WAW? Would Love Opinions. Part 10

[LH19]

Yes....if she was banging some other dude then I would file. If she is why wouldn't she want me to know? Why keep it a secret?

This is the second time I answered this question in the last two weeks. She doesn't want to be look at as an adulterer. Family, friends and eventually when old enough your children would know. Not to mention now she can blame it on you. If there is an OP that is all on her.

Just out of curiosity, how did she explain away those books?

[TBSakaJ9]

Hey L...makes sense.

I remember telling her as it was in the same conversation I had with her about this dude coming up and dancing with her.

I asked her what the hell was going on with this guy and if she wanted to be with him. She said no, shook her head and said it was something stupid. I said well at least is he better than me and she shook ahead no again I could tell she was embarrased and ashamed. Then I I asked her about the books, what they were and that my mom found them. She started crying again acting ashamed. I reminded her she was a school teacher and that anyone could view what she was reading. If a student or parent saw this it may look favorable on her and she just needs to be careful. Then she got kind of mad because she felt like people were keeping track of her. I told her I didn't really care and if there is someone else just let me know. Just tell me. She denied it, said there was no one else and said the books were stupid. One of which she took back and the other was a recommendation from a friend. Then the next day she deleted her Good Reads account.

Just remember I was less than a month in and my head realing. I will say though that I didn't like how she made me feel this day and that was the day I really started withdrawing myself from the equation. Truthfully I never believed a word she said but I had no hard evidence. I really thought I was going to find something when I was snooping but I didn't. However it has always been in the back of my mind. I also felt like I was in high school.

So when I think about getting a D and pushing forward myself I think about this day, I think about the I don't love you, I am not attracted to you, the attitude she showed me early on, her acting like her $hit didn't stink and was so much better than me. I think about if I have been played for a chump the entire time and my only saving grace is that we are separated and I am no longer pursuing. Anyways thats it.

[LH19]

J,

Just hang in there man until after the holidays. Our wives are going through some $hit that isn’t going to end anytime soon. I’m drinking a beer laughing my ass to the show The Ranch on Netflix. It’s hilarious.

Have a good weekend!

[TBSakaJ9]

Thanks man u2....I need to check that show out. Been slacking on my Netflix stuff lately!

Went to the gym this am and then did some Christmas shopping for the girls. W lost her keys to the apt and her car. You will never guess who she called in a panic??? Yep, big daddy. Lessoned learned that what they project on the exterior may not match how or what they feel on the inside.

Anyway....weekend is good. Drinking a beer getting ready to watch some football!

[TBSakaJ9]

Hey all, had a good weekend. Went out on Friday night with some buddies for a few drinks at a local establishment. Didn't see any ladies I would be interested in but it was good to get out and socialize.

My youngest had a basketball game on Saturday morning. She scored 6 pts and had a couple good assists so that was cool.

Saturday afternoon I did some Christmas shopping. My W is an Ohio St. alumni so I got her an Ohio St. Yeti cup which will be the girls present to her. I then got my girls a couple of duffle bags for their soccer gear and then went to this little girls store called Justice and got them some bath balms, press on nails, lip gloss, face masks, stuff like that. I was the only dude in the store but it was kinda cool.

Didn't so anything on Saturday night, just chilled out and watched some football. Did the same yesterday as it was cold and rainy here in my part of Texas. Just had a lazy day of doing nothing.

Had some interaction with the W over the weekend but nothing to write about. Just did some texting back and forth on the girls Christmas gifts and drop off times for yesterday. I can tell she is not as wound up but is still no where near thinking about recon.

I have my D's this week which I am happy for since it is the week before Christmas and my W did not decorate her apartment. Hopefully they will be able to get into the spirit since they are home with their tree and their Elf Henry. My youngest had her Christmas party at school this morning so skipped out of work for a few to attend. The kids really love when the parents come to school. Will hit the gym tonight after work and they settle into the evening routine with the kiddos.

Still no word yet from my W on Christmas and if she is going to spend the night or not and be at the house on Christmas morning. I thought about reaching out to her about Christmas Eve and her thoughts on what she wanted to do but I decided not to. She said she wanted to do something together as a family so I will let her come to me. I don't want to appear all needy and start pursuing the Christmas plans.

[Vanilla]

Joseph I finally waded through all 10 threads, you joined when I was going through a dark time on the board so I missed a great deal of your journey.

You are standing being the lighthouse very well. I think so.

In posts with Doodler you chat about indifference. Indifference I is not ideal, the exact location is in detachment not Indifference. In other words you are able to cope with the outcome, fine if she comes for Xmas and fine if she does, great if you D (as if reunited new R) and terrific if you reconcile.

It's one of the things I observe on the board, the wayward knows when the LBS has reached that point of detachment and generally they react in any number of ways, including rage, Nutts and coming to their senses.

Whatever your WW does is her concern, it makes sense to her. Stop mind reading and detach.

When you are ready LRT is one way of demonstrating you have detached, and that doesn't always mean stopping standing or dating. It means getting on with your life and being prepared to move forward with it. Moving forward isn't moving on, neither is letting go. Both moving forward and letting go are both detachment techniques. You can include some standing and being friendly, leaving the path smooth etc.

Detaching also means there is no chance you can be plan B, 'W, I want you as my W, I will be friendly coparent and cooperate on an S. However I will not be your friend and I have set my limits on when I move forward with my life. That's for me to know and decide. From now on the practical side of your life is your own and is not my concern unless it affects our children.

W, your car broke down, your phone went bust, you lost your keys...that is tough for you, I sympathise. What are you going to do about it?

W, your fridge broke down, I am sure you can handle it.

On the other hand, W you broke your arm and can't drive, of course I will pick up the kids from school today, let's put a plan together to come with this. How long will your arm be in plaster? What alater natives have you put in place to cope with your share of the caring............

W, the kids and I have plans on boxing day to do X and etc.....

Detachment not Indifference.

Let me just discuss anger, it's great, a wonderful motivating thing and if directed can be your friend. I had too little of it, still do. The amazing Zues has real strong directive anger which makes him a winner. I lack that, operating from sadness (not depression).

I sense that may also be you, what is your thought?

When anger does hit you, it will likely be overpowering and hard to deal with. Expect it.

I really enjoy your stance with your children, it is a delight to read and reminds me very much of the gentle SH whose two Ds are the delight of his life. They still very much are and he has had one phenomenal healing journey. This is the start if you let it.

You will heal and grow through this, one day in detached mode you may meander to surviving the D with the battle scarred of the board who live new and happy lives.

We are here to repair our R, and end up repairing ourselves, with or without our spouse. That is the true journey and in your case I think you are well on your way.

I recommend detaching it's a great space to be in.

V

[TBSakaJ9]

Hey V......I think I feel indifference more when my anger starts to creep in. Throughout my journey I have never once released my anger towards my W. I have channeled it a few times in the weight room but she hasn't seen it.

I think the hard part for me has been trying to strike a balance between being that lighthouse, having the path back smooth, being a good co-parent, etc. while also detaching to the point to where my actions stir emotion in her like you described. I realize that is a work in progress.

With that said I have detached in many way but I realize not completely. I sleep good at night and no longer have that pit in my stomach, I am no longer nervous around her and am much more comfortable with my conversation, I don't find myself constantly wondering what she is doing or where is at. It will cross my mind but I usually process it and move on. I used to dread having my children because of how she was spending her time but now I take them every chance I get because I love spending time with them.

I still have periods of sadness but everyone that knows me is amazed at how well I am doing. My D's are extremely happy and I think my handling of the situation has had something to do with it.

The only thing that really stirs my emotions are my D's. when I talk about them during my IC sessions I really break down. My W no longer stirs those emotions in me. Start to talk about my D's and I cry every time. I am tearing up as I type.

I know I will be fine either way. I am good with the outcome as I know who I am as a person, my values and the type of husband and father I am/was. I did get lazy in my MR however this journey my W is on is about her not me.

I know I have to continue working on detachment and I have been given a few 2x4's on mind reading . Thank you for your positive words and encouragement. Some times when your in the weeds it's hard to see that your on the right path.

Thanks again!!

[Vanilla]

Just a brief word on dads and DDs. In the last few weeks I have lost my beloved aged pa at 96 years young.

I am his little girl still, and until the day he died he told me he loved me, hugged me and believed in me. Your Ds are as you say very precious. It's good to cry and feel. If I told you aged pa was a happy man and was very loved and respected that is the highest honor at the end of a life you can have.

And if the idea of V being a little one brings a smile that's intended. Your arms, your love, your quiet strength will stabilise your daughters.

So brave heart, cry also with joy for you are truly blessed.

V

[TBSakaJ9]

V.....I am very sorry but how lucky you were to have him in your life for such a long time. He sounds like a wonderful man and I hope that at the end of my life I can say the same thing. When it comes to these girls I take my role very seriously and yes I am truly blessed!

Your post brought tears to my eyes again. When I think of my D's and the family they don't have it makes me very sad (then at times the anger comes). My parents got D when I was very young and I always swore that I would never get D because I wanted my kids to experience something that I never did. An intact family and their home that they could always come home to with their M and D waiting for them. Hence the main reason I am on this journey.

I am that guy who is blessed with 2 beautiful D's that I know if we had a 3rd child it would have been another D, same with the 4th, 5th and so on. I just knew that it was my destiny. I am laid back, easy going but when it comes to those girls I will cry at the drop of a hat. They are so sweet, so innocent, so brave and it is the part of this situation that breaks my heart.

My heart will heal and I can find new love but they don't deserve this and as their protector it hurts.

[Holding]

My parents got D when I was very young and I always swore that I would never get D because I wanted my kids to experience something that I never did. An intact family and their home that they could always come home to with their M and D waiting for them.

Man, it suddenly got real dusty in here.

[[[Bro hug]]]