WAW - won't stop, only with me for the kids

[PsySara]

My advice is NOT to engage in MC while your wife is in an active affair. Any counselor worth their salt will refuse because it can be damaging while she is in the clouds. This is pursuit and is a HUGE no-no in DBing. So far you are doing brilliantly, keep detaching, make her chase you. She needs to win back the amazing, sexy, strong, confident man you are returning to.

I am impressed with your ability to GAL and detach. Step out of her way and make yourself an amazing man only an idiot would leave.

[CW2017]

Can certainly echo that as we had 10 sessions and then I discovered that my W was still in contact with OM. She had originally readily agreed to it during the shock of confrontation so I can only assume she pulled the wool over the counsellor's eyes

[sique]

Hi CW2017,

I did speak informally to my business partner's wife, who happens to be a family law solicitor, and I've got a handle on where things stand, but thank you.

[sique]

I'm finding the lies about everything really frustrating. She has created a narrative in which I'm this controlling, paranoid man which couldn't be further from the truth. She used to complain that I never got jealous! Now I can't trust her.

She went out two nights ago to see her uncle. I knew that she'd go on to see the OM but I was prepared for that, didn't bother her, handled it ok after. But, because she hasn't admitted to the affair I still wasn't 100% on what she had done - I was still hoping I was being crazy. So I went onto her laptop and used her google account to look at her maps history. She uses her phone as her car's satnav so it has everywhere she has been. I made sense of what has been going on and, while I was there, I checked where she had been most recently.

Is anyone surprised that she left her uncle's house at 9, drove to where I know this guy lives and stayed there for 4 hours? No, didn't think so.

She tries to provoke a fight - "I didn't see him last night, but you won't believe that, you have it all made up in your head." I feel like I'm going crazy and (frustratingly) I'm offended at how stupid she thinks I am (always been intellectually arrogant). "I know, XXX, I don't suspect, I know you were there. I told you, it doesn't matter. You have already admitted to an AE, the physical doesn't matter, we need to sort out the grief around the miscarriage and what is wrong with our marriage then we can come to this." Which drives her nuts: "There is no this, it is in your head."

Gah! Really annoys me more than anything.

On the positive side, I have worked out how she met him. He's a struggling film production assistant working as a barman who chatted her up one night. She even told me about him at the time - "the barman said I looked amazing" or something like that. My response was too perfunctory I suppose ("You do look amazing, I'm not surprised") and, as mentioned, I just didn't get jealous. She went back to that bar with her sister a week later. I think she must have got his number then.

And it matches her google timeline - she had told me a story about going out with her new female friend to the Groucho (a private club for media lovvies in central London) etc. But the timeline didn't have the Groucho on it. It had the bar he worked initially, then on to another bar that is around the corner. She is living a fantasy, I think.

I feel less threatened now. A barman hitting on a 40 yo lonely wife is not a threat to my family. If I can fully get my head around not caring about her anymore then I can be sure she won't leave me for this guy and try to take the kids with her (something I always thought unlikely but she is so different now I couldn't be sure).

Btw she told me last night that she had spoken to the guy and she wouldn't be seeing him again. LOL.

[sique]

Yet another update (sorry for the high volume):
I took the dog for a walk this morning. My wife was still in bed so I asked her to come down and watch the kids. As I tried to leave my five year old daughter asked to come too so I brought her along. I assumed my wife would guess so didn't say anything.

When I came back to the top of our drive my wife burst out of the house, my son in her arms, blood streaming down one arm where she had cut herself. My phone had been on silent; I hadn't known that she didn't know where DD was. Stupid and careless of me.

But I'm now thinking that this A is just another act of self-destruction, like cutting her arm. She needs help so badly. I've asked her mother to intervene but she is a cold unemotional woman who avoids confrontations so isn't much use.

I suppose I broke all the rules. I comforted her, I bandaged her arm, I pleaded with her to get help, I told her I'd do anything to help her. I know there is a chance she is manipulating me. Even so, my children need their mother and I can't help it.

[sandi2]

Quote:
Do not even try to initiate small talk. If she initiates small talk at the dinner table or in front of the kids, then he should respond in civil but few words. His talk should be more focused on the kids and perhaps their scheduling for the following day. He is not to reveal details of his GAL plans during any of these conversations, other than saying he will be out. If she asks any questions, he should simply give her that incredulous look that says, "Seriously?"

This seems to be difficult to do while maintaining the air of confidence and happiness that the DB rules suggest.

I don't suppose you remember which thread it was quoted from? I have a lot of posts, so I will try to explain and hope it isn't out of context.

You may see this quote as meaning the H should be cold and sullen toward his W. However, that is not the correct message here. Let me try to explain.

Many WW's want to have their pseudo happy home life.....and carry on with their affair, too. A lot of H's are too focused on the WW and follows her around the house and talking way too much. He mistakenly sees this type of action as him working on their relationship and trying to get closer. But actually, he is pursuing her. Whenever a H pursues his WW, he is actually pushing her away. Pursuing her while she is in an affair will backfire on the H. If you read all the WW threads, it may help to understand that mindset.

I think the above quote is for the H who knows about his W's bad behavior.....and she knows that he knows. Therefore, he is not going to play her game of " happy family" as though nothing wrong is happening in the M. He is no fool, and she is clearly disrespecting him. So, he presents himself as a confident, strong, honorable, alpha male....in charge of himself. He knows what he won't tolerate, and he's not going to be his lying, cheating W's BFF. He is preoccupied with his new personal life (GAL), to let her moods or game playing get him down. He doesn't discuss anything about his GAL, b\c women are drawn to mystery. Instead of pursuing her, be mysterious.

One of the things I see in many newcomer H's is he tells his WW too much. He is in such a habit of explaining or giving an account of his every mood....that he's forgotten how to shut his mouth. Another thing I see in newcomer H's is repeating something from the board. Don't do it. Unless we are telling you how to specifically word something.....do not repeat statements you read here. I think some H's read something that seems like a good strong statement his W should hear. But when he says it to her.....it doesn't have the same affect. Usually, the W can tell that it doesn't even sound like him, and thinks he quoting from some book. She sruggs it off as if he's goofy. You are the one getting tools here....not her. So, don't run home to share what you've learned.

Okay, getting back to the original quote you thought sounded contrary to the rules. The H's one on one interaction with his WW, is comparable to how you interact with a checkout clerk in the store. You take care of business; don't discuss anything about your own personal life; don't ask the clerk personal questions or hang out at her counter....hoping she'll make time for you; don't hug her... nor cuddle with her; and don't invite her on activities with you and the kids. You keep it short, professional, smile, and you are on your way b\c you are excited to be going wherever your GAL plans take you. Oh, and no matter how Fonzie cool you may have handled yourself.....you never look back to see if she is watching you.

[sique]

Thank you sandi2, that is very clear. The check out clerk is an excellent way of explaining it.

[sique]

However, that is not her thinking at all. If he agrees to this friendship, she will use it to her advantage in every possible way. Especially if they are living in separated houses. He becomes her handyman, plumber, electrician, errand boy, babysitter, and the best one of all......a gay boyfriend. She can cry on his shoulder when there is a problem between her and OM, and will expect his sympathy!

Sandi, this is from your "For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife" thread. http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554&page=2

I just realised that she has done this to me today. Her self harm may have been triggered by thinking our DD had wandered off and disappeared. But the reason her mind was in this bad place is that she had "broke it off with him" (before quickly correcting herself that there is nothing to break off). I know she had sex with him the night before, and as I always thought, the 30yo bar man lost interest in the 40yo married mother of 2 driving over to his flat once he got what he wanted. He wasn't as keen yesterday, so she flipped and told him she didn't want to see him anymore. (THis is my guess, but consistent with her all-or-nothing personality).

So when I comforted her I was being the gay boyfriend, you mention in that post.

Damn. I feel like a fool (again).

We are going to MC tomorrow but I'm not even sure I want her back. We've only been married 2 years (though together 6) and because she was depressed over the miscarriage she decided "I just didn't feel like I was married" and hooked up with the first barman to compliment her and then fell in love with him. She doesn't seem special to me anymore.

[sique]

I woke up last monday, numb, not able to care anymore. We had our first counselling session and it left the counsellor quite puzzled as both of us stated that we don't want to get back together. We have decided to continue the counselling so we can get to a situation where we are able to be civil to each other and stay in the house, for the sake of the kids.

But now, a few days on, and the heartache is back. She is going out again tonight, for the third time this week. Yet again I'll put the kids to bed and cuddle them to sleep on my own. Again, I'll be alone.

I know the advice - GAL. And I will. But for the next month I know I'm too emotionally fragile to do much. I've been struggling to eat (dropped about 6.5kg ~14lbs) in two weeks and it is catching up to me.

My only comfort right now is that after a year of treading water with my startup, we are finally getting traction. I'm keeping this from her. I don't want her to know that our financially precarious situation is finally coming to an end.

Thanks for listening.

[CW2017]

Hi Sique
yes that first month or so will be hell but will pass believe me, to be replaced by a whole new set of thought processes. Maybe use the weight loss to your own advantage (like I did)?

look after yourself!