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#2772031 12/19/17 04:47 PM
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Previous Thread:

God does for us what we cannot do for ourselves


These boards have been such a comfort for me these past few years. Recently it has been hard for me to write though.

I still think about my ex and these past few years a lot. I was reading this diary I had written when my son was really really young. I read statements about how lonely I was and how I often felt like a single mom. How resentful I was of my ex sleeping late. My fears and ignorance about our financial situation. I seemed to target my anger at my ex MIL though. I blamed my ex not being around on her. She was the person I was competing with for his attention.

I am talking to a therapist and trying to figure out our relationship. We talked about how he did not meet my needs. How he had broken up with me early on for a few days because he felt like I was demanding too much of his time (we only saw each other one overnight a week back then because I was still in school)How I would joke to people that if me and my ex did not start our relationship while I was in school, we never would have been married because I would have been too demanding of his time. Instead I was too busy to bother him too much. I thought I was wrong about that. And i am still scared of being demanding for time and help and attention from a guy. My therapist has pointed out that my ex was not just distant from me but also our son.

We talked about how little effort I made for the relationship after my son was born. I remember being so anxious about leaving my son, I did not even go out for his birthday because he chose a restaurant that was far away. And how i stayed home with my son instead of joining him and my brother for a concert. I was so worried about being a bad mother for taking time out for me and for us. That was not good for me or for our son.

Regarding my ex, I still have huge emotional swings and I need help with this. A while ago I was panicking because my son said to me something about how his father would not be his father anymore if he were to kill me. I started to get seriously scared that he would kill me to avoid child support. He is not a violent person. Certainly not jealous or passionate about me. But hates having to pay child support. Sometimes he acts nice and then other times his anger and hatred slip out. It was weird that my son said this. But a thought I have kept secret as well. I also have anxiety.

Other times my emotions swing to extreme anger and depression and hopelessness. I feel like me and my son were robbed of a family unit. A male/father figure. Which is something I desperately want. I wanted another child too. My ex knew that from the time we were in our early 20s. So I feel great loss. Like something was stolen from me. My youth, my time, giving more life. Financial stability.

Once in a while I feel bad for him. I wonder if there were child hood secrets that led to a drug addiction. I wonder what happened in his life. All the secrets in his family are disturbing.

And then there is the trauma from the way he treated me. The worst part was him blaming me for everything. Being treated poorly and having no control because I did not understand what was going on. Being resented so much. Although I resented him too. Thinking about those past years still hurts a lot.

I have been dating someone for a few months now and I have fears about my own ability to judge good from bad. I no longer trust my judgement.

Last year I dated someone that looking back had tons of red flags. I knew it back then, but I accepted a lot to prove that I was not the nagging, demanding wife my ex made me out to be. This years self looks back and realizes I should never have dated him. He would often ask me to drive, was constantly looking at who was paying, and did not give me a christmas gift because he had procrastination issues. He always liked to talk to me and spend time with me and gave me a card saying he loved me though. I certainly did not love him and was very relieved when things ended.

I do not know if that will be the same with the person I am with now. Will I look back repulsed and say "what the hell were you thinking?" This guy is more old fashioned and traditional. Flowers, dinners. Never wants me to drive. He does not drink or do drugs. He says he wants a LTR. Not afraid of commitment. He said once committed to the relationship it would take something drastic for him to end it. That he works hard at everything and fixes problems. He Wants a LTR with someone to do things with and for. Texts me everyday more then once a day. He had full custody of his daughter with similar experiences to some of the LBS on here. Everything I would have summoned in someone.

But I worry, I am not seeing something. My ex kept telling the marriage counselor he fixes problems.

Thanks for reading. I know this was long.

Last edited by job; 12/20/17 02:25 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread

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JujuB Offline OP
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So i am going to be 40 soon and i am feeling so much regret about my life.

Settling with my ex was such a big mistake and i regret it tremendously. (With the exception of my son) If i married a better man, i could have had more kids and a home and a partner.

He wasted my time and my youth and i feel really bad. I was so stupid about relationships. I am educated and i think i was considered very attractive to guys. I just did not know how to negotiate for myself. I should have been smarter.

We waited so long to marry and have our son. I bet the reasons i miscarried was because he had defective druggie and alcohlic sperm. He coud not perform and i dealt with that for years.
I wanted another child so badly and now its too late and im really sad.

He to this day makes iy out like he was the one that had everything to lose. He told me acute bomb drop "nothing changes for you" and recently "i'm an idiot for ever getting involved with you"
He was the one that screwed us over financially. I was always a big saver. I was loyal. I worked. And i am a great mom. I still really hate him. And im mad for having been the one to stay with him. I should have left, because other women would have before it was too late.


I know it can be worse. I know the world is a cruel place and that women in other countries are exposed to rape and murder i know people lose their childten. I know that a spouse can die. That there are no guarantees.

I almost deleted what i wrote because i realize it makes me sound spoiled and ungrateful for what i have been given. But these are some dark thoughts i am having and wanted to document.


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Oh Juju,

I can almost write everything you wrote in your two posts. I mean everything, verbatim. I understand exactly where you are coming from. And it's where most of my anger comes from. Also in regards to dating, I don't even trust myself anymore. I don't know that I trust others. And I did have a trust for others, but it has been worn paper thin. It's not even to cheat, it's just trust that someone won't stomp all over my heart.

Then I keep thinking about what the alternative is. I can continue to not trust myself and others and just hole up. I decided I am just going to be myself and go with the flow. And if someone doesn't like who I am , oh well.

I did used to think if I just didn't do this, or if I just didn't do that, then ex would have stayed and loved me. Then I realize some days I won't be my best me, I might be needy, or b!tchy or lazy, but I still should be loved on those days.

Please, try to enjoy your new R. He seems to have some outstanding values and morals, just as you do. Try your best to not wait for red flags. Enjoy yourself, because you most certainly deserve it.

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Thanks ginger. I really appreciate that someone not only understands, but has similar feelings and regrets. And also understands that just because i feel like that one moment, does not mean it is something i frequently feel.

I am enjoying my relationship with this new guy. I started to get swept up a little, but today realized I need to back down and keep myself in check a little bit. I like him a lot. But it is still new and I know time is the true test. I dont know the lines between being clingy and being unavailable. There are times my insecurities come out and i know that is not attractive or healthy. There are times I talk about my ex and I know that is not good to do too much either.

Something that pops up is that I feel guilt over my ex. I wonder if I had accepted him like I accept the guy now, would we have had a better relationship. When I met my ex I was young, and perhaps more arrogant,and opinionated certainly less appreciative. I definitely took things for granted with my ex. This was a hard lesson to learn.

Most of all, i do not know what was reactive to weird behaviors that my ex did have and what was awful behavior on my part. Most likely a mix of both. But hard to accept that I was not perfect. Its hard to accept that I was a bad enough wife to leave. Was I actually a bad enough wife to leave or was it just a man that had secrets and addictions? I dont have answers only past experiences to learn from. But the consequence was so hard and I feel bad at failing at marriage.


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Anyone see the children's movie Coco? I loved it! I admittedly cried through it. Because it was about the importance of family. One of the characters abandons his family for his own passion and no one can forgive him. Anyone see the similarities? Sure the wife he left was a bit domineering, but she also had great characteristics and grows throughout the film. I loved that the flaws of the characters never mattered, only the triumph of family.

I came from that working class family that grew up in one of the Boroughs where everyone lives super close, if not in the same mother daughter household. No one has ever been divorced. Now this type of dynamic is outdated. Sadly, we do not live in a culture in which a strong family unit is valued. And I think that is the problem.

So my marriage is gone and I am moving on. I still think about my ex every day. (That could be part of my rumination disorder though) I feel sad that it came to this. But it was out of my control. It really was. If my ex had told me about his financial issues or about whatever addictions he had, I would have been the type of person to stay, research obsessively and seek appropriate help. I would not have enabled or let it go or denied once discovered though. To me he was family. HE did not feel that way about me or our son though.

The level of secrecy was and is so unfair and disrespectful though. To not know, to never have been given that, even to this day shows how little value I was to him. I was never considered an actual human being to him. With feelings that mattered. If I left him I would have not wanted to hurt him on top of it, knowing that I was the leaver.

I feel like I am permanently traumatized. I will never be the same. In some ways that is good i guess. But I am not sure how to navigate a future relationship. I took to heart being villified by my ex. There is some truth to the things he said, but a lot was unfair and I do not believe a real reason to walk out on a partner of 15 years. But now I am cautious of my needs in a relationship.

The man I am currently dating offers to do things to help me. And I do not want to take him up on it, because I don't want to inconvenience him and have him later resent me or be perceived as needy.

I do not think I am super comfortable in my own skin anymore. I worry that men will like me for the things that look good on paper and then not like the true me. Or ignore things early on because of the superficial attraction. I am only getting older.

But my real fear is that there is no such thing as true loyalty and family this late in the game.


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There is nothing that a partner who has a love language of acts of service enjoys more than.....

Acts of service!

So you may be denying your new partners primary love language!

If that's what makes HIM happy then please reconsider your stance.

My thoughts

V


Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW


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That was also ex's love language and he ended up resenting me.

My LL is time spent. And i felt secretly bad that this guy didnt want to spend all his time with me this past week and weekend like he did earlier.

This admittedly makes no sense because i was the one that was busy the prior week. And i do have lots of stuff to do myself. And everything else has been great. And he shows that he likes me. We get along. He bought tickets for us to do sonething months ahead. And we spend reasonable time together considering we are early in our relationship. It seems that weekends i am available are just assumed that we will hang out. And we make time for during the week to get together.

I do feel like i initiate more though. But he once said he can make any times so i just have to let him know when i am free because i am the one with the hectic schedule. But this is making me a bit insecure because he seems to be someone that wants to please so i dont know if im being annoying. Or perhaps he put it in my plate to avoid rejection? (Something he seems to want to avoid)

The dynamic my ex and i had was me demanding that he spend time with me and son. And i am worried about going back there. Amd feel deprived in that way.

I am sensing that i need to back down and stay busy and not rush things or be pushy. But for me to be like that also means i have to withdraw ny interest.


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Ju

This makes no sense.

Is NG like exH?

In any other aspect?

Why does slowing things down mean withdrawing interest?

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Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
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Ng and exH are alike in some ways. They are both independent fix it, mechanical types. They both have blue collar backgrounds and are both very intelligent. They are both honest, blunt, confident in day to day life. They both like to do favors for others especially when it comes to the mechanical stuff (although this stopped with my ex later on) The typical "man's man". And will take over in all the things I hate, like driving and directions (I dated a hippie type millenial guy last year and never again. The role reversal was very unappealing to me. I am more traditional and feminine) They both have similar flaws. I think a verbal apology/validation would be a struggle for both of them. Instead they both seem to try to make things right through actions. Neither seem to be able to communicate their needs from a partner. That might be a problem. Both are soda drinkers and eat fast food but I realize I have to overlook those type of health choices. (these types of flaws from my ex frustrated me, but they were never things I would have ended a relationship over. I would look past these types of things in choosing someone because I think other characteristics are more relevant )

I think NG has a lot of relationship experience and likes being in a relationship. He is more of a homebody then my ex. I think he believes in commitment. He said he never left anyone and believes in working hard to fix problems, once committed. He does not like to drink and drugs are not an issue with him. I am not sure if there are any red flags yet other then not being able to communicate his needs or feeling like he has no needs. He is the type that would greatly inconvenience himself for his loved ones.

I think maybe with my ex it was the drugs that were the bulk of the problem. He could not provide for his family. Money was the ultimate issue. And I think he knew I was about to start asking big questions about money. Thats when he left. He did not want to explain to me all this debt. Instead he blamed his leaving on me. He villified me so he would not have to face what he was doing. I think that's a big part of what happened anyway. I could be wrong. I could be projecting. And he resented us for using up his resources. I don't see him as this flashy womanizer looking for new relationships.

I think it was the drugs that affected our sex life. I have been reading these drug forums and while I cannot go into the details here that they do on this forum, the sexual dysfunctions that they describe from opiate use are exactly what my ex was experiencing for years. I thought it was stress or unhealthy eating. I never would have guessed or known it was from drugs at the time. I never understood why other husbands were all over their wives for sex, and mine just was not. I kind of gave up too though and it wasnt enjoyable because of the things I mentioned above. I felt like he was detached from me and it became more about whether or not he would be able to perform for the sake of performance.

Im sorry I am off on a tangent. I am analyzing a failed relationship and why it failed. And whether a new one with people with similar flaws will work. And figuring out if it was the human flaws or addiction that ruined the one with my ex.

Withdrawing my interest, detaching would make my feelings hurt less. SOmething my ex did?


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At one point, I think my ex was the type to inconvenience himself for others as well. I remember him feeling pulled from so many directions (me, his job, his mother) and struggling to get it all done. He ended up turning on me. I am not sure if I was demanding too much, or if he was unable to give what is typical in a relationship because of his demons.

I am afraid to make similar mistakes as well.


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