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#2770108 12/04/17 09:45 AM
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This is unfortunately a continuation of several old threads that had to be pulled to protect myself. I had reason to believe spouse had info on this and was likely en-route if not already on this forum. Apologies to everyone, in time I will ask for those threads to be restored but in meantime I will be posting what I can from those so the information isn't lost.

Thank you to cadet, sandi2, LH19, kml, AnotherStander, Gordie, AndrewP, Maximus, Vanilla, Vapo, joejoe1, Jim1234, Ginger1, Joseph9, Holding, Kaizen, Tread, pinn, Kaizen, Maika, and many others.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________
Me-63, D31,S30



Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
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Posts: 2,045
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I still challenge you to really examine what it is you are fighting against by pushing for a trial separation in advance of a divorce.

The way I understand it, she will be living alone and seeing OM. My guess is that she isn’t going to think any more fondly of you just because you are labeling the time apart as a trial separation.

So what EXACTLY are you fighting against?

You call Divorce a finality. Is it, in your mind? Does it have to be?

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Sitch recap:

W wants out and OM (they believe they are perfect for each other) both leaving Spouse to be together).
W move out soon

many dead ends on DB prior to finding MWD and still some continue R/A talk occasionally.

I still have problem with Defending self (esp. when W lies or twists facts).
Working hard on learning Validating: still working on doing it right and consistently.
GAL'ing: but had some derails listening to W
Not planning to cancel GAL anymore unless it's for Children

R not likely; she's mad about mountain of past issues mostly (ignoring, verbal, div. labor, being emotionally unavail.) and AP/OM provides ALOT of comfort and joy which she cannot get enough of AND refuses to stop A even though recognizes it's wrong on so many levels.

A is clandestine until both have S and possibly D and until they no longer work together on daily basis (never disclosed R to Employer which is a company policy if you work together with someone).

Very few people know, but shortly this begins going public right before W moves out.
S/D begin at that time.

W deathly afraid of A becoming public. Wants No disclosure of anything I did or she did to Parents/Family/Anyone (She never told about any of my past behaviors now wants that same courtesy for her 1 "tiny" mistake.

I agree completely with Friends
Children Older S16 should be told something... she want's nothing other than D and we love them and want them to be happy and it's not about them at all.

Parents: Her Parents vs My Parents. W wants same/same no disclosure of anything. Afraid if Parents knew it'd get out and it'd have the same effect as if I told everyone... It would destroy her.

Know nothing positive comes from A going Public making R harder

Made many personal changes (virtually all bad behaviors on my end gone since shortly after BD). Remaining issue: balance, GALing consistently, Putting Kids first (W was first since BD), and stopping Pressure (R/M talk etc.)

that said we have weeks where we can go with just co-existing side by side being extra polite etc.

Know she needs to leave but don't want family kids to be damaged by this... know there's no way to prevent it. trying to make peace with that.

That's it in a nutshell.


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 203
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Oh forgot to add:
Improved self and continue to do so for me alot (weight, fitness, eating, drinking, style, personal grooming, etc.)

Working to be better me in any R strongly.


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 203
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Nuggets of wisdom from pulled posts:

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 203
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Wisdom:
Originally Posted By: LH19
Right now the harder your try to hold onto to her the more she is going to try to get away.

What should you do? Continue to make changes and become the man you want to be for yourself. Learn from your mistakes. Read books on relationships, self help, parenting. Reconnect with family, old friends, take up a hobby, exercise.

This is a marathon and not a sprint.

Be the best dad that you can be and keep your focus on yourself and your children.

I promise you that it does get better and you will survive and thrive if you are willing to put the work in.



Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 203
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Originally Posted By: kml

Good job on being busy/GALing. She's asking you questions because A) since she cheated on you she automatically thinks you could be cheating on her and B) because she really just wants you to be sitting waiting for her as Plan B in case it doesn't work out with OM. DON'T do anything she could blame you for later (like actually dating) but DO go out with friends and try new things, and don't feel you have to give her a detailed explanation every time you do. (It's good for her to feel a pang of jealousy).

Resign yourself to the likelihood that she will move out after the holidays - she has a lot invested in this OM and he already dumped his wife for her, so he's going to be pressuring her to follow through. But that doesn't mean game over - she's already noticing your positive changes. Keep being a great dad, a little mysterious, and congrats on the weight loss (the affair diet is brutal but it works! I swear I'm gonna study it some day). Avoid pursuing but it's ok to try to speak her love languages in sneaky ways (If you haven't read Chapman's book on the Five Love Languages, it's highly recommended and a quick read).

For instance, if her love language is words of affirmation, it's ok to say things like "that's a nice blouse" or "that color looks good on you". Nothing too personal.

If her love language is quality time, even though she doesn't want to spend time with you, just stop whatever you're doing when she speaks to you and listen intently. (Quality time was one of my ex's love languages, and I used to be busily mulitasking when he'd come home and want to talk to me. Once I started DBing I'd stop and just listen. We're divorced now but had DB reconciled successfully for several years before the divorce.)

If her love language is gifts, make sure the KIDS buy her something really thoughtful for Xmas.

If it's acts of service - sounds like you're already doing that by picking up the slack at home.

If it's physical touch - that one's harder since she doesn't really want you to touch her. Still, there might be an opportunity for a playful bump as you pass her in the kitchen or some such. (NOTE - ONLY if this is her love language.)
...
talking to her at all about the relationship or about why she shouldn't leave is a losing game at this point. Owning your own faults in the marriage and apologizing for them is good, and it sounds like you've done that. The one small "truth dart" you might shoot her way, when the opportunity arises (i.e. NOT when you're angry or in a fight) is this one:

"If he'll cheat WITH you, he'll cheat ON you".

She'll be mad you said it, but I promise you, she'll think about it. She's trading in a loyal (if previously difficult) husband for a cheater with low morals. Some part of her will be wondering if she's making a mistake.

Also - remember, OM is pressuring her at the moment. You should be the opposite: kind, understanding, "I love you and think you're making a mistake but if you feel you have to do this I won't stand in your way".

Keep working on being the best version of you that you can be. Either she'll eventually realize what she's missing, or you'll recover from this marriage in a much better place to move forward and have a happy life with or without her.


Postpone S/D if it coincides with special annual events (Birthday, Xmas, etc.) so children don't associate that with S/D going forward.


Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 203
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Nuggets:
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

Well, just try and understand that right now she is DONE and she has NO ATTRACTION to you AT ALL. She doesn't like you and may even hate you. Everything you do to try and get her back repulses her. She is thinking "why couldn't he do this when I asked him to, instead of waiting until now when it's too late??" There's a lot of anger and resentment there. Nothing you do is going to help, but there's a lot you can do that will hurt your sitch. ESPECIALLY pursuing. Believe me we hear that a lot- "I have to pursue her because I distanced during the M" but no, that is not a 180 that she welcomes right now. Her feelings will change over time, but she's going to feel this way for as long as you keep pursuing. If you can pull back, stop the pursuit, leave her alone and work on yourself then eventually she may see you in a better light.
...
"I love you and think you're making a mistake but if you feel you have to do this I won't stand in your way".

Yeah it's called opening the cage door. Right now she feels trapped by you and feels the only way out is separation and divorce. If you let her know you're not going to interfere (and you quit all the pursuit behavior) it'll take the pressure off of her and she may not feel it's so urgent after all.



Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 203
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Joined: Nov 2017
Posts: 203
nuggets:

Originally Posted By: Gordie

Maybe a story will help that someone here shared with me. When you were married, you were in the same car. In your case, it sounds like she was the driver and you were a grumpy passenger. At b d, she threw you out of her car and said I want to drive with OM. You keep chasing after her car and ignoring OM in the passenger seat asking if you can sit in the passenger’s seat and she says no. You need to get in your own car. Learn how to drive by yourself. You may see each other while you are both out driving and you can ignore her or wave hello as appropriate. But under no circumstances do not stop and get out of your car and try to get in her car.


Originally Posted By: AnotherStander


There's DB'ing and then there is protecting yourself financially in S and D. They are separate. By all means fully protect yourself.

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nuggets:
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

share this exchange from the movie Swingers, which is very accurate:

Quote:
And what if I don't want to give up on
her?

ROB
You don't call.

MIKE
But you said I shouldn't call if I
wanted to give up on her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So I don't call either way.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
So what's the difference?

ROB
The only difference between giving up and
not giving up is if you take her back
when she wants to come back. See, you
can't do anything to make her want to
come back. You can only do things to
make her not want to come back.

MIKE
So the only difference is if I forget
about her or pretend to forget about her.

ROB
Right.

MIKE
Well that [censored].

ROB
It [censored].

MIKE
So it's almost a retroactive decision.
So I could, like, let's say, forget about
her and when she comes back make like I
just pretended to forget about her.

ROB
Right...or more likely the opposite.

MIKE
Right... Wait, what do you mean?

ROB
I mean first you'll pretend not to care,
not call - whatever, and then,
eventually, you really won't care.

MIKE
Unless she comes back first.

ROB
Ah, see, that's the thing. Somehow they
don't come back until you really don't
care anymore.

MIKE
There's the rub.

ROB
There's the rub.



Me 47
STBXW 44
M ~20
D13
S15
BD mid 17
A Disc. 2 months after BD but evidence found ~2yr
OM decade older
S Imminent
D Soon after

Be the rock that can weather the storm...
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