Hey everyone. Trying to wrap my head around the latest chain of events. I got the confirmation that I needed to flip that mental switch. You know, the switch that gets flipped and makes you WANT the D.
I decided that I needed to locate my important documents and sentimental items. WW was out of the house at a party. I found a lot of my items in a set of drawers in "her" side of MBR. Went to bed.
When she got home she noticed that I had been in the drawers. She started talking about me violating her trust and her personal space. She said that I'm trapping her and playing mind games. I explained to her that I was getting my sentimental items, which I did. Her perspective is that I violated her personal space.
Now I know there is an admitted EA and they are going on dates. She denies a full blown PA. I'd rate that at likely true, maybe a 65% chance of being true. She said now I'm pushing her into going through with it all the way. Whatever.
She lost her temper and asked me if it would make me move out faster if she brought her man into our house for PA-related activities, if you know what I mean. I said that she can do that anywhere and I don't care what she does. I ended the argument by leaving.
Now, that was a pretty low blow but it didn't affect me. I'm at that point.
She did call me today. She apologized for the vile statement she made, but went into more accusations regarding D details and accusing me of wanting to fight her for the house. I told her that she was accusing me of things that are untrue, said goodbye, and hung up.
So. Yeah, I violated some of Sandi's rules. I engaged in a discussions that devolved into arguments, but I cut them off as soon as I realized it was confrontational. I apologized for the perceived slight and tried to validate her feelings, but I did not ask for forgiveness or anything like that.
What did I mess up the most? Because I know I made a lot of mistakes here.
Please be brutally honest. Thanks.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
I don't know what you messed up, if anything. But, I'd recommend that you protect your financial assets and proceed toward firmly suggesting that your wife move on to the greener pastures that she's apparently found. Then, really start enjoying your life and bask in an existence that's devoid of angst and recrimination. (In the vernacular, kick her @ss out and get a life.)
Thanks doodler. In the original thread I explained that I have been GAL as much as possible (sports, working out, running, dieting, improving appearance, etc). I know she has taken notice of the GAL activities. Other women have too, which is a nice ego boost. I'd never have an A like my WW is, but it's good knowing that my greener pastures are actually green while WW is having an EA with a jerk who is actually also bonkers.
Do I want R? Of course I do, the kids and I deserve it. Am I moving forward with D? Of course I am, I don't deserve this and was never given an honest chance by my WW to rectify some of the issues that led us here. But the past is the past and I can't change it.
Oh well, lol.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Oh, and I cannot legally kick her out of the marital home. She knows this, I know this, and it's unfair to the kids. We are getting a D while under the same roof. I have MBR, and it really irks her.
I have suggested that if she feels backed into a corner like she says then she really needs to leave. She says she is finacially unable to and accuses me of trapping her with money due to the mortgage. She has a full time job and makes good money. She won't leave and I won't leave. I'm definitely not, I didn't want this divorce.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
What if your situation was reversed? What if you asked your wife if she would move out sooner if you brought your girlfriend home and fornicated in the house? What kind of response would you expect from her?
That's a good point. When I mean I flipped the switch, I mean I had grown more or less numb to her and the situation. I do love her but you're right. I can't keep doing this.
The truth is, she has changed into a different person now and I don't know if the old wife can ever recover.
Save yourself. Nobody is coming! BD:11/2017 Filed:12/2017 Final: 2/2018
Your emotions are going to be all over the place. You are not going to become numb to this in a few days. It will most likely be at least a year before this unfolds.
Joe, I don't think you did anything wrong either. I suppose you could have asked for your personal items rather than going through "her" side of the room yourself (is there a stripe painted on the floor or something? LOL), but in the grand scheme of things that's a pretty minor deal. Sounds like she's looking for reasons to pick a fight.
Originally Posted By: Joe2017
She lost her temper and asked me if it would make me move out faster if she brought her man into our house for PA-related activities, if you know what I mean. I said that she can do that anywhere and I don't care what she does. I ended the argument by leaving.
WELL DONE!!!! That was a nasty, ugly thing for her to say and your reaction was just what it needed to be.
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Now, that was a pretty low blow but it didn't affect me. I'm at that point.
Welcome to dropping the rope. That's how you know when you have- when she does something outrageous and you just don't care. It doesn't make you happy or sad or anything, it just doesn't impact you.
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She did call me today. She apologized for the vile statement she made, but went into more accusations regarding D details and accusing me of wanting to fight her for the house. I told her that she was accusing me of things that are untrue, said goodbye, and hung up.
Perfect!
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Please be brutally honest. Thanks.
All right well prepare yourself for the brutally honest truth- you did great.
I notice the LBH's language uses the word "support" a lot. Usually it is the form of them not wanting the WW to think he is not supporting her. The other word that follows, is caring. Many H's have said they don't know where to draw the line.
Actions the WW willfully chooses that are morally, legally, ethically, or spiritually wrong and\or harmful......he should not be so worried about showing her support and care.....or rush in to validate her feelings. His primary concern should be to exhibit his own personal values and inner strength.....(but Not with a tone of self righteousness). His children need to see what a strong, calm, stable man does when faced with these type of situations. First, he does nothing to compromise his integrity, belief system, personal & family values, etc......in order to appease his WW or to cling to the remnants of a sham M. His W can respect him, or she can leave. That's where he draws the line.
If the WW suffers consequences as a result of her willfully making wrong & harmful decisions for her selfish reasons, then he should NOT show her emotional support. He should NOT try to rescue or comfort her.
If she has a pity party, he should leave her alone. It is not the time to show he cares. People learn from consequences, and if he steps in to soothe her discomfort, he could interrupt a valuable lesson being taught to her. (Hopefully, some of the consequences are coming b\c he would not tolerate her actions.
If there is an emergency, accident, tragedy, or sickness (assuming it has no relation with OM\A, then the H can show he cares and show support by being at the hospital, or getting W her meds, cooking soup, etc., b\c this is probably not a result of her affair.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
