Gordie #15: closing the cake shop

[Gordie]

I can’t believe I’m on my 15th thread. 15 months post BD, I really thought I’d be reconciled or divorced by now. Y’all weren’t kidding that this is a marathon!

I don’t know if it’s the holidays, the stress of stbx dragging out the d proceedings, the suffering of the children, but...feel like I’m cycling through anger again—and I’m not an angry person! I don’t want to make emotional decisions but I’m on an emotional roller coaster:..again.

I love and hate my stbx at the same time.

I want to be reconciled, to be one of those DB success stories...or to have her out of my life (unrealistic given the kids).

I want her to stop saying ILY and to stop touching me. It makes a mockery of the words and the meaning of physical affection. At the same time, I wish we could have sex again...but not while she is with OM2.

I want my privacy and also to let everyone know what she has done. I feel like I am still covering up for her in public and with the kids, that she is using me so she can appear like the perfect wife-mother.

I continue to be kind and friendly...but sometimes I just want to be mean and yell and scream and see her fantasies shattered.

I want her to be happy...but also wish she would realize how selfish and foolish her decisions are...and to be miserable, to acknowledge that with remorse and a changed heart.

And thoughts of OM2 are driving me crazy. I know I shouldn’t think this...but it makes me feel so rejected and abandoned and inferior and alone...that she is choosing OM2 over me. I have given my whole life to her...and yes she has been pursuing OM1 and then OM2 and if that doesn’t work out, pretty sure she’ll just move on to OM3. That is so ****ed up!

Thanks for listening to my rant. Happy Nee Year to all.

[Gordie]

Old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772697&#Post2772697

[Gordie]

P.S. I am also angry that I am so angry and emotional at this stage, feeling like I am taking steps backwards instead of forwards.

[Vapo]

Vent the anger in a productive way. Go to the gym. Go hiking. Take a baseball bat to a trash can.

I'm just curious, why don't you call her out on her $hit? When she says she wants to have sex with you, why don't you reply:"Not when you are doing OM."

You really got some crazy $hit going on...

[Sotto]

Hi Gordie, I am sorry you have been having such a rough time. The holidays to tend to magnify things and add pressure to already difficult situations.

Vapo, to be fair, I think Gordie has said something along those lines to his W when she has tried to initiate intimacy before..

Gordie, I think Vapo is giving some good advice about anger. Find non-damaging ways to release it. Don't let loose at your W or kids or pets - but it is pure energy that needs to be released somehow and find a way to do that.

I used to primal scream alone in the car sometimes. I would also put a pillow on the bed and go at it with a rolled up newspaper. Use a punching bag or run as fast as you can and just get the energy out.

What I want you to think about is fully accepting this situation just as it is and also not seeing yourself as a victim in all of this (bear with me here...)

Your W is making some choices here. I don't agree with them, and nor may others, but that is what it is and any amount of persuading, cajoling or whatever won't change that - until or unless she chooses to change.

As for you, you have chosen to try and stick this out. You also have free will and are free to walk or stay each and every day. You can choose tomorrow to go and look at a rental and decide you won't live like this any more - it's always up to you my friend.

I do think, given your level of distress and anger, that removing yourself may be seriously worth considering in the new year. But it's always your choice of course.

So, I guess what I am talking about is personal power and - given all present circumstances - reclaiming that and recognising that you are not powerless in this situation. You have plenty of choices and you can choose to exercise those at any given point. Yes there are always consequences and life unfolds in karmic ways linked to our earlier choices. How constructive or destructive they were..

Hope this helps anyway Gordie & I hope you are feeling more settled soon xx

[Gordie]

Vapo,

Thanks. My reply to stbx is: “I will not be in an open M or three way R.” Most recently, I also said: “I will not sleep with another man’s GF.” I look her in the eye and say this calmly and directly...and then walk away.

Soto,

Thank you. You are right. And as Ginger pointed out, just knowing I can choose to exit gives me power. I know all of this in my head...but somehow my heart forgets! I hate feeling this way...like a victim, powerless...just trying to acknowledge that and vent it. Writing it down here helps with that. I have been going to the gym and sweating it out. I should try screaming again. Thanks for listening to my rants.

And recently, I told her some version of what you said: I respect your free will. You are making your own choices. I disagree with those choices but I acknowledge and accept them. I want you to sign the D and I to move out and on with my life m...separate from you.

[Vapo]

Vapo,

Thanks. My reply to stbx is: “I will not be in an open M or three way R.” Most recently, I also said: “I will not sleep with another man’s GF.” I look her in the eye and say this calmly and directly...and then walk away.

I just have to ask... What did she reply to this?

Yeah, screaming helps, heaps. Use a pillow or better yet on a solitary mountain trail, give it a good scream. Works wonders...

[bttrfly]

Gordie,
I am so sorry you are going through all this but I have to say, as I read your intro to thread #15 post I found myself nodding in agreement. As diametrically opposed as these feelings are, each and every one makes perfect sense given the circumstances, and all are perfectly ok. Not comfortable - but really I think what anyone in this situation would feel. I know I felt much the same (minus the other person in my face, as I believe the person he surrounded himself with was across the country).

You're correct: writing it certainly does help get it out. I went to the desert and let a bunch of grief out there. My grief felt so deep and overwhelming, like if I let it loose fully it would destroy me and everything around me. My anger feels the same. Give it to the earth - go outside to a trail or someplace in nature that's remote from people, if you can, and just let loose. I love the idea of a baseball bat on a metal trash can (wear safety goggles). l also think taking it out on a punching bag will help.

I don't read you as making yourself stuck in a victim role - rather, there are certain areas where you cannot do exactly as you'd like, because there are children involved. And I'm sorry Sotto, I have to say this, Gordie IS the victim here. His wife is behaving HORRENDOUSLY, mlc or no mlc, this is ridiculous. I'm saying this not so you can stay in a victimized place, but so that you can acknowledge it and move on. Bear with me - in my situation at one point during our mediation phase my then-stbxh unleashed on me during one of his rants that I was fully invested in being the victim and taking no responsibility for us getting there and that I was at fault for all of this. Somewhere in there is truth - I am partially to blame for the state of our relationship. A close friend happened to call before I could pull myself together. She asked me what happened, and I told her. She said, "Bttrfly, you ARE stbxh's victim. You and son both are his victims. You didn't ask for any of this. You tried to get him to go to therapy with you. He wants out and he wants to put it all on you. Just because you are the victim here doesn't mean you need to be victimized any further though."

Gordie - that acknowledgement by someone of the reality of the situation somehow gave me more strength that day to mentally move out of a victimized place and closer to a place of restored personal power. So, in that spirit I say to you: You and the children ARE victims here, absolutely.

But - the choice is now yours: to first acknowledge that you are the victim here then decide whether or not you want to stay being victimized or take back your personal power.

From where I sit, every time you calmly say to her some version of "I don't want to be in a 3 way relationship" you are taking back your personal power. Every time you refuse to play the game with her you take back a bit more of your personal power. Every time you focus on yourself and your children you take back yet more of your power. You have worked hard to own your piece of the pie. You have stood for your marriage for a very long time and done your absolute best to save it. That she is actually trying to have cake and not sign this divorce she insisted upon tells me that you've done such a good job she is no longer sure that happiness is truly outside of the marital home. You've cited many conversations where she is clearly distraught and not sure of what she wants. Well done! They never said it would be easy or comfortable, or a short road either. Remember that.

I wouldn't assume she's excusing herself to be secretly with OM2. That might be the case. She may also be going into her room to cry alone. We just don't know.

Of course you're going to have conflicting feelings of loving her vs being very angry and unloving. This is completely normal. Gordie, it won't always be this way, I promise you. You are in the midst of the absolute worst of it, right smack dab in the middle, but it will shift. You can get through this.

You do have to do something physical, walking, swimming, yoga, boxing, weights, something to get this extra energy out. I recommend a combination of cardio, something explosive like beating the crap out of a punching bag or heavy weights, and something really focused that will get you moving but also engage your mind like yoga or tai chi. I think you need all of that right now.

Don't slack off on good nutrition for yourself. You're in a supremely stressful situation. You need to make sure you get enough hydration and healthy food into your body so you can physically have the stamina you need to get through this. You have to do this for yourself and those beautiful children.

And truly Gordie, I feel like this could go either way. She's really not sure. You're going to be the one making decisions here about this. Chose wisely my friend. Maybe you could take a few days off, go away somewhere alone and really think about what YOU want. She will be in your life one way or another for the rest of it as the mother of those children. The littlest ones - well, you've got a longer amount of time to interact with her than I did because of their ages. Give yourself some space and time away so you can focus solely on yourself, this situation and what you want; how you want to interact with her moving forward.

I feel like you really need a long weekend alone in a hotel away from the family and familiar surroundings so you can decompress, find your center again, and do some honest soul-searching about what's best for Gordie in 2018. What's best for the kids will follow after you figure out in a quiet removed, neutral place what it is that you want most.

Can you do all that?

xoxoxoxoxo

[AndrewP]

Good Moring Gordie - For me, I found that having a physical outlet for anger was unhelpful. It would just get me more wound up. Instead I used what I believe are "mindfulness" techniques. I'd accept the fact that I was angry and that it was an emotion. It didn't define me, but was something that was contained within me. Then I'd write here, talk to friends, be validated in that it was perfectly reasonable that I was angry and then allow it to "drain" away. Staring into the face of the beast and naming it diminished it. Psyco-babble nonsense perhaps but it worked for me.

It's much different in my case especially in the last year or so because I had no tangible outlet for my anger. She's not here rubbing my face in things. You deserve a special place in the world for your forbearance.

You do still seem to be having some focus on OM2 which is perfectly reasonable but also problematic. I think that everyone including your W will admit that he's not in any way up to the quality and calibre that you are. It's trite perhaps to say this but he is a symptom, not a cause. I think that you know that if it wasn't OM2, it would be a similar OM3/4 etc. There is always a supply of men out there that I would call names that Job would edit out who are looking for an easy lay and someone who will pay the bills and are willing to pretend to be loving and caring for as long as the honey is flowing.

So - don't compare yourself to OM2. It's not that she's choosing him over you, it's that - and if you think back to the very beginning of your problems - she's choosing "not you" as sad as may make you. In typical branch-swinging fashion though, she doesn't want to let go of you until she has a safe place to land and unlike my STBX who found a well off business-man, she is farther down the evolutionary ladder. In both our cases, it was very likely inevitable that they would leave at some time to chase their elusive and selfish "happiness".

You have a lot to be proud of Gordie. You are modeling to your children and to the people who are following along on your story how a MAN conducts himself. With dignity, love, compassion but firm morals and boundaries.

[Sotto]

Hi Gordie, yes Bttrfly said the victim stuff so much better than me - thanks B!

You are a victim of her current choices - and this is about recognising that and choosing not to dwell there IMHO. Thinking of forward momentum for myself in my situation and what could I do to achieve that forward movement helped me. But then I had an absent rather than 'in your face' MLCer...

I found the drama triangle quite helpful in moving forward if you want to google that at some point.

Glad you are getting some good advice from others too. We all have things that helped us and opinions about your situation. Hopefully in all of that you can pick out what will help you and move you further forward towards a more settled and peaceful place.

Best wishes to you :)x