Agree with Sotto...stop watching and thinking about what he is doing...be your own source of joy...with no regard to what he is or isn’t doing. Not easy to do, but better for you.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Sotto, you are right - I ruminate too much. It takes time to cut back on that and I'm trying. Your comments are appreciated and I will try to take to heart.
Andrew P - interesting links! Hope that's not what's going on but possibly.
Well...I do believe I have had a lightbulb moment. Hopefully it turns into a big breakthrough for me.
I've been doing my best to GAL and it does seem to be helping. Today is busy. Up early, off to Weight Watchers (I'm a lifetime member), then off to the gym, then some errands, then home for lunch. Time to look after a few items on my desk. Then I will need a quick nap so I have staying power for tonight (going out). Also found a dance group I am interested in joining that takes place every Friday night.
Tonight going to meet a friend for a drink and a very amateurish game of pool at a pub. Then we have tickets for a live Comedy Show with some other friends. The comedian is supposed to be excellent and I need to laugh so this is good!
It's a full day and helps me keep my mind off my woes.
The breakthrough or lightbulb moment came this morning when for some reason all that I've read and all the advice I've been given over the last 5 months, suddenly 'gelled'. Specifically, leave him entirely alone to find his own way, while I do the same. It suddenly makes perfect sense to me why this is what we should all do when hit by their crisis.
Being busy lately and not sitting at home pining has made me feel very good! The gym is an amazing diversion and a healthy one at that. I need to move more and get regular exercise. Then booking to join the dance class felt amazing too. It's something I know I will enjoy but never would have signed up for if I wasn't separated.
I am suddenly realizing I can have a fun and fulfilling life without my H. I don't need him for that, in fact when I look back on our marriage even before MLC, I really didn't pursue many interests just for myself.
So this is quite the progress for me. Coupled with another realization. If H suddenly decided his MLC was done, (even if it was legitimately over), I am not ready to resume anything with him. I am enjoying my new found freedom to explore what I want in this life and he would just be in my way.
I'm patting myself on the back right now for finally making some progress. Feeling pretty good about my future. I know I will be fine without him.
Another question I am curious about! I've read everywhere that MLC takes 2 - 7 years on average to complete. Until then, reconciliation isn't possible.
On many posts I read, maybe most of them, the info at the bottom shows a Divorce well before the crisis is likely over. So does the LBS typically initiate the D or the MLCer?
Seems to me that a lot of marriages are ending prematurely but perhaps not. Standing isn't for everyone, and maybe a D is the best way to move on and find your own life.
I have to admit this thought crossing my mind a lot. My H, so far doesn't want a D but maybe I do? Why stay married to a man that clearly doesnt want me ,,, it's a question I ask myself a lot.
Re your question who files? Seems like it depends. I told my stbx I wouldn’t file and she took 9 months to do it and is dragging things out further. Issue is she is now in a PA and playing family when she wants and when I started pushing the D forward then she wanted to slow the process down.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Gal pal, I'm so pleased to read your post above! Good for you with the activities. They truly help a great deal as you are finding. Starting to dance has been one of the best things I have done for myself during this process. I also sing, and have made many new friends. And actually, there is much more dancing, singing and laughter in my life now than there was when I was married..
As for the filing, well it varies so much. In my case, XH was pretty desperate to dash out of the M and start a new life/family with OW. He filed, knowing that wasn't what I wanted. In the UK, you need to wait for 2 years for a no fault D and I asked him to do that. He didn't agree and decided to file on the grounds of my unreasonable behaviour.. However, he also told me he loved me, I was beautiful and had been the best W, but he just knew he needed to start a new family again.
So, how things unfold will very much vary, but what is typical is the MLCers compulsion to do something significant to make themselves feel better. Because they are feeling like they may fall into a dark pit and that looks like a scary place. I read once that until you can reconcile and accept your shadow self, the crisis doesn't pass - and I think that's what needs to happen.
But, the more we can focus on our own growth, and moving forward the better. I don't think we can lose either way if we do that and allow them the dignity to take their own journey and work through their own struggles.
Take care and good luck with your activities! Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
The average for the crisis is 2-7 years...but it takes a several years (18-24 months) lead up time to the bomb drop and another 18-24 months after the crisis is over for them to actually settle down. The time line you are quoting is just a guideline. Some end earlier and others end within that time line and then there are others that could takes, if ever to end.
As I have stated to others, some of these crisis people are in such a hurry to end the marriages that they file and it only takes one to do so. In other cases, the LBS files to protect the assets so that the MLC doesn't go out there, have an accident and the family lose everything and then you have those who have been hurt badly and don't want to wait it out. The wait is a very long one and sometimes the man upstairs has something planned for those enduring their spouses' crisis.
You will know when you are ready to quit...but from the sound of your postings...you are standing strong and will run the marathon. If you are asking yourself the question about divorce, then you aren't ready to do so. When you stop asking yourself that question, then you'll know what to do.
The best thing to do is focus on YOU! The more you do that, the quicker time will pass and you'll begin to enjoy life again. Leave your h in God's hands so that he can heal him.
Big set-back today. All over one little text message from H last night. The content of the text message okay and not unnecessary either, but H asked me to get back to him that night.
I didn't SEE the message until this morning though. Way too late for H to deal with the info LAST NIGHT.
One of the upsetting things about this is: Why didn't H call me?? Especially since I didn't reply to his text? He usually calls and almost never texts so this is a departure from his normal preferred method of contact which is to call me.
The switch from calling to texting - a less personal way to communicate - had me in tears. When I have to initiate contact I always email or text but that's my plan since he moved out and continues a R with OW. But now he's going less personal?
We don't talk much anymore. The first 4 months after BD it was almost daily contact. H was obviously confused about his decision to leave and even after he left he kept looking for reasons to come by and see me saying he missed me and always wanted me in his life, etc.
Now it's been a bit more than 5 months after BD and the last month he has really withdrawn from me. I put it all down to the R with the OW. The further he goes into this R with her, the less it seems he wants to talk to me.
The pursuit/distance dance was alive and well until the last month. H was the pursuer since I don't initiate contact unless I have no choice. But now, is seems we are BOTH distancers.
That really upsets me for some reason. I am scared he will just keep drifting further and further away from me. And I will not chase him either. So is this how it ends with us??
Now wondering more than ever if he has MLC or if he is just a creepy cheating guy who stuck with the marriage until he found a a more appealing prize - then he leaves. He will never come back - she's just so beautiful according to him. I am attractive but not beautiful and I don't wear high heels with blue jeans and tight sweaters either. Yup, he's never coming back. Shallow man.
I am incredibly sad today. He's got a new love connection. I am sorely missing my love connection and wonder if I will ever find another one.
I suspect I will be alone now until the end of my days. I look in the mirror and all I see is a tired sad looking old lady. Who would even want to have coffee with me? My GAL activities are helping but honestly on days like today it just seems I am trying to run away from my pain which, of course, isn't working.
What a horrible thing H did to me - leave me at this stage in my life when it's more likely than not that I will be sad and alone from now on. I have very little hope for anything else.
Why does he get to move on so easily while I'm left in this hopeless situation. Growing old alone.
God I hate him right now - hard not to be this bitter about what he's done.
Weepy all day today just from getting one lousy text message. I have a long way to go still.
I am sorry you are are so sad and having a bad day. I don't have any amazing words of advice and can only tell you that you are not alone. I am right here with you.
I look in the mirror and see a tired, sad little old lady also. I just know that I am destined to be alone for the rest of my life. After all, if the man I have spent more than half my life with can't love me any longer how on earth could anyone else?? I have so much baggage and now am also broken into a zillion tiny pieces.
Our emotions are all out of whack and our feelings are all over the map. The smallest insignificant things derail us and reduce us to tears.
I wish I could tell you that it would all end soon and you wouldn't suffer anymore but we both know I can't. I can't tell either of us that. I can just tell us both we aren't alone, we have a board full of others who know what we are going through and will listen and share their wisdom and experience with us.
I hope by the time you read this you are in a much better state of mind. Stay strong, GalPal.
