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Elle017 Offline OP
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Thanks, Holding. I like to think I am pretty good person....I know that I am a loyal, supportive and loving wife. None of us are perfect, but nothing that would warrant a full blown affair and then the aftermath of devastation he has caused.
Everyone was right, it's a Plan B reservation act. He took his AP on a mini-vacay and introduced her to some of our mutual friends over the weekend.....thus the ping Monday morning. Kind of disgusting and diabolical to spend the weekend with her, using spousal support that I pay and then ping me on Monday saying you are "just thinking of you..." It still amazes me...this is the same guy that would leave me sweet notes on the mirror in the morning, would send me flowers because and bring me coffee in bed. Like his personality and brain just broke and there is a alien in his stead?


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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You are not alone. My w went on a vacation with her AP and she called and texted me from there. It makes no sense so don’t waste any effort trying to understand it.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Elle017 Offline OP
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Continue to get text messages w/ kissy faced emojis.....I continue not to reply.

I am soliciting opinions, there is a family event this weekend and we are both going to be in attendance to the church portion, but I am leaning towards declining the dinner afterwards. Not to be petty, but to keep the awkwardness to a minimum for all involved, especially me.....though I don't know if it would be good to give him an opportunity to communicate face-to-face since we are separated and have not seen each other since the end of August. Additionally, I didn't cheat, lie and blow up our marriage....should I skulk away and hide in an attempt to be thoughtful to the host and family by excusing myself.

Thoughts?


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
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Elle017 Offline OP
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Could use some advice. I went to the family event, saw the stbxh and upon seeing me all he did was cry....Like ugly cry and try to make small talk. I left and he texted me that he was sorry for hurting me, then another text trying to flirt with me and then another later saying he was a broken man. I tried to respond kindly, but without any emotion...Like "what happened, happened let's move on from it". Then radio silence for a few weeks. Then yesterday, I got a Christmas card from him, but he addressed it from the dog? Like, I love you, mom and thank you for being such a wonderful human and taking care of me???? What the heck???

How do I respond or do I even respond? I'm a little confused on the NC/Dim/Dark stuff.....Because I think he's reaching out and I want to be kind, but I also am not a Plan B. He's still with his AP and she scheduled her divorce at the same time so she's now divorced from her husband and 2 kids.
Help?


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
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Being myself a (former?)WH it is sad to read what you have written.
I remember living some of that chaotic life of your stbxh and my heart starts pumping faster. It is a bad place to be. I havent even found the courage to start a thread. But my mind is pushing to write...soon

Where do you stand now? Are you fighting for your M?


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Posts: 10
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Elle017 Offline OP
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Thanks neffer, sorry you lived it....but happy to see you said “former”. I am hoping that means you came thru the tunnel and were able patch things up with your loved ones. I am particularly happy that someone with your perspective responded. I am trying to be a “lighthouse” as some refer to a stander, but I am struggling. My stbxh filed for a divorce that will be final in January and I moved out of state for a job promotion and to be near family/friends. He went public with his AP soon after I moved and has guilt texted me for months (normally when he was away or at dinner with her or the next day...thinking of you.....have a good week....how are you...).
I am losing hope. I am living my life and thinking I will start dating once the divorce is final. I want to wait for him, but 6 months of spewing cruelty, then ignoring, them crying, then humiliating w/ AP......I’m just don’t know anymore. I want to be a lighthouse and try to understand his pain and confusion, but I’m not sure it’s always healthy for the LBS. thoughts?
Is he sincere and remorseful or just trying to mask his guilt? When the person you love and trust in the world to protect you & be your teammate violates and betrays you......it’s so hard to stand and wait.
I want to respond with kindness even if it’s not warranted, I am just struggling with trust & respect.


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
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Elle017 Offline OP
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Thanks neffer, sorry you lived it....but happy to see you said “former”. I am hoping that means you came thru the tunnel and were able patch things up with your loved ones. I am particularly happy that someone with your perspective responded. I am trying to be a “lighthouse” as some refer to a stander, but I am struggling. My stbxh filed for a divorce that will be final in January and I moved out of state for a job promotion and to be near family/friends. He went public with his AP soon after I moved and has guilt texted me for months (normally when he was away or at dinner with her or the next day...thinking of you.....have a good week....how are you...).
I am losing hope. I am living my life and thinking I will start dating once the divorce is final. I want to wait for him, but 6 months of spewing cruelty, then ignoring, them crying, then humiliating w/ AP......I’m just don’t know anymore. I want to be a lighthouse and try to understand his pain and confusion, but I’m not sure it’s always healthy for the LBS. thoughts?
Is he sincere and remorseful or just trying to mask his guilt? When the person you love and trust in the world to protect you & be your teammate violates and betrays you......it’s so hard to stand and wait.
I want to respond with kindness even if it’s not warranted, I am just struggling with trust & respect.
_________________________


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
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You have to protect yourself Elle. Throw the insane fog that surrounded me in those dark times, I still remember my W being the lighthouse. I managed to get my self respect back and then respecting my family. It is a long journey but it belongs to your stbxh. You keep DBing and GAL. It is your life. Feel the freedom to live it.

(((Elle)))


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 2,136
Likes: 19
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through...hate self writting phones!!!


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 10
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Elle017 Offline OP
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I know you mentioned that you were on the cusp of writing your own story. Though I am sure it's scary, I am encouraging you to write about your experience. I know if my heart that my sweet, loving husband didn't just change over night. Things must have been brewing that he either blamed me or didn't feel safe discussing with me. Your insight would be invaluable......and maybe even cathartic for you? I have heard to look to a MLC or WAH's actions vs. their words. Not sure how to feel or react to the most recent reach out? Should I just ignore? Ever since I have moved and gone NC (including deleting him from all social media) he has shown nice actions....paying for extended insurance that we share without being prompted, checking in on my health that he found out thru a friend I was suffering and the most recent Christmas card.......just so confused. I was doing pretty good about not thinking about him at all and looking forward to dating and getting on with my life......then I get sucked back in.
Neffer, what made you turn around and reinvest completely with your wife? Or if you are aren't reconciled, what cleared the fog so you could see more clearly?

Thank you for sharing, I truly appreciate it.


M-16yrs together 19yrs
H49/W42
No children
BD-4/11/2017
EA- discovered 4/20/2017 / ongoing from 10/2016
mentions divorce 6/2017
files D 9/2017
currently mediating/finalizing D
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