Adjusting to being a LBS....

[Subitai]

Divorce Diet total so far : 18 pounds lost in a little over a month.

Ugh.

Food just seems so... blah. I was sick to my stomach for the first week, so blah is actually an improvement.

[Verum]

Sorry to hear about your sitch. You need to take care of yourself in terms of diet and exercise -- assuming you didn't need to lose 18 lbs.

What 180's have you done? Since you're living together the W will notice.

I'm in a similar sitch, and I know it [censored].

[Subitai]

I could stand to lose another 18 pounds.

My 180s :

IC : My WAW has been asking me to go for years. I have never gone because of a serious trauma related to IC that I have been suppressing for years. I've just had my 3rd IC session. The first one was terrifying. I was literally having a panic attack about it. I almost didn't make it in the door. The second one was awful. I couldn't sit down before it, I just kept pacing around the waiting room for 10 minutes before my session. The third one was better, I was able to sit calmly and wait. It is helping. I feel more hopeful than scared at them now, which is an astonishing turn from just 3 sessions. My IC guy says he is impressed with how hard I'm working and how committed I am.

Listening : I'm working hard at listening to my wife. I still have bad habits of tuning her out and missing followups once I think the conversation is over (and assume she's talking to the kids or something.) Just last night this tune-out happened, when I didn't realize she was getting a snack for our S just before dinner. Recognizing when I fail and keeping at doing better is what I'm doing here. This is especially problematic for me when I am distracted making dinner/doing chores/etc. I don't multitask as well as my WaW, at all.

Parenting : Whenever she disagrees with me on parenting in the past, I've gotten excessively angry about it and claimed she was 'cutting me off at the knees' and teaching the kids to disrespect me, etc. Last night, we had a misunderstanding about what S7 was allowed to eat before dinner, and I started into the 'trying to control the parenting thing' but managed to back down. Three times I tried to control it, and three times she patiently redirected. I later apologized about it and said "You were right, you were handling the snack, I didn't need to keep butting into that." to which she replied "never mind, it doesn't matter." Not exactly a great response, but I'm still trying.

Sharing : I realized I haven't told my WaW a lot of things about my past. Telling her now, however, is kind of hard without tying it into the BD/D that's ongoing, but I'm trying. I have serious abandonment issues that have also recently come to light, which manifests in withholding info, not asking for help, trying to appear perfect, and deflecting and anger when my imperfections are recognized by people I love. However, doing this counts as chasing, so 180ing on this is... tricky.

Anger : My IC is helping with this, even if we're focusing on Trauma right now. People with a history of trauma apparently have a fight or flight response turned waaaay up. On a scale of 1-10 where 10 is rage/panicked flight, and 1 is completely relaxed and calm, I don't think I've been below a 4 for decades. In the Avengers when Banner says "The secret, Captian, I'm always angry" I was like "OMG THAT IS SO ME! And not in a good way!" I'm doing deep breathing exercises pretty much constantly through the day to bring that excitation level down. I have managed to make some remarkable progress, but I need to make it stick. Even thinking about this while I write it has made me need to do a few deep breaths to bring me back down. IC thinks this is tied to how I was raised. (Emotionally unavailable parents with vigorous physical punishment.)

Also, Geeze, FastCars. 3 BDs? 1NS? I don't know how you persevere, sir. That's a bit inspiring.

[JRuss]

I was a poor listener, also. I found that meditation really, really helps. We don't listen because we aren't present and in the moment when someone talks to us. We are thinking about something else. Meditation rewires your brain circuitry in a good way. You might try it. It also has the benefit of simply providing a really good, healthy way to relax. This is about as stressful a thing as can happen to us, short of losing a child or spouse to death or horrible injury. I found it to be a lifesaver and am only hyperbolizing a little bit, if at all, when I say that.

[Subitai]

I was a poor listener, also. I found that meditation really, really helps. We don't listen because we aren't present and in the moment when someone talks to us. We are thinking about something else. Meditation rewires your brain circuitry in a good way. You might try it. It also has the benefit of simply providing a really good, healthy way to relax. This is about as stressful a thing as can happen to us, short of losing a child or spouse to death or horrible injury. I found it to be a lifesaver and am only hyperbolizing a little bit, if at all, when I say that.

I was actually thinking of trying some yoga already. Needing to calm down pretty much constantly makes me want to find more than deep breathing. Meditation sounds like a good add.

[Verum]

Also, Geeze, FastCars. 3 BDs? 1NS? I don't know how you persevere, sir. That's a bit inspiring.

In between those BD there were good times in the MR, my children have a stable and supporting home life, and we were financially well off. So it wasn't always bad.

While I made some mistakes, I don't regret the time I spent DB-ing and then trying to get our MR back on track. However, going forward I will no longer accept the halfhearted efforts my W made to our MR. Either my W comes around and wants to work on the marriage, or we get divorced. I can't get back into a MR where we are only roommates.

[Subitai]

Also, Geeze, FastCars. 3 BDs? 1NS? I don't know how you persevere, sir. That's a bit inspiring.

In between those BD there were good times in the MR, my children have a stable and supporting home life, and we were financially well off. So it wasn't always bad.

While I made some mistakes, I don't regret the time I spent DB-ing and then trying to get our MR back on track. However, going forward I will no longer accept the halfhearted efforts my W made to our MR. Either my W comes around and wants to work on the marriage, or we get divorced. I can't get back into a MR where we are only roommates.

I have so many good times to look back on, not even that FAR back. This summer we had some great times. And some bad times. I'm convinced if she'd be willing to try, we could piece back together a much stronger, new M. But I can't make her or rush her on that.

As I said, it's inspiring a bit to see how hard you have been working.

[Subitai]

W couldn't look me in the eye the last time we tried to talk. I'm guessing that means I 'pushing' and 'pursuing' again. I want to talk to her about what's going on with me, but that's counterproductive. Grrrr! SO HARD!

Went out with some friends last night, and that was cathartic. Shared some of what I'm going through in IC, and that was very helpful. The person I most want to talk to about it is the one person I cannot.

Will have the kids solo for the next two nights.

[Subitai]

Today worked on some 180ing by talking more about the kids, asking about an issue with the D. After talking briefly to W, we talked to D together, W had some feedback ("I talked too much, led the conversation, so we didn't really get answers") I agreed with her assessment on that. Too much trying to solve the problem and not actually listening there. Definitely one of my faults.

We have vacation to my family over Xmas, not going to be fun. But I will do my best to make it awesome. Parents are promising to be on their best behavior. Gotta DB like a mofo!

W found out she needs to do a business trip in early Jan. It should be for a week, but she said it wasn't fair for her to be gone that long, esp since she had another activity the Saturday after she would get back. (Over text.) I texted back that it would be fine, we could get facetime for the kids, and that a week apart would be good for us, anyway.

I think it will be good for us. Living in the same house when she still wants the big D is rough. Not even the tiniest sign of being interested on working on the R.

[Subitai]

Oh, best sleep I've had in over a month last night. Fell asleep at 9:30ish after getting the kids down, didn't really wake up when W came home, slept until 5:30.