks its what you want him to do.

I hate to see you sitting around waiting, and hope that you won't, but I still believe deep down that you and your H are not done yet.

[Surv1ve]

Oh, I'm glad to hear that part of you is ready to move on.

When H moved out of our master bedroom together, I redecorated it and completely changed the way that it looks. If H and EX/OM ever actually move out, I am definitely staying right where I am because the mortgage is paid off and the housing market has skyrocketed but I will redecorate and repaint and put up art in every space to make it fully mine. I am surprised by how good I feel in my room with redecorating, so I wonder if a redecoration could help!

[Coly23]

AP, Own, Surv1ve, thanks for your posts.

AP - that's really crazy that your W didn't look in the 'important papers' box before asking for your marriage certificate! I think like you said there will probably be a sense of relief once all his stuff is gone.

Own, thanks so much for the advice. I know there will be a few hoops I will have to jump through to sell the house. Firstly H has to agree which I think he will. Secondly, H has to agree to not have anything out of it except what he put in as a deposit when we bought it. To put that into context he sold a watch to raise funds! He had no equity from the house he sold when we moved in together. In addition he has not paid the mortgage for over a year and a half. To sell the house does not mean we have to get a D. It just means whatever we agree at this time can't be undone if we eventually D.

Surv1ve, I desperately want to decorate my bedroom. It has not been touched since we moved in 8 years ago. It was going to be the last room we decorated and we started stripping wallpaper just before H moved out. The walls are not in good condition and the people who put our new windows in left the plaster work around the frames in a mess. I am having nightmares about it all as I can't afford to get anyone in to replaster. I have seen some lovely wallpaper which is spurring me on to try and do it myself though!

Journaling - I think we all agree that HaWho's news has rocked us all a bit. Especially the speed and urgency by which her H wants in done. It's made me worried about my sitch and i have been very weepy for the last couple of days.

Lately I have had this weird feeling that my H is punishing me for something and if that is the case could it have been something I said to him or someone else which has got back to him? This got me thinking.... If I confided in a friend about a personal issue would they have told him? I remember before I got married confiding in H's friend's then girlfriend that I was concerned that H didn't like ML very much and I didn't know what to do. Now I'm worried that she told her H years later and he told H.

Could this be a possibility and if so should I ask him? I feel sick to the stomach that this might be the reason why he can't stand me anymore. Because I let him down and discussed something personal about him. I am so angry with myself.

Sorry to whine on about this. I just feel a bit wobbly at the moment...

[AndrewP]

Coly - I have old horse-hair plaster in my house and have a "bit" of practice with it. The hardware store should have bags of powdered "drywall mud" with a quick-dry formulation - usually 30 or 90 minutes. Regular drywall mud will shrink and crack as it dries and is a nuisance if you are dealing with any substantial size of repair. This stuff doesn't. I'm not sure what brands you would have there but I use "Sheetrock 90" here in Canada.

Mix up what you need and trowel it on. Instead of sanding it when it's dry, if your troweling is good enough you can just smooth things out with a wet rag or sponge. No dust that way. If your troweling is more like mine then you can knock off the high parts with your trowel / putty knife and then fill / smooth.

Because you only mix up what you need you can practice on smaller sections until you get the hang of it.

If you have deep cracks you'll want to clean those out with a sharp tool like a flat screwdriver and then plaster them up which will glue each piece together preventing future cracks.

Wallpaper is a good coverage for a multitude of plastering sins and just a bit of work will probably add quite a bit to the value of your house and make it more comfortable to be in.

[Gordie]

Unless you have a specific reason to believe your speculation, just let it go. You have no idea what he is thinking or why he is treating you as he does. He might just be mad about the NFL playoff games—nothing to do with you. You are torturing yourself.

[job]

Coly,

Please stop mindreading! The way he's treating you is very typical of someone in crisis. They see us as the enemy/authority figure and they are rebelling against all that we stand for. You didn't do anything wrong. If you had, he should have been man enough to speak up about it at the time it happened.

Also, they do flip flop from being nice and attentative to being distant. They is called the distance/pursuer dance. Maybe he's being distant in the hopes that you'll jump through hopes to get his attention and yes, feel guilty for something that you think you did. Don't drink that Kool Aid! Continue as you have been. When he sees that you aren't going to chase after him, he just might switch up and be more communicative w/you again.

You have done nothing wrong. The only thing you've done is started to change your focus and putting it back on to you and your daughter and you have every right to do this. Don't look back! Keep moving forward.