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I'd say "bring that sexy ass over here" then smack it.

Seriously though. Women do like a guy who could treat her like a gentleman and then man up in the bedroom. Just like a guy likes a "lady in the street and a freak in the bed".

Emotional intimacy makes someone comfortable with the domination aspect. someone who is neglectful then throws you on the bed really isn't all that appealing.

I do think you are overthinking a tad much, scared to have her withdraw or want to go back to OM. I understand it, but relax a little and go with the flow a bit.

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Originally Posted By: hoosjim
So here's another issue: How do you navigate the "I'm fat" or "I need to lose 15 pounds" minefield with a recovering Ww/WAW


You say "well, I think you're absolutely beautiful as you are but if it's important to you then it's important to me so how can I help?"



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Btw, have you given your W a real kiss, lately?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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Originally Posted By: hoosjim
So here's another issue: How do you navigate the "I'm fat" or "I need to lose 15 pounds" minefield with a recovering Ww/WAW? Been hearing this from mine more and more, and seems like a "h just keep your mouth shut" no-win situation.


VALIDATE. Sometimes I feel like a broken record around here, but the answer is VALIDATE. You do not want to disagree with her, because she is expressing her feelings and no matter what you see (IE, that she looks great) SHE sees something she's unhappy with. So ask her how it makes her feel. Is she unhappy? Sad? Depressed? Frustrated? Ask her questions that will get her to open up about those feelings. Then offer empathy- "I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated, is there anything I can do to help? Do you think it's because you've gained a few pounds or is it maybe for another reason?" Remember, validating is not agreeing/ disagreeing/ arguing/ explaining/ reasoning. It's just getting her to open up about her feelings.

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Bottom line my W is a knockout and pretty much everyone agrees.


It doesn't matter. It's what she feels that matters.

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All this is complicated by the previous neglect and her skepticism that my compliments are sincere sometime.


Have you done the 5LL quiz with her to determine her primary LL? It sounds like you're assuming (or maybe you know) that it's WoA but it may be something else.

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How do you validate and not contradict her feelings while still letting her know and making her feel like she looks amazing?


Validating is the complete opposite of contradicting her feelings. It is UNDERSTANDING her feelings, NOT denying them. Compliments are NOT validation. Compliments are great at the right time and place. But if she says "I feel fat and ugly" that is not the time to say "you're crazy, I think you look great and so does everyone else!" Because all she hears is you disagreeing with her, and that expresses a lack of understanding and empathy. Right?


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Oops, posted that without seeing there was a 2nd page of responses. Looks like we're all pretty much expressing the same sentiments smile


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Wow, so much great feedback, y'all, thanks! Where to begin...

Sandi:
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Btw, have you given your W a real kiss, lately?


Are you kidding? I would LOVE to kiss my wife. She is a great kisser. In fact, very hard to kiss her without thinking about it leading to other things... However... As I indicated in my previous posts, Im at a bit of a quandary here. Once or twice I have given her a "peck" when hugging her, or in church when exchanging "greetings" (She has done same) but no romantic, on the lips smackeroos. I just don't get that vibe from her. I've always thought I've had a pretty good read on when a woman wants to be kissed, but, then again maybe I am missing something here with the sitch as unusual as it is. We has a LONG period of drawing apart, then the A, and now this sort of uncomfortable/awkward reconnecting. Not really uncomfortable overall, because it is nice, but... we just haven't had that romantic spark. She has, a couple of times, made suggestive comments under her breath, almost in joking, but then retracted or said "nothing" when I'd say "what?!". She's also warmed up but. Idunno, maybe she's waiting for me to take her head in my hands and just kiss her but... If so Im definitely not getting that vibe. MC has advised us to work on being deliberate about intimacy and touch to get used to it feeling more natural, and part of that would eventually include kissing and such, but we have not been doing anything "structured" there (which we are supposed to... we have a book and have each looked at it but neither one has forced the issue. We have a Skype MC session next week, so maybe I could use that to suggest we get more serious about that reading and such this weekend.

Stander, thanks, that is a GREAT explanation. A lot of others said similar such things, sure, but you really rolled t all up into one nice succinct all-inclusive enchilada. Thanks again.

Finally... Ugh... Having some bad flashbacks today. You'll recall, W approached me about going out with bff locally tonight "for dinner and maybe a drink" and "maybe I'll do a little clothes shopping, later if I don't eat myself up a size at dinner". I voiced my concerns about this in a post above, but it hit me across the face and my mind started spinning just about 30 mins ago. Dropped in to her office to say hi, since I was across the hall having PT on my shoulder (I was seen by a doctor at the practice she works at). Got up to her window and chit chatted for a couple... don't think she expected to see me. She had a carry bag of "hot" going out clothes-- sexy jeans, knee-high boots, etc-- half pushed under her desk (I hadn't seen her go out this morning as I was at the gym early), and she was also wearing earrings that I am pretty sure OM got her and also a bracelet that I am more sure he did for her birthday. Neither expensive but, pretty. And she had given up wearing them (particularly the earrings )for a while after having pretty much worn them non-stop during the course of the A, which sort of reinforced my belief that they were from OM. She stopped wearing them much around end of August about the same time she took down her Facebook background picture which consisted of flower petals that I know damned well-well, say 90%- OM got her. I have no surveillance up on her right now... other than the fact that I can locate her phone-- a fact she is well aware of and which she could easily defeat by leaving it in her or bff's car while they went somewhere else. Am I being crazy here? Should I mention to her that I don't feel great about this? Ask her to "look, just check in with me a couple of times by text or something so I feel safer about this"? Or just let it go. I definitely don't trust the dynamic of her and bff locally (as I described in my above post). Bff calling from OM's bar so they all could say "hi" to my W is still too fresh in my mind (only about four weeks ago.) Thoughts?


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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Originally Posted By: hoosjim
Am I being crazy here? Should I mention to her that I don't feel great about this? Ask her to "look, just check in with me a couple of times by text or something so I feel safer about this"? Or just let it go.


hoosjim,

Clearly she's sneaking around for a reason and it's not because you're a control freak. In my humble opinion, it's time for a heart-to-heart conversation with her that includes what's not acceptable and what'll happen when the unacceptable event occurs (otherwise called a boundary). And you can tell her that you'll get doodler to come pack her sh*t and toss her out. So there!

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Hmm, I never thought I'd say this, but I agree with doodler... But only because his posts are usually outside the boundaries of reality and usually just meant to be a paradox to life, I.e., meant to make us laugh during a time that we are afraid to do so.

I, like doodler, have detached, and can now see the forest for the trees (or is it the forest through the trees, never was quite sure), but I digress.. What I'm trying to say is stop walking on egg shells, at this point she either wants to make it work or she doesn't. Either call her out on what you saw, or think of what you saw, or tell her you will be joining them for dinner. I don't really see why she wouldn't want you part of her and bff's friendship if you are the one for her.. At the very least, it will stop you from wondering.

There is no reason that I can see her needing to keep your M separate from hanging out with bff unless there is a separate life when hanging out with BFF.


M - 9 1/2 years
5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA
10/31/16 - We sold house
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Jim,

No, no, no. She has caused a boundary. She and you both know she shouldnt be wearing things the OM bought. Also she wore them, at her office where you coukdnt see them.

If it don't feel right, it's most likely not. You know the feeling. We all on this thread do. Dont ignore it. You need to confront her. Tough love! She has relasped. Dont be passuve on this issue.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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Quote:
There is no reason that I can see her needing to keep your M separate from hanging out with bff unless there is a separate life when hanging out with BFF.


You mean, aside from the fact that bff helped enable her in the A and also cheated on my best friend (her STBXH) THREE TIMES... the last with a mutual friend. And that I can't stand her and the feeling is likely mutual?

And yes, this dynamic definitely needs to be addressed if we are to make a go of it.

JoeJoe:
Quote:
No, no, no. She has caused a boundary. She and you both know she shouldnt be wearing things the OM bought. Also she wore them, at her office where you coukdnt see them.


That's just the thing... I dontknow. I suspect in one instance (earrings, which she pretty much wore constantly until she distanced from OM, but which she easily could have purchased and just tired of), and somewhat more strongly suspect in the case of the bracelet (which showed up oddly right after her birthday when she had a couple of unaccounted for lunchtime outings out to OM's neck of the woods). I really don't know for sure and have never broached the subject and, TBH, at this point i think i risk coming off paranoid/insecure/controlling if I bring it up... especially if I am wrong. The only thing I am near certain he gave her and that she hung on to a while was the flowers where she kept the picture up on FB for a while... but, like i said, she took that down in favor of a picture of our two boys at about the same time she had her come to Jesus moment. I suppose i could bring it up in counselling or elsewhere that, generally, "anything she might have that OM gave her" should probably be disposed of in the interests of moving forward. Not sure what my seguay into that is, though.

FWIW, no indication she misbehaved last night. She texted me at sufficient intervals that I know she couldn't have ditched her phone, which did track as being where she said she would be (Restaurant at the mall). Now, OM could, of course, have showed up there and I'd have no way to know, but this mall and this restaurant is a popular destination and really close to our neighborhood (unlike OM's typical haunts) and we have relatively frequently seen neighbors or friends there, so it would have been pretty risky. OTOH, she was a bit more distant and avoiding of touch this morning.


H53/W51, R-ing 4/'18

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires"-Sg.of Sg 2:7

"So oftentimes it happens,that we live our lives in chains, & we never even know we have the key"-Eagles III 1:3
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