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Lou,

You are caught between a rock and a hard spot here because of your sons and having to communicate w/your h. Andrew's posting is something that you need to re-read and then think hard on what he's written. Sometimes, as humans, we look for that one special opening to start communicating w/them again. I did it too...so I do understand what Andrew is pointing out. If the contact is keeping you from detaching more, then you may want to consider only responding when it is necessary to do so.

Your sons are grown and whatever relationship they forge w/their father is one that the three of them will need to rebuild. Yes, it's okay to be a part of that...but be careful...if co-parenting in a "closer" environment is going to cause you stress and anxiety, then it might be time to let them figure things out. As for family events, such as weddings births, family emergencies, both you will be there front in center because you both are parents. Again, I do understand where you are coming from.

As for the job front, I'm so glad to read that your manager/supervisor is willing to work with you on your position at his/her company. That says a lot about how great you are as an employee and as a person.

Lou, take each day as it comes and don't look too far ahead. You know that people in crisis change on a dime and he may want a connection w/you at the moment and then disappear down the rabbit hole again for a while. Please sit quietly....the answers will come.

Please take care of yourself.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Thanks for the advice and giving me different points of view devvo, Andrew and job, much appreciated and gave me food for thought.

Devvo, I do understand what you are saying about co parenting, there have been times when I could have really done with Input from h, but I got through it, I have dealt with each situation as it arose on my own and the result is I have a strong relationship with both my children.

AndrewP - Devils advocate and I thank you for it. A past version of me would have emailed h back immediately saying "of course we can be friends, I miss you, I want to be in your life etc etc " but this version was more restrained, I sat with this for a couple days before replying, I thought about what you wrote and I looked at what I felt was right for me, I would not have joined this forum had I not hoped for the outcome to be reconciliation but I have learnt enough and been through enough to know that I don't want a repeat performance and caution and skepitiseum is shielding me from picking up the rope again. Yes he tapped on the door and I opened it, but that does not mean I will be allowing him over the threshold. My gut tells me he is a bit lonely right now and he is having to play dad and is out of practice so who is the person to call upon ? As soon as something/someone distracts him he will be off again and I won't hear from him for a while, it's the pattern he has followed, everything still about him, I am not going to play that game.

job - I don't intend meddling in the relationship between h and the boys, they need to figure things out on their own, he has done considerable damage to both of them and I won't be the peace maker, that is not how I see my role or how this co parenting being, I see it more as exchanging information if required and being on the same page if a s does something dumb and needs guidance.

So after several drafts and deletes, sleeping on my reply before I sent it I decided on this:

S20 birthday money information

The reason s20 has given for coming to me for Christmas.

And

"I feel that if we can support each other as parents that would be helpful, being on the same page when dealing with situations can only be a good thing. "

I wished him good luck with his new job and signed off,

I figure that the only way to know if I can handle this is by doing it, if I find I am struggling to continue moving forwards in my own world because he is in it then I can go back to how things are now. I am still very focused on my job, my adventure next year and saving so with a direction to go in I will hopefully ride this latest contact out until he disappears again.

Thanks for all the advice guys n gals, much love to you all xoxox

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(((LouR)))


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Lou,

I think your response was good and to the point.

You are the only one that is walking in your shoes and you will know what you can and cannot handle as you walk your life's path. I've watched you grow by leaps and bounds and I am so very proud of how much you've grown and you've become even more wiser as you travel your life's path.

Always remember, we are a family here and we will be here to listen and support you as you travel your life's path. Keep up the good work...but be sure to take care of yourself along the way.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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For what it's worth Lou, I think that your response to his email was perfect.

Were I him I'd read that you're willing to speak with him as far as anything to do with the boys goes but you haven't offered, or asked for, anything more.


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I think that's fair enough to too Lou. You have been around that loop one time already and you were hurt by how things unfolded. You are understandably cautious and that's fine. Lovely that you are so highly valued already - clearly your boss has great taste!!!

Xxx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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fwiw my darling lou i thought your response was perfect.

yes, dearest keeping the focus on you and your goals is the only solution.

i'm delighted with the proposition made to you by your boss. you've earned that my dear and i hope you pause a moment to look back, see how far you've come and gain strength from that to move forward. well done my friend xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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LouR Offline OP
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Hi everyone, thanks for the feedback, that second opinion is always so valuable as I don't have a clue how to react to h these days, I'm never sure what the right thing to do/say is, always conscious of making things worse for myself.

Not much of an update to talk about, my new role has started, it's still in the planning stages of how it's actually going to work, but I have been given guidelines and now have to come up with a plan, thankfully it's not expected until the new year as we are now in the busy period with Christmas events.

S23 and fiance left for their adventure, I have Been getting daily updates and photos of their trip which is lovely.

S21 has booked his ferry to come to me for Christmas, he will be staying for 5 days which will be nice, I have missed him but am pleased it's just a visit and not to move back home !!

And h, he emailed me after my reply to say yes please to supporting each other as parents, it's something he definately( his word) would like. We had a couple of emails back and forth, friendly chatting about nothing in particular creeping in, he asked if it was ok and I replied that we have history and a familiarity that time doesn't take away and that I have genuinely missed him from my life, I said that I am not going to rehash what has happened with us, it serves no purpose to look backwards, it will only cause more hurt and pain. I said that for now we are parenting together, maybe in time it will repair us as friends.

He emailed me a couple days ago, a short catch up on s20 and chatted about his new job. He then sighed off " Thanks for being you, Love, Me x "

I read that last sentence and laughed ....felt like replying " your welcome, I know, I am awesome aren't I" ....... but I didn't lol.

Thanks for being you .....Bahaha funny guy

Anywhoo, it's late so I'm off to bed.

Love n hugs xoxo

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should have signed off with that babe. you ARE awesome and he's a fool. xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hey sweet Bttrfly, haha it was very tempting to send that reply!

Xoxo

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