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Yes, Ownit said it best.

My h exhibited a lot of these same behaviors early on as well. I remember going away with friends and he texted me constantly. Had I been sitting 2 inches from him he would have ignored me.

The thing is you can't delay or fast forward this. As you see, the confusion is real. And that's how you know it's not a quick fix. It's all much too bizarre to go away on its own. It's nothing someone can just snap out of!

My h also wanted to talk a lot. He was massively confused and confusing. He said the most outlandish things and had no concept that it was all very off. I found that whatever he said was like a snapchat. It was just a picture lasting for that one moment, then, poof! It was gone. Often times, he did not remember what he said days earlier (and I could tell he wasn't lying).

So, my advice is listen if you want. It will show you where she is at that moment in time, no more.

Sadly, she has to go through this all the way. She either hits rock bottom and wakes up or she remains lost. Each time we try to work with them, we delay the whole thing and the next BD is even worse. I've had 2 BDs. I worked feverishly after BD 1 to make him happy. It didn't work and I was exhausted. BD #2 was much more severe. It taught me quite a lesson though: something was very wrong with him and as Job and others kept saying: it was in him and not all about me/us.

If she presses you, you can always say you need to think about things. There is a very good chance she'll forget to ask again. They can be that foggy.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
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Gordie Offline OP
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Thank you all for the live time advice. Gosh, this is harder than I thought it would be. I took it all in and decided I wasn’t going to make myself too available to talk but wasn’t going to avoid her and if cornered, I would listen without sharing my own thoughts. She came home last night and came to my room and yes wanted to talk and I listened. She just talked about light topics, no R talk.

This morning kid3 had an important event. I reminded stbx during the week and this morning. Kid3 reminded her too. It was time to go and no stbx. We arrive and kid3 keeps looking for stbx to arrive. She doesn’t show. Kid3 is sad and I am angry. Stbx arrives as we are leaving and apologizes that she is late and kid3 is just thrilled that she made it at all.

Mid-day stbx is crying and I just give her space and leave the house to run some errands. And then later she thanks me for talking to her last night and she says she loves me and then tells me she is leaving for a sleepover with OM2. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. Blah. And I am a mix of angry and sad and frustrated and resigned. No, there will be no 11th hour check change of heart.

Sandi2 told some newcomer that some nice guys move over to MLC because they aren’t willing to face the reality of a wayward wife and do the tough love approach. Is she right? Did I move over to MLC because I was in denial? Is MLC just an excuse?


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Gordie:

Everyone questions this, and rightfully so since the "authorities" do not acknowledge the condition. I suppose the other thing that they say is, does it really matter? What matters is that the person she is now is not good for you (and evidently the children).

You need to get the divorce wrapped up, have separate living, focus on you and the kids, and move forward in your life.

Ultimately you will be the one to decide whether she is in your life or not. But I think you've seen that being a nice guy didn't do anything for you (any more than being a doormat did for me).

She isn't someone anyone could love right now. You know this, but you deserve better. The future is unwritten. Just focus on the now, on the one or two things that can get you through each day until the pain and emptiness subside enough to make a real plan for the future.

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Gordie - one of the things that I resist but is very easy is putting labels on things. We can call what has happened to us MLC, describe ourselves as "nice guys" etc. And I'm sure that if you looked for validation that those labels fit that it can be found without too much trouble.

Sandi's seen a lot of people pass through this board and knows as do any of us who have been here for a while that so many of the stories are similar as are many of the outcomes.

Would anything that either of us did have changed the outcome? I doubt it. Perhaps it would have been a different path through the foggy woods for us and our former partners, the timelines might have been different, but the destination would have been the same.

It goes against some of the common practices here but for me at least my focus was on being true to myself and being the best "me" that I could be. When I look at the man in the mirror, I am proud of the person I see. I refused to change who I was to appease a partner that in hind-sight I am perhaps better off without having in my life. Will I attract a new partner who will be better for me? No idea.

I think everyone around you has seen you act with integrity and dignity through a situation that would have driven any normal man mad. You have a lot to be proud of.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
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Ownit and AndrewP,

Thank you as always. You are right that the labels don’t matter. And stbx has accused me of being both selfish and domineering as well as weak and a nice guy. So who the heck knows. AP, I am working on who I am. I do like me. I do wake up with a clear conscience. Thank you.

***

Joutnaling

My standard practice is to turn my phone off at church. After church, I fire it up and am met with missed calls and texts from stbx. Where are you??? Seems like she came home from her sleepover with OM2 and we were all gone and she forgot that we were all at church—the place she used to go to ever Sunday morning of her life until the last year.

Stbx told me previously that she wanted to take the kids out in the afternoon and I said that was fine after church. Well little kids tell me it is another outing with OM2. One tells me he doesn’t want to go. I tell him he has to talk to mom about that. We get home and discuss and she says he can stay with me.

So another week without a signed agreement. I’m going to have to talk to stbx about this.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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Geordie, their memory is crap right now. They have so many things going thru their confused heads it isn't funny. You and I cannot understand their confusion. No matter their label, they are confused.

Stand strong my friend. Their is a light at the end of the tunnel, but we cannot see it yet.


Me 49 W46
T25 M22
S22 D18 S13
W had EA Apr-Jul 2016
Dropped Bomb 7/9/16
ILYBINILWYA
HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17
Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
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Gordie

I did not know Sandi had said that (I do not read newcomers much) but heck .. I may have very well been on of those.

Truth is ... approaches are the same regardless if its MLC/WAW and as others have said its a label. I have posted before in my thread and on others, that I have questioned myself at times by giving her an excuse (MLC label) ... like its an illness she can not help herself, that trauma at 14 is what caused this, her mom didn't love her enough. Is that giving them credit they do not deserve??Did it allow us the LBH to wear the white knight armor .... its a possible thing given all our "Nice Guy" tendencies, all these questions and issues can be debated and should be thought on which helped me dive deep into my own FOO issues and helped me find out why I woke up in that situation in the first place.

Again.. labels simply just do not matter, the pain is very very real and its about where one goes from here now that our reset button has been pressed. In a way I think MLC and what I have learned from it allowed me not to vilify her, in some ways I feel sorry for her and most likely one day she will have to face some demons that started it all, along with all the new ones she consciously and unconsciously invited to the party, this however has been categorized as mot my circus nor my monkeys.


M: 48
W: 47
M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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"she says she loves me and then tells me she is leaving for a sleepover with OM2."

This comment above tells us exactly where she is at right now, Gordie..

Emotionally, I suspect not much will change in the next little while. In the longer term, who knows how things may unfold.

But I would focus on getting things signed and sorted and any practical, protective matters ironed out.

She has nothing good to offer you in the shortish term...

Take care and keep moving forward my friend :-)


T 13 M 7
Me 48 H 46
SS 15
BD 7.14 PA
D final 5.16 (H filed)

We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
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Sotto x1000


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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SBJ, Cali, Sotto, Butterfly,

Thanks for keeping me on the right track. Sotto with a gentle 2x4. I love it. And Cali, you are right that the labels don’t matter. She has her FOO issues no matter what you call what she is now doing.

Update:

Well, stbx says she is meeting with L later this week to review and sign the agreement. Let’s see if the actions follow through.

And, gosh, I missed the MLC “try to reel the LBS back in” stage. Yes, folks, that’s where we’ve been the past week. Calls, texts, even compliments on my appearance, and yes, she even tried to start something sexually. And don’t worry, I didn’t respond. I do not want to be in a three way relationship!

One of my kids keeps asking me how mommy and I fell in love. He wants to hear that story. And another declined stbx’s plan to take him to go out with OM2. He asked to stay with me and stbx said okay. I feel so bad for them. I tell them I love them. I give them extra hugs and kisses and time. I hurt for them.


Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids
2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong
2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2
2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
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