My idea to separate has been an epic fail

[Caz49]

Our 25th wedding anniversary is approaching just before Christmas.
Usually we go away for one to two nights and buy each other lovely gifts.

What do I do this year? Do I acknowledge it? Wait for H and see what he does? When we separated the first time a few years ago we still went out to dinner...

I thought I'd feel upset and sad but I don't. I feel quite calm, not detached exactly, more curious. I guess I will just wait it out. H always takes a week off work during the Christmas period, maybe he'll start thinking about what he wants...but maybe he won't.

Ugh.

[Caz49]

So it looks like my H has already moved on, possibly had already been seeing someone whilst we weren't separated but I can't prove that.

My son saw a text message with lots of heart emojis whilst they were at a football match.

I've sent a text asking if he's sleeping with anyone. Of course he's never been upfront in the past, theres little to say he will now.

Yes, it was my idea to separate because I had thought in my naive way he'd have some kind of awakening and realise what he was throwing away. That he was being unfair and needed to make compromises.

I'm a fool. I feel foolish and discarded and just plain done.

[Anchor]

You're not a fool, unless loving and trusting someone is foolish.

I understand the feeling though. I feel like a right idiot for leaving my family, friends, career, my country, for someone who clearly never valued me.

Sorry to hear about the possible OW. Take some time to digest this. Don't do anything yet. Now you've asked the question of him, just leave him be. Ignore him even.Tine to regroup and reconsider.

[Caz49]

Thank you 2016sux,

I've just been on the phone to my sister...at 1 in the morning! Luckily she was awake. I don't know how I feel. Sad but not in tears. Numb. Almost vindicated in a way. That I was probably right to separate from him...I don't know this man. He's not a great dad and wasn't a good husband to me for so long.

My sister said at least I'm getting counselling and will be fixing myself...he'll still have the same problems and won't be able to communicate with OW.

She said the same as you, don't enter into any dialogue with him. Ignore him. He won't answer my text and I will take that as confirmation.

I deserve to be treated better than this. He can live how he pleases. But I will not be wasting another year waiting for him.

[Caz49]

I still haven't been able to sleep for 48 hours, but think I will fall asleep soon...as soon as I turn off my laptop!

I've had a miserable day. I think the last few months have finally caught up with me and I'm letting it go. I hope I will do just that and let it all go.

I've got wonderful children, they really are lovely people and we care about one another. I feel sorry for my H that he just doesn't get to be part of that. He'll never have them feel that real easy give and take love that we have in our house. Because he moves through life without living it. It's sad for him and sad for them. My eldest has always felt the disconnection, has overlooked it from time to time, sometimes got angry and resented his dad but always knows what his dad is.

Now I've noticed my middle son feeling the same way. He has made comments that his dad never contacts him but only his sister. That they only ever talk whilst at a football match and then its of nothing of significance.
And they never know his plans, when he's going to turn up...if he's going to turn up. They're not little kids anymore...but they still need a dad that they can connect to.

I'm going to bed feeling that I just can't change whats happening. But I can make tomorrow better, have a better attitude and focus on my future and my children's future and lives. I get to talk to my children everyday, and connect with my daughter most days whilst she's at Uni. I get to hear their jokes, laughter, feel their pain and comfort them and they get to do the same with me. With us its easy (we do argue sometimes!) and I feel proud I can say that.

Ive finally dropped the rope, I can't make my H be a more engaged and connected dad or H. He will have to work this one out for himself.

[PsySara]

You must get sleep, it's the fastest way to get properly detached. I suggest Remeron (aka Mirtazipine) as it is a tetra-cyclic antidepressant that is fantastic for sleep repair. IT does cause increase in appetite but if you watch what you eat you'll be fine. It's much safer than Ambien as well as benzodiazepines as it is not habit forming and does not cause withdrawals.

What do you do to make yourself feel better? Do you have a lot of friends (or a few) that you can go hang out with? What hobbies do you partake of? Tell us more about YOU. You're the important one here, not your walk-away husband.

[Caz49]

Thank you PsySara for the med recommendation. I see my Dr on Thursday, on another issue so I will bring it up. I'm hoping sleep will improve now that I am fighting off this flu...and I know where I stand now that my H is seeing OW.

I have lots of friends but I don't see many of them and don't hang out as such. I'm seeing a friend tomorrow for tea and a chat at a coffee shop. My other two close friends aren't so close anymore as they have busy lives...I didn't want to burden them with my latest round of problems, they know whats happening and they've not offered support, so I will leave it at that for now. They were an enormous support the first time round, nine years ago but maybe I'm just embarrassed to be going through this again.

I walk my dog for two hours in the morning and have made lots of 'friends' there. We chat and laugh but as yet no social connections outside of walking the dogs have been struck up. I know I can talk to people and can make friends. I think because my business is from home I've become quite isolated in a way. My H worked all week away and at weekends I reserved time for him.

I've searched out for a few meet up groups near me and will join a couple of other groups I'm interested in. I used to do a yoga class but stopped a year ago. Maybe time to do that again. I see my IC, whose starting personal training exercises with me in the new year. She's a really lovely lady and we get along well.

I'm having a bad few days. I wish my son had kept his information about seeing a heart text on my H phone to himself, BUT it's best I know. I had the chance to talk with my sons and for that I'm grateful. My heart has changed, whereas before I felt deep down H would have an epiphany and realise I was worth making changes for, I now know that THAT simply won't happen. He's closed his heart to me, I don't register in his life. I'm just someone that bore him children.

Yes I sound sorry for myself, today was the first day in months that I allowed myself that deep cry that's loud and sorrowful. My H had arrived to pick the children up to take them shopping, he didn't get out of the car and he didn't come to see if I was okay with the flu, the snow, Christmas etc. Deep down I thought he'd come and see if I was handling things.

I do not register in his life anymore. I made a huge error in his eyes. I tried to fight for my needs but I went about it in the wrong way. I reached breaking point, I was trying in a very naive and hurtful way to get him to acknowledge my pain. By asking to separate to get him to open his eyes, all I did was damage any chance we had of repairing our marriage...because I know he won't forgive me. And at the moment I don't forgive myself.

Its that simple. I'm finding it hard to like myself right now. This will pass.

The children return home later, and I will paste a smile on and ask about their shopping trip. And the treadmill that is my life will resume for now. Yes, it's a treadmill because I make it so...only I can liven it up and GAL. And I will.

[NicoleR]

Hi Caz, I'm so sorry to hear your latest news. So basically your husband sends you emotionless robotic texts but has no problem carrying on a relationship with someone else that sends him emoji and heart texts? That's just so awful. It sounds like he's back in England but if not, if I were you, I'd probably do something crazy like show up on his doorstep in the country where he works with divorce papers ready for him to sign.

It seems better you found out this information so you have what you need to grieve and move on. Not that you can just move on. That could take months or years, but it brings some kind of closure to a situation where you've already tried everything.

Maybe this is totally the wrong advice, but I feel like you could benefit from having a male friend with whom to go to dinner or a movie sometimes. You don't need to be dating, but there must be a man in your same situation in your area who would appreciate some company. Maybe you don't want to date or get re-married any time soon, but your closest female friends sound busy and they're probably in stable marriages so it's hard for them to relate.

I don't know. All of this is so unfair. I'm so disappointed in humans' capacity to do these things without any regard for anyone else. And who are these women and men having affairs with our spouses without any morals or caring that their affair partner is married? How can so this be so common? I just feel so sad that we live in a world where the people we should love and trust the most abandon us and don't even care.

My situation is no better than yours. I can only say that I know the feelings of being so alone, not knowing what the future holds, not knowing how to replace the void. It doesn't seem like going out dancing and going to the gym alone can fix the breakup of a family or the end of a long marriage. There has to be a deeper change, a deeper acceptance of this whole affair phenomenon and of the fact that we have so little control over the actions of the person who promised to love us forever. I hope you can find a way to divorce your husband and start over. It can't get much worse than it is now!

[Caz49]

Hi Nicole, how are you? I was thinking about you today and was going to check in.

I think you make some great points. I'm definitely not ready to date...I don't know how these people move on so quickly! But yes some male company would be so comforting right now. If I knew a man in my situation I'd love that idea. Company without strings.

The other night I yearned for a cuddle and then out of the blue both my sons gave me a hug at different times. It was sweet, unexpected and showed me I'm loved regardless of my H.

Today has been tough. It's knowing my H is in the country and my expectations rise and become dashed and I get anxious and am at a loss. More needs to be done on detachment I think!

Anyway I realised I can't go on this way. I can't avoid my H and be avoided by him. I think he avoids me because he's totally unsure of my reaction. And I avoid him because I'm unsure of my own reactions to his not saying anything. It's a vicious circle and needs breaking. So I've made the first move...rightly or wrongly.

I text him earlier this evening and asked him if he'd like to meet up Saturday and talk. I did say I was sorry that I hurt him, separating the way we did. But I needed this time for counselling to help me get past the last few years. That I needed lots more sessions but they were helping me and helping put things into perspective. Maybe stupidly I ended it with a X

He text back saying he was sure we both didn't intend to hurt one another...that he didn't intend to hurt me. And yes he wanted to meet up and talk before Christmas. He ended the text with a X also.

So, my plan is to meet him away from the house as I don't want the children knowing we are meeting. Complicates matters too much. One of the reasons I'm doing this is because the children find being around both of us awkward. They don't like it and it's just not healthy for any of us. I need to get to a place where we can be in the same room without feeling insane amounts of tension and emotion.

I'm going to dress nice...not too try hard but looking good. I'm going to literally talk about the children, a matter that has arisen about my sons driving test, money issues, Christmas, ask about his work and keep it short but light. I really don't want to talk about R or anything intimate...unless he instigates it but thats very much doubtful.

I'm going to be seeing my IC on Wednesday and we will talk through how I should get myself prepared for this meeting, how to limit my expectations and to end the meeting on a high note and not a sour one.

And you're right Nicole...it certainly can't get much worse than now. But I can get myself into a better headspace starting from tomorrow...I just need to temper my expectations and learn to not just act cool and but to become cool. Its doable...I can do this!

[Caz49]

So I received a text yesterday from H...I will be over in a bit....I have some gifts to drop off for you

I relied 'would you like to meet in the supermarket car park, so I don't have to explain to the children whats happening'

He basically replied that he wasn't expecting to meet outside of the house. That he didn't want to meet me alone. He was sorry but he'd been doing a lot of thinking as our 25th Anniversary approached and his feelings haven't changed...he didn't want to meet up with us both on different pages.

I replied that it wasn't necessary to meet up then. I also said I hadn't wanted to discuss us, but money matters and the children.

After I had a conversation with my sister and my counsellor...who thinks his text was cruel as a few days ago he'd agreed to meet up and 'talk'...doesn't that imply actually talking???

I wonder if he'd gone away and got scared I'd throw myself at him in an emotional rant.

Anyway, I sent a text with the money requests, and other stuff that I needed to ask him regarding the house, my son and a shop lease. He replied at length to this text and was very amenable to helping me out etc. I ended it by wishing him a good day with the children Christmas Eve and he replied again saying he had gifts for me and to have a good Christmas Eve and Day.

So this morning he arrives to pick up the children and I made myself scarce...why would I hang around for a man that I've known 30 years who doesn't want to be alone with me. When I returned there was a bag of presents for me all beautifully wrapped. I opened them because I do not want that tension and hurt to be there when the children open their gifts on Christmas Day. He went to my favourite shop and had bought some of my favourite things...including a plate that had a painting that looked like our dog that passed away in 2016. Plus a candle, mug and Cashmere scarf, gloves and sweater...around £200 in all (he left the labels on!)

I don't think I can look at these things without feeling sick. I know I'm supposed to be concentrating on my life and GAL, but right now I feel defeated, lost and discarded. Everything just feels so hard. All the supreme strength it takes to be upbeat and not emotional is draining, and just doesn't feel authentic. How can some people be so emotionally detached? I want to be that person. I need to be that person.
I'm having a crying session right now but I will dust myself off and go bake some goodies for tomorrow. My children are my blessings, they heal some of this pain...and I try very very hard to keep upbeat for them. I do not lean on them for support but they support me without realising. My eldest is a night owl and kept me company till 4am watching Netflix. I know I'm lucky and this is what keeps me going.

I hope you can all try and have a lovely and peaceful day on Christmas Day. Best wishes for the New Year.