Waoo Cil ... you are an amazing lady... I went through the last thread and I see a very strong proud lady and such a great mother. The way you transformed the relation with your exh is amazing and how you made a home for him and you kids. You could have done the thanks giving for you and kids but including exh I am sure made it easier for the kids and more enjoyable for you.yes expectations is a problem but then again even when we decide to be involved in a new relationship we have to deal with our expectations. In this case it is more personal since we feel this guy was ours. I salute you for being able to be the shining star in your family life. Try to enjoy every moment you have whether with kids, exh, or dating...i now think it is important to enjoy everyday as to tomorrow we don’t own it hence why worry about it. Wishing you a great xmas ahead...
M 45 H 45 D1 12 D2 9 BD 04/14 Living two different state Not officially separated
bttrfly and Lana, thank you for the positive feedback. I really feel grateful for any that I get, but positive is very welcome! Thank you.
I'm off to take my first final of four finals, one project, one research paper and a presentation on it this week, wish me luck! Then, off I fly to my hometown to see my mom and my in-laws. I have been encouraged by XH to go, as well. Which brings me to the short update.
On Saturday, out of the blue, he called. No real reason; he was driving up to the river house to get something for D25 and just seemed to want to talk. It was surprisingly even more like talking to "old H" then ever before since bomb drop. He spoke of the house almost as if we both still went there together and it was ours; asking me where things were and what I thought about things. So...hunh.
Then I remembered...its holiday time in MLC-land. Ahhhhh. Almost fell for it.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Thanks, bttrfly! I'm going to pop over and visit your thread soon. I had something to say there, but it was deleted and I didn't have time to rewrite before class. But now I'm done for a few weeks!
I did well on finals and presented my research paper, which is supposed to lead into our thesis. Its funny, my cohort (program-mates) have a closed facebook group where we can communicate with each other outside of classes. I asked if anyone wanted to do a few study sessions outside of classes at a local coffee shop and bakery. The only ones to show one day were the men in my cohort. The next day only one other female and again...all of the men. I truly felt like I was back in college 30 years ago when most of my friends were male! I don't know what it is, but I'm better just hanging out with one or two female friends at a time, but I'm more comfortable with guys in a group. I did grow up as the only girl on my street as a child, so that might be part of it. Anyway, it made me happy, as we got to know each other better and were able to share a bit more about our lives and why we chose our program. They learned more about my intense fear of speaking in public and were my biggest cheerleaders the day I had to present my paper, before and after. I was heavily praised afterwards...needed that so much and am grateful and thankful.
I am flying down into the flames of Cali tomorrow to visit family before Christmas (including XH's parents), but have to work on a painting for a client as much as I can before X-mas eve, so I'm sitting inside watching it dump snow outside. I have made time for a few friends, though. Two of my former work-mates have had their H's of over twenty years leave recently. Both reached out to me (I'm very open about the goings-on of my situation). I can't help but recommend this forum and the meetup site when this happens. I am forever thankful for the wisdom imparted, the supportive members, and all of the loving 2x4s received. Although I don't always agree with some of the advice given, that's ok. We are all different people in different situations, and what works for one may not work for another. I have tried other sites, as well, but none have affected my attitude in this situation as much as this one. There is, in my opinion, so much more wisdom imparted and much less pettyness and unmitigated anger than other sites. Its ok to be angry...as long as it's eventually recognized for what it is below the surface; hurt, pain, sadness, loss. And then dealt with. It paves the way for understanding, which eventually leads to forgiveness; something which never should be forced. You can't fake that til you make it, or the underlying feelings will create the same monster that many MLCers are portrayed as. I see that in many posts; the verbal representation of nodding yes and smiling, but the still-seething anger seeping out the corners or through the teeth of the smile. Understanding HAS to precede forgiveness. I had to learn that myself the hard way...saying I forgave XH, but then attacking him when he was most vulnerable because my hurt was still there. Yeah. Can't be forced.
Anyway, holiday time. Just thinking and sharing. Hope you all are enjoying your day during this joyful, hectic season; or at least making an attempt if joy isn't quite there. So much to be thankful for, when you really look.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I wanted to take a moment and pop over here to say "thank you" for the wisdom and advice that you have shared and continue to share.
Please travel safely to visit your loved ones. I am keeping everyone in Cali in my thoughts and prayers, particularly this holiday season as so much has been lost, as well as some lives.
I hope that you will have a nice holiday season.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
What you wrote about healing organically from the anger really resonated with me. This idea that we can't really force ourselves to forgive before we are ready really helped me. We are much better offer accepting the anger, feeling it and processing it than skimming over it.
I wish you safe travels. And like Job said, I thank you for all the advice you've always given me.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
So, updating. My computer died while in Cali, so there's alot that went on since the last post. I'll try to be brief, but well...it's me.
My mom lives just south of the big fire in California. I had to change the airport that I was flying into/out of because there was no reliable way to get to her house from the airport I was scheduled to use. I was trying to keep her from driving in LA, but it happened anyway. We had a pleasant visit, but while I was down it became confession time for both mom and my much older brother, presumably because I'm training to be a therapist. I listened, but wow. Now I really understand so much more about why my mother and brother behave the way they do...and how much damage can be done to not only yourself but to everyone around you if you keep it all locked in. I won't ever be able to hear, "it's nobody's business" said to loved ones without thinking how incredibly short-sighted and potentially damaging that attitude can be. What you try to hide comes out; in misunderstood behavior or emotional reactivity, if not words or shared feelings.
Along those lines, I also went to visit with my in-laws. XH called quite a few times...he was worried that I might be treated badly, as his father is (according to him) very mean to everyone and crazy. What I saw was a man who was on his best behavior with me, who was depressed and broken. He was a bit irritated by my MIL's repetetive "loop" questions, but not too bad. My mother-in-law seems just...cute. Happy, but confused by everything. But really wanting to be part of the conversation. So, brother-in-law and I both tried to include her often. It was nice to see them, and BIL seemed very happy to see me. He texted me later and told me I would always be "his only sister". I was deeply touched by that.
Fast forward to Christmas day. Both girls and their men came as did XH. We had a good time eating (always a good activity) and playing games. XH was in rare form...shouted out, "mom gets to be on my team!" (flashes me a grin), kept answering things that had to do with me or my "stuff" in Scattergories(more looks at me and grin flashing), even answering a terms of endearment question with my pet name in the voice he always used when saying it...looked me right in the eyes while smiling. I didn't get him a present this year, but I did include him when creating stockings from Santa. Everyone got a kick out of the random stocking stuffers and there was a lot of laughter...we all had fun. He stayed a bit after, I got a very nice hug, and a sweet thank you text after he left. Oh...and this year I got a Christmas present for the first time in two years. I know my D27 and he went shopping on X-mas eve after skiing and she said it was because he felt obligated to bring me presents since I was hosting. But it was different. Still no expectations of R, but something is going on in that noggin.
Two days later he came by to pick up the presents from his father (they were all sent to me). I was painting and he just walked in after a quick knock. Instead of just grabbing his stuff, he walked over to the fridge and grabbed a beer, came over and talked. Nothing deep. Grabbed another beer and continued. He threw in some info about his activities (he seldom offers up info on what he does) and even mentioned Bubble's kids a few times (I'm aware that they still do things together, but with her husband and the kids- even moreso the kids). I made sure to not react, but to listen. I'm usually wrong in what I assume he's thinking...I'm not a good mindreader. So, I'm becoming a pretty good listener...and sometimes a question asker.
One funny thing. In one thread I told of him meeting me on the ski hill when we were still seperated. We had lunch together and he wanted to show me plans for the mountainside lodging at the real estate office next door. He referred to the plans while we were talking and I brought up that I'd seen them and related the story about him taking me to the office (but not when). He immediately said he must have dragged me kicking and screaming into that office. I gently brought up the circumstances and told him that I quite enjoyed that day and he seemed to as well. He looked at me for a second...he seemed to have no memory at all of it. He moved on with his talking.
So, what did I learn from this? I am a negative. I am still the bad memory...even though the memory is innaccurate. It is possible that even though our interactions are good or fun or enjoyable, there is a chance that he will remember them differently and negatively. But somewhere in there, the good still exists. He showed me that on Christmas. There seems to be a battle going on in his head. That's his battle, though.
Hmmm. Definitely not brief.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
I am glad you arrived safe in sound in Cali. Overall, from your posting, it sounds like it was a nice Christmas for you and your family.
As for your xh and his negative memories...he'll have them for a while and hopefully as he heals, the good memories will begin to rise to the top of his soul and memory once again. Yes, there is still a whole lot of good inside this man...he just has to have time and space to work through the mess.
Happy New Year!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
