What the time has given me is the ability to see that I really have no control over my situation
Well you don't have any control over HER situation, but I agree with Neffer, you have 100% control over YOUR situation. You can choose to stand, choose to let go, choose to follow her around like a puppy dog begging her to stay. But whichever it is, it's because you are choosing it, right or wrong. Just try to remember it in those terms. She's not in the driver's seat of your life, YOU are. A lot of people let go of the wheel and crash into a tree and blame their WAS. They fail to acknowledge the WAS got out of the car at the last stop light (and probably got in a sports car with OM, LOL!)
Quote:
in fact I’d go as far as to say NOBODY as any control over their situation
I am 100% in control of my life and my situation. I accept the good that comes of it as well as the bad. I don't always make the right choices, but I own them regardless. I am empowered. You'll get there too, and when you do it will be liberating for you.
What I mean by control of my situation (or those of us trying to RC our M) is the outcome of our R, WW and I. I'm learning that I can't do anything to influence her decisions regarding the A so am better able to let it go.
Since my last posts I feel mentally I'm in a better place and can work on my situation with less pressure to try and "win" her back! She needs to come back on her own accord or I face a possible second D-Day, this has helped me see my situation differently in a new light if you will!
It's all about the boys and me now and if she chooses to join us well I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Good to hear from you all.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Mark good to see you back lurking again. Apart from an emotional blip last week (it was approaching the "first anniversary" of the A as detailed in my thread) I think I feel "wise after the event" now after all this time. Can't say that the holidays will be easy but as long as I avoid the mental triggers I will be content with my W doing what she needs to do with the assumption that things will come to a head one way or another at some point (but will still dread that day). I am presuming that once again she is oblivious to my knowledge (only gut instinct now, no checking) so she is not seeing me as condoning anything (and hence a weakness). My new IC told me yesterday she thought I was being extremely brave. Hmmm...
best
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Sorry mate was just catching up with your situation.
Can you just post what you’re doing to manage your situation? After browsing your posts again my head spins! I don’t know for definite whether your W is wayward or not, with clarity you can then go on to better manage based on your findings.
I don’t tend to give advice any more as I don’t feel qualified enough so will just say stay the course, use the DR principles but in a way that works for you! If you have to have contact let her initiate then be civil with good boundaries (no R talks and definitely no mention of AP/LO). Get out and about, I find walking is great for depression and good for you to boot!!!
Key for me… Forget about your W if she’s wayward, let her A run its course and work on you. Try to slow everything down to a crawl and allow deterioration to take its toll on their R. Get out and enjoy the time you’ve been given its possibly the on time you’ll have for yourself for the rest of your life! Use it.
Be happy, confident and stay positive.
Mark.
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
Hi Mark thank you for the sage advice. Not sure about situation management but I'm still to a certain extent one day at a time. All the time she is in her job I assume it's still "on" (regarding that, when I confronted a few months back I suggested she left her job but then emphasised I would not force her). As 25MLC suggested in her comments about my MC sessions, my W's assertion that they were "trying to keep neutral" cuts no ice whatsoever.
see you
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
Mark by way of a PS, there is currently a discussion over on PEW1974's thread about "defining conversations". By that I mean the one where, for those sitchs where the W is still around, the WW/WAW finally takes ownership of the A, as opposed to merely being "sorry" and the pain caused to the LBH is fully described. This is all to clarify the cake eating, plan A/plan B, etc. scenarios with a view to preventing OM2,OM3...OMn in the future. All being well I intend to have mine over the Christmas period.
Me 55, W 50 D 8 M 20 T 27 MIL w/ us BD 01/02/17 workplace A (12/09/16, EA -> PA) OM senior manager, long term W, child 14 now: limbo (my choice)
"Don't care what you may do, we got that attitude!" - Bad Brains
What I mean by control of my situation (or those of us trying to RC our M) is the outcome of our R, WW and I. I'm learning that I can't do anything to influence her decisions regarding the A so am better able to let it go.
Since my last posts I feel mentally I'm in a better place and can work on my situation with less pressure to try and "win" her back! She needs to come back on her own accord or I face a possible second D-Day, this has helped me see my situation differently in a new light if you will!
It's all about the boys and me now and if she chooses to join us well I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.
Great, that all sound spot-on! Glad to hear you are doing well and on the right path
So great we're all not suffering too much at this time of year.
Unfortunately when WW came to pick my boys up to take them for xmas dinner at their grandparents I broke down emotionally in front of them all.
Not very attractive and took me by complete surprise! Thought I was getting stronger but nothing could be further from the truth, anyway let it go and move forward.
Tomorrow's another day.
Take care all.
Mark
DR'ing started March 2017
Don't blow the last bridge up from fantasy island, act "as if".
You think it's all buttoned down them oops it isn't.
And you are a dad, a great one.
I felt like you, not posting because I didn't seem to know much.
Think of yourself as giving opinions not advice and that will help. Plus others whose sitches have elements to them similar to your own can be reassured.
Sometimes even now when others just post, that's tough V, then it helps a great deal. Just to know that others have similar issues or are listening.
An Internet hug,or acknowledgement it's ok can be enough.
So keep posting, on a selfish level you will be repaid many times.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
