Husband gone for second time - new here

[NicoleR]

Sotto, that sounds like a long ordeal for you. I'm sure it'll be the same for me. It's so great that you had your parents to help. My husband and I signed our own financial separation agreement because our state doesn't recognize separation. It's only for our existing situation though and doesn't reflect the costs of moving and living in the new city. I need to see if there's anything other than divorce in our state that would require him to help.

Caz, thanks for your encouragement. I do actually have more of a support network in the city where we'd be moving. I lived there for 13 years and have many friends and colleagues. I'd probably get a live-in nanny if I have to work full-time. There's still a lot of risk though - not knowing how separating my daughter from her father will affect her and not knowing if my health will get better or worse.

All, my husband canceled his coming to see our daughter again today. He's done this a lot lately. He says he's busy working on his million dollar house where he's living alone and the rest of the time he's 'tired' from working. I really can't tell if he's mentally ill or just the 'worst' father in the world. I was so sad, so upset, so angry when he called to cancel again today.

It seems this marriage can't be saved. I'd still love to wait and hope and practice the LRT, but there's so much more that I haven't even written about on this forum that indicate my husband has no intention of fixing the marriage. It's all so overwhelming.

[Jim1234]

What if I told my husband of my plans to move and the financial support that I'll need?......
Or, if he says no, he can't help, it's better for me to know that so I can either fight for help during the divorce process or accept that I have to stay here. Is there any reason why I can't talk to him in the next few weeks?

Will talking to him give you information you need to make a plan? I think the answer is yes, so I would talk to him.
The way I see it, you have nothing to lose.

This is getting a separation agreement in place, which deals with financials, custody and any other matters that need to be agreed and in place for you all...

Xx

this^^^^. It stinks, it's hard, it's painful. But otherwise, where are you? Broke, living apart, and stuck in a marriage with a man who doesn't put effort into meeting your needs, and can't bother to spend time with his daughter.

[Caz49]

To me it sounds like you've got your answer, and moving would work best for you two. You say you don't know how separating your daughter from her father will affect her...well he's not exactly beating down the door to see her now. Putting your life, your career on hold waiting for him to 'wake up' isn't helping either of you right now. Maybe moving away will be the wake up call he needs...maybe it won't. But which scenario is working for you? Definitely not this one.

Weigh up the risks, if you still feel moving is the right thing to do, then ask him for assistance. Of course your daughter will be upset, but her (and your) expectations that he'll visit will be reduced and theres always Skype. Out of sight, you may begin to feel less overwhelmed...and I know that feeling well! But maybe just the action of doing something will make you feel less swamped in feeling lousy. I always feel better once I'm taking action. And you'll have less time to give H a second thought because all your energy will be going towards the move, and your daughter. H may just get to realise he's not number one top of your priorities anymore!

It won't be easy but nothing about separating is ever easy.

Write some pro and con lists...and take some action. Hugs

[NicoleR]

Thanks Jim and Caz.

Jim, your affirmation was helpful. I did talk to my husband tonight by phone. I told him I want to get back to my career and move to the city where I'll find a job. I ran through some numbers with him. He kept saying ok, we need to meet and talk in person. He said he'll come tomorrow. I offered for him to fly to the new city one weekend per month to take our daughter so he's not 'burdened' by seeing her multiple times per week. He gave some excuses about how he's just busy but he likes to see her. Nothing really good or bad came from the call. My husband didn't say anything that would indicate he wants to stay married, but he didn't totally say no to helping financially when we move.

Caz, yes, perhaps the move will be a wake-up call for my husband or will at least get my life back-on-track. I've been thinking about it and researching the pro's and con's as much as possible. I asked my daughter tonight what she thinks. She's only three, so of course she can't really comprehend what I'm asking, but she said she'd be happy to move to the new city and wouldn't mind seeing her father less. She didn't seem too affected when he didn't show up today. I guess if we get divorced she'll grow up never knowing what it was like to have a father present and involved in her every day life. I'm sure she'll have a lot of thoughts about that in the future. I hope she's not mad at me someday. I loved my husband and gave him second chances for years. Even now I'd change all my plans and stay here if he committed to counseling and other actions to reconcile because I don't want to divorce him. My other worst fear is that something bad will happen to me and my daughter won't have someone good to raise her and she'll be alone in the world. For that reason I really wish to stay with my husband even if it's a practical marriage, but I can't want that by myself. He has to want it too. The other stuff you say is all true. Thanks again for your encouragement. I haven't seen any updates from you on your thread but I'll keep checking.

[kml]

Your projections into the future are overlooking a lot of other possibilities. What about the one where you remarry a great guy who makes an excellent stepfather? Or the one where you stay in the marriage for the sake of your child and she grows up with an emotionally distant father who makes her feel she's never good enough and an unhealthy marriage as her main role model?

Some advice for the face to face discussion with your H - write up an index card with advice to yourself and your main points you want to make. Put it in your pocket and excuse yourself to the restroom to reread it if you feel things are getting off track.

[Cherry]

Nicole, i just stimbled upon your post. There seems to be so many similarities in our husbands. Mine has checked out again, and we have 2 children. Our S is the same age as your d, he first checked out when he was about 9 months old. He had an A and then came back grovelling after I’d db’d my a$$ off. He checked out good and proper when pregnant with our second child. He’s now announced he is doing a cultural arranged m (he is arranging himself). Meanwhile, he had been sleeping with me, and telling me he had been having regrets about leaving (i did not know about this girl).
He’s been doing the same as your h and not bothering showing up when he should be to see the kids. Leaving me 100% parenting alone.

As an outsider, it’s always easier to give advise to someone else. But i would say to honestly consider the move. It might be the best way to find some peace and sanity for yourself and rebuild yourself. Particularly, if you would have more support, i think for the sake of your health it would be an excellent idea. Wrt your daughter hating you, i highly doubt that. You’ve put your all into this, you’ve tried to make your m work. You’ve protected her throughout this and been there for her- never worry about that.

[NicoleR]

KML, I think this is one of my major weaknesses - not being able to visualize the good things that may happen. I'm too risk averse nowadays (I wasn't previously). It's possible I'll find someone new, but probably not any time soon. I'd guess it'd be five or ten years before I'd be a good partner for anyone and that long for my daughter to be more independent. I don't mean to shut out possibilities which I may be doing. I'll keep trying to improve in that area. Thanks for the tip about the index card. I'll do that. I don't know yet if my husband will actually want to talk tonight. He came late to take our daughter and he asked why I can't find a babysitter (meaning why do I have to come?). It's obvious there's no need on my part to say more than the bare minimum. Most likely he'll say he's too tired too talk, delay it, and then keep delaying it. This has been his strategy for years now except for the night in August when he said he's leaving again. Thanks for your excellent advice in any case!

Cherry, thanks so much for your encouragement. I tried to read through your thread but wow, there's so much history! I'll keep reading! I'm not sure if I caught everything but it sounds like your husband is also of Middle Eastern descent or from a Muslim majority country? Mine is. I can see the similarities between our situations. Our daughter was around a year old when my husband started checking out and saying stuff like "I don't like my life. I don't like being married. Our daughter was a mistake..." Only difference is that it sounds like your husband was / is still attracted to you whereas mine simply said he's not. For the first few years he would say I was beautiful but I'm sure once there was another woman in the picture, one that didn't just have a baby, who's young and free, and has lots of energy to have fun then suddenly I wasn't appealing anymore. That must be so hard with two little kids and working. That's not fair. I'll respond more about your situation on your thread ASAP but it seems we have no choice but to do the hard work by ourselves without a partner. It's so sad for the innocent children. I'd do anything to fix my marriage for my daughter. I've been following the DB guidelines but there's no change whatsoever. If anything my husband is so happy that I stopped calling and don't bother him anymore.

[Cherry]

It’s so hard when it seems like all is impossible, but my situation has been like that in the past, but then it has turned around. The only way i got through last time was by picking myself up and trudging on. For sure faking it til we made it. He is of Pakistani decent, but fourth generation British born. I’m first generation Latina born in Britain. But we are both born and raised Muslim. His dad left when he was young and he always swore he’d never treat a woman the way his dad treated his mom or do that to his children.
I’ve been told i was a mistake and he shouldn’t have married me, he’s not sure he loved me. But that statement has swung like the wind i don’t know what to believe. I think it’s all part of the script tbh to justify their decisions. I feel as though he has just used me for sex. And i know he does not like the thought of anyone else having me. Our entire relationship he told me hoe people said he was punching above his weight. But i never for a second, not even now have looked at another man.
The appeal of the ow is just that, no responsibilities and all the time in the world for them. Meanwhile in the real world we are trying to juggle relationships, children and careers, with little or no time for ourselves.
My advise i gave to Sara, i give to you too: when the little one is in bed, turn your house into a spa. Face mask, paint your nails. Anything to make you feel a bit more confident for you. Hell, head to Victoria secrets and treat yourself- for you. Hair done, new clothes. Anything that gives you a little attention will do your confidence wonders. You really truly deserve it

[kml]

He came late to take our daughter and he asked why I can't find a babysitter (meaning why do I have to come?

Our daughter was a mistake.

I'd do anything to fix my marriage for my daughter.

Why? This is a man who sadly hasn't bonded to his daughter, thinks she was a mistake, drives around to avoid interacting with her, and would rather you got a sitter so he didn't have to visit her. What makes you think he's capable of being a decent father?

If he doesn't care about his child why are you fighting to keep him in her life? This isn't a man who was a good father until MLC hit and he went out of his man. This is a man who hasn't ever been the father he should have been.

When and if the time comes, negotiate for as much money upfront as you can get in a divorce, as there is no guarantee he won't default on his child support obligations.

Plan your life for you and your daughter. If he eventually changes he can try to catch up to you. But don't put yourself in a vulnerable position waiting on him. Life won't be easy as a single mom but that's what you are now anyway. You're blessed in that you have a good career to return to - go back now while you still can.

[Jim1234]

I've been following the DB guidelines but there's no change whatsoever.

There may never be any change.....

Plan your life for you and your daughter. If he eventually changes he can try to catch up to you. But don't put yourself in a vulnerable position waiting on him. Life won't be easy as a single mom but that's what you are now anyway.

.... which is why this^^ is such great advice.