I may be here forever

[kml]

Which has caused me to delve into every relationship I have had. And questioning why I am not worth it to them. or anyone. Yet, I know I am. I know I am a dam good catch even if not perfect. But you see a pattern and you question it.

Wrong question. The right question is: "Why do I keep picking men who don't value me and recreate the abandonment of my youth?"

[25yearsmlc]

Which has caused me to delve into every relationship I have had. And questioning why I am not worth it to them. or anyone. Yet, I know I am. I know I am a dam good catch even if not perfect. But you see a pattern and you question it.

Wrong question. The right question is: "Why do I keep picking men who don't value me and recreate the abandonment of my youth?"

My Dear Ginger, THIS^^^^^^^.

((( )))

[Ginger1]

I had my IC yesterday and I swear I went through a lot of tissues.

I have definitely chosen men in the past who don't value me and recreate the abandonment of my youth. I have been working through not doing that anymore very hard with my IC. I am so defeated this time because my last one did not. He was thoughtful, considerate, put in much effort, we made a good team, we enjoyed eachother's company.... it was really great aside from some bumps that were to be expected. I really really thought this one had long term potential. The break up knocked me on my butt.

I also realize the longer I am alone, the more I am willing to tolerate when someone new comes along. I won't do this anymore. But sadly enough, when you famine so long, feeding on scraps feels like a feast. But I am paying strict attention not to do that.

We went through the timeline of my life with mother/exH ect. I don't think we ever went through the timeline before and the events that happened. She didn't know I was on my own at 18. I told her about everything. She was looking on in almost horror.

She said one of my strongest points will always be overcoming bad situations and making the best out of a bad situation. I am survivor. And I have been surviving on my own for so long. She knows I am so damn tired. I really am.

My dad is going to be in my state for a wedding tonight and is staying over. I practically begged him to come to D10's game tomorrow and have dinner with us. He can't do it because of the dog. I confided in him a little the other day about how I was feeling. he asked what he could do. This is what I need him to do, but he can't.

The good thing is ex and OWW have all these Halloween parties and won't be attending. I get a reprieve.

[Zues126]

We're all on different paths but here's where my thoughts turn.

For me there are two heart breaking things in my life:

One is the loss of my marriage. We've all been through it, but you know me well enough to know that this impacted me as heavily as anyone. And you also know that not only have I had to accept that my marriage didn't turn out to be the relationship I had hoped for, I've also come to accept that type of relationship very well won't happen for me in my life.

The other tragedy for me is that no matter how hard I work on my pool game I can't get to the level I'd like. Or just as hard, that maybe I could if I had the opportunity but that I'll never find out. This is something only I know how deeply sorrowful this is for me.

In many ways these are parallel situations. Something isn't the way I wish it was, but it is still something. When my 6 year old wants cookies for desert and she gets an ice cream bar instead. It's still something. What has gotten me through is appreciation for what I have, and I firmly believe now that life isn't about getting what you want, it's about wanting what you get.

I told you I'd learned much of this from my divorce, but I've dealt with it with pool as well. One day I was beating myself up because a 16 year old from China ran 5 racks in a row to win a world championship in stunning fashion. I was 10 years older and had logged many more hours and hadn't gotten near that level. I was really discouraged until I realized this- if I have to go as far as to compare myself to a prodigy world champion on the other side of the globe in order to feel inferior, well, I must be striking the balls pretty well. I've learned to celebrate and enjoy the game I have despite it not being the game I set out to achieve.

You noticed this in your post to me and applauded my ability to do this. It wasn't an accident. I HAD to. It was either abandon my family to chase the dragon (not happening!), be perpetually heartbroken, quit pool, or kill myself. Or I could just learn to enjoy what I have.

Guess what? My friend struggles with the same thing, he quits pool, then misses it, then quits pool, then gets depressed. It's hard to watch. And when he does play he is tormented because it's not what he wants. Worst is when he convinces himself that he can do it, "I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it", trying to convince himself that this is America, the land of dreams, and if you want something bad enough you can get it, that even though he can only play once a week since it's him and he's special and he wants it so much somehow it will happen for him and he'll become an elite champion. This is so nonsensical that he has to spend all his energy in denial, denying the reality and impossibility of this because he wants it so bad that he has to chase a dream and tell himself it can come true. Then when reality comes bursting in there is a huge crash into depression again. He quits again and swears off the game because if he can't get what he really wants he doesn't want to play.

Well, the relationship thing is no different. There is a concept that isn't popular, that of "you might never end up with the relationship you crave". All of you here on the DBing site work very hard to dismiss that. We can talk about learning and growing and relationship skills and fixing our pickers and on and on and on, but when you just look at the real world and see how the game plays out it's clear that most paths don't lead to happily ever after the way I hear most people talk about it. To me this is the same thing as my buddy trying to hold on with white knuckles to the belief that he's going to be the world champion. It may be impossible for everyone else but he's him, he's special, he wants it more, he needs it, so it has to work out for him, right?!? I see the same thing as we sit here on a forum full of people who's partners left them, who's marriages broke down way before they fell apart, and in a culture and a society when almost zero of the partnerships we witness come close to the standards of our inner desires. Oh, I know, it is possible, I'm sure you can point to an example, just like my friend can point at the world champion and thereby rationalize that it is possible to make that happen as well. But maybe, just maybe, it doesn't happen for us in our lifetimes G.

That's a big bummer for sure. But it's not as big of a bummer as trying to convince ourselves everyday of a fairy tale ending and being horrified to our soul that reality keeps threatening to break through our denial and force us to contend with a loss we don't want to deal with.

I guess all of this is a long winded way of saying that I think for many of us the divorce is just one loss, that there is another loss which is the loss of our fantasy relationship we are sure is coming, and I believe most DBers are firmly in the denial stage of this loss. That we all process this differently, but that for me settling in to acceptance has helped. It still is a loss, it isn't what I wanted, just like my divorce and my pool game...but I can live with it and appreciate the good I have.

As for being tired, I feel you there. I can talk more about it in my thread sometime but I know what it means to feel tired. In my experience there are two ways to try to feel less tired: Take on less to spend less energy, or take on some things you love which gives you energy. The first option is ok at times, we all need a rest day to bum around. But number two is much better.

I could watch youtube videos of cats 12 hours a day and have my only responsibility be getting up to make my own lunch and I could find a way for that to be exhausting. Or I could lay in bed for a week and instead of feeling refreshed and ready to jump back into a busy world I'd feel a sense of dread that I didn't want to have to go back in the battle again.

On the other hand, I come to a pool tournament like this one and it wakes up forces in me I forgot about, passion, desires, all of these things. I can't wait to get home to work on my stroke, to set up more matches, to go to my next event. As you noticed I feel more alive than I have for a long time.

So my suggestion is not to try to take things off your plate or sleep a lot, but rather to try to make time to do some of those things that make you feel the way pool makes me feel. It recharges the battery.

I'm curious what those things are for you. Maybe dating could do that for you if you could take the pressure of the perfect relationship off, kind of like how pool does it for me if I can let go of the idea of being US Open Champion.

Not sure, just my thoughts today. Hang in there G. I'm off to work on my 'eye patterns'...;)

[doodler]

A wise man said, "If you're constantly ruminating, then you will miss your life."

[Ginger1]

Zues,

I read your post a few times on Friday. Then took a board break over the weekend. I want to first thank you for the time and understanding you put into it. I see what you are saying. I think losing the fantasy of what should be was the most crippling for me. It took me a long time to deal with it. With my M anyways.

I am OK with no fairytale. I am very much a realist which can be mistaken for a pessimist sometimes. Someone on the outside might have looked at me and FF R as not "perfect". It wasn't. We had some difference, some things that drove me nuts about him, and I am sure vice versa. But in the grand scheme of things, he respected me, he cared for me, and we enjoyed eachother's company. But I am not looking for the perfect fairytale R like some waywards I know in real life.

I have tried to get ok with being alone forever. It is simply not in my make-up. I thought about your posts regarding pool and the passion you have for it and what fuels my soul. I always thought I was an introvert, but what fuels my passion and soul are close intimate relationships. They make me lively. It's a part of who I am. Human connection. That part of me is also why I chose my profession and was very good at it. Nursing is human connection. And I don't even do that anymore. I realize I can appreciate what I have and still want what fuels me and I have passion for.

As far as the other things? Exercise was a great big part of my life. I can barely walk now. My knee is stiff, it's ROM stinks, walking is difficult, and lately every joint in my body has been causing me pain. My foot problem is back because of the way I am walking. I feel 90 year old. I feel awful. I always had aches and pain, but exercise always made them better and I loved seeing what my body could do. It felt so good.

Pursing other interests is a catch 22. I have my daughter most of the time. Our weekday night is not consistent. I cannot commit to something I cannot bring D10 to. I have no family and I can't afford a babysitter once a week. I go to PT 3 times a week and she comes. I have been living this way my whole life. I am glad we don't do 50/50 for my sake. Plus he doesn't want it. But with zero family to help, it is all always me. And bless her soul for being such a good sport tagging along with me to play volleyball or going to the gym or PT. I certainly can't expect anymore from her.

As you can see, none of my needs are being met. I realize I live for everyone else but myself. I realize as a mother, that is a sacrifice we make. But my life has essentially revolved around what ex and OW decided for me. I have only chosen to make the best of the situation. But I am struggling big time.

Doodler is right, I am ruminating a lot. Right now I don't have much of a life, though, lol. Last IC session I realized something scary. I am traumatized. By My childhood, by my younger adulthood, and by the mistreatment by my ex. I played it off for so many years that nothing ever affected me and I'm just fine. That I am strong as nails.

But I am not just fine. Everything that happened to me has really affected me. You now how abuse victims forget to not deal with the pain? Well, I realized I couldn't tell my stories because I would rather not deal with the reality. That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I.

So I am terrified of reliving the same R that ex and I had. I chose carefully in that respect.

But I know fantasies don't exist. I don't need perfect and I never did. I just need respect, love and little stability.

Maybe one day.

[Georgiabelle]

Oh wow. I think the universe wanted me to see this thread as it’s been a bit since I’ve been here. I’m sorry you are having a tough time, G. Hopefully PT is going well but I’m sure you miss being able to do some things you enjoy.

Highjack alert...Zeus, I agree with you on many levels about how profoundly some of us were affected by a divorce. Yes, all affected but some in different ways. I believe very much in marriage and secretly feel excited for someone celebrating an anniversary or new love. And although I like having a partner, I simply no longer want that and I struggle with it. It makes no sense to me-well perhaps it does. I just don’t like it. It confuses me on a very primal level. I wish I felt differently. Maybe one day.

I think I believe that people are just so freaking exhausting. Not all, but so many people suffer from so many issues that while I sympathize, I’m not sure I have the fortitude to handle. I dunno. This post resonated with me in a way I can’t totally articulate.

Wishing everyone a happy Halloween.

[JujuB]

I too believe very much in marriage and commitment. And MWD's books are great books for people in marriages that are dealing with the universal husband/wife issues.

But most of what we were dealing with and healing from were not universal issues. They were clear cut abuse,betrayal and severe dysfunction from the people that we gave our lives to. Jerry Springer type stuff.

"That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I"

Yes, Yes, Yes! This comment many of us can relate to. I know I do. I am constantly going over and over in my mind different things my ex said or did.

Ginger, I really think respect, love, and stability are out there. It exists. And there is absolutely no reason why it wont exist for you. You are stable, respectful, warm, and loving. And usually the universe gives back to us what we project. I think its natural to want a healthy romantic relationship. And I really truly think it will happen for you. There are like minded people out there.

[doodler]

But I am not just fine. Everything that happened to me has really affected me. You now how abuse victims forget to not deal with the pain? Well, I realized I couldn't tell my stories because I would rather not deal with the reality. That some things actually happened and I am actually traumatized for the way exH treated me. I was telling the IC some stories and she was cringing and so was I.

Ginger,

I'm certainly not qualified to make a diagnosis, but I wonder if you suffer from chronic latent (masked) depression. There's a fair amount of evidence that the efficacy of antidepressants declines over the long-term. In recent years, there's been an increased interest in the use of ketamine, MDMA and other psychedelics (yep) for the treatment of depression. It might be worth looking into that kind of treatment. If your world looks brighter, you'll be happier and you'll be less likely to jump into an unhealthy relationship.

Of course, I also recommend copious consumption of hummus for all of life's woes. Unfortunately, the end result is stinky farts and the subsequent alienation of friends and family. Beware of hummus addiction.

[25yearsmlc]

Ginger, stop by my thread if you want, b/c I've been struggling with some "loopy" thoughts at night and saw a doctor yesterday.

[quote=Ginger1]Zues,
-

I am OK with no fairytale. I am very much a realist which can be mistaken for a pessimist sometimes. -

I have tried to get ok with being alone forever. It is simply not in my make-up.


okay so this^^ is You saying on one hand, you have an innate need (which I understand)

AND that you are "okay with being alone forever." That = you will not have your needs met.

Oh dear Ginger, this IS pessimistic and I swear, not realistic. - geez for MY sake, I hope it's not.

-are close intimate relationships. They make me lively. It's a part of who I am. Human connection. That part of me is also why I chose my profession and was very good at it. Nursing is human connection. And I don't even do that anymore. I realize I can appreciate what I have and still want what fuels me and I have passion for.


if you really don't want to do nursing anymore - I mean, really, IF - that might be a reflection of an underlying depression that needs treating.

Are you getting treated? I mean, by an MD?

As far as the other things? Exercise was a great big part of my life.- \\\

You will get exercise back in some form if you choose to.


Pursing other interests is a catch 22. I have my daughter most of the time. Our weekday night is not consistent.


Ginger, please do not accept this^^ as status quo and be stuck. There is choice for you to exercise.

You can change this^^^. Either get your ex to commit to a specific night - which is a normal reasonable expectation (!!) and he has her little as it is

OR get his financial help to pay for a sitter on a regular night. This is also a normal, reasonable expectation.

and I believe with all my heart that your D would benefit from this in the long run.

Hey, maybe Tell your favorite bff (your ex's wife) you know "she wants to be fair..."

geez, maybe HER parents can take care of THEIR grandchild....even as I write that it makes me laugh and shudder in horror at the same time.

But let their idiocy benefit you if it can.

If you don't GAL and detach, it's harder to bring new people into your life, isn't it?

seems to me it's hard for a man to enter your life inserting himself in the living room to make an instant family with no "couple" activities planned, no way to build an identity as a couple b/c you might have your D anytime your ex won't or says he can't.

There are other reasons for you to GAL, than meeting a man, obviously. But in a way you are still letting your ex call the shots.

I worry you won't be able to GAL much if you cannot schedule time as a single woman on a regular basis.

in effect that is what you are saying.



I cannot commit to something I cannot bring D10 to. I have no family and I can't afford a babysitter once a week.


you must involve her dad.
too many "I can't"s are in there^^^.




I go to PT 3 times a week and she comes. I have been living this way my whole life. I am glad we don't do 50/50 for my sake. Plus he doesn't want it. But with zero family to help, it is all always me.


And bless her soul for being such a good sport tagging along with me to play volleyball or going to the gym or PT. I certainly can't expect anymore from her.



what does that mean? She's a good sport, God knows.
But if she knew she had a sitter (b/c we assume her dad or his wife won't step up to the plate?)
and she liked that sitter

how would one night be HER giving more? Honestly I think she'd learn to love it and value it.

Having a 3rd party affirm our children is not taking away something from them. It's adding.

That^^ is what I told myself when dropping the kids off at the nanny's and I feel validated b/c I had a great woman helping. My kids are on fb with her 25 years later...

plus you have to teach HER how to set boundaries or she will grow up and think all of her life is to support and revolve around others

and she won't know what it looks like to discover her needs and prioritize them.

You are the model for that. (OR she can be self centered and oblivious to other's needs and be like her dad...)

you are her only model for emotional and mental health and kindness in r's.



As you can see, none of my needs are being met. I realize I live for everyone else but myself. I realize as a mother, that is a sacrifice we make. But my life has essentially revolved around what ex and OW decided for me. I have only chosen to make the best of the situation. But I am struggling big time.



I hear you. But Making "the best of the situation" is not really what's happening.

Can you see that?

How might you change things?