25yearsMLC 10 Later I FILE D part 8

[leahsue]

Girlfriend,
I'm slowly coming back around, and it sounds like you are healing nicely.

You'd be surprised how often you cross my mind.

I mean, for someone I've never met. LOL.

Merry Christmas to you, dear friend. ((((( 25 ))))))

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks Leahsue

weird news from my L today. The bad parts are that h listed his Alaskan address before getting there, before I knew, so it should not amaze me but it makes me think even less of him.

And far more painfully, is that h has been taking schmoopie and her d on all sorts of trips (NOT spending a cent on our own children), including trips to his dad's ranch so that means my kids grandparents know SOME of this. They cannot believe h's lies so much that not seeing their ONLY grand daughters (real ones, I mean) makes sense with his narrative?

WHILE supposedly paying Schmoopie rent of $2300 for a place that absolutely does not justify it. Would love to see the lease terms. So yeah, more lies and lies under oath...

If he's living off the same pension I am, he's lying again. He was able to get a big personal loan but I can't, yet supposedly we have the same income.

How does HE get it -- oh wait, unless he's working...oh yeah. Or someone co-signed.

But what hurt the most of course is that he's taking someone else's child to see my kids grandparents, and fun sunny trips, and not even seeing our children.


OTOH

The Karma news is that

1) h had no idea "Shocked" to learn that if he works again (as if he ever stopped) I get part of it.

So he did not understand the meaning of the upcoming hearing. Like if he was found not to owe me spousal support because he "retired" but THEN BEGINS working, I get PART OF IT. How could he not know this? Thought he'd just borrow and fake retirement only to learn that I will go after money he earns or can earn, was a plan he must have come up with - without a lawyer of worth.


His L told mine that he (the L) was "dumbfounded" that H did not realize the whole point of this hearing on Ground Hog Day is that if h really CAN or really IS working at $$ amount of income, I get alimony for the next 5 years.

So his spending almost a year's worth of spousal support to avoid paying me for the 5 years anyhow, (which I believe is likely) when he planned to work again the whole time
is foolish.

If I "lose" and h is determined to be honestly retired, he CANNOT work again and not pay me...get it? He's cutting his nose off to spite his face. But did not know this! What???

how do I not blurt this [censored] out to my kids?

OKAY I know how, I know, it's about their having fun and feeling loved and it's NOT about another betrayal of his or how much pain their mom is in.

It's about my health, physically and emotionally and getting my life together etc


Finally, KARMA

I am embarrassed to admit I enjoyed hearing this from my lawyer, but it's a piece of KARMA

so h has been taking trips (far away from where any of his fan base might be) to a place that specializes in new ED treatments...

hmmm, it was only an occasional problem for us

My new bf M, while we are taking things slowly, let's just say I know enough to know M has no such problem yet.

MIND YOU **I don't begrudge guys running into this -it's a normal aging thing just as we women run into menopause and have to deal with it and have to get treated for it.
And there are treatments.


I get that! But to know it has happened to h within a year of him finding the 'Love of his life" without that history with me, yeah, it gave me a little bit of a lift.

Sorry universe, I wish I felt more compassion for him or indifference and I think I am getting there. I THINK I'm feeling like at least I won't miss the great sex I had with h b/c guess what? That's gone anyhow...and he went really far away for the treatment...

I'd never ever have made him do that.

Coupling the reality that the money he's spending on OTHER people and their kid, instead of our own family or just paying me, hurts like he11,

with the fact that he's having ED problems (and the fortune he's spending on that)

AND his not knowing that when/if he openly works he has to pay me money

all seemed to mesh into a weird BAD PLAN of his. but maybe a better plan for me...we countered today with a number that is reasonable BUT high and goes to his age of 67, so a number lower is how it'll work out. I said I would not take less than X while my brother was on the phone, with my L.


H's BAD plan - b/c he has done some bad bad things to me and to our children,

and I know the only way he can emerge from this fiasco of hurting the 4 people who loved him the most

a fiasco HE created,

and then emerge unscathed means he is be someone with a darkness in him that I want no part of. Really, the ego wants an awakening in him and my heart prays he restores some sort of R with the kids...

but this guy I'm reading about on the credit card bills and hearing about his behavior and seeing what he writes makes me think he's just nuts. No, I mean that. WTF?


So back to East Coast 25....New healed mama my kids do not have to worry about

gotta not care about h's own mess. What a selfish idiot who has deluded himself into lunacy.

Okay, I gotta calm down before my kids get here. Nothing to say to them about it, right?

I mean, I don't want to cover for him and maybe the kids have seen the photos of their family trips on FB

and are protecting ME!! Ugh.

I have to be more like that for them.

When I imagine them knowing all this (except the ED part) and protecting ME

then It helps me to STFU and not blurt out. Why would I? to get them to hate him more which is so harmful to them.

Yeah glad i'm writing this out...

And honestly, my guess is that h did not expect a lot of these consequences. Historically when h's plans fail or don't work out, he blames. I think his malignant entitlement was so deeply engrained and I was so blind to it, that whatever he wanted he grabbed for.

And then oops, people he "cared about" (I can't tell what he really feels so I won't guess but I THINK he loved/loves our kids)

are not part of his life anymore...

These days I assume he Just fumes and hates me, but I have no control over that. And I'm not sure who he blames for his ED problems, b/c we ML the morning he left...

FINALLY

So everyone - as the holidays approach let us recall that many D Days happen at this time,

so let's reach out in our thoughts & hearts to those who are getting their D Days this holiday (a lot do) b/c of OP's pressure for gifts or commitments, leave the wife/h, etc

and let's be grateful to know the valuable things we have learned from this ordeal.
And for leading authentic lives.

[25yearsmlc]

except for the catty part of the ED issue, which may NOT be an issue b /c maybe h is buying or investing in a new treatment for patients that will yield h money (which I'm all for) -


my snarky chuckling about him having a possible ED issue, is beneath me.

My L was howling and I went with it, but now I feel bad about it.

And like I said, at some point, ALL of us are going to have issues of some form, menopause or ED, or illness or whatever.

We need supportive spouses for these times. Loyal partners, which I was but which I lacked. And which I resented...

Then I think about the FB posts of h calling his schmoopie the "love of his life" just weeks after we sep and BEFORE I even knew he was dating...his leaving me sick, and taking all the savings we had (outside the retirement accounts - which btw ARE frozen now, so neither of us can borrow from them).

I think and can SEE in these disclosures, all the money he spent on her and HER Daughter - with nothing for our kids -OUR d20 got financial aid and works 2 jobs and my son got her that grant for her college. H sent her nothing.

OMG, I guess I have to turn this over, just let God handle h and get back on my new "East Coast 25" path. New choices for MY present and MY future

but I feel like crying again. Damn - how could he abandon our family twice?

H had a tendency to repeat the same mistakes as he did before, which is odd for an educated person,

or maybe it's all about self awareness and reflecting on our choices...and hiding from the remorse or shame we MIGHT feel if we really reflected

which = getting back on our own paths.

[Jim1234]

25, he will probably, in some way, twist the narrative so it is your fault. So what? Everyone else knows the truth, at least everyone that's important to you, including his parents.

Can't you subpoena the lease, and record of payment, and all the other financial documents you need? In particular, I would ask for the bank statement immediately before he drained the account, and make him explain to the judge where the money went, and why you aren't entitled to half those marital assets.

[Jim1234]

25, he will probably, in some way, twist the narrative so it is your fault. So what? Everyone else knows the truth, at least everyone that's important to you, including his parents.

Can't you subpoena the lease, and record of payment, and all the other financial documents you need? In particular, I would ask for the bank statement immediately before he drained the account, and make him explain to the judge where the money went, and why you aren't entitled to half those marital assets.

[25yearsmlc]

[quote=Jim1234]25, he will probably, in some way, twist the narrative so it is your fault. So what? Everyone else knows the truth, at least everyone that's important to you, including his parents.

I hear you & I thank you...but I miss and seem to have lost his parents...


His parents are unusual. MIL is wife #4 but is a widow so she entered with no baggage and wants to be married to her first h whom she dearly loved and had 5 kids with. It's known that FIL is NOT the "love of her life".

FIL is on wife #4 and the first 3 all left him. The 2nd one was a woman he really loved. He lost her and then did not change for #3, but when #4 came along he had hit rock bottom and, #4 was indeed different.

She was a widow for 3 years, and self made millionaire. She did not need FIL's money.

Yes SHE likes me but may well believe some long narrative h has spun about me b/c I have learned from mutual friends he complained a lot about me to his peeps. Some of them said "tell 25, but btw, so what? I mean, you think she could be neater? Hire a freaking housekeeper. You have the money!"

(Like "Collusion" where he wanted others to see how someday if he left, it'd be okay. He never ever told ME these things, which is cowardly and disloyal.

I was never told "the house was too messy" or that It was MY responsibility to clean it and mind you - this was also while I worked full time. And he's not a clean guy other than HIS closet...)
The FIL is obviously able to move from one to the other and NOT look back, often...

Better example of a strange double standard...h Told MY OWN brother I spent too much money in Alaska.

Now let me just argue ONE point as briefly as I can, to give you an example of what I now know must have been happening a LOT longer than I realized. And to whom? I'll never know...

H would complain (to me as well) about the phone bill (1997) but to be fair we had moved to Alaska FOR H and I was 8 months pregnant. I knew no one, had just moved from San Antonio where I had a wonderful support group and friends and weather I liked, and then moved to "Mars" and given birth, moved first to a basement apartment b/c housing was not available, and then we had to BUY a home up there in Fairbanks. Could we have changed our lives more for him? Nope and he said NOTHING grateful to any of us. It was a big sacrifice we tried to make exciting for the kids but I had a lot of fears. The kids did not love it but dang they made the best of it.

Okay so there we were with H spending weekends fishing/hunting and me with a baby - in the winters the temps go below -40'F (less that means colder than -40' but that's about the average temp for the cold times, with -25' about average. Newborns lungs cannot handle that so you keep them in or wrapped up A LOT and not outside, just from the garage/car to the next one. So you are housebound if you have a newborn.

And the kids age 8/11 tagging along with dad or helping me out. Great eh?

So I spent $400 on the first month of her life, and probably spent $3000 over the 3 years there. Email got better and helped. I joined things and did a LOT of fun GAL things that cost very little or were cheap. H and I both took flying lessons with had been on MY bucket list for years.

I'm not proud of that phone calling, okay? But I needed comfort and company and he left me lonely so much. And he was an MD and earning plenty of money,

but HERE is what gets me and what makes me think he's a narcissist of some sort.

One day HE brought home a snowmobile ($3500+) without any discussion with me.

I would have agreed to the purchase!! OMG, what fun! But I was left out of it. Totally.
Almost an act of contempt.

He bought it bragging and happy but without ANYONE'S input...

Then he brought home a boat! - also without my participation or any discussion. Seriously.

Then a trailer to carry the boat!

and the grand finale was an All Terrain Vehicle (for hunting in inaccessible areas)

that costs, God knows what ($8-15k?)

But the kicker of insanity?

The day before our anniversary he asked me for my opinion FOR an ATV AS AN ANNIVERSARY GIFT -- (??) for "us"??

I said "but H, we already have the snowmobile and boat, and the ATV isn't all that useful here (we lived near THE trail from the pipeline 50 yards from us, plus really only h would be able to use this "gift" much)

INSTEAD

---since my back had long been injured AND I had trouble with steps and hot tubs helped with back pain so much, AND because I feared the coming winters,

I said " a hot tub out here at night would be so great for all of us! We could be outside in the COLD but feel warm and see the northern lights!" (I know my kids and I and yes h, would all have enjoyed it.)

So the next day -our anniversary he brought home the ATV..and it hurt my feelings b/c it's not as if he even bothered to look for a hot tub, and he had a goofy (embarrassed?) look on his face and literally said nervously,

"Happy Anniversary??"

And we never got a hot tub.

Yeah, it was embarrassing b/c it symbolized how unimportant I was to him.

I doubt he even took in how the kids would have enjoyed a hot tub there. Extending the amount of time outside in the winter....My God he's been so selfish for so long and until we lived in Alaska it was apparent. That's where it first manifested.

I spent too much on phone bills there...YES I did,

but he really had lowered the expectations of himself so low or had SUCH a high entitlement sense, it never occurred to him that his double standards were insane. Or that I was lonely there and all day with a newborn baby and no way to meet people.

I wish I had said then and there, (but in a healthy way)

"WTF is wrong with you??"


Can't you subpoena the lease, and record of payment, and all the other financial documents you need?

First off, yes to the banks in CA, but the subpoenas in Alaska IF he's banking there and I bet he is, means hiring a lawyer up there to then issue subpoenas, and although that's doable, there are other things in the works that may make it semi irrelevant. But I have the bank statements from the banks we used at time of separation (unless of course he had others up there).

He's POSSIBLY getting closer to a buy out for alimony. That is an issue determined in one hearing based on HIS refusal to pay any. But he's made some offers recently.

In the debate for spousal support (in CA) the only issue is his earning capacity versus mine. I feel confident that we will win on THIS issue


At a separate hearing (more legal $$$) I can go for the money he took, half of which was mine AND which he grabbed while I was impaired (which I have proof of including our son's testimony).

And I will go for the money he retained from the Army backpay, and the other violations of the court orders and then, the LAST year of support he did not pay will be considered arrearages. But I THINK those come at a later date.

I know what the accounts of the local banks said the day before he drained it, and he owes me tens of thousands. But guess what? It's NOT a crime to take all the money out of a joint account, though it's "frowned upon" (& as a lawyer, I literally never heard someone say to go for more than half UNLESS you feared the other spouse was about to waste it all and then you "better keep good records of where you put it- don't spend it" so I thought it was the law)

but if a guy absconds with the life savings of a spouse (joint account), the other spouse has to go after that stolen money which takes money...and i personally am pursuing a change of legislatIon for that. I'll keep you posted. It's happening way more often than one thinks.

Your questions below - I am entitled to half the accounts (probably $80k in random savings accounts THAT I KNOW OF

and to half the Army backpay of $46k and half the retirement accounts which are now frozen, thank God.

He may have taken $100k out of that but I can find that out. God, I'd never have believed this 2 years ago. NEVER! Sure had seizures and got foggy at the worst of times...

So the answer is yes I'm entitled to it and then h will say "oops I paid taxes and um don't know the rest of it but I spent it so good luck finding it or getting it back....I took a lot of trips with Schmoopie and HER daughter...while our last child gets nothing - gosh I cried hard about that.

My wish is that one judge hears all of the testimony and not 3 different hearings with pieces missing. Then give me the cash h can give and ALL the retirement accounts and I'll keep the half of pensions (he threatens those as if he can take them away from me. But it's community property and we were married 35 years and ALL those years crossed over his service.)


But all good questions. H will come out ahead financially. H will earn more and has stolen and hidden more. This is simply true.

But he's lost a great family and the respect of dozens of friends who know us both. He's lost MY family, and as much as I miss his dad and step mom, he's lost more. My family is huge and smart and hilarious and soooo fun. H's family will soon have to be shmoopie's family and though she strikes MY sisters as white trash, I'm sure there are decent folks in it and h needs to feel a part of a family.

At some point, (2-3 years from now??) I would think he'd let some good memories resurface. But I don't know for sure. And since his narrative forces me to be the villain, and himself as the victim AND since his fan club up there supports that, all I can hope for is that my kids eventually have a relationship with him of some sort.

H will inherit and probably disinherit our kids so schmoopie can leave it all to HER schmoopie junior (no offense to her daughter but this is a very sore spot to me).

It made me cry hard to think of how he replaced me AND them...but I have to be in the Christmas 2018 25" mode in hours.

So for now, that's it. THANKS for checking in.


Thanks

[25yearsmlc]

PS

H wants the divorce to be "bifurcated" so we can separate the finances and marital status so he can be single.

So he can remarry i presume. Yeah it hurts. But it angers me and I also want ONE question answered.

What's in it for me? I get freer sooner but does it cost me? Why should l let go of the leverage?

Seems schmmopie OW will want even more of the money MY kids deserve and I deserve so why would I agree to this?

But I hate looking as if I'm holding onto h.

And the idea that he'd marry the woman he basically "landed on" when he arrived and knew I would not join him,

is so stupid and so cliched I shake my head.

Good luck with the character transplant b/c otherwise, no amount of money is with it

but I'm wrong aren't I?

H has A fib and OW sees the mansion of FIL and the ranch of MIL and thinks SHE will inherit a great life style.

some of that is true. But h lost a wife would have wiped his butt every day of his life if he stroked out, he lost a loyal woman who loved him, put up with a LOT of crap and forgave a ton of things

only to ignore all of that and still criticize and never really say THANK YOU FOR STICKING BY ME WHEN I WAS A JERK


yeah, sometime we are not rewarded the way we hope to be.

OTOH, the man he is now and perhaps always was for decades (he's been selfish for a LONG time, with some breaks & a few bones tossed my way)

and no, I would not marry HIM, again. Gotta remind myself of that.

Btw,

Do I tell my kids any of this^^? They probably know


Our oldest d texted this to me and it made me realize what a fool h is

"since none of us have much money this Christmas but all we really want is time together, maybe we should save our money and put it towards a way to make time together happen. Like a trip back to see mom or somewhere in between to see a new place..."


All we ever wanted was time together. H decided only money mattered and then he kept seeking it elsewhere (far from us, often) and then he resented the alienation he created by being gone so much, and the feeling he was being used for money. (As opposed to what, quality time and deep talks?)

That became his only function when he chose to use work as his ONLY activity, with a few intense expensive hobbies of his own, which we were sometimes welcome to join him in.

He created the problems that broke our family apart. I know I played a part but I swear to you I'm not sure where, exactly. Complacency for sure. Fear of leaving, undermined self esteem

started doubting myself and now at age 58, I'm starting in a new field b/c my law degree from Texas is getting me nowhere here in DC.


I've sent out 100 resumes and the only interviews I get are from people I KNOW from high school.

I just want enough to have a home my family & grandkids can visit, and take a trip now and then.

M and I are still seeing each other but trying to keep our pasts in the past.

Prayers for a good settlement are welcome people, maybe this calendar year!!

(I think the tax bill affects payor of alimony so h may be motivated...)

And if the bifurcation of the marital status and the money make no difference, which would surprise me, I won't object.

My guess is there's major pressure to "lock this down" to make sure it appears h was RIGHT to blow up our family.

SEE??? It wasn't HIM!! It was me/us/them/other states!

If he only knew how the babysitter we used to have, actually saw him, as she told her mom, "I used to like DrH but now I think he's a jerk. Why would he post those gross pictures of him with OW? No one normal does that, not even teenagers and if I saw my old 16 y/o boyfriend do that after we just broke up, I would hate him for it and so would all my friends...."

My 25 y/o niece said "it's just so weird".


H's bff said "way over the top, looked staged...not sure why. We're so sorry."


Again, not telling kids, right? What a lovely way for them to find out though, so brave of him to have said NOT A WORD TO ME SINCE SEPARATION....

after 35 years. POS

[25yearsmlc]

to be clear

the "time together" message was written by d28 to ME and her siblings - not H.

H is just "gone" for all practical purposes;. Dropped off the planet or arctic circle //

Maybe he will send money to the kids for Christmas, or text them "Merry Christmas" the day after Christmas, like last year...

I'm blessed with true friends and kids who love me. I am seeing a man so different from h (not as handsome I guess and I still have that stupid spark for h that I KNOW is not authentic love, or at least not healthy---I am working on it b/c it is NOT = "being in love")

but M is very kind and uber smart and puts in EFFORT into the r, and yes, the sparks are getting there...the trifecta

which, come to think of it - I could not get with h again anyhow.

[kml]

Why should l let go of the leverage?

THIS. I never understood why anyone would agree to bifurcation, because you do lose leverage to bring them to the table.

[kml]

How are you doing girl? Holidays with the kids ho ok?