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Your xh can't think but one step ahead...the present. He's not thinking about moving the furniture to your daughter's new place at all. Does your daughter even want the furniture? I would certainly look it over and if it's too scratched up or not in good shape...donate it to a charity and get it off your hands.

I think your xh is using any excuse to make it difficult for you to list the house. He's being too "kind" and "concerned" for his daughter. If he is being serious about all of this...then I'm glad...but I can't help but wonder what is he really up to.

Be on your toes when it comes to him.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted By: exquisitetobe
Doesn't he think about these things?

Nope - he doesn't.

If you have a Durango you may well have a trailer hitch. You should be able to borrow / rent a trailer for the move. I have an open utility trailer if you felt like driving 20 hours for it wink I'm sure you know someone closer who could assist. When I moved S23 home last summer I wrapped everything up with plastic vapour barrier sheeting (better than a tarp) and it survived heavy rains.

It's unfortunate in many ways that even though you are trying to build a life separate from him that he struggles to let you go. Your prior comment was an indication of that. As you know though, he's the central character in his story, the rest of you are all just bit players. So his health problems are everyone's health problems as just one example.

As a guy who is larger than the average bear, diabetes is something that I've always been concerned about with myself and my doctor keeps a close eye on me. My ex was convinced that "any day now" that I would succumb despite being much more overweight than I was, she would regularly brag about how healthy she was (she wasn't). I do believe that one of the things that worried her was my health and the idea that I would need care and tending or just drop dead one day on her.

I think it's in part what they call "projection" where they paint us with their own fears and phobias just like perhaps in the earlier years of the relationship they painted us with their hopes and dreams.

You are a capable, competent woman and can handle any challenge in front of you, especially with the support and love of your kids and your friends. Unfortunately until he's satisfied (and he may never be) that "another man is taking care of you", he'll probably keep circling and trying to help and fix things. I've been perhaps more fortunate than many in that my ex completely cut herself off from me and to a large degree the kids when she ran off. She certainly would have seen that I'm managing all of the practical things as well if not better than when she was here. I'll never know though.

Maybe you need a "Rob" laugh Google a you tube video under "discount car family reunion" for a chuckle.


On BD
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BD-9-Mar-16
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Because they are for the kids you feel you can’t say no?

Yes, you can. If you already said yes, just let him know that you thought about it more and that you changed your mind and no, you cannot. You do not have to explain why you changed your mind.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Thank you Job, Andrew and Gordie for your response! I really appreciate it!

Job, i asked D17 today if her father approached the subject of the table and exercise equipment. He did and she said ok.

My face must have shown desappointment cause she asked "why?" in a concern way. I said "because i am the one who will be stuck with this after you leave. You accept it, you are responsable of it meaning you take it with you or you sell it. She answers: " imagine telling him i sold it to buy some Kentuky Fried Chicken. How p@ssed he would be.. we laughed and i told her not to tell him the last part evenif it is what she would do with the money.

I am 95% sure it is a set-up to keep me here.

Andrew, you made a valuable point when you said " having someone else take care of me".

Since i was a "staying at home mother and wife", ex-h took the role of taking care of us.(not in a parent-husband kind of way.Only making sure we had everything we needed to get the job done. Did i dare ask for his help. He would get angry and he would get away with it. (Everyone walking on eggshell).

Ex-h does not see me for who i am. He does not see me as independant. He is seeing the co-dependant woman he walked away from yet when i point out who i am and tge reality of my situation, he gets all confuse and goes right back in the tunnel.(hiding from me and using the children for info). A game i am very tired of.

Gordie, you are right. I do have a choice and i have adressed D17 about it. It is in her hands, not mind.

One sentence my "entourage" hear me say often is: "it is easy to have things when you do not have to take care of it."

Exemple: pets.. pool.. house.. car.. etc.
But when you neglect these things, they deteriorate, they crumble, they die...

This afternoon, after the talk with D17 and a visit to S19, i had the doormat feeling. Son's March break is this week. He announced to me that his plan for the week was spending a day at his father. Asking him for a ride here the following evening to sleep over and leave with my car in the morning to go visit his gf's parents. From there, he would meet us in North Bay the next day to visit D22. So we are now using 2 cars to go down. Kutching $$$$$$!!


Last edited by job; 03/04/18 12:59 AM. Reason: added spaces between paragraphs
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Andrew , i do need a "Rob" lol.. thanks for the chuckle.. smile

I no longer own a Durango. I sold my old one to my nephew and traded my new one for a Journey. I don' t have a hitch. Renting a cube van will be the plan or buying second hand in North Bay. D17 might be able to rent the appartment below D22. Which mean they would share the duplex. How amazing this would be. We will find out in a couple of month if the current students living there will keep the apprtm.for next year or not.
I hope they let it go.D17 is on top of the list according to D22 who has talked to her landlord about it. Fairly price. Good neibourhood and close to her sister.really close..lol

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Here is another thing that annoyed the cr#p out of me prior to bomb. Instead of addressing eachother one in one, they would ask me (does daughter have practice tonight?, will dad come home this week-end?, etc..)
This was done while in the same room as the other person. Just ask them!! I don' t know? ( i did know but come on now..)

This is still going on.ex-h just texted D15 to know where D17 is. She said sge slept over at a fridnd and thdy will be working on project all day. Lie.

D15 then copy/paste the conversation and sent it to D17 so there story can match.

Why lie?? To keep the peace. D17 and 2 other friends are gone to North Bay to help a friend move back home. Ex-h would have lectured her and harassed her all day as checking up on her. This would go on ALL DAY. Yet, if something was to happened, he would not take actions. It would become: " i told you so. You should have listened go me. Why did you go and do that? "..

I carry so much anger and resentment for this man i loved with all my heart and gave 20 years of my life for. I never thought i could feel this way towards him. Maybe MY FOG has been lifted with this separation. Maybe my marriage was not as perfect as i saw it.

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Another thing. Ex-h did not ask if D15 had plan. He did not ask anything about her.

Apparently last week, he texted D17 to see if D15 wanted to go this week-end. Never addressed D15. Why would D17 make the call or feel like she needs to answer this for her sister?

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Chain of events that got me back in ER last night.

On Feb 28th, i got a call from son claiming they were screwed. His gf registered on line to a site claiming to consolidate all credit cards and student loans. She got scammed. Son had already transfered his share of the rent to her and did not know if his account was safe.he asked me for the full rent. I made him contact the bank to see the status of his account.

While he was doing this, i texted him: " i do not want to be mean but why do i have to cover the full amount? Should' nt her parents cover her share? "

He called back saying the transfer he made was still pending. I said "great. Can they cancel it?"
He said "they are working on it"

An hour later, he texted me saying he got his money back and they were now waiting on his gf's parent to see if they would come through. They were gonna send only 80.00.
My son got very upset and told them it should not be him nor me covering this.
They finally agreed to send her her half of the rent.

Son's march break is this week.
We haf plan a family trip for this week- end to visit D22.
How convinient, son's gf apparently hit her head in the fridge at work and also has the week off. ( something i noticed happens often to suddenly be injured to be off at the same time).

So son comes up with the idea of going to spend a couple of days with his father, have him drive them here where they would spend the night, borrow D17s car, leave a day early to go see gf's parents in Sudbury and meet us in North Bay on saturday.

$$$$$$$$ ???????

Who will be short of cash next month?
Who will they come asking for it??

I texted in the family group "sorry, i can't go. I am getting cut another $500.00/month in May."

Son: what about us?
Me: take the car
Son: which one?
Me:mine
Son: ok thanks! I thought i would spend my March break sitting on my a**..

Wowwww..

Wedn, after having a coffee with a friend, i come home and see by the door, 2 pairs of snowshoes. I walk in and get hit with the smell of cats and dogs urine and crap. Floor his filty, dirty. I grab the mop and start washing the floor.

Son comes down. Son: "hi"
Me: "hi"
Son: so, do you have plans yourself for the week-end?
Me:" no"
Son: ok. We were gonna go back to Timmins tonight, drive to Sudbury thursday, go to North Bay friday and come back here Saturday night so you could drive us back sunday.

Me "speechless"

He goes back upstairs.
I am hurt, angry, speechless. I grab my set of keys, walk upstairs and BAM face to face with ex-h' s table and chairs. I am already blown away, all i can do is walk to the living room, drop my keys on Son's lap and say" i am going to bed".

Son's come down.
Son: are you ok? You seem upset
Me: yes, i am upset. My future does'nt look to bright here. Do you realise that if i get ill, i am screwed?

Son: don't worry about it mom.the way you raised us, we will take care of you.

Inside my head, a big YEAH RIGHT!! Just i you do now?

I kissed him goodnight and went to bed baffled. They took my car and left.

D17 felt like she needed to give me her car. I said no.i could have said no. I can walk. She said no. If you take it in the early morning and come and get us for school, i can drop you back off at work. And if you take your lunch at 11h30 instead of 11h0p, i can give you a ride. If you wait 10 min. after work, i will be there. She was also baffled by Son's plans.

Yesterday, all day, my anxiety was off the chart. Ok, not ok, ok, not ok, ok, not ok

Crying on and off with my chest as thight as could be and shaking beyound my control.
Finally, right after supper, i went to emerg.
Luckily for me, minto councelling had someone in for their hot-line. They called her in. Another luck: it was the same lady that helped me a few years back. I got a session dight there and then.i caught her up with my story. Her reaction reassured me that i was'nt off with my feelings. She asked me permission to adress my doctor prior to him coming in. I said: "of course. I want to adress the root of it. I want to get raid of the resentment, the anger and move on with my life"
She said:" the inly reason you haven't move on is because it is up in your face constantly.

I cried and cried and cried.
I said: i feel pathetic. It is life. I should be able to handle this.

A few minutes later, the doctor( lady )comes in:
The therapist gave me an over view of what your life has been over the last 9 years. You are dealing with a very particular man here.

I did not know what to say. She looked straight into my eyes and sayed: don' t worry, I KNOW HIS TYPE!! My guard went down a bit. She said, your request for therapy has been approved and is also a good idea.
The anxiety med you have been on before is also a good idea. I will also renew your "take when needed" anxiety pills. I will provide both to you tonight so that you can sleep. If you need to come back again, come straight here. You'll need an follow up appointment with your family doctor within the next 2 weeks. Might be hard to get. If you cannot book one, ( secret ) he will be the physician in ER next week-end. Around 1pm would be a good time to ahh?? Show up wink

I smiled. Thank them. They gave me the prescription, my 2 pills for the night and was free to go. Got out at 1015pm. To my surprised, both Daughters were sitting there, waiting for me. It touched my heart. I thought they would have taken the car and drove around until i texted them.
You guessed it, i cried some more. But this one was a loving, caring, grateful cry.

Today, i go downstairs to talk to D17.i open her door and BAM eleptycal machine. She says:"look, he invaded my privacy. I wasn't even here. I came in and entered my room without my knowledge nor permission"

Me: i wanted to ask if you were here when they came. I felt the same way you do when i came in.. woww

So there you have it.. no one was home and no one knew they were coming wedn.

Both Son and ex-h just walked right in and made themselves at home. Son, fine..ex-h??? Wtf??

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Surprise for "moi"

Son came back last night. He said he felt like it was not right to leave me stuck at home without my car. Plus he wanted family time so he us sraying here until sunday.

I asked if he made his way to D22.he said no. I asked if he would like to go down. He said yes

I had already messaged D22 to see if it would be ok to visit and right away, she said YESSS!! smile

We will go to North Bay on a budget. No fancy restaurant nor 2-3 meals out. It will be one simple grocery shopping and family eat-in.

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((exquisitetobe)) - You've got good kids. Thoughtless like all children are and they take you for granted like most children but they do care about you and love you.

When I read your post last night I'd thought of suggesting you call my S23 and have him make up the spare room for you to have a mini-vacation wink

They can be taught. S23 and I have a very different relationship than you and your kids - in part because I'm Dad and not Mom so he doesn't take advantage of me in the same way. There are small things. I neatly fold my hand towel in the bathroom (you're not surprised are you). After about 2 months S23 now does that for his too (mostly). A few days ago I was looking for something in the kitchen and yep - it was in S23's room. His excuse though was that he knew that I liked a clean counter so he stored the stuff he used for a late night meal in his room so that the counter would be clean. Seemed logical to him I suppose.

I'm glad you've sought professional help with your stress and anxiety. It's a wise and strong person who knows when to ask for help. It seems like your kids are learning that Mom struggles some times and that it is indeed a different world than when they had 2 parents and different income resources available to them.

Be kind to yourself. You're the only you that you've got.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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