Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
Originally Posted By: Subitai

W found out she needs to do a business trip in early Jan. It should be for a week, but she said it wasn't fair for her to be gone that long, esp since she had another activity the Saturday after she would get back. (Over text.) I texted back that it would be fine, we could get facetime for the kids, and that a week apart would be good for us, anyway.

I think it will be good for us. Living in the same house when she still wants the big D is rough. Not even the tiniest sign of being interested on working on the R.


It will be good for you.

I remember soon after BD1, my W was on a business trip and she would call and talk and talk. At home she filled her time with activities and go out such that she didn't have time to think. On the business trip she had no distractions from her inner turmoil.

When she's away, don't you initiate contact. And if she calls, you break off the conversation before she does.


------------------
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
S
Subitai Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
Originally Posted By: FastCars

It will be good for you.

I remember soon after BD1, my W was on a business trip and she would call and talk and talk. At home she filled her time with activities and go out such that she didn't have time to think. On the business trip she had no distractions from her inner turmoil.

When she's away, don't you initiate contact. And if she calls, you break off the conversation before she does.


I'm actually looking forward to it a little bit. The last month and change has been extremely wearing on me.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
S
Subitai Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
Stupid move of the day... one of our favorite performers announced new tour dates less than 30 minutes ago IN OUR TOWN and I texted her if she wanted to go. She texted back "SURE!" and so I got tickets for us. This may be dumb, but I also hope it will remind her of the other times we've gone and seen this performer. Those were usually instigated by me as a 'surprise date' type thing. If I keep it chill and act as friends, I hope it will be okay. We also have tickets from before the BD to a different fav performer in Jan, and we're still planning on going to that. I am hoping some of these callbacks to better times will help... but they may hurt.

I still don't understand why she doesn't want to talk about working on the R. We aren't fighting, I'm 180ing, we laugh at each other's jokes. It's just... cold. That wall of the BD is there, and since she's said it, there may be no way back for her.

But I will keep DB'ing, letting her proceed with the Big D, and try to not get hurt too much by all of this so that if she DOES come around, I'll be in a position to accept it. I am anticipating a HUGE wound after we tell the kids, one that I will have a hard time getting past. I'm prepping myself for that, reading co-parenting books, reading The Smart Divorce, all of that.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted By: Subitai
This may be dumb, but I also hope it will remind her of the other times we've gone and seen this performer.


Sub,

I know what your thinking, you go to the concert the band plays a few love songs and she sways back in forth in your arms. To bad that bull $hit only happens in the movies.

That's major pursuit! She tells you she wants a D so you buy her concert tickets? What does that communicate to her?

You should have bought two tickets. For you and somebody else.

Read Sandy's rules everyday.

Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
S
Subitai Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
I will go read them again. Right now.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
S
Subitai Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
Question :

One of my 180's is being more communicative over the kids, and asking her opinion about the kids. Is this conflicting with the no chasing? I'm guessing 'no' because it's kids related and one of the 'pain points'.

Another pain point was me not asking for help/telling her when I was hurting/communicating my emotions. At this point, this seems like it would DEFINITELY be pursuing unless done in a very careful way, specifically relating to the kids. Even then, though, it may be over the line.

My IC has brought up some issues with how I was raised, that I vowed never to repeat (making the kids scared of me like I was scared of my parents because of being beaten with belt) but I see that my anger and words are fulfilling the same purpose as the beatings (which I have never done, nor want to, nor will do), controlling them through anger and fear. I want to address this through my IC, and I REALLY want to talk to her about it. Since it is related to the kids, is this acceptable to talk about? I plan on talking to my IC about it tomorrow, but would like opinions on it.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
A big difference from what was recommended to me by the db counselors from the people on these boards was this...

That you should work on friendship right now. That doesnt mean stone walling your wife as seems to be advised by some of the posters. Your wife is not in an open affair. If that was the case, perhaps it would be different. But i know my coachbwas recommending friendship, friendship, friendship and often said opposite of what posters here advised.

(I found it hard to follow my db coach cause of my own anger and desire to punish and emotions.)

What was recommended was to not pursue relationahip talks. So i think the concert sounds like a great idea! She agreed to go so keep it light and fun.

I do not think it would be a bad idea to discuss ways that u raise the children. And if communication is a 180 then yeah, makes sense. At the very least you will need it for coparenting in the future.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,866
Likes: 1
I think its important to remember that many of us that post to you are posting with baggage of all sorts. Some posters ex's were involved in affairs. Mine had secret drug and alcohol addictions.

By following the wrong advise, you can make things a lot worse. So take what is said with a grain of salt.
Go to a concert with someone else??? I guatantee that will only justify your wife lewing even quicker!!!

Personally, i think the concert idea sounds great. I think LRT is for when your spouse is going out with other men and has abandoned the kids. Not as a way to punish or make jealous when she is feeling hooeless about reconciliation


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
S
Subitai Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
I doubt very much she would abandon the kids. I mean, who knows what will happen in the future, but right now she is an excellent mom, and I can't ever see that changing. Of course, I didn't see the D coming, even though I knew there was trouble. So yah.

I am trying to be friendly, work on my 180s, GAL, and give her space. Living together still makes that hard. She says she wants to talk this weekend about the D, so when do we move out will likely come up soon.

This morning she said she booked the trip for the whole week so I won't have to look at her, so I think she was a little hurt about text where I said we could use some space apart.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
S
Subitai Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
S
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 191
W was very angry this weekend. We had some books recommended to us about co-parenting/etc, and we both wound up with them reserved at the library. I got a copy of one of them on Wed, she picked up all of the ones she reserved on Saturday, then when she found out I already had one, got mad and claimed it was bizarre I didn't tell her I already had that one checked out, and this was exactly the kind of communication issues that cost us our marriage. I just shook my head at that one and said "I'm not sure how me not telling you I checked out a book is bizarre."

I'm reading 123 Magic as a new way to interact with my kids, and I'm going to adopt it even if W will not. My biggest problems are over-explaining and letting my emotions (anger) take over, and this book is ALL about reducing those problems. It really speaks to me. I will make another attempt or two to get W on board with it before the separation.

I had a slip up on my 180 on anger with her when she said we had to get moving on the apartment when she'd never set a date before. I said I thought we'd get back from xmas, then find a place and move in by Feb 1st and she said "I've been very clear about wanting to do this!" I replied we hadn't set an actual date, so accusing me of dragging my feet wasn't fair. She then said "I know what you want, you want us both living in the same house!" This was in front of our son who hasn't been told about it. (He was watching TV) So I snapped "I will move out tomorrow if that's what you want" which was a shitty move on my part, especially with our son in the room.

Later she apologized for being mean, and I apologized for snapping back in anger, and we watched a few TV shows sitting on separate furniture.

So, it looks like we'll be getting an apartment and starting Bird Nesting separation by Jan 15th, or Feb at the latest. Honestly, I think being separated at this point will be helpful. I'm just really, really sad the kids are going to have to deal with this. I had hoped that some strong DB'ing, IC, and 180s would rectify this before the kids had to deal with it. But alas.

Other than that, things went well with my kids for me this weekend. W was angry and yelly at them a lot, but then came around by Sunday night and was good with them this morning.

My journey appears to be just starting.

Also, watching a TV show with a divorced couple trying to reconcile on it is just friggin awful when you're going through this.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
Page 3 of 11 1 2 3 4 5 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard