My Journey with WAS (Part 7)

[Maika]

Thanks Slater!

Yeah, with the NC approach, if the LBS refuses offers consistently, then the messaging is pretty clear and those offers stop coming. With no OM right now, I can tolerate some cake eating, especially because it is for the benefit of the kids.

My previous approach, when I was in my confused phase and figuring out DB, was to reciprocate an invite to her for something after she's invited me 2-3 times. Also, doing it kinda low key and not in a needy way. Like I am doing this and you're welcome to join, but I am doing it anyway regardless of your decision.

What you said about the family unit is very true and can give a good indication of where her head is at. She just invited me for breakfast at her place on my D's bday coming up. It will be a short morning visit and I accepted it because D will love that.

I am still planning on doing something with the kids just myself and I will think about letting her know and giving her an invite.

There is really no way of knowing where you are in terms of possibility of a recon or her wanting to come back, and I think at this point I have realized it is useless to think that way. Walking this fine line with NC/Going Dark, and keeping the door slightly open for her without actually telling her that directly.

So, I am not worrying about if interactions are positive for recon or whatever. My approach is - will this be a good thing for the kids? If so, then I will do it and continue the non-pursuit and not getting into R talks, and being friendly without getting friendzoned. There is a lot of nuance here, but I think I am in a place where I get it and I can keep my emotions and expectations in check.

I just know now that if I can keep my anger and bitterness in check and use it for personal growth rather than being punitive to W, even if it's small things, then I will come out of this as a better person. I can also swallow my pride a little bit and do what's best for the kids. But, doing all of this with zero pressure and continuing to live my life as a single person.

[AnotherStander]

That's understandable. Just thinking about a new R and making it permanent looks like horror movie to me right now. I was just commenting on you finding contentment after the abyss. That's definitely something to aspire for.

Yes, absolutely! Not just contentment but real happiness! If I take off the rose-colored glasses, I can see I was not ecstatic in the M. I accepted my situation and would have stayed loyal to the end, but I wasn't super happy by any means. This whole reality check made me step back and question what happiness really is, and realize that I need to embrace it NOW, not keep expecting it to happen "some day" like I did before.

Yeah I am realizing that I need to strike a balance. I am pretty black and white with this stuff and upon reflection I think that the last month or so I have probably come across as cold and uncaring.

Good. We do have to take stock now and then of how we are treating others, try to see it from their point of view, and adjust accordingly. Not just in our romantic relationships, but with our kids, friends, work, etc.

I will have to channel my inner Benito and be that friendly neighbor without being overly enthusiastic and turning into Plan B. Plus I look much hotter now than a few months back with the weight loss and new haircut and getting my muscles more jacked up

Of course you do, and you no doubt have the swagger to go with it I was cleaning up some in the house last night and found an old picture of myself from about 15 years ago. WOW. I barely recognized myself. In fact I didn't at first. I showed my son and asked him if he knew who it was, he said "well that's our house, but... is that you?" I remember years ago there was a gym ad that said "are you 34 going on 43 or 43 going on 34"? I feel like I'm 56 going on 34

One of my personal trainer friends, and she is in effin' terrific shape and damn hot, told me something that I will never forget - Abs are made in the kitchen.

Very common phrase in bodybuilding circles, and 100% accurate. You can pack on some serious muscle, but if it's covered by a layer of fat then no one gives you a second look. But cut down to 12% bf or less and suddenly you're raking in the compliments. I cut from 20% down to 12% and the GF kept telling me I was "getting swole" when in fact I had lost a lot of weight. On hot days some of us take our shirts off at the gym and the younger guys were telling me "I want to look like you at your age, in fact I want to look like you now!" I'm not trying to boast, but rather just point out how accurate that is- abs, and really your whole appearance, are made in the kitchen. Pack the muscle on in the gym, then tweak the kitchen stuff to show it off. I could go on forever about this but just quickly I'll add I'm a huge proponent of counting macros. Especially when cutting because keeping the protein up is really tough and needs to be monitored, and the only way to cut without losing muscle.

[Maika]

Haha AS, yeah I could go on and on about diet and working out. Because I have Type 2 diabetes (thanks genes), I have done some serious research into how to get it under control and not just rely on pharmacological drugs to do the work. The reliance on drugs is scary because if you don't make lifestyle changes, then you keep punishing your body and have to get on stronger drugs and eventually insulin - something I really want to avoid. Btw, I am no doc so no one reading this should take my advice as gold. I am just telling from what's worked for me.

Anyways, so getting my blood sugars under control is strongly related to dietary changes and physical exercise. So, I know what you mean about counting macros. I am slowly transitioning to a low carb lifestyle (and has to be for life for me), and that has done wonders for my blood sugar and also losing weight. I don't count my macros religiously, but I know roughly how many grams of carbs I am eating, and I try to meet my protein macros daily, and then fat on top of that which I don't count but eat as long as I am full.

I know this really switched from what we post about here, but what you mentioned about body fat is on the dollar.

In other news, I have the kids for the rest of the week and it's awesome to have them back. Feels like eternity since I saw them. W sent me a very cheery email about kid stuff today, which came across as odd to me. Like everything is peachy between us lol. It was all kids stuff so I replied and got it sorted, but just taken aback by the niceness of it. Great mind reading fodder but I just let it roll off and went about my business today.

[Sotto]

Hi Maika, sounds like you are generally doing well - and kudos to you as your BD date was still relatively recent.

Just reading your post above and I remembered seeing a recent news article about some work done by Newcastle University (I'm in the UK.)

They had some significant success in helping people put type 2 diabetes into remission by going on low calorie diets for a period of time. I can't post a link - and I'm not any sort of expert, but just mentioning in case it may be of interest.

Well done on letting go of the impulse to mind read by the way - best to shrug and keep moving forward, so - good for you!

[Maika]

Thanks Sotto for dropping by!

Yeh you probably saw something regarding putting diabetes under good sugar control and management through a low-carb diet. That seems to be the outcome of many clinical trials (which are the gold standard in scientific research). I can say just from my personal experience that this is true and it has long term benefits.

I do have up and down days and slowly they are more in the up category than down, which is a huge improvement. I still find the decision to walk away baffling vs trying to work on the MR. But, at this point, there are just no good answers to that conundrum and I am better off DBing and living my life to the best of my ability.

The mind reading has pretty much dropped to zero now and I don't try to see any hidden messages in anything from W. I am also at a place where I seriously consider whether a new MR with W is possible unless she makes some changes to offer me a partnership that I want. I think getting back some control over my life and not being nostalgic about familiarity with W has helped me a lot. I have to give credit to this board for that. I don't know if I would've been in this place without the support, advice, and encouragement that I found here.

I do keep some hope tucked away that we can have a shot at recon as there are things about W I still love and would want to have that in my life. But whether or not recon can actually lead to piecing is a whole different ballgame, to which I have no answer to.

I am giving myself enough time and learning how to be super patient through all of this. And getting to a place where I am happy with myself. Once that is in place, all bets are off.

[Gordie]

Thanks for that great post Slater!

I am wondering if I should change my approach with her. Not with the aim of seeing if it leads to recon or anything, but just in generally to show her that I am a different person.

She predicted that I was going to remain angry with her and cut her out of my life - which is how I have survived in the past when close people have betrayed me. Unfortunately, that has happened and led me to built survival skills for emotional protection.

I don't get to see her often and I don't want to manufacture excuses where she sees me, but I think that if I can show her that I am not doing what she predicted, it might make her take a step back in her thinking. Also, I don't know how healthy it is for me to hold on to the anger and bitterness. I just need to find productive ways to let it go.

About not doing family events, I am completely with you on it. Even though it is about making the WAW feel loss of family time, as you mentioned in Chris's thread, it can come across as punitive in some ways. My kids bdays are coming up and we haven't discussed it yet. I am planning on doing something with them just with me, but I wonder if I should bring up doing something together. At this point, it would at least be for the sake of the kids and I know they would prefer that. I can swallow my pride and not wanting to do family time for their sakes and see how it goes.

I guess what I am asking you is if you would do some of these things differently now that you're 20 months out. Not saying if it would have changed anything in the sitch or made your W think differently, but if is the higher road to take here.

Part of me does want to punish her, no doubt. But, as you said, if I swallow some of my pride and anger, I wonder if it could lead to thawing of everything and allow her to see me in my new authentic self. This is all with zero expectations obviously.

This is such a minefield and in the case where there is no OM, I wonder if the LBS swallowing their pride first is the more prudent move to make.

Slater—have enjoyed your thoughts...when are you going to start your own thread???

[Maika]

I am feeling good today.

Nothing new with W, but I am feeling a lot more detached, calm, and at peace with myself.

Saw W this morning for a bit and it was totally fine from my end. I wasn't on edge. I wasn't dreading to have her around. I felt internally very relaxed and calm. Hugs and some light convo, but I am at a place where I didn't have a second take on if anything means anything.

I know there's a lot of posts with people struggling and in pain and hurt, and I have posted a lot of my own share of that no doubt.

Just wanted to come and post on good days as well because it does get better. Detachment is a wonderful place to hang out and have a few drinks. You will get better. Just hang in tight for a bit until the storm passes.

I am looking forward to 2018.

[Maika]

Still the same ol' same ol'. All is well in the world of Maika right now.

Going to meet up with W for one of my kids bday next week. She asked to spend time together and do something. I agreed and if it's a bit of cake-eating, so be it. It will be amazing for the kids and that's what I am focusing on.

Hope everyone can have a good break and take this time to just evaluate life, enjoy time with people you cherish in your life, and kick back.

I aim to start 2018 full force with everything and doubling down on all my goals.

Happy Holidays to everyone! Stay safe.

[Maika]

Nothing much changed in the sitch, but I wanted to do a final 2017 update and close the year.

Still NC/dark with W aside from kids stuff.

Got a reality check this week that W is still in her selfish mindset and things haven't really changed on her end. Her time with the kids is not optimal and unfortunately I can't do much about it. It isn't super neglectful but her choices are about her and not the kids.

She's keeping up with her new circle of friends and is dragging the kids to that when she has them. Recently she took them to someone's place and stuck them in front of the tv with video games while she did her socializing with her group of friends. This is a woman who was always dead set against having a gaming console in the house because she hated how it was all consuming and wanted to keep kids away from that.

Also, the other day was one of my kids bdays and she was supposed to take them in the evening because they were travelling out of town the next day. Made sense to have them over and get ready in the morning and go. Either she forgot or just didn't plain read the text I had sent about it. She had made some evening plans and was having people over and so said she wasn't going to be able to take the kids. Also told me in the afternoon of the same day.

Luckily, I didn't have anything planned for the evening and so I took the kids for the night. I know folks here will say that I should've just stuck to the original agreement and made her take them, but I will take all the extra time I can get with them. She has put them on the lower end of her priority list with her being on top, and I don't want the kids to be short changed by her poor choices. I want to be the stable lighthouse for them and I will always prioritize them first over anything.

This hasn't happened in the past so it's not like there is a precedent for her dumping them on me so that she can do her own thing. I didn't sign up to be a part-time parent and her choice for the S made that decision for me.

Moving forward though, I will ensure that the communications are more clear about the kids schedule and she doesn't get to do this again. I will not enable her selfish choices. However, I don't get to dictate what she does with them when she has them.

So, the selfishness continues full speed and all she is thinking is about herself and her life - kids are on the side and I am not even on the horizon.

It's all good though for me. I had a great chat with some of my close friends this week and one of them was like - if someone is asking for separation and divorce then they should have the balls to follow through with it. They know that I don't want a divorce right now but I explained to them that I was not in limbo and not waiting on her.

If her past behavior is any indication, I am certain that she won't file for D when the one year timeline elapses. The more time that has gone by, I am getting much more confident about life without her and not afraid of filing for D.

She is being a sub-par mother, is selfish, and thinks her life is going to be just great. Hasn't suffered much loss yet, but the D will definitely crack that illusion. I am losing my desire to be with her and I know that I can easily pick up the parenting slack from her end and be there for my kids fully.

So, we'll see what 2018 has in store. My main mantra right now is just gaining back all the control that I can have as a person for myself and my kids, and truly follow my dreams and create the happiness that I want.

Spending today just gearing up for the new year with a fresh outlook and perspective, and ready to embrace the path towards all my goals.

Thank you folks here for helping me regain my sanity and I will be around. Hope you all can end this year on a positive note and start afresh tomorrow.

[petri]

Maika. Reading your recap is pretty much like I'd written it myself. It's great to see that we can step up as dads, although we probably haven't sucked at it before. Stay strong and good luck for 2018!