Hi, I'm new, I found this forum this week, while not sleeping. I just want to share my life right now.
I found out six days ago that my wife was cheating. We have kids (3 & 5) and ever since we found out we were pregnant, neither of us have gone out without the other at night past 9. And even with each other it would be rare.
My wife suffered a miscarriage this summer and she blames me (I won't go into the details but i didn't offer the necessary support, out of ignorance not malice). Afterwards she got herself in shape, made herself incredibly hot and started to go out with friends. The first time was in mid November and I'm sure that is when she met this man.
Since then she has taken to driving out at night to him. I've worked out who he is from going through her emails. He's 10 years younger than us, single, and living in London (we live in the country outside). She is writing a "book" she calls it, with the names changed and she is chronicling everything in there.
I've confronted her and she is lying constantly. I've finally got her to admit that she drove out one night to meet a man and may have kissed him for a bit. But from things i've found in her search history I know she has been sleeping with him.
Her mother guilted her into saying she'd stop, but she was sobbing at the time (the only time she looked sad) and saying she'd give up her happiness for the children. With all the other lies I don't believe her.
I've decided to get out of her way and let her do this, as I can't stop her and I'm afraid if I try she'll leave the home and the children. I'm hoping it is the grief from the miscarriage and that if that can heal we can get past this.
Am I insane to get out of her way? Since I found out I haven't been able to eat, I'm thirsty all the time, and I've been only sleeping for 2 hours a night. I feel on the verge of a meltdown.
Me: 37, W: 40 D: 5 & S: 3
Me 37 Her 40 D 5 S 3 T 6 M <2 I discover PA: 2017-12-10 ILYBINILWY: 2017-12-11
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thank you. I have spoken to friends but no body who has gone through this. The idea that someone could cheat and not stop in shame when caught had never occurred to me. I will read the links now.
Me 37 Her 40 D 5 S 3 T 6 M <2 I discover PA: 2017-12-10 ILYBINILWY: 2017-12-11
Really sorry to hear what's happened. Your post reminded me of my immediate reality after first BD. I was so adrenaline fuelled I didn't sleep the first two days - complete fight or flight response.
You are absolutely right to let her get on with it. I did everything in my power in those early days to get between them. I didn't understand his allegiance had switched - he had lied so proficiently until then. What you said about your wife sobbing and saying she'd give up her happiness for the kids - my WH did exactly the same thing. He was red in the face with weeping when he went to first break off with OW and from what I gather they had some kind of romeo Juliet scene where I was the personification of the warring clans combined and they were young innocent pure true love.
Barf.
To stand in her way would be to give her and OM another reason to bond. It's no coincidence that the situation we find ourselves in arises from being in long term settled relationships with a high degree of domesticity. Complacency and routine have a great way of breaking rose tinted glasses. Getting out of her way will allow that to progress to this stage faster than if you fight it.
I, unfortunately, know a lot of people who've gone through this. Are going through this. There is no shame because the OM/OW is right and we have been judged to be wrong. The marriage is reduced to a legal obligation. Her comment about her happiness should give you the clearest indication of this. She doesn't want to live a life of obligation and duty anymore. I am going off slivers of insight I've managed to wrangle out of my WH.
Take heart. I am describing the situation as it is. Not as it always has to be.
Of the DB rules, I have moved in that direction. I have definitely broken 6 and 10 but since I got over the shock I have been giving space, I rejoined a gym, getting my hair expensively styled on Monday, and have been pleasant and polite around her.
I think all this is coming from the miscarriage. She never had counselling for that. Should I ask her to go on her own? Or should we do couple's counselling? I'm afraid that if she doesn't get help this destructive behaviour won't end in time. I can't keep loving her forever, if she keeps this up I know I will stop.
When I told her I wasn't going to tell her what to do, the only condition I placed was that she'd have to contribute to the finances of the house. I lost my job this time last year and am working in a startup for effectively no money. I feel like she is making a fool of me with this man, and I can't continue to pay for it.
I thought this was fair - I know she is grieving, I'm letting her do this because of that, but she needs to face some of the consequences of her actions. But she exploded at it. All she is focussing on is the financial demands I'm putting on her.
Me 37 Her 40 D 5 S 3 T 6 M <2 I discover PA: 2017-12-10 ILYBINILWY: 2017-12-11
Thank you 2016sux, it helps so much to hear my experience shared. The physical symptoms alone are crazy - you are right, fight or flight, but I know I'm going to crash soon. I have had less than 1000 calories a day and almost no sleep for six days now.
The fact that you never resolved things with him frightens me though - has anyone who has let this run its course had their marriage saved? I think it is my only hope but i just don't have much hope at all.
Me 37 Her 40 D 5 S 3 T 6 M <2 I discover PA: 2017-12-10 ILYBINILWY: 2017-12-11
The thread on the newcomer LBH with the WAW was like a bucket of cold water poured over me, Cadet.
I had thought she was having a MLC, and had even joked with her that she was like the cliche of a man. I did think her above reproach and never doubted her. She does think I'm the enemy, everything I do is taken out of context.
I am struggling to make sense of the advice though. It seems manipulative, rather than focussing on myself and getting on with being more attractive. I may be misunderstanding, but it doesn't seem to align with the DB rules.
Me 37 Her 40 D 5 S 3 T 6 M <2 I discover PA: 2017-12-10 ILYBINILWY: 2017-12-11
I'm awake late as I've just found out my H may (probably does) have OW. This isn't new to me so although I feel sick, I don't feel shocked.
Try to get some good hours sleep, eat when you feel able...force yourself when you don't feel hungry and take each hour of the day as a victory. Drink plenty of water if thats what you crave. It's so tough. Every part of you hurts, I know. Every part of you is screaming inside at how painful this is. You feel alone, but you're not. Come here and vent to people who understand.
I suffered a miscarriage of twins at 3 months many years ago. I felt my H wasn't there for me, he wasn't a great support emotionally. It did take its toll. I craved comfort. And I know it stayed with me, and I resented him for that. It wasn't the grief of the miscarriage that made us drift apart, it was how he handled it. But my H couldn't handle any kind of emotional encounter.
But grief affects people in different ways. I'm not saying she'll snap out of it once her grief subsides because nobody can say that.
Hang in there. Let her get on with it. She will lie, you can't do anything to change that. But you don't have to condone her behaviour or go on her rollercoaster either.
Take care of yourself.
Me 50 H 48 S 23 S 21 D 19 Together 31 years Married 25 years Separated April 2009 Reconciled 2010 Separated September 2017
If is ok to give her space. The truth is we learn how to detach with love on here. Detaching with love allows us the opportunity to give our S the space they need to figure out their true feelings and it also allows us to the time to get us selves back to a healthy emotional state. Right now you can consider youself emotionally sick. We have all been in your shoes. Not being able to eat or sleep. And just thinking about our S day in and day out. It will fade. The faster you start DBing the better off you will be. Also the better chance you give your Sitch and opportunity for a recon.
Read Sandi 37 rules. I had to read it an endless amount of times. I still read it and will probably for the rest of my life. Detaching, GALing, 180s and learning how to validate are life long lessons we learn. Remember this journey is a marathon and not a sprint. This journey also takes positivity and patience. Practice both. Read up on both, look at videos on both.
We are here if you need us.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
