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Sheesh! What is she? Three years old? You may recall the Latin phrase "in vino veritas" - I think that in anger that certain truths are also said. Sometimes they are also ones that we wish we could take back. In her case, she's told you that she's not going to sign anything and she's not going to let you go of her free will.

I do worry that if she were to up the battle that she might try to weaponize the kids. She is being selfish and doesn't have the same sort of support structure around her that you do that says that is a truly bad idea.

I think you should start working under the assumption that she's not going to sign any darned thing any time soon and you need to do what is best for you and your children. What that may be, I don't know.

At one time I had a vision of dropping all of my STBX's stuff off in OM's driveway with divorce papers on top of it and a note "She's your problem now" laugh


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Hi Gordie,
Wow. I'm sorry that happened. My first thought was about this kids, what did they hear, if anything and what did they make of it.

I think that if there's any way you could carve out quiet time and space from her over the next day or so, that would be good. I didn't see it as issuing an ultimatum. I saw it as you are done, period, end of story and this is your hard boundary. Hey, sorry if this isn't DB friendly but we all have limits and boundaries and enough is enough. You'll know when the line is crossed.

What she does with this boundary matters far less than what you will do with it, frankly. I get that you needed to draw the line in the sand, with no room for misinterpretation. If there is a concern about 2018 tax issues which could adversely affect your agreement, do all you can to sign now. Protect yourself, your kids, your assets. As Kml has said to others, you can always re-marry later. Good, pragmatic advice.

Hang in there. Do not act from a place of emotion. xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
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That this too, was a gift."
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Gordie,

That was so DB! I am so incredibly proud of you, not feeding her cake! You have been calm and cool as a cucumber and you have emotion and you needed to shout this at her. What you said was all extremely reasonable. She is having a tantrum when she isn't getting what she wants, yet she is not willing to put the work in. She is being a big baby. Let her be. Just like we show our kids, certain actions have consequences.

I'm proud of ya. I have been proud of you all along, you really are good at this. But I know you had some emotion that needed to get out, some anger, and I think you did it in the best conceivable way!

You're my hero, actually.

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Job—you are right. Not making any decisions while angry and hurt and emotional. Yes, I’m going to take my time and cool down. And yes, she’s still cooking. Re ultimatums, I get what you are saying and no, don’t think she’d respond well. Re mapping out what it would take to work things out, that did come up last night. I said step one is to choose me and forsake all others (those pesky marriage vows). I will not remain M to you if you are pursuing other men. I said then we would need to work on our individual issues and our M issues, including the sexual ones. But having this conversation in a shouting match in the wee hours of the morning was probably not effective.

Re the sexual ones, I’m not talking about anything crazy here. We usually had sex a few times a week for 20+ years and it became boring and routine. I didn’t complain. She didn’t complain. We didn’t discuss and we didn’t work on it. Then at BD it was I can’t do this any more. I want passion = I want sex with OM1. Recently, this has been her big issue. What if we aren’t sexually compatible? I think she wants me to have sex with her to see what it feels like compared to OM2. No, I will not do that.

Ownit—I understand. I did say something along those lines last night. Even if you don’t sign the D papers, I’m still planning to move out. It wasn’t an ultimatum but I was very clear.

AndrewP—I don’t think she’s going to weaponize the kids but I made it crystal clear how wrong I thought it was for her to be taking our kids out with OM2. And yes, I think our are right in that she’s not planning to sign. Sigh.

Butterfly—thank you. In hindsight, I’m actually glad it happened. No, I don’t like to shout but there is a time and a place for it and I think I handled myself as well as possible under the circumstances. And yes, I’ve gotta cool off before making any decisions.

Ginger—you are so awesome! You have such a good handle on how I think and feel. Are you my guardian angel? And yes, she is acting like a big baby right now and the cake shop is closed. You guys warned me things may get worse before they get better and here we are.

***

Journaling:

So stbx came to my room in the morning while I was still sleeping and came to hug me. I wake up and she says thank you for talking to me last night. You have been so distant. I love you. I say: I don’t know what to say to you.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie,

She is something else! To come into your room this morning after that discussion last night, hug you and say I love you, just confirms to me that she's a mess and either isn't listening to what you said or she thinks you are bluffing and won't file. She doesn't realize that it only takes one to set the divorce in motion and go from there.

If you can control your emotions and not allow the situation to get you to the point of shouting, you might, and I mean might, be able to get her to "hear you" better if you can go somewhere quiet and talk to her in a calm, even tone...but this woman isn't ready to give up on you or her fun side. But...I do think you've been more than honest and fair with her all along. Now, you have to put your focus on you and your children and what you need to do to find that inner peace and be able to move forward. People say all of the time that the divorce decree is nothing more than a piece of paper and that is so true...but the bottom line is this...it may be a piece of paper, but time can and will change things including how we view our spouses and while they are circling the earth, we may discover that we don't like the people that they've turned into and may find someone new who is more apt to be better companions to us. Time will tell...but Gordie, you do what you must to keep your sanity.

You've stated quite firmly what you will and will not tolerate, time will tell if any of that conversation has sunk in. In the meantime...continue to move forward...you've got a lot of life to live and whether she wakes up, wants to reconcile or you want to move on completely...the final decision will be all yours.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Gordie,

I have no advice to offer but to say that your strength gives me strength. I know this is excruciating to live through, but in reading through it, it sounds like you know what you are doing and are doing it well...even if it doesn't feel like it from the inside looking out.

I'd like to join the ranks of team Gordie. GO TEAM GORDIE!!


Me: 45 yrs
W: 43 yrs
Together: 20 yrs
Married: 15 yrs
Son: 19 yrs
Daughter: 18 yrs
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TEAM GORDIE FOR SURE!!!

Gordie, stay strong my friend. I can't offer any advice due to the fact that you seem to be doing much better than I would at that point. You have worked on yourself hard over the last several months and it shows. You are an inspiration.

I hope you and your kids have a blessed Christmas.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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wow. coming in first thing in the morning huh? she is really pushing ... we may all need to pitch in and send you a chastity belt to protect your virtue!!

Good for you, Team Gordie 1000% xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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I'll chip in £10 Bttrfly grin

Gordie, from all that you post, I see you gathering strength and functioning with self-control. That's progress. After BD, we are so desperate we'd do pretty much anything to get things back on track. But I think you have got to a place where you accept this could go either way and you aren't willing to enter into the kind of arrangement on offer.

I also see your W starting to think - oh boy, I may actually have gone to far here and I may actually get what I thought I wanted - and now I'm not that sure what I want. Really I wanted it all and Gordie isn't falling in with that plan - arghh...

So, she is stepping up and trying to reel you in. My guess would be if she reeled you in at this stage, and she felt reassured, she would lose interest. And you would have a rollercoaster ride. From what I have read, the WAS needs to have a pretty seismic and fundamental realisation that pretty much brings them to their knees before a potentially sustainable reconciliation is really possible.

From what you post, your W isn't in that place at all - there is much more an air of entitlement about her. She wants X and Y and is put out that things aren't going to unfold that way.

So, I guess I'm saying that whilst you may worry about pulling further away. This is actually the path to a sustainable reconciliation - which may or may not happen, we just don't know.

Stay strong in any case my friend...xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Thank you Gordie, I stick around after all these years hoping I can help someone. I feel like I have seen so much on these boards and I am almost always right on how these things play out.

Truth be told, I have a soft spot for you, Gordie! I have a real soft spot on these boards for stand-up guys being treated like sh!t or toys, or even options. Probably because all I wanted in life was a decent husband and great father to my kids. I can not for the life of me figure out why someone in their right mind would give that up for a thrill. (it's probably because they aren't in their right mind) I may think differently because my longest R was 9 years and that was with my exH and since the separation, I have dated, but my longest R has been 6 months. But the way I look at it now, stability, understanding, honesty, and love IS the thrill for me! but I digress, enough about me.

I really think we should get Team Gordie shirts made! I know this is an awful time of the year and I know many would have caved to their WAS saying "ILY" and trying to have sex with them, and YOU DIDN'T!!!! That is super hero status. You didn't because you don't want it. You don't want to feel used. Because you know you are the ONLY choice, and not an option.

You resolve is because of the man you are becoming and the DBing work you have done. YOu value yourself. It's a wonderful thing.

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