I have gotten so much help here so glad to give back in some way. You know what takes a lot of confidence? Knowing that you’re life isn’t over because of your situation. Knowing that you have value in and of yourself. Knowing that you can be a kick a dad, even if you wind up being a single parent. Brag to yourself. Brag to us! What makes you great? You seem like a humble guy, but tell us what makes you...awesome? Okay, if it’s too embarsssing to write here write it down for yourself.
Cali told me to be a list maker. Here’s an idea. Write the 10 things you most admire in other men. Rate yourself against that list. Pat yourself on the back for where you rank highly. Work on the things you rank lowly. Re rate yourself on once a month or once a quarter. Celebrate your successes. Become the person you want to be.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I've been lurking since my last post. Sometimes I'm not sure how I feel so not sure what to write. With it being holiday time, it has been tough for me emotionally so I thought I would journal a little.
First, thank you for your last post, Gordie. I am trying to get back to the me that I like being and your advice has helped. Right now I am finding it particularly difficult to remain happy due to the circumstances at home...which is so confusing because they aren't bad, per se.
During the holidays, W's family comes to town from California and stays with us a lot. Because of that, in the build up to Christmas/new years, we are surrounded by family and friends...even at home. I was not prepared for that to be hard on me. I think it is because when there are people around, W acts normal. She isn't 100% normal towards me, but more so than previously. It is hard for me to see her act so normal when I know the second everyone leaves she will go back to being cold and distant. I want to laugh and have fun and joke around with everyone like everything is normal (like she is doing), but it is hard to ACT happy for a length of time. I'm trying anyways, and a little happy sneaks in here and there, but it is short lived. I almost find it easier for her being cold and distant because then I am able to see things more clearly for what they are. I know she isn't feeling normal. She spent the last year treating us like crap...you can't just go back to normal after that. She does say she wants things to work out, but any time we have a conv about things I get to see how messed up her thinking is, despite her saying she wants it to work out.
Then there is my birthday to consider. I turn 40 tomorrow. My W was going to plan me a party, but it never really happened and my family has been calling wanting to know what was going on because they hadn't heard from W about the plans (she had been talking to them about it). So, I took over and planned a small dinner with my family. It just feels so awkward to take the planning of my 40th bday from her to schedule myself. Might have been different if I had been planning it from the start, but apparently she was going to plan a big surprise party for me. Not sure why I thought she might be capable of that...guess I got sucked in to her acting normal for a bit and thought she could do it. It seems that she is now planning a "big" party for me several weeks from now...which I don't understand. My bday is on the first day of a 3 day weekend for a change and family is still in town. 2 weeks from now will not be a 3 day weekend, will not be my bday, and family will be back out of town.
Again, think its just hard right now because in person she is acting normal, but its just too hard for me not to see all that is wrong still...despite the appearance of normalcy. I think another thing that is getting to me is how I know family must be perceiving her. Although they know she was going through something previously (moved out, EA, depression, etc), right now she is functioning normally around them. They most likely think things are better. I imagine that I am the one that seems depressed...or at very least not my normal jovial self.
No, she's not fully baked yet and still has difficulty planning things. Yes, they talk about what they are going to do and, yet, can't follow through. She's still depressed and her actions indicate it.
As for family...your w is wearing a mask and it takes a lot of energy to wear masks around others for any length of time.
I say...have fun and enjoy your birthday dinner.
BTW, I suggest that you not initiate any conversations about things, i.e., relationship, etc. for a while. She's not capable of listening and moving forward and working on things just yet. Just leave her be in the MLC oven a while longer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I had a long respond that got lost. Short version:
It’s okay not to know how you feel or feel contradictory things or change your mind on things. It’s all normal given your circumstances. Feel everything and process it and express it—let it out.
Happy Birthday! Yours was a tricky situation but have no expectations of your w. If she acts normal. Ok. If she is cold. Ok. If she doesn’t show up. Ok. You get the point. Just take care of you and let her do her own thing.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Try not to worry about what she has or hasn't done for you. But do make some nice plans for yourself and treat yourself to something nice for your milestone birthday. Allow family and friends to spoil you a little too.
Happy New Year to you
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Thank you for the birthday wishes. My birthday actually went well so I stayed off the boards to try and soak it in.
Job, I think you are right about not initiating any R talks right now. I've been avoiding them anyways, but one still manages to slip in every 2 to 3 weeks. It is getting easier though because I kind of feel like my "vision" is clearing a little. I am starting to view her as she is, a person suffering from MLC. I am starting to see the things she does as behavior from MLC instead of what she is doing against me. Seeing it that way makes it easier not to force talks. I only forced them before because I needed them. Not needing them as much is key. I also understand what you mean about wearing masks. I feel like she wore a mask for about 2 weeks straight around her family. That must have been exhausting. Glad I don't have to do that.
Gordie, I appreciate that. I feel like I change my mind constantly as to what I think I want out of this. Just trying to keep what rings true and discard everything else. Birthday went well, I'll summarize below.
Sotto, thanks for the advice. I tried not to have expectations of W, but she was planning the party...at very least I expected that she would continue to do that. After I took over things seemed to work out. After taking over I lowered myself to 0 expectations.
On my birthday I woke up to W initiating intimacy. She has not initiated anything in quite some time, and it was my bday...so I just enjoyed the moment. Then, we had a nice morning with the family and she treated me normally, like it used to be. We all went and saw a movie together and then went to her brothers house to hang out with some family that was still in town before going to my dinner. That went well and then we went to dinner. Dinner was fun and W interacted well with everyone and we had a good time. Then we went back to my sisters and hung out until we all got tired and went home. It was a nice and normal day which I really needed. I tried not to have any expectations regarding the day OR that it would carry over to the next. I just wanted to enjoy THAT day...and I did.
The next day W's family left to travel back home and it was New Years eve. We went to a friends house to have game night with them through the new year (have done this several years in a row). It was fun, but I felt like I could see W's mood slipping again. I fully expected it so it didn't really bother me. She got sick over night (probably from the crappy food and drink we had) so the next day she was pretty quiet. It could have been from getting sick OR depression creeping back in (or both). She was not too cold and distant, but down from how she was the previous week.
I know I shouldn't have too many expectations, but right now I expect that when I get home today she will be more quiet and distant. Maybe not, but it helps to foresee that cycle so that I can distance myself. How she is right now is pretty difficult to judge how to be with her. Just trying to take it all in stride for now and feel it out.
Happy New Years to you guys!! I am so glad I found you and for the support you have given me!!
I have a question I've been wondering about, or more or less wanted to get input from you guys.
Initially at BD, W claimed that we had grown apart and didn't do enough stuff together. I didn't take her out enough. I fully recognize that, even if true, is no reason to behave the way she did and has been. I feel like we had a good relationship but just got caught up in every day life that we let our closeness slip a little. So, there is a kernel of truth to it, but she is grasping at straws, in my opinion. Even still, early on (before I understood MLC behavior) I tried to address the issues. I tried asking her on more dates, buying her flowers, telling her I loved her, etc. I did a lot of that before, but maybe not as much as she needed. Since then I have all but stopped that kind of stuff based on what I have read here and on other sites about dealing with MLC. I see the wisdom in it. Now we operate more like roomates. If I don't push, we get along ok.
When we occasionally have R talks (haven't had one in a few weeks) and I express my desire for us to be closer and not to want to live in a loveless marriage, she brings up that I don't ever ask her to do anything. I express that is because when I have asked her to do things, she never seems to want to and is just cold and distant while we are out. I tell her that I would love to go do something with her, but she doesn't act like she wants to do anything with me so why would I ask her out on a date. That dates are for people who want to be together and enjoy time with each other. She doesn't really reply to that.
So my question is, should I actually be asking her out on dates or is she just MLC'ing on me? She was in an EA, but that ended about 6 months ago. She had moved out for 2 months, but moved home about 6 months ago. She is still going through issues, but her behavior now is mainly just being cold/distant. She also stays out of the house a lot, but she spends that time shopping and playing sports. She is more or less nice when we talk, but she is still up and down with depression. I THINK I still just need to wait and let things play out and do my own thing, but I also don't want to NOT ask her out if I should be in order to work on things. I mean, based on her complaints, me asking her out would be a 180...but only if that was a legit issue. I suspect that although there may be SOME truth to it, it is more grasping at straws to justify behavior and that I need to continue on as is.
Best advice is just to mirror her behavior. If she asks you out and you want to go, accept (but not always). If she asks you out a few times in a row, try asking her out once. Keep in mind that anything and everything is pressure to these people and what they seem to want is not often what they can handle.
This is tricky and it sure I have great advice for you. Some reflections on your situation:
Back at your first post and the kiss with the coworker, EA and maybe more but you don’t know. Separation and then return to home. She is generally nice to you and you guys still have sex some times but things are not back to normal. I feel this is where I was about a year ago.
You say this is not the M you want. She says you don’t ask her out on dates. What does your IC or MC or DB coach say? You say you have prettty frequent R talks. Has she said what she wants: M or D or is it uncertain?
D b philosophy is to do what works and stop doing what doesn’t. Does distancing draw her closer to you? Does asking her out on dates do so?
Don’t initiate a R talk but figure out what you would say when it comes up again so you can be unemotional and succinct. What do you want? What is in your control? What would need to happen to get there? What would she have to do? Have you ever fully dealt with the infidelity or was it swept under the rug?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
