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Kyh Offline
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Hi Gordie,

You’re doing good with this, your responses to your w sound calm and firm.

In regard to your question, I think only you can decide. After reading what she said to you I wouldn’t be surprised if she holds out to see how you respond to her crazy wants/cake eating. Take your attorney’s advice about not moving out there Krio you find out why, in some states I think it can be grounds to claim you abandoned the house.

Keep up the good work and stay strong

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Gordie Offline OP
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AndrewP—I hadn’t thought of that and will ask my L.

K—thank you. I know and that’s why I feel trapped. Moving out will hurt my child custody claim so I can’t.

Journaling:

One day at a time. It was a tough day. I tried to keep my chin up and give myself pep talks all day but deep down I was hurting. Hearing stbx tell me she doesn’t know if she wants to D and that she wants me and OM2 threw me for a loop. I think my expectations were finally down to zero and somehow this raises them. But I don’t want to be in competition. I want to be the only choice. She is playing with my head and heart. Somehow it’s easier to be outright rejected. I can’t sleep. I miss having a woman who loves me and cares about me and holds me. I was tempted to reach out to her today but I resisted.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Hi Gordie, I'm sorry you had a rough day and I can see that must have thrown you for a loop. To move from 'I'm done' to 'hey maybe I can have an open marriage with you' - rough...

I think you did well and in your heart you know that being involved with her whilst she is involved with OM is the worst possible scenario. Much better to keep your boundaries intact and move solidly forward. Fact is, just now your W has become someone you wouldn't even consider dating..

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I do want to tell you that further down the road a lovely woman will come into your life - because - of the way you have handled yourself through all of this. Lovely women are attracted to that...

Take Gordie and I hope the weekend is better for you. Are you leaving W in charge sometimes and getting out yourself?

Xx


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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That is a big question and one only you get to answer. Of coursewe will share our thoughts though........

The D as she envisaged it is not working out as she thought. Nowshe is thinking that the status quo is better so no rush to change. She has the two worlds she wanted, so it's not so bad for her.

OM is not likely to likethis situation dragging on and often couldpressure W to commit fully. That will strain them. But as he alreadybegan a R with a married woman with loads of kids, his normal compass must be off too, so who really knows.

But that is secondary. What you want is primary. Take the time to figure this out.

I am no specialist but what I see as a worse situation is away turning around and saying she wants to stay married. Don't get me wrong. That is a great objective. But if it happens now I doubt it would take more than six months for her to flip to the other side again.

So I am saying she is no where near ready to R with you. She isn't someone you would want to R with either. So for me any R is off the cards until she proves it is feasible.

So that leaves continuing limbo or pushing forward.
Limbo [censored] but as we all know this will take time. So n in a way
you are gaining time. And there is always a chance albeit slim, that the could just turn around.

However can you or would you want to or even could you live that way?

There are many good arguments to deciding that this situation does not suit you and to push forward towards separate paths. Ultimately that is often what tilts the balance back in favour of the lbs. But usually not immediately. Often it is long after that this decision becomes attractive to WAS because itwas a strong decision done kindly but firmly. Initially it is received badly because they aren't getting what they want.

Food for thought.......

Best wishes


R 25 years
M 14 years
S11 & S13
Working on it alone since Oct 2014
M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years)
Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr.
Next R chat Aug'17
Still together
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Gordie Offline OP
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Sotto and Roist,

You are right. I’ve gotta tough this out. No, I do not want to be married to a woman who doesn’t know up from down. You are torn between your life with me and fantasy land with your POS OM2? Ugh. Question is can I get her to sign without taking her to court?

Journaling:

Well, I have been continuing as I have been. Recent conversation I realize does not change anything. Need to bring expectations back to zero. NC except for kids and money and divorce stuff. I have resisted initiating anything or responding to calls or texts. I assume she is spending time her time outside the house with OM2 but I don’t ask and she doesn’t tell. She came to me once as I was walking out the door with the kids going to a birthday party and she was on the verge of tears and said she needed to talk to me. Given the circumstances I just pleasantly said okay and walked out. No idea what the happens next. I am tempted to say:

If you can’t decide between me and OM2, then please let me go. Months ago, you asked me to let you go and I did. Now I ask the same of you. Sign the divorce papers and let me go. I deserve to pursue my own happiness just as much as you are and I can’t move on/out until we D.

Reflecting back upon how much time she spent with me this summer and playing family, I now believe that it was after with EA with OM1 died and before PA with OM2 started. That would make her behavior more understandable to me now. Maybe things with OM2 are waning, so now she is coming back to me again? I have nothing to prove this, but it seems that has happened to others around here.

P.S. She asked if we could sleep on the same bedroom again and I said no.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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stay strong. you're doing great in miserable circumstances. very impressive! xoxoxo i'm proud of you! xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Hey Gordie
As Bttrfly said. Stay strong. You are a better man keeping your boundaries. I know its hard to resist the idea of sharing the bed once again with your W. Shes not there yet. Xmas time is tough on them and she might be feeling you pulling away. You can't accept an open relationship. It would make you the other man.

If her relationship with OM2 is dying. Once it does, she will need time alone to process it all and not jump back to you too fast. You will need to work hard together if any true rebuild is possible. I don't see that as a quick fix. Stand tall and strong as temptation will make it difficult to resist. If she is not completely baked.. stay clear.

keep up the amazing job with your kids.


M51
XW43 (38 at bd)
BD1 MAY 30 2015
BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text
moved out Aug 2 2015
left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20)
Her divorce Final July 26 2016
Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
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Gordie,

The holidays bring out a lot of good memories for them and they want that "pull" for just a while. Once the holidays are over, it's back to their normal MLC behavior. Also, I don't know about your state, but if you are sleeping w/your wife, the clock stops on the time of separation and it will have to be reactivated if she leaves again. I found that out when my I was going through my separation/divorce because I asked that question just to be on the safe side.

Listen to the advice of others. Irish has given you some good advice about the fact of a relationship dying. If it is dying or has died, she will need time alone to process it and you don't want to be the rebound for just a little while. She needs to face all of this on her own and, if and when she's ready to do the hard work to earn your trust and be a wife, companion and mother again. Don't be too quick to welcome her back into your bed...leave her to finish baking. She's half way there.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Hey Gordie,

I do think you did really well. You are in a really tough place, but you are valuing yourself which is soooo important.

I agree with Irish and Job. You don't want her to come back because she had to choose between the two of you. She needs to choose to drop everything because its the right thing to do, not just out of fear. I am afraid that if she doesn't get "well", she will pull the same stuff once she finds a new OM. She needs to come back down to earth before you can rebuild your M to a healthy place.

And yes, there is something about the holidays. Someone very close to me began rethinking the H she left, admittedly because the holidays does that to her. I told her unless she is serious and this will extend past the holidays not to comfort yourself with him, because it is truly not fair to him.

You are worth more than holiday lonliness. You deserve to have someone who wants ALL of you, not bits and pieces.

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Gordie Offline OP
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Butterfly, Irish. Job and Ginger,

Thanks for being a voice of reason. No, she is not ready to R. And I hadn’t considered the holiday effect on her. I just sense things shifting and not sure how to handle it. Not believing what she says but here are the observations from the last two weeks:

No overnight outings

No child outings with OM2

Refusing to sign the D papers

Asking us to move back in together

Asking me to talk and spend time with her

One of you asked how long could I keep this up because she could keep this up for a long time. That’s a really good question and I’m struggling with how to answer it.

Several of you pointed out that she’s trying to reel me back in. Yes, she has her hook firmly planted in my mouth and is pulling. Artista and Sandi2 both pointed to a phase where they were still involved with their OM at some level but also playing their Hs. Sadly, I think this is where I am.

Some days I want to rip my hair out and scream “I can’t live like this anymore!” Other days I am too busy with my own life to bother with her shenanigans—those are the days I have some semblance of peace.

Scheduled another coaching session to get some additional advice.

Thanks to all for being so supportive.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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