Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
oh, I'll ask my lawyer this, but does anyone know if there are any legal repercussions to using the threat of taking over the house to gain concessions? Like "you will agree that I will refinance the marital home and the equity will be distributed in equitable distribution or I will take your house?"

And yes, 25mlc, I realize this is an ultimatum, and I'm trying very hard to think of alternative ways to address this.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
I started looking at it with a beginner's mind, and see that I can give her an early disbursement from the marital estate, and accomplish my goals. So I can listen, validate her needs, and if I want, offer a solution...


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
We had Christmas dinner last night with the kid's godparents. Really nice night. We were pleasant, although I wasn't completely comfortable. Kind of pretending we're still a family, even though we really aren't any more.

We talked the day before. We talked briefly about Christmas and she said she'd like to talk about alimony and child support sometime. I think she's just realizing that her support will drop by almost 1/4 in 5 months (arrears paid, and 1 child emancipated), and is freaking out.

I said ok. She talked a little more, and I was agreeable, but she never mentioned a day or time, and I'm not about to schedule these talks for her.

Also, someone else's thread Sandi2 mentioned being cautious about "talks" just before Christmas as they are playing on guilt, so I'll watch out for that. Any further insights, Sandi?


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,666
Likes: 1
I can understand trying to get through the holidays for the sake of the kids, but why are you pretending in front of other adults? Don't respond with what your W says she wants. I am asking you why you are going along with all the festivities, pretending to be a family? You said it made you feel uncomfortable, so apparently, you were appeasing someone else.

If that is what you want to do, then okay. However, if you are doing it b/c your W uses the guilt card, or the bossy card.......then don't act as if you have no voice in the matter. DBing is not rolling over and playing dead. smile

Some WW's begin acting nice/friendly just as a manipulation tool. So, be careful and don't agree to something....thinking she is warming up towards you. It becomes so tiring to see H's act as if they must do everything the W says. Don't forget who is the head leader in the family.

I have an adult child that was given the bomb drop immediately following Christmas. After all the expensive gifts are opened, and the credit cards are maxed (again) and then your spouse announces they are through with the M, it leaves you feeling rather "used"..... if you know what I mean. Of course, they say they want the kids to have one more good Christmas.......but really, it's b/c they know Santa will be more generous if everyone is under the same roof during the holiday.

I am sorry for all the people facing these sad circumstances during a time of year that we are taught is suppose be joyous. ((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 815
T
Member
Offline
Member
T
Joined: Apr 2017
Posts: 815
Jim,

Sandi is correct. Your W doesn't give a damn about the children. Its all about herself and how she can manipulate you at this point. Your going to regret all of this when its all said and done.


MR: 15 T:17
Me: 37 W: 34
S14
BD/PA/EA: 12/2016
Tread #2770485 12/07/17 03:28 AM
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Oct 2017
Posts: 937
Jim,

I just want to say sorry for everything you're going through. I understand that feeling of pretending to be a family because I haven't told my family what's happening and asked my husband to make an appearance when meeting up with my brother who was in town this week.

If your wife is freaking out then maybe she should consider working on the marriage instead of working towards divorce! It's too bad this is how Christmas has to be this year. I hope it will make her have true second thoughts. I also hope you'll still enjoy the time with your kids.

Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I can understand trying to get through the holidays for the sake of the kids, but why are you pretending in front of other adults? Don't respond with what your W says she wants. I am asking you why you are going along with all the festivities, pretending to be a family? You said it made you feel uncomfortable, so apparently, you were appeasing someone else.

If that is what you want to do, then okay. However, if you are doing it b/c your W uses the guilt card, or the bossy card.......then don't act as if you have no voice in the matter. DBing is not rolling over and playing dead. smile

Some WW's begin acting nice/friendly just as a manipulation tool. So, be careful and don't agree to something....thinking she is warming up towards you. It becomes so tiring to see H's act as if they must do everything the W says. Don't forget who is the head leader in the family.

I have an adult child that was given the bomb drop immediately following Christmas. After all the expensive gifts are opened, and the credit cards are maxed (again) and then your spouse announces they are through with the M, it leaves you feeling rather "used"..... if you know what I mean. Of course, they say they want the kids to have one more good Christmas.......but really, it's b/c they know Santa will be more generous if everyone is under the same roof during the holiday.

I am sorry for all the people facing these sad circumstances during a time of year that we are taught is suppose be joyous. ((hugs))



I'm really struggling to write this reply, because your post has really got me thinking whether I did it for the kids, or appeased her.

The point of the dinner was for our kids so see their godparents and exchange gifts, so I think I was doing it for the kids. The godparents are well aware of what's going on, so it wasn't like we were pretending for them, but to make a nice memory for the kids.

BUT, I was set to do it alone this year, she found out, made a fuss, and I caved, telling myself it was "for the kids", and not wanting to put our friends in the middle of it. I thought about not going, but decided I wanted to. But I wonder whether I let W use the bossy card and am rationalizing.

Thank you for the food for thought.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Tread, I appreciate the input.

Nicole, I couldn't agree more!


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Jim1234 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Nice weekend, interesting lunch today.

Went to a Christmas party in the neighborhood. W was there. We mostly talked to different groups, but were pleasant to one another.

We had a bunch of things to talk about, so yesterday I asked her if she wanted to meet me for lunch today. We had a nice meal and chat for a bit. There wasn't any pursuing involved, and I'm sure she knew that when I pulled out a long list of things I wanted to discuss.

Mostly, it centered around Christmas, and making plans, what to buy for the kids so we didn't duplicate stuff, where were the kids going to stay, that kind of thing, but we also discussed refinancing the house, health care, etc. It could have been contentious, but I was thoughtful and polite, and got everything I wanted from the conversation.

Then she wanted to discuss something; alimony and child support. She confided she's having trouble making ends meet, and mentioned that she could take me back to a support conference because she thinks she deserves more money (I think she might get a bit more, but not much, and certainly not as much as she believes). She knows child support is going to drop off in June when S graduates, and then in 2 more years when D graduates, and I think she is just starting to realize how strapped for money she will be then.

She said, basically, since she was so generous in not taking me back to get more support, would I consider continuing child support until the kids were out of college. I am very proud of myself for the way I handled it. I didn't laugh in her face, but echoed her statements, and validated with statements like "yes, that will be very hard." Told her I'd think about it.

And I will. I know my moral obligation to support my kids doesn't end when they graduate from HS. I'm happy to help buy clothes, and feed and house them. But I think she's out of her mind if she thinks I'm going to continue to pay child support 1 day longer than I have to.

Anyone else run into anything like this?


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,132
Jim,

That reality hits like a sack of bricks.

I don't think you are crazy. You are supporting her. You are supporting your kids. If they go to college then why send her any more money.

Great job at you'll meet up today.


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
Page 7 of 11 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard