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Update:

So stbx came to talk about the D agreement and there are more things she wants to change. No change on the 50-50 on custody but it’s just more back and forth on the financial side of things. And then we had a long R discussion, summary below:

W: I don’t know if I want to D. Why can’t I have you and OM2? Or why can’t you stay here after we D? I’m sorry I’ve hurt you. You have become a different, better person (she listed specific things she liked better about G 2.0). If you had made these changes years ago, things would be different. You are my best friend. That’s the best part of our R. Maybe we’re just not sexually compatible. Why dont your respond to my physical advances any more? Do you think we could rebuild our M?

G: I want to be your H not your friend. I will not be in an open M or three way R. You asked some time ago for us to stop our physical R and I have honored that. If we get D, then I am moving out. I want my own space and my own life separate from you. Re sexual compatibility, I have asked myself the same question and I don’t have an answer for you. We never openly communicated about our sexual desires. If we had done that, then our sexual R would have been very different. We can’t stay M if you are pursuing other men. If you were willing to recommit to our M, then we could build a new R but it would take a lot of work.

Thanks to all of you. If I didn’t have all of you, then I would not have been able to have that discussion as confidently as I was able to do.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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Gordie Offline OP
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Ginger,

You were absolutely right. She wants it all right now: me and OM2. And I’m not giving her that option and now she doesn’t know what to do.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Joined: Nov 2016
Posts: 2,605
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SJohn6,

Wow, you read all my threads? That must have taken a long time. I have read others full threads which I do find helpful. I’m glad mine were helpful to you. God knows all of the advice and 2x4s here have been life-saving to me.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Well done Gordie - you have been well briefed! Not an easy convo, but I don't believe you will regret those responses my friend.

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Excellent reply to W. Glad yourecognise thatyou are ableto have difficultconversations confidently.

Maybe you should close the door a little further on a futureR with W,, at least appear to her. At the moment she thinks you willttakeher backunfer certain conditions. So you are still available. Add doubt to her whetheryyou wouldwant to restart any R with her.

Just my slight adjustment. Taking nothing away from how wellyou did.

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Excellent job Gordie! I hope you are also talking to your DB Coach. Truth is, if you re-build this marriage it's going to have to be a completely new relationship. hard to do, but not impossible.

Keep being true to yourself. You're not alone, we're all here and you are making us proud by standing for yourself in such a respectful, yet firm manner. xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Excellent job, Gordie! Your DB Coach has and is continuing to help guide you.

As bttrfly said, if you do rebuild your marriage, it will need to be rebuilt from the ground up, i.e., brand new relationship.

Continue as you have been and know that we are all here for you.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Gordie Offline OP
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Sotto, Roist, Butterfly, Job,

Thanks for all the support and encouragement. I am proud of how I handled myself but am now wondering...what if she refuses to sign?

Do I just give her more time and space?

I have read about others whose spouses won’t sign and never understood that,,,but now that’s my reality. What to do?

My L says I shouldn’t move out until this is signed so I feel kind of stuck and controlled by my stbx.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie - I'm not a lawyer, but I will occasionally play one on the internet <smile>.

One thing that struck me about my separation agreement vs the usual commercial contracts that I've read is how in the separation agreement that the clauses are considered "severable" - that is, each of them can exist independently. In most commercial contracts if one clause is invalidated the whole thing is tossed out.

It may be a higher legal spend, but perhaps check with your lawyer to see if you can get an agreement in place now for the things you "DO" agree on and then deal with the other pieces later? Perhaps those remaining pieces will be of the sort that allow you to move out and begin rebuilding while that is sorted out.

Again - not a lawyer here and this might not be a path for you.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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