Hi Gordie, you've received some stellar advice from others already. I just wanted to chime in with the astonishing mindset of the MLCer who's thinking gets so skewed.
Really - you're texting your H one minute saying I miss you. And simultaneously making plans with OM2??
XH did similar when we met up after BD. Told me afterwards that he felt swept away by me and wanted to hold my hand. Found out much later he already had flights booked to visit OW just a few days later. My boundary with him was rock solid at that point and that is so important - I never regretted not getting reeled in.
Fact is, you are a good ways away from any sort of reconciliation with OM on the scene. Your best shot is if she knows that you genuinely have had enough of the current situation and are moving forward solidly without her - fully prepared to rebuild and move on in time.
I think you're doing great by the way xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Gordie, I agree with Sotto - you are doing splendidly in a horrible situation. Keep being the rock for your children and yes, time to shut down the full service bakery.
What you do now is focus on you. Focus on your beautiful children. Keep doing what you're doing. Hold firm. You got this. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you for the much needed encouragement. How can she say she misses me when she is choosing to spend all her time with OM2???
***
Journaling:
So I finally did what the DB coach and all of you especially Ginger have been telling me for a while. I left the kids with stbx and said I’d be back the next day. I did feel awkward about doing this and wondered what the kids would think. I went out with friends and had fun.
Stbx was texting through the night and I didn’t respond. I was met with the following comments the next day:
I miss you.
I still love you.
I want you to talk to me.
I want to spend time with you.
I’m confused about what I want.
To these statements, I just say ok or say nothing. I feel like she is going to press me for a R talk this weekend but I don’t really want to engage. If pressed, whar do I say?
I want to be your H not your friend. I do not want to be in a R with you while you are in a R with another man. When you say ILY and I miss you, it contradicts your actions.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I would go ballistic on her. In no uncertain terms I would convey that OM has to be out of the picture and total transparency. Phone available to you, no locks, no hidden apps, aboulute disclosure.
I think that is perfect . I also think you should not talk if you don’t want to. Just be honest and I’m sorry Vapo I don’t think going off on her is going to help the cause. It may be satisfying but will only make her defensive and run in the other direction feeling even more justified. I would stay as calm as possible and state how I honestly feel with as little emotion as possible and if I couldn’t do that I would say sorry Stbx but I’m not ready to have this conversation with you right now. If you really love me you will give me space right now.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
This is the epic Push/Pull dance and not surprising at all. Gordie I have been there and when you just know that the 'talk' is coming as sad as it is what you say is really not that important, they seldom actually hear you, but I have learned its more about your approach and the way you engage in such exchanges. Her pressing for a talk is simply to make sure you are placed firmly on that shelf where she left you and don't you dare move.
I received almost to the letter the same type of text. along with a "Don't hate me because this is a very confusing time in my life right now"
I think just having some bullet points and truth darts on standby is the way to go ... worked for me tbh, there was little chance for my intentions to be misunderstood fog or no fog.
I will not live in an open marriage I will not be mistreated nor disrespected, and your current actions are disrespectful to me, our marriage and our family. I will not accept a demotion, nor have any intentions of being your 'friend' ... (I do not keep friends who lie, cheat and steal.)
Your points and truths may be similar ... thing that is important is you say your peace, get up and leave... no screaming, no emotion, no drawn out talks... handle it like a business meeting. You have things to do and a life to move on with and she has some hard decisions to make so you should give her plenty of time to make them.
I know it sounds stern and cold .. but its how you will have to be until she decides she wants to roll up the sleeves and do the work. How this happens is a discussion for later when and if she wants to sit at the "How do I help repair this marriage with you" table.
You are handling all this very well, its a rough thing to go through and even harder this time of year.
Gordie - What is it that YOU want that you believe is achievable.
My son asked me last night what I wanted for Christmas - I asked for a time machine.
My own opinion is that if you want to set yourself free is that you should keep serving up the cake until the agreement is signed and then close the bake-shop. This is not the consensus opinion here though. Closing early seems to have caused confusion and perhaps jeopardized the deal. Be vague and non-committal about the future.
If you truly want to reconcile in the short term, then some hard and tough words as Vapo suggests might be in order. She's not likely to be responsive in a positive way to that though and the clock is ticking. It may cause her to take action herself to put an end to things - but at what cost financially and emotionally and the kids are in the blast radius.
A third path of an "I can't take this any more" from you and moving out into a hotel is an option as well. It shuts down debate, makes things clear.
You need to chart your own path through this and man-o-man is it tough going. None of us are experts at this stuff.
Good luck - we're all rooting for Team Gordie.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
What would that discussion bring other than another round of cake?
It is her divorce. Get it signed off on this week as you said. But ultimately there has to be an end to the cake eating (again I remind you I've been trying to get a settlement agreement signed that we had three meetings about and incorporated only what we discussed. It is going on a year now and not a single comment on the draft). So playing nice until you get that signed only works if it can be signed quickly.
She would love to continue forever playing mom, "living" in the house (she already said she wants to live there post-D), and having whomever on the side. When you finally show her that you are moving on, she starts turning back.
Keep showing her. She isn't miraculously fixed and even a promise now not to see OM isn't going to work. You'll just become the marriage police (I did this for 10 months, worst time of my life).
Find that movie dialog 25 is always quoting about you mean I'm supposed to ignore her whether I want to be with her or not.
Unless you can continue what you've been doing indefinitely (cause I think she can), take action and really make her feel the definitive nature of those consequences.
OwnIt has given you excellent advice. Please re-read her posting and then make plans on what you want to do w/your life and the lives of your children. One thing that will need to change, if you divorce, she won't be living under the same roof as you and your family and she will need to face reality and find a place of her own.
They can't have their cake and eat it too. At some point, she's going to discover that the dish is empty and the cake is gone. It's time to start taking away the cake, crumb by crumb.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You know I might completely take the wind out of her sails by saying yes I’d like to talk - it is to our mutual advantage to sign this divorce agreement now. We can discuss your emotional confusion after we sign ...
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
