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I am a massive fan of poster PsySara who has displayed, to me, an amazing amount of restraint, calmness and love. I thought I had it in me to emulate her, but as time went on and my WH distanced himself further despite my working on myself, all the time and oh so hard, I've become disillusioned, and over time, bitterness has crept in.


Oooooh sister, if only you were here in person you would see the unsanitized version of my thoughts. blush I have struggled mightily with rage/hatred/desire for revenge etc., Previously I've had a deep belief in prayer and Allah but have sometimes found myself wondering if there even is a god. I've come particularly close to committing suicide right after giving birth to my last baby and after hearing WH tell me he missed other woman and wanted to re-approach her about marriage (Feb 2016). I actually drove down to the railroad and stared at the tracks for a good hour. (this is what made me expose OW to her family and led her to quit her job and move away from my WH)

I don't tell this to shock but to elucidate that your feelings are normal and to reveal my own struggles. It's taken me 2+ years and I STILL have a lot of work to do so that I don't become the twisted, bitter image you fear becoming. It is a daily labor. But I do it because my children deserve the best and therefore I am working on being the best I can be. But I still falter and then struggle when my thoughts turn to ruminations. I find surrounding myself with loving friends and spending time away from "working on my marriage" has been invaluable. That way I am recharged when I am with my children and can be mindful of these precious days I have with them.

Sister, keep on keeping on. Place yourself in the light and love of those that treasure you. Realize he is the fool and will likely die alone and miserable if he continues his path. You on the other hand continue to strive for success in every facet and will reap the deepest revenge, a life well lived.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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PsySara,

You are amazing. Your candour is so refreshing and so very welcome, and so very much needed.

It's made me feel so much better. I've been chewing over your post in my head the last few days and whenever negativity creeps in, whispering that my marriage is never going to be restored because of my black heart and hate, I will now shrug it off because I know at least one other person felt shades of what I felt and is in the place I want to be in. If my marriage is never restored, I won't be blaming myself for it. You've helped me so much.


Divorced and letting go.
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Journalling:

Christmas - this was the first one I celebrated with my son without WH. I made a big effort with the house - took S to pick out a tree, decked the whole place out, got loads of compliments from friends who visited, was quite pleased with the effect. When WH dropped S off he commented on how nice the place looked - I just said thanks and carried on being busy.

WH dropped off some presents for S to open on Christmas day. He left them in a plastic bag. I found he had put two cards in there, one to S and one to me. I was surprised by this because for my milestone birthday this year he did nothing at all - didn't even wish me happy birthday by text, which was really hurtful because it was a birthday we had discussed celebrating, to celebrate my still being alive after the cancer. In all the 16 years I've been with him I have never asked to celebrate a birthday but I wanted to celebrate this one, and the absolute radio silence was extremely painful. So to see a card this time was surprising. It was brief and to the point - "2016sux, Hope you survive Christmas with S and my parents. WH" No 'dear', no 'best wishes' even. As if that would be enough to inflame my imagination about a reconciliation.

Somehow the card surprised me. I had expected nothing or, if something, that he would get me a crappy gift on the behalf of S. I did that - some jokey book. But in the end I decided it didn't feel right to give him anything, card or gift. So I did neither.

The in-laws came to stay for Christmas. They arrived Christmas eve and left 3 days later with S. WH came to pick them up. I was purposely busy in the kitchen when he arrived because I didn't want to see him, but I went to the door to see my S and in-laws off, and WH looked at me and said 'The house looks nice.' I just said 'thanks' and then pretended he wasn't there.

I get the impression they are all watching me. I don't quite know why.

I am struggling quite badly at the moment, with the whole giving up and God's will thing. I know technically it shouldn't matter if I do, I should continue with GAL and working on my spiritual, psychological self regardless of what happens to my marriage, but it feels like quite a big thing to let go of. I guess I am struggling with the giving up of hope. And not just because I don't think WH will come back, but because I am starting to question why I want him back. Apart from having an intact family, there's not much left. I've realised he's a very messed up individual and if we were to reconcile I would have to shoulder a lot of the heavy lifting. And my faith has taken quite a big bashing in this. There are some truly heroic, loving and amazing people here who have stood for years and never see their marriages restored. I don't get why some are and others not. Sometimes I think what hurts more than what my WH is doing is what God is not doing. I keep asking - if we and our marriages are under spiritual attack - where is our defense?


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I would also like to call out to any vets who can give advice to LBWs dealing with WHs. LBHs, you're lucky to have the likes of Sandi counselling you.


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2016sux:

One bourbon, one scotch, one beer... I having a record year!

Google it, listen to it.

Stay strong!!


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
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bhappy, you've made me giggle. Thanks.

Getting onto Google. Have a great NYE!


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Hey there lady! What are your plans for NYE? Don't you stay home alone and sulk! Go out to somewhere and watch fireworks. Call up some friends and go to a party and dance like no one is watching. You are amazing and your WH is a numskull who is throwing away a diamond for a rock.

Even though my WH is still in our home I struggle mightily asking where is God in all this? I do notice when I am super busy with something I enjoy doing I forget to ruminate about WH. Isolation is my worst enemy.


M 10yrs T 13yrs
BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW
BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off
Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce
April '17-Letting go
2018 D busted
DD8, DS6, DS3
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This is probably a very stupid, 'well, duh' kind of question, but how do you do that? The appreciation thing? I tried the gratitude thing for a bit - count the working body parts when I get up, my amazing S, the roof over my head, my job, loved ones etc., but then I'd be the only single mum at a kids party and I'm looking around thinking - well, she's much more awful than me and her husband hasn't left her... I got tired of being grateful for all the things that everyone else took for granted and didn't have to work for, including their husbands. Which then made me very angry.


I saw your question on Zues’s thread and thought I’d answer it.

1. If you think “she’s more awful than me and her husband didn’t leave her” you’re internalizing his leaving as YOUR fault. That’s not the case. He left because he lacked the life skills necessary to sustain a committed relationship. The sooner you can wrap your head around that the easier it will be to be comfortable in your own skin.

2. Rather than counting the things you *should* be grateful for, look for things to *be* grateful for. You’ve been living your situation long enough that I bet there are moments now when you forget all the marriage stuff and are able to just be. Moments, maybe, when your son says something incredibly lovable, or when a friend joins you for coffee or whatever. Make sure you notice those moments. Appreciate them. Not because they’re possible because he’s gone, but because they occur regardless of his behavior.

3. Take charge of something that gives you pleasure. When my XH moved out, I rearranged the furniture in the house several times. Some of it was to make the whole single mom thing easier — logistics around serving meals, etc. Some of it was just because I didn’t have to ask anyone’s opinion anymore. Sometimes it was just because I needed the physical motion of moving something heavy. The results didn’t always work out, but I felt freer having made the effort.

4. Get A Life! GAL is the best thing you can do to culture gratitude. I made a point of saying yes to as many things as I could the year after Mr. Fantastic left. I REALLY got out of my comfort zone as much as I could. I discovered and rediscovered a lot about myself, and it made me realize how small of a box I’d squeezed myself into, trying to make life comfortable for him. Again, not everything will be a success, but you’ll have a lot of fun with the anticipation.

5. Make a POINT of laughing every day. You might have to fake it sometimes, but it gets easier and easier the more you try. I like the comedy icons on Pandora, myself.

6. Don’t compare yourself to others. Everyone around is fighting battles we can’t see. And if they’re not now, they have before, or will be in the future. Treat the world with the same compassion you’d want for yourself.

7. Take time for introspection. What things were you unhappy about in the marriage relationship? What were you responsible for? What would you like for yourself for the future? Imagine your future. How big is it now? What are you excited for?

None of us wanted to be in this place, but life-changing doesn’t have to mean life-ending. Appreciation and gratitude are a process. You’ll get there but you have to aim for it.

Best of luck to you!!!


Me42, H40
D12, S8, S7
A revealed: 7/13
Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15

She believed she could, so she did.
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Hi 2016,

I understand your shock at the Christmas card thing. I was the same this year...wasn't expecting diddly, then opened £200 worth of gifts from my favourite shops. Just after i'd been told via text that he didn't want to have a talk alone with me. On our 25th Anniversary, I wasn't worth a face to face.

Tbh, the gifts meant little to me. I think at this stage I've gone numb...it's not a conscious thing, It just feels as if a cloud like force field has surrounded me.

I'm not a believer so I can't make a comment on that, but I do understand how hard it is to let go. The frustration on 'why me'. And oh my I've wondered myself...why on earth would I want this man back in my life? It's a process, every step gets worked through and I do believe it's made easier with GAL...I'm just rubbish at that part! But you sound like you've got this! You sound strong and composed and surrounded by love and distraction.

Best wishes for 2018.


Me 50 H 48
S 23 S 21 D 19
Together 31 years
Married 25 years
Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010
Separated September 2017
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Maybell, thank you for this really thoughtful and carefully constructed response. I took a while to reflect on what you said and I wanted to really digest what you wrote, I recognise the wisdom won through pain in your words.

I have been consciously engaging in points 3 (finding what makes me happy), 4 (GAL), 5 (laughing) and 7 (introspection). Point 2, about being aware of those beautiful moments, I need to work on more. This morning for eg. my son just piped out of nowhere, I love you Mummy, and my heart exploded, but then my mind starts to remember all the bad stuff and that awesome feeling slips away. I need to focus more on the good, like you've said.

Points 1 and 6 I really struggle with. Point 6 - comparing myself to others - I struggle with this because I compare myself to WH and OW. I don't think I am a worse person than WH and OW, but they seem to have a better life even though they did, are doing, a really bad thing. It's like they can lie and cheat and break lives and hearts and swan along with no consequences while I seem to have armloads of consequences. I struggle with that.

And point 1, about his leaving not being related to me - I can't accept that. I would love to believe what you said, about how it's all about his issues, I really really would, but I can't. I can't because he left me FOR HER. He is able to be honest and communicative and trustworthy - FOR HER. I know he used to copy her into all his emails, because he promised her he would be transparent about his communication with me. He helps around the house, he runs chores for her which he wouldn't do for me... It's killing me, that he's the man I want, but for someone else. For me, he refuses to be that man. If he had done the things for me that he did for her, we wouldn't have been in this place. But he didn't because I'm not worthy. Not compared to her. frown


Divorced and letting go.
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