Very interesting Ciluzen and thanks for following along and posting.
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So really, not so much about the feel-good urges of sex (although that can be awesome and exciting), but the need to connect with another and be understood while trying to understand what's missing for them. Until they push aside distractions such as OPs and do their own inner work, they aren't going to get there.
I've been curious about this connection aspect. During our marriage, at least I felt an amazing connection with H. I hear this a lot from others on the board as well. eg. best friends, good as a team, loved each others company, etc. To lose that so suddenly and realize he has NO interest in me at all, is why I'm so devastated. Before MLC, I'm sure he felt the same connection as I did. You can't fake that over 20 years. So now wondering if the connection returns when the MLC is over? Or does it have to be rebuilt from scratch?
That connection between you two and the idealized connection he is most likely looking for are different...how could they not be? One is a fantasy, as ideals often are; a wish for someone to "get them" 100%. Existential thought is that we are born alone and we die alone; no one can be just like us, so our journey is ours to make on our own. That's scary and lonely for someone who is depressed. They are looking for someone to fill the hole that only they can fill. They need to find out what that hole is for; what it is that is missing in THEM. You two had a connection that was real, but somehow he realized that whatever his missing need was (now that the excitement of being "in love" with you has worn off) was suddenly intolerable. You weren't meeting it (and you shouldn't...it's something he needs to fix in himself), so he needs to look elsewhere. That's why I was saying the OPs, or work, or new hobbies, or new friends and lifestyles are all distractions and desperate attempts to meet an unfilled need. It seems that excitement is a popular distraction in MLCers...why go deep when its easier to bandaid the hole with a thrill?
And you're right. You can't fake over 20 years. You say you realize that he has no interest in you at all? How do you know what's going on in his head? We all try to read minds here, but none of us are any good at it. He's seemingly distracted. She's a squirrel. She's meeting a need right now. You have no control over that. Go GAL. Wait him out.
If, while waiting, you happen to see things in yourself that need changing, change them. Are there things that limit you or scare you? Face them, and overcome them. Things you don't understand? Do some research (not the facebook or Reddit kind) Don't sit stagnant while waiting and wishing he'd change. Give him the space to stretch out and roam a bit. 20 years is a long time...to depend on another to distract you from what's missing in you. For both of you. So while he's distracted, go distract yourself. Find yourself. Follow Sandi's rules. Be kind if he does notice, but let him have the space and time to find out that that hole is in himself and his own to fill; no one else can do it for him.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Re-read the last couple of postings from ciluzen. They are excellent, especially the last one.
As we say around here, give them space and plenty of it so that they can do whatever it is they need to do and hopefully miss you. When we are there or texting, calling, emailing, etc., they can't miss us and yes, we become a distraction to them because they are then focusing on us and our situations. They need to focus on themselves and what they need to do to heal. It is very true, we can't fix them and only they can do that. Mind reading is a very dangerous thing because truly, we do not know what they are thinking and to be perfectly honest w/you...their minds change on a dime and give back one penny. They are very emotional and one minute they are up, the next down and the same goes w/having conversations w/them...one minute they are friendly, the next they can become angry. Don't take what they say to heart. They are projecting.
While they are orbiting the earth, we have been given the gift of time. Use the time wisely and rediscover the person that you once were and will become again. We don't realize how much of ourselves we have given up/changed during our marriages. This is the time to take up old hobbies or discover new hobbies, meet up w/old friends and may even make some new friends along the way. Don't be afraid to try something new for yourself. You can wait and leave the door ajar...but you need to live your life for you. Time doesn't stand still for any of us and the crisis person will discover that much later on.
This time of the year is magical in the sense that people tend to be more open and wanting to spend time w/others. Call up some friends, go out for lunch, dinner a movie or to a museum...but please, do not stay home alone. It's a time for new beginnings and your life's book has a new page that needs the pen to start writing the next chapter.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
job I love what you wrote about the next chapter. I see that I have resisted enjoying things or truly trying to since BD. I was still looking at it from the perspective I heard so much before I came here.....move on, accept H just changed his mind, it happens, you just weren't paying attention because things like this don't happen overnight.
And when I tried to explain that was wrong, that I knew we had problems like everyone else but loved each other I just heard stop making excuses. Grow up and get used to it. Grab the baseball bat and take out his car. Sell all his crap. Show up where he and OW are and let them have it. I'm sure you can imagine the rest. Tough love at its best...well meaning but not really helping.
I need to start looking at this in a whole new light.
Until people walk a mile in your shoes, they will not understand your situation. It's best to shut them down politely, i.e., change the subject and try not to explain the situation to them.
In a normal situation, you would have known he was unhappy for years, but you didn't. He most probably appeared to be happy up until 18-24 months prior to the BD. That is when something happened in his life and set him up to start re-evaluating his life. He probably now says he was unhappy one, two or even 5 years...but that's not the case really.
Couples usually try to work things out, seek professional help, when they are unhappy and know that the path they are on isn't a good one. Generally, a marriage can be saved if people are willing to do the work. In the case of the crisis people, they don't want to work on the relationship, they just want out to seek what they think that they have missed out on. They become very selfish and don't care about the LBS and even their children.
Hunny, it's time to open your life's book and begin writing the next chapter. It's okay to leave the door ajar and move "forward". Live your life to the fullest because once time passes by, we can't get it back.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I need an opinion PLEASE. H and I are physically separated and both of us are struggling financially because of it.
His lease comes up at then end of March/18. At that time it will only be 9 months from BD.
If we could manage to set clear ground rules including a plan to stay out of each others way as much as possible, is there any way we could live together in our house as roommates only.
What I don't want to do is delay his progress on the MLC journey in any way and I wonder if being roommates would be a problem that way.
Our house is big enough that we could stay clear of each other for the most part.
In case you were wondering which stage you are in, it’s called bargaining. I mean this is the nicest possible way, but stop trying to make excuses, problem solve, or figure it out for him. Leave him to him and take in a roommate, get an extra job, move or cut back on expenses.
Sorry you find yourself in this stressful situation.
So, I have a live - in MLCer. He has stayed since BD in November 2014. The thing is, we can't really control this at all. The idea of setting ground rules and being roommates sounds really great. But, in reality it's not going to be like an episode of Friends.
People in depression and at this level of crisis have huge issues with coping skills. We can't set ground rules on them. We can set our own boundaries to create a safe bubble for us but he's going to rebel against your ground rules.
Of course you can propose that he moves back in and you two live as roommates. But you should know that you'll have no idea what you'll be dealing with. He could move in and be a nice, quiet hermit who wants nothing to do with you. Or he could monster on you 24/7. He could move back in but not pay his share for anything, not clean up and stay out all hours of the night. He could be on the phone all the time w/OW. Or maybe she'll be coming around to visit? Then there's all the psychological stuff you'll see.
To me, it seems like you're pursuing him. I think you're better off bringing in a real roommate or two. Or, rent the whole house to a family and go elsewhere where you can focus on you and your life.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Hi GalPal, I would encourage you to think about how much of what you suggest is from a financial and how much is from an emotional perspective.
Financially, would there be other options (as HaWho suggests) to help you both get on a more secure footing? Emotionally, are you suggesting this as a way to try and bring him back under the same roof to hopefully reconnect as 'friends' - or to keep an eye on what he is doing? Ie: hopefully if we are 'living' together he won't do anything too extreme...have OW or whatever..
Me and XH separated at BD, and looking back I am relieved that was the case. From all that I have read, it seems to be a much harder road for those living with their MLCer. I"m not saying any road is easy, but to have the 'front seat' 'in your face' experience of MLC is a tough one.
Whether your H would want to consider living as room mates, given his relatively recent separation from you is another part of the picture I guess. Without reading back, has there been OW on the scene at all?
It's always up to you to decide on your own best course of action, but I would encourage you to think about your motivation and try and operate from a business/financial perspective. Really, my view with MLC is it's best to step back, let go, leave be and self-protect.
Also, expect any MLCer in the replay stage to be very poor at following 'ground rules' and you won't be disappointed. If you could manage to live with someone who is potentially on dating sites, dating, texting OW, making poor financial choices, partying and coming in late - it may be a reasonable way forward. But I think you may come across some or all of those kinds of behaviour. Could you manage to have a pleasant day regardless, leave him to it and be non-reactive?
Just some food for thought hopefully and hope there is something useful in here for you.
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
