Not much to update for me after being served divorce papers. I have been GALing so much, I'm actually exhausted. I have, however, stalled on giving the filing to my L. I will be forcing myself to do that today. I have a question that I'm hoping to get some opinions on.
When I met with my L and we did the financial portion, we discussed the house and $ we used for down payment. H had asked FIL for $50K to add to our down. My L told me that I was not entitled to that money because it was a gift to H and I have a gift letter that even though I signed, my name wasn't specifically on it as the recipient. My L said in the response we will acknowledge I am not eligible for this $. This will show we just want to get to an agreed settlement and aren't playing games. At the time, I agreed. However, I am now second-guessing that strategy. After seeing the pathetic attempt at his filing, a few things jumped out at me. One is that once again, I'm going to have to do the heavy lifting for this D and I have no interest. Two, why make this concession of the $50k so soon? Why not wait for him to acknowledge it? I won't fight it, but shouldn't he be doing his due diligence and making his own L aware of what is/isn't his? I also believe from his filing, he is picking and choosing what he reveals in terms of assets and debts. Any bargaining chip I can use, should be kept as long as possible. I know if he gets his hands on that $, it will only go into OWs pockets. I would honestly rather give it back to FIL, if that's the case and because it was for a house we only had a 2 1/2 months pre-BD.
Am I being petty, unethical? Would appreciate any and all thoughts.
Last edited by job; 12/14/1709:37 AM. Reason: added link to previous thread
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
LAJar, I haven't commented to you before, but I did read your post. My .02 is that you should let him present that piece of info regarding the gift. This is his D. Let him do the work for whats his if he wants it. You've been doing all the heavy lifting all this time for what you want and haven't gotten it (speaking in terms of the M), let him work for it. IMHO, it might be petty if you knew he was entitled to it but fought for it anyways. I think that if he is pushing for D and doesn't ask for whats his, that's on him. Just my .02.
I agree w/sjohns6...if he wants a divorce, then let him do the heavy lifting on things. As for being petty, no, I don't think so at all.
Praying that all goes well for you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
When I was going through w/the divorce that my xh wanted, my lawyer advised me that anything that was gifted to him, was his to keep and anything that was gifted to me was mine to keep. If I were you, I'd be seeking some advice from another lawyer as each state may have different laws concerning such things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
sjohns6, Thanks for stopping by and giving your thoughts. I agree with both you and job that I need/want him to do the heavy lifting. I want him to present just as much information as I am and put as much effort into that part as he's put into the idea that he wants a D. I highly doubt he will though and will do most of the work only to protect myself.
peace and job, I definitely know that in my state, the gift is his. My point isn't that I would even contest that, but why am I conceding it without him staking his claim? I would rather wait to see how he responds to my response and go from there. What if he never even tells his L that it was a gift? He's an adult, he should be able to bring forth all of his documentation to protect himself. Why am I doing that for him? Even before I knew I wasn't eligible, I thought about giving my share back to FIL. It wasn't really a gift of his own doing. He only gave it to us because H asked for it. He never would have given it to us otherwise.
I am only at this point again, because I really think I'm going to walk away with the short end of the stick. His cut from our house will be more. I will only recoup the money I've put into the home, if the value of the home has increased. He will fight me tooth and nail for his pension, so I am just trying to gather a strategy, in case I need it. In the meantime, our mortgage was due today. SIL told me he asked FIL for more money to pay it, which he did not. I ended up paying and I just see more of my savings dwindling, while he is probably using that $ on gifts for OW. It's disgusting.
It's upsetting me now, but I am trying my best to get through and I know tomorrow is another day. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers - helpful more than you know.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
You should only be focusing on your documentation. Again, if he wants the divorce, then he needs to prepare his documentation and present it in the proper format. I think you are very wise in waiting to see how he responds to what you present and go from there. Don't be surprised if he comes up w/stuff that can be seen as petty and finds excuses to drag this out.
Like most of them, he will not: 1) do the hard work of presenting his information; or 2) it won't be a thorough job. They think a divorce can be done w/the snap of the fingers and do not realize the amount of time and work that goes into separating everything. I hope that I am wrong and he'll be ready to present his data so that you know where he stands and what you will need to do.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It's hard to know why your lawyer would suggest putting that out there upfront without knowing how the other side is going to be about things that are clearly yours. I have been involved in many negotiations where one side is eminently reasonable and the other side digs in their heels and fights everything.
If money is an issue and the other attorney has a reputation for being reasonable, etc. I could see situations where it might be beneficial.
Why not cut to the chase and just ask your lawyer why the suggestion was made.
Gift letters are common and are used for the benefit of mortgage companies to ensure that the borrow doesn't also have to pay back a portion of the downpayment, which could affect the debt-to-income ratio. I would not be surprised if people challenge them on that basis. Of course I'm sure the other side could get affidavits, declarations, etc. to the extent of the gift.
You should be getting back anything the community (assuming a community property state) contributed to the value of the house. Downpayment monies, mortgage payments, increase in value, etc.
Also, depending on how much the house is worth, I'd be wary of agreeing to anything that gives the FIL the first $50k. What if the house is decreased in value. Why should that "gift" flow entirely to your H.
Please discuss this stuff with your lawyer so you understand the rationale.
This is such an important thing, you really need to make sure that you understand things as you go along and are as good with them as you can be.
I do think he will try to rush it (at least now), just to spite me. He thinks I'm dragging my heels. Telling people I was hiding out from being served. Seemed like he was able to find me now, why not a few months ago? Plain and simple, effort. As you said, he will not do the hard work on his end. In our marriage, he never did and if I have stepped in, I'm controlling. Well, I will definitely be relinquishing my "control" this time. Thanks for the support!
Own, I know why my L suggested putting that out there up front. She said it would show them we're not playing games. I get it because I'm not entitled to the gift and I agreed initially, but then I saw his lazy filing and how he's taken things from the house that belonged to both of us and now considers only his. He will be all about the games, but he will call it - what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours. He doesn't seem to understand the concept of community property. He thinks anything I receive is out of the kindness of his heart.
You make a good point about the gift being the first thing that's paid off. I thought that's what my L said, but I need to clarify that as well. I'm fairly certain our house has increased in value because we did some improvements, but I just don't know how much. It was a concern that all would be paid out and my investment into our renovations would be last on the list. Seems as though that's negotiable.
I will be speaking with my L tomorrow and hope to she's in agreement and it's not something I have to convince her. Thanks for the advice. I really appreciate it.
M:43 H:44 M:10 T:14 S:26 BD:7/21/17 H files for D:7/31/17 (haven't been served) PA:8/30/17
