Thank you. I think that’s a solid, succinct suggestion without getting into the detIls:
“It wasn’t my decision and it’s not what I wanted for my family.”
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Just joining the chorus. Tell your parents in person. Only tell them "technical" information. Custody, living arrangements, child support, etc. Let them ask the questions they want. Wait until you can't wait any longer to tell them. When you're preparing to move perhaps.
I noticed the last statement of your letter "And no, I am not in another relationship." Don't get preemptively defensive. I do the same d@mn thing myself! I anticipate these things I don't want to deal with or hear and I supply answers or rebuttals to things people haven't said or done yet.
If FIL calls you, IMO you only need to divert him to your STBXW. Calmly & firmly let him know that it's better if he asks his daughter for an explanation of what happened. By doing so, you are placing the ball in her court, which makes you appear comfortable with your own version of the truth and therefore not rushing to explain things to him.
He may return to you after speaking with her for further explanation. Just state your side of things as vaguely as possible with total honesty. Do not mention MLC - if you can't go into detail about how MLC rewires a person's brain, the person listening may not get it. Let FIL figure out the problem.
Over time he will see you as the steady one and his daughter on the crazy train. Getting D'd from you is one of the many bad decisions she's making in this chapter of her life. Her father will get to see her make more.
I love love love Kyh's advice. Spot on in both parts.
Just a reminder in case you might need to hear this - you are entitled to your privacy about this situation if you choose. You owe no explanation to nobody. You did not choose this path, you are only trying to deal with this as best as a father can.
Thinking of you as I have a pint of Guinness later. Hang on.
Last edited by job; 11/15/1710:01 AM. Reason: edited a word
M: 49, W: 45 T: 22 M: 15 S14, S11, S9 BD: Jan '16 W files: Oct '16 D final: June '18
I have not heard from anyone in his family. The kids did not even get a Xmas card or birthday card from 3 sets of grandparents for the first time ever.
Try not to disaster plan. If he calls, just have a conversation. I also see the defensiveness in your proposed email to your parents. If you don't think they will be supportive, just hold off. Now is one of the hardest times you will face. Please be gentle with yourself and use your support system.
One other thing Gordie - I've learned that everyone has an opinion about people's divorces. The truth is, no one's opinion matters but your own. Remember that. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
1. Yes, I am defensive because the last time I spoke to my mom she assumed I was the one cheating and walking away. I think you are right that I don’t really have the emotional energy to deal with them now. I can deal with them later when I have more stable footing.
2. Re FIL, agree I should just refer him to STBX. No idea how she will spin things but in the end it doesn’t really matter. And you are right, why am I disaster planning? It’s how my mind is spinning these days.
3. Thank you for the reminder that I have a right to my own privacy. I don’t have to tell anyone anything. Even my mom who is always digging for dirt. Why do I feel the need to explain myself? (A) Stbx was a saint and no one self included could imagine that she could do what she has done. (B) I am no saint and most self included assume if someone did something, it would be me. (C) We were the model coupl/family in our community and church and I feel we’ve let a lot of people down. In the end, I can’t even give a satisfactory explanation to myself. How can I possibly try to give one to others?
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie, honey, you don't need to give a satisfactory explanation. No one is entitled to invade your privacy. Also, you didn't leave. Period. End of story. In my book the one who left is the one who ought to face the brunt of this.
Yes, I understand feeling you let people down. I've felt that way too. But, we didn't let anyone down. We did our best in a situation where the cards were already stacked against us.
You have the absolute right to your own privacy. You can simply turn the conversation in a different direction when people start to ask uncomfortable questions. A simple, "Thank you for asking, I'm fine. How are you?" can often turn things back around. For the really persistent, there's the old, "I'm not comfortable talking about this, but I do thank you for your concern."
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you. Yes. I don’t owe anyone an explanation. And yes, I can say “I don’t feel comfortable taking about this” or “I’d rather not talk about it”.
Journaling:
Stbx still hasn’t signed the agreement yet. She’s had it for a week with all the modifications we agreed upon. Since she brought OM2 her baked goods over the weekend, she has been acting all nice to me. Calling, texting, and doing stuff to be nice. No late nights or overnights. I have been friendly but aloof, keeping my distance, not engaging, busy with the kids and my own life.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Gordie - Samuel Clemens (Mark Twain) once famously said "History doesn't repeat but it often rhymes".
This sounds like your STBX's actions some months ago where she wanted a divorce but didn't want to do any of the work for it.
The "why's" of this are probably beyond our abilities to understand but I think that the facts are that if you are wanting this bus to leave the station, you will have to drive. Now, I'm not sure what that means but your lawyer may have some opinions on some actions that could bear some weight.
She's baking a huge pile of cakes right now in your kitchen and feeding them to OM (literally).
Just my opinion wrapped in a 2X4.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I am driving the bus now. All she has to do is sign. If she doesn’t, then I’ll have to take her to court. It’s not what I want to do, but I want to get out of limbo. I do not want to be in an open M. My boundary has been violated. I love 2x4s.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I am driving the bus now. All she has to do is sign. If she doesn’t, then I’ll have to take her to court. It’s not what I want to do, but I want to get out of limbo. I do not want to be in an open M. My boundary has been violated. I love 2x4s.
This ... well done Gordie
As far as other people asking, that's a tough one. Early on I seemed to take on the protector role and all but lied to protect her honor thinking we would be back together and I would have less to answer for. Then as the cycles softened, I grew, and I became less of the Nice Guy and more Cali 2.0 I did not feel I needed to lie, nor tell all .... I simply would say you can ask her, not my story to tell.
Bottom line, none of us asked for this ... but there is a high road and nothing is gained by fueling the gossip train that does seem to latch onto the MLCr engine.
