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Holding #2771343 12/14/17 01:17 AM
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Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Ah, I understand better now. It sounds like you're the one that wants the D and I get it, the same thing happened to me. At some point you want closure and to move on, and while it is "only a piece of paper" on the one hand, it can be closure as well if you are ready for that (which it sounds like you are).
AS
Believe me that I wish this wasn't happening but she wants out and I don't want to waste anymore energy trying to stop this. This doesn't mean I gave up DB'ing I just needed to move on and make my life better for my own sanity. If some day she realizes she made a big mistake and wants back in..... I'll cross that bridge if it ever comes. Right now I am looking forward to my new life without her.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
It is really, really tough on the kids, no question. But try not to assign blame, she is still their mom and they are very confused and upset right now. The last thing a kid wants to hear is one of their parents talking trash about the other (boy do I remember that hell all too well from when I was a kid). So try to support them, and if they start speaking negatively of their mom then try not to feed into it, but help remind them of her good characteristics. I know that is extremely tough to do feeling the way you do right now but it is the right thing for the kids.
For the first few months post BD and telling the kids I was doing this and didn't realize it until my s17 called me out. Since then I have been a model citizen, this is the hardest to do because of what she has done to me but I really don't care anymore, all this did was hold me back and keep me stuck. When we told the kids that was the only time I said anything regarding our situation, I told them that I didn't want the divorce and that was it, I have and never will tell them what their mom did but I have a feeling my boys already know. That is something W will need to deal with, I will not engage in those discussions.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
And what are we, chopped liver? grin Congrats, that's awesome news!!
LOL! No, none of you are chopped liver. That put a smile on my face when I read that! Thanks!

Originally Posted By: Holding
For the D, is everything settled and now you're just waiting for a final date for it to be official?
For the most part everything is settled outside of a couple bills and some small amount of debt(less than $5,000) I think the date is Jan 12. I learned(from my daughter) that she is moving out on the 22nd! Merry Christmas kids! argh!! I'll make it a great Christmas for them!


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2771452 12/15/17 03:40 AM
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Dusty, I like where you are at emotionally. I'm hoping to get there.

My STBX has me in limbo currently. I think he very much wants to move forward and there is nothing I can do about it. He did send me an incoherent email a couple of weeks ago that sounded like he was not happy about how he was living, but he does seem to want to be away from me. He is missing our boys a lot. I am glad of that. But again, actions speak louder than words. He says he misses the boys so much, but there have been numerous times when he could have been with them and chose not too. I am wondering if I should move ahead with D as I need to plan my future. I really am taking one day at a time at this point. All I can handle.


DB August 6, 2017 after 3 month separation
Me: 54
H: 58
Two Teenage sons
Living Separately from H
Married 19 years, together 22 years
Not sure if this is an MLC or WAS
MStarr #2771778 12/18/17 04:28 AM
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dusty70 Offline OP
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M,

Sorry for not responding in a timely fashion, I was out of town with my S17 for a tournament. Had a great time but missed my other two! I also had to go back through and re-read your posts this morning as the part of my state that I was in literly had zero cell service.

With that, you can't nor do you ever want to control what you spouse does, your H clearly wants some time and space and you are giving it to him, let him sit out there all by himself and think about what he wants as you do your GAL and be there for your boys! I can't tell you to file for D or not, in hindsight I probably should have as my W was and is in an affair that she won't stop or can't, not my concern at this point. But the reason I didn't file was I wanted my kids to know I never gave up, I wanted them to know I didn't want the divorce. I have been there for them always, my wife has checked out with them as well so I have become the constant calm that my kids need especially at this time of year.

Am I stuck in limbo? Currently I am but she will be moving out in 4 days, yes it's a couple days before Xmas but I feel this is the only thing holding me back from fully detaching. The only thing you can control right now is what you do! I'm sorry that any of us are in this situation, it [censored] but keep up what you're doing, it does get easier to deal with the day to day roller coaster ride from hell!


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2771796 12/18/17 06:22 AM
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Originally Posted By: dusty70

Believe me that I wish this wasn't happening but she wants out and I don't want to waste anymore energy trying to stop this. This doesn't mean I gave up DB'ing I just needed to move on and make my life better for my own sanity.


That's good, I think that's the place most of us get when we finally drop the rope. We're not saying the door is locked but we're saying we're not going to stand there with the door cracked open peeking out. We're closing the door and she has to knock if she wants back in.

Quote:
For the first few months post BD and telling the kids I was doing this and didn't realize it until my s17 called me out. Since then I have been a model citizen, this is the hardest to do because of what she has done to me but I really don't care anymore, all this did was hold me back and keep me stuck. When we told the kids that was the only time I said anything regarding our situation, I told them that I didn't want the divorce and that was it, I have and never will tell them what their mom did but I have a feeling my boys already know. That is something W will need to deal with, I will not engage in those discussions.


This is great stuff too. Perfect. And you are quite right, if the boys don't know now they will at some point and that's your W's mess to sort.

Great job Dusty, sounds like you are handling things really well! I mean I know it's still crap to go through, but your inner strength is really shining through and that's what's important.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Merry Christmas to everyone! I sure hope we can all get through this day as best as possible.

Yesterday for me was real emotional, much like Thanksgiving this year was the first time in 25 years my W and I did not spend together. She actually moved out of my house on Christmas Eve! It was very emotional for my kids as well. She did end up sleeping at my house(in my d11 room) and we all opened presents this morning, I made breakfast like I usually would and we sat down and ate together. Everything was just like normal like it has always been. I tried to act like everything was fine(fake to make it) to be that rock for my kids but man is it tough. I just need to get through the next couple days and I think I'll be fine! Good luck to everyone as we all carve a new path regardless of what we are all trying to accomplish in life!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays!!!
Dusty


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2773417 01/02/18 02:57 AM
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Happy New Year to everyone!

Well.... it's been a week since she moved out and as much as I was prepared and looking forward to that moment it feels like another BD! like the dagger just got pushed in a little deeper. I'm actually good with her not being around, it's not having my kids with me all the time, I miss them, I miss seeing them and talking to them as to how their day was, talking on the phone or texting just isn't the same. I know it's still very fresh and I will need time to just breath but this is really hard.

I think being back at work will help and getting back into my normal routine of my GAL activities, I did keep busy over the break doing a bunch of long over house chores as most of this stuff got put on hold since BD. I do have a bunch of house things planned that should get me through the next month or so. The second Divorce Care session starts up next week so I am really looking forward to that, I did find the first session to be real helpful for me along with my IC.

My marriage will be final in two weeks unless something changes, I hope I can find the strength to get through this! Need to be strong for my kids!


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2773500 01/02/18 08:16 AM
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You've got this Dusty! I remember those first few weeks after XW moved out, wow was it rough. When your whole life and identity has been as a dad and husband in a busy household and you suddenly find yourself alone in that same house it is a massive adjustment to make. I had never felt so lonely. But eventually you'll fill those empty hours with GAL and before you know it you'll be looking forward to that "you" time. It's perfect for finding "Dusty" again, or maybe since you were pretty young when you two got together, for finding Dusty for the first time!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: May 2017
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AS,

Thank you! I read all these posts from people on this site that have been through this and for some reason I feel like the odd ball, that I can't handle the situation. Knowing that you had the same struggle helps me in some strange way. And I do need to find who the real me is, I met my W when I was 21, she was 19 and married 5 years after we met, I'm getting there, I hit the gym 5/6 days a week now which keeps my mind clear(as could be) Really starting to understand who I am. Going to the gym now and then home to see my kids! Thanks as always.


Me 47 WW 44
T25 yrs M20
S18 S14 D12
Divorced 3/12/2018
dusty70 #2773611 01/03/18 04:13 AM
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Originally Posted By: dusty70
I read all these posts from people on this site that have been through this and for some reason I feel like the odd ball, that I can't handle the situation.


You are not the odd ball at all, what you are feeling is normal and it is normal to feel like you can't get through it too. I remember when I was going through the worst of it people were telling me things like "you'll get through this", "things will get better", "this is temporary" and it was just not helpful at all. I was hurting so freakin' bad and it just felt like it would never end. Your pain is VERY REAL! There is no dismissing it. There is no shortcut, you've got to feel the pain and deal with the loss. You've got to be patient with yourself. It hurts and it's miserable and it tears you apart. Just take life a day at a time, an hour at a time or a minute at a time, whatever you need to get through it. It gets better day by day and even though it's very hard for you to imagine right now, you'll emerge a better, stronger, more confident and independent Dusty. I mean you think those things about me, right? Believe me I have no superpowers, I was right where you are and felt just like what you are describing.

Quote:
Knowing that you had the same struggle helps me in some strange way. And I do need to find who the real me is, I met my W when I was 21, she was 19 and married 5 years after we met, I'm getting there, I hit the gym 5/6 days a week now which keeps my mind clear(as could be) Really starting to understand who I am. Going to the gym now and then home to see my kids! Thanks as always.


Great! Yes, that's exactly the way you get through it. Instead of lamenting the loss of your kids, look forward to seeing them the next time! And when you are alone then ask yourself what you can do that you can't when the kids are around. Fill the time with projects. If you don't have enough projects then pick up a new hobby like R/C planes or something. I am alone a LOT, but I am never lonely. The loneliness was horrible at first, but like I said before, you work on finding out who you are and learn to be happy with yourself and the loneliness slowly goes away and is replaced with a new sense of confidence.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
dusty70 #2773614 01/03/18 04:43 AM
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Quote:
Well.... it's been a week since she moved out and as much as I was prepared and looking forward to that moment it feels like another BD! like the dagger just got pushed in a little deeper. I'm actually good with her not being around, it's not having my kids with me all the time, I miss them, I miss seeing them and talking to them as to how their day was, talking on the phone or texting just isn't the same. I know it's still very fresh and I will need time to just breath but this is really hard.


Oh man! I totally feel you on this one. I have been physically separated for about five months, and in my own new place for three months. I didn't know how I was going to make it.

The first 2 months of physical S had its ups and downs. The major being that I was still in the marital home and she had moved on to a new place and was figuring her life out. I felt like I was stuck and the house was a constant reminder of the family life that had been lost. When I moved out of the marital home, that hit me really hard because now that loss was real. The home that I wanted to create for my kids with her was gone and there was no going back. We had bought this home about six months before BD and I had finally felt secure for myself and most importantly for the kids. But it all got blown up.

In the 2 months of S in the marital home, and not having any one in this house was just awful. Just like you, I didn't miss her, but I missed the kids terribly when they were not with me.

When I moved into my new place, I was a mess for a few weeks. I got it all the kids bedrooms set up so that they could have a good transition, but the rest of the house was just a mess. I was also super busy at work during that time and so I didn't have enough time to fix the place up - to make it my own. I had a lot of plans, but I just couldn't follow through because I was still experiencing a lot of loss and grief.

I didn't really start getting the place together until almost 2 months after moving in. Now it is at a place where I love it and it's my own space and it's reflective of that. It is also a home to my kids and I have made it reflective of that as well, that this is their house and it is full of their stuff - art on the wall, created space for their play time and set up their bedrooms nicer.

I don't think I will ever be okay with not seeing my children daily. I never signed up to be a part time parent, but I am put in a position where that is my reality. I have come to accept it, but I don't need to be okay with it. Acceptance of this reality has allowed me to understand where my choices are and how I can optimize the time with my kids and the time by myself.

When my kids are not around, I make sure that I am on top of my goals and priorities. I don't rush things and I take my time. For example, eating better is a huge priority for my health - so I give myself time to plan my meals, buy the food, and prepare what I want. I workout, go climbing, watch movies, read, and do other things. I am filling my life with stuff that is important to me. When my kids are around, I tweak some priorities because I want to spend all my time with them well, but I don't abandon them.

So, it's normal to feel alone and lonely and that the house is a dark cave. But the pain starts to chip away when you start thinking of your alone time as a productive space for you. I am at a place where the priorities for myself will always continue, and that I would keep up with them if W and I ever recon and live together again.

Also, what I have learned is that you don't need to trade your needs over other people. It's not that black and white. Right now, my priorities are myself and the kids - and they are on the same plane. If my kids priorities come into conflict with my needs, the kids needs trump mine in that moment. But, I have organized my life in such a way that this conflict never happens, and in fact I have incorporated my kids into some of my personal priorities so that there is more connection between us. What this has given me is this - you don't need to put your needs away and there is always a way to find balance. This is an important lesson that I will bring into my next R.

I totally empathize with where you are right now. Experience that pain to give you motivation and clarity about yourself. The process is more important than the outcome right now.

Sit with the pain and loss and grief to process and understand it. As soon as you see it move to despair - get up and do something.

I know this is long winded - but being in this space for a while now, I have learned some important skills and make use of the time wisely.


No one is coming to save you!

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