I went to stay in a lovely hotel for a couple of nights with the wonderful man I'm together with.
We went with the aim of climbing one of the snowy hills/mountains up in the north of Scotland.
We didn't quite make it to the top, but got to over 2,000 feet. Conditions further up and at the top were quite harsh and there's not much daylight here at the moment (sunrise at 8.30am, sunset at 3.30pm up north). So we made a decision to stop where we were, enjoy how far we'd got for a bit and then head back down.
It was my first winter/snow climb so I felt happy and safe with our decision. Had I had more experience, I might have been happy pressing on, but for where I was at, I felt like I had already achieved a lot and learnt a lot.
I had the most amazing time. I've come to understand how much I enjoy pushing myself hard. I've done it in the past, intellectually - which is the way that's come most obviously and naturally to me. I've never had much confidence in my own physical abilities, so I've never really tested that side of myself. But I've now come to understand that I really enjoy testing my physical abilities as well, and pushing myself hard on that front as well.
Of course, it helps that the wonderful man I'm with is very much about pushing himself hard. He's done that his entire life and is **extremely** fit. He's never had much chance and opportunity to develop his intellectual and creative side though, although he is incredibly intelligent and soaks up information like a sponge. So we're very much mirror images of each other in this way.
Two days from our walk/climb and I'm still recovering from it. But I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was absolutely amazing knowing we were in the middle of nowhere, the only two people on the hill/mountain and larking around on the snow up there.
It's very new to me, being outside in the middle of nowhere. I've never really done it before. I absolutely love it though, and I'd love to do/see more.
He had a pint (I'm not a beer drinker), but we both had a couple of single malts to celebrate (the bar had over 100 to choose from). We and some haggis and homemade shortbread along with our incredibly delicious dinner, and he had porridge for breakfast. We saw an eagle and a stag when we were out and listened to some folk music on our way home again. We were all the Scottish cliches rolled into one...lol!
Would I go back to my previous life? No, never. I like where I am and who I'm becoming too much.
I was working with someone else who totally didn't recognise me the other evening. I sent her a friend request on FB and she twigged at that point. She joked that I shouldn't change my look again in case she didn't recognise me again. I'm very happy with that.
I'm about to start work on a very busy December and couldn't be happier. I've managed to build up my savings a little this past year, so that if anything were to happen to me health wise (like when I hurt my back three/four years ago, pretty much a result of the stress of my STBXH's ongoing infidelity), I can take a couple of months off work with no sick pay and without having to stress about money not coming in. I feel much safer and more settled as a result of that.
My mortgage is now almost paid off, after almost 25 years in my house. STBXH is still making the mortgage payments into my account.
After the new year I'll go to the Citizen's Advice Bureau and ask about my situation, re STBXH asking for consent to file back in July, me not replying and it then passing the two year point of separation that Scots law requires for divorce with or without your spouse's consent.
The ideal situation for me would be for the papers he filed to just tick over into the 'getting divorced with or without your spouse's consent' scenario automatically after the two year point. And that I was now on the countdown to D being finalised. But I'll ask. It's free advice you get at the Citizen's Advice, you just have to be prepared to spend all morning waiting at the office to be seen as it's always very busy.
I got a knock at the door and had to sign for the papers.
The request for D has gone on from the lawyers to the court after the two year separation period. No need for me to have had any communication with STBXH about it.
I have to lodge any objection (which I clearly won't) by the 27 December.
I don't know how long the process takes. I've done a bit of googling and from what I understand it's a couple of months. I don't know if that's from the date it's gone to the court, or from the 27 December.
I might give the phone number on the papers a call to find out, or I might not...it doesn't really make any difference...the ball is rolling and it's inevitable. No need for me to do anything.
How did I feel? A bit winded when I opened the letter. I wasn't expecting it at that moment, so it caught me by surprise a bit. I felt really tired and drained that day, but carried on pretty much as normal.
I've been reading a bit about alcoholics (and dysfunctional relationships with alcohol). Also about codependency. Does it actually make a difference to me, at this point? It is what it is, but it's good to have the intellectual understanding of things. I can see things pretty clearly now, with hindsight.
And I have **my** version of events, **my** narrative, which is really important for me to have. Not to say that it might change in the future, but it reflects where I am now, in this moment. And it feels like a pretty fair one to both parties. I was thinking about that the other day, that it's important for me to have a reasonably balanced version of events, because that helps me achieve perspective and therefore also distance...which is what I want really.
Of course, I still don't understand in many ways how someone could do what he did. But I'm not him, and I didn't go on that journey, so that's probably why. I think it was probably a pretty painful and lonely journey for him to have gone on, and I wouldn't have wanted that for myself. Maybe that's compassion. This is the mantra I say during one of my meditations (the 'Loving Kindness' one, in case any one is interested):
'May I be well, may I be happy, may I be free from suffering. May you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering. May we be well, may we be happy, may we be free from suffering. May all living beings be well, may all living beings be happy, may all living beings be free from suffering.
I don't know.
The wonderful man I've met? We continue on our journey together. I am loving what I am discovering about myself, the things I am discovering about him, the things I am finding out about myself **through** him, and and the things that we discovering together.
I'm feeling very at peace with where i am in myself and in my life. There's lots and lots I'm curious and excited about and I really feel that I will be fine in myself whatever happens.
I've never really felt so much peace and acceptance within myself, at any point in my life. I also feel capable. I've always felt insecure and unsafe in the world and within myself. But I feel peaceful now and sure within myself that I can navigate through things knowing how to make positive and healthy choices for myself, physically, emotionally and psychologically.
We'll see what tomorrow brings when tomorrow comes. But for today, for now, I'm good with where I am.
focus22 - Fair is a four letter word that begins with F. There's nothing fair about any of what has happened to any of us. We didn't deserve it but it happened anyway.
I remember talking to the teller at the bank a number of months ago and he assured me that "good things happen to good people". I disagreed and mentioned that I grew up on a farm and that I learned as a young boy that somebody had to shovel the manure.
This time of year is tough on us all and we often thing back to what "might have been". I know that I do.
Perhaps this wasn't the answer you were looking for, but I hope it helps to know that others are right where you are now (in my case minus the new possible partner).
((focus22))
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am only a little bit aware of your situation. Was your ex an alcoholic?
I struggle with accepting that things are not fair in life. Watchimg the news, reading about historical events always leaves me teary eyed or angry. Having to discuss the unfair and cruel way people treat each other to my son is especially challenging (he was recently asking me about world war II. )
Betrayal from a loved one is different but also hard to deal with. We know that the world is cruel and unfair but expect differently from the people we grew up with, committed to, and in some cases had children with. Our guards were let down so it hurts even more.
I know there is the belief that to be happy you have to detach from everything and live in the present. Kids and anaimals seem to have that gift. I certainly do not. But for those that do, it seems to relieve them of suffering.
focus22 - Fair is a four letter word that begins with F. There's nothing fair about any of what has happened to any of us. We didn't deserve it but it happened anyway.
I remember talking to the teller at the bank a number of months ago and he assured me that "good things happen to good people". I disagreed and mentioned that I grew up on a farm and that I learned as a young boy that somebody had to shovel the manure.
This time of year is tough on us all and we often thing back to what "might have been". I know that I do.
Perhaps this wasn't the answer you were looking for, but I hope it helps to know that others are right where you are now (in my case minus the new possible partner).
((focus22))
Thank you Andrew, it does help...a lot.
I guess then, it's about bringing the focus back in on yourself again. It doesn't matter what happens *out there*, it's about how you decide to deal with it, and how you decide that your own inner world is going to be.
I have so much trouble with this. I keep looking outside for answers, and the answers are always, always already inside you.
I am only a little bit aware of your situation. Was your ex an alcoholic?
I know this is gonna sound a bit weird....not to know or be able to say for definite but I think so.
He definitely admitted that he had a problem with alcohol (January 2015), but refused to do anything about it.
I'm not quite sure if it's my preconception/prejudice of what an alcoholic is that stopped me from seeing or thinking about it while we were M. I've done some reading since October 2015, and a lot of things around his alcohol consumption are starting to make sense.
And also just being away from him, I'm starting to see just how distorted his relationship with alcohol was/is.
Then, of course, for every problem drinker/alcoholic, there is someone who accepts and enables that behaviour...which isn't a pretty thought. I've delved into that as well, and acknowledged (at least to myself) the part I played in it all.
Or maybe he was just drinking so much because he couldn't articulate his feelings (the difficult, negative ones at least) and felt trapped. And maybe now that he's out of it all, his alcohol consumption is 'normal' again. Who knows? And am I even worried any more, as it doesn't affect me now *sigh*
Originally Posted By: JujuB
I struggle with accepting that things are not fair in life. Watchimg the news, reading about historical events always leaves me teary eyed or angry. Having to discuss the unfair and cruel way people treat each other to my son is especially challenging (he was recently asking me about world war II. )
Betrayal from a loved one is different but also hard to deal with. We know that the world is cruel and unfair but expect differently from the people we grew up with, committed to, and in some cases had children with. Our guards were let down so it hurts even more.
I know there is the belief that to be happy you have to detach from everything and live in the present. Kids and anaimals seem to have that gift. I certainly do not. But for those that do, it seems to relieve them of suffering.
It's so hard not to feel the weight of your expectations and/or hopes pressing down on things though...constantly, about so many things.
I've struggled in the past with really bad anxiety and a lot of fear (it affected my physical health). But I can see now what a waste of energy and time that was. Well, I mean, that energy and time would have been better spent building myself up.
On the plus side, I did learn a lot about how your body works and different mental states, so silver linings and all that...
