I may be here forever

[job]

Sounds like the date went okay. I would continue to look around and who knows...this guy may open up and be a bit more relaxed later on. If he doesn't contact you again...it's one more frog that you've kissed and dropped back in the pond.

Don't give up...keep looking.

Gabby will be home again before you know it. I know you two miss being w/each other and when she does return home, the homecomings are very special.

Hang in there!

[Cadet]

I am not that unattractive or that I won't really meet someone one day.
I can take that away from it.
If he asks me out again, I will go.
If he doesn't then he doesn't.

Glad you are coming to that realization.
My opinion is YOU are the whole package and you will find
someone - slow and steady wins the race.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[DDJ]

Hey Ginger, just caught up on your last post. Does God answer all of our prayers, I believe that He does. Almost never in the exact way that we want.

Great that the date went well. It's been a year and a half and i've not even been on date since D so I def hope to catch up one day.

One thing which I learnt about detachment is that it shouldn't only apply to the ex. It should really apply to every facet of our everyday lives. For example, your date went well, detach from any thoughts about it. Detach from the anxiety that it causes. The key is to always live in the present moment, you can remember the past but not live in it. That includes yesterday. Don't fantasize about the future either, as that can only lead to disappointment.

I've been lambasted on this forum before for saying that I took detachment too far, when i said that I was detaching from my son. But I have, i really have. I understand that he is his own person, his fate is not in my hands, but God's, and the only thing that matters is that I love him, whether i see him or not. I suggest that any LBSs that read this understand that you don't have to see your child to feel loved by them or to love them, h@ll, you don't even need to talk to them for a few days. They know you love them, they really do. You can feel it, but you do not need to see them to experience it.

It is difficult cos we think that we somehow have control (over anything), but we don't. Only once we realise this, can we truly detach from life. And only then will life attach to us.

[Ginger1]

I am not that unattractive or that I won't really meet someone one day.
I can take that away from it.
If he asks me out again, I will go.
If he doesn't then he doesn't.

Glad you are coming to that realization.
My opinion is YOU are the whole package and you will find
someone - slow and steady wins the race.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Thank you so much, my friend! I am definitely managing slow and have some sort of record on these boards, heck, and IRL of not settling down again. I am just trying to keep an ounce of hope that this is not my fate.

Journaling, because work is sloooooooow, and I am seeing my IC tonight after 3 weeks, and many ups and downs. I am trying to put my thoughts together. No need to read, it'll probably be long, torturous, have a bit of self pity, and the such.

Bar guy has texted me a few times, unprompted from me, but he seems checked out. He's letting it die off, I know what he is doing. So I am going to take it into my own hands and put the nail in the coffin I guess. Sad.

I had a dream Friday night where everyone of my ex's were in it. it was awful. It was them and all their new women. Shoving it in my face. Hurting me. And yes, everyone I have dated (or married) I know is in a committed relationship now. Although a friend of mine looked up FF and his page says he is single, but his GF's profile pic is of the two of them still. he had some of those quotes that had to do with lying and betrayal, so I don't know what that is about. I have been thinking about him since that text I wish would have never happened.

I think back to my life. there is not one thing that came "normally" or "easily" for me. My R with my ex was a battle everyday. I wasn't going to throw in the towel though. to get him to commit, or even call me his girlfriend wa impossible when we were dating. took 2 years to say I love you...... Pregnancy? We couldn't just have sex like everyone else. We had to do IVF. And not regular IVF like everyone else, he needed a special procedure and it needed a special technique. High risk pregnancy, early high risk birth, NICu stay...... Things finally settle and he is out the door. For 10 years and the length of my child's life, I have been doing this alone.
My education, both times, didn't come easy. My career has been a struggle since exH left. I've been laid off, terminated, you name it. I've been having to accept a homewrecker as my daughter's stepmother, which ahs been a big challenge for me. There is not one man in my life who stuck around. They all ended it with me or walked out the door without hesitation when I needed something from them. Oh, and although nothing life threatening, 4 surgeries since 2010. Not an easy feat while taking care of a little one alone.

I know I sound like a huge victim here (and I even left out my childhood here). But I keep overcoming so much, and so much with minimal support. Some days I can't bear it anymore. I really can't. I pray to a God I don't really believe in to just let me have ONE BREAK. ONE THING COME NORMALLY TO ME. I am not even looking for easy. Just something without a struggle, physical or emotional.

So I live my life for others. My volunteering and altruism is a bit selfish. I figure it might be why I am here. If I can't seem to make my life better, maybe I can make someone else's better. In turn, it gives me purpose and makes me feel like I am worth something. If I can stop someone from hurting or make their day brighter, I do it. because I know that deep gut wrenching pain, and I know how some small acts of kindness can help. The smallest gestures make such a difference in my life, simply knowing someone cares. That's why I come back here. I know you guys care.

[Ginger1]

I got the blow-off text tonight. And that's ok. Because I was feeling the same way he did. I was going to say as much, but I didn't. I just told him thank you for your honesty and thank you for not ghosting me and I wish him all the best, then I deleted his number. I am not sad or rejected I guess because I feel the same way. I had one week of excitement and something to get excited about. I am down because I had hope. But I knew he wasn't for me even though I was going to give it more of a chance. But I know what it feels like to click. I have had the joy of that happening. And I imagine I can click with someone someday who is a good match in other ways too.

My IC session went well. I cried. I told her I feel like giving up sometimes. She asked what giving up means to me. I told her that it isn't an option and that is what makes me feel so trapped. I have no control. We discussed how to recognize the pain, acknowledge the pain, but know there are some wonderful parts of me and my life and try to shift the focus.

We had the most interesting discussion about religion and God. I told her I pray to a God I don't believe in to give me a break. I grew up without religion or God in my home. I knew nothing of it. When you are raised that way, you can't really accept one day that there is this one all powerful being. I believe in a higher power, something greater than me, even if I can't put my finger on what it is. She said something to me that my dad said to me on Thanksgiving. She said I possess qualities of many who are religious and believe in the greater good through my volunteering and my chosen career. She sees how I light up when I speak of giving to others or making a difference in their lives. She suggested that I look to a church. Even if not to worship God, but to get a sense of community and to find others who are like-minded and for services that preach the message of what I believe, which is being kind to others and giving to those who have a need. She mentioned local church which she knows is very involved with the community and helping those in need. I think it is a good idea. It certainly couldn't hurt.

Tonight at physical therapy I did not do well. I worked out all weekend and I guess I am not as healed as I thought I was. My PT hated the way I was walking and made me stop an exercise because my form was so bad. It was discouraging, but I guess I'll have bad days and good days in this process.

I also wish that guy at PT was 10 years older. He is such a wonderful guy. I love watching him with D10. We have fun too. Some young woman is going to be very lucky one day. Most people would be happy when PT is over. I will be sad. I love the people and the socialization.

Every day I try to keep it together, because I really have no choice. There is no alternative. So I will make the best of my situation.

[Zues126]

Well G, you know I'm a touch cynical about relationships so I haven't had a lot of encouraging words. If nothing else I'm proud of you for braving the dating world as it is a non-started for me.

But then I realized, maybe my cynicism has a positive application! So here goes:

I'm absolutely positive that all of your exs' relationships are going to go down in smoldering flames. It will be ugly too. Everyone is a happy family until they aren't, and we've already seen enough to know how that plays out. Oh, and Mr. Cute PT guy that is too young for you but would otherwise be a dream, don't worry, he'll be a raging a-hole alcoholic addicted to cam girls and hooking up with strangers on craigslist while his wife is pregnant with their second child before the 2024 election.

If you can't do it, none of those clowns can. It just looks good until the seasons turn. But I think if anyone can do it then it would be you. Hang in. You're awesome.

[Dawn70]

Aw, G...sorry the barguy didn't work out. But you know what, that just means there is someone even better for you out there and I promise y'all will find each other when the time is right.

I'm catching up on several posts so going back a few, I just wanted to comment on the 9 years single thing. I don't think that throws red flags. Like someone said, you were focusing on your child, which is what a good parent should do. Now that she's getting older, you have a bit more time to focus on yourself and that is a wonderful thing. If 9 years being single does throw up red flags for someone, then he probably isn't the right one because any good man worth this salt would understand you taking time to raise your child right.....just my opinion, of course, but it seems logical to me.

[Ginger1]

Well G, you know I'm a touch cynical about relationships so I haven't had a lot of encouraging words. If nothing else I'm proud of you for braving the dating world as it is a non-started for me.

But then I realized, maybe my cynicism has a positive application! So here goes:

I'm absolutely positive that all of your exs' relationships are going to go down in smoldering flames. It will be ugly too. Everyone is a happy family until they aren't, and we've already seen enough to know how that plays out. Oh, and Mr. Cute PT guy that is too young for you but would otherwise be a dream, don't worry, he'll be a raging a-hole alcoholic addicted to cam girls and hooking up with strangers on craigslist while his wife is pregnant with their second child before the 2024 election.

If you can't do it, none of those clowns can. It just looks good until the seasons turn. But I think if anyone can do it then it would be you. Hang in. You're awesome.

I can't stop laughing. Thank you for that. I needed a good laugh. Don't worry, I think of it more as realism rather than cynicism!

I'm still laughing. An and you are awesome as well:)

[Ginger1]

It is 10am at work and there is absolutely no work to do. It's going to be a long day, so why not journal before I do something stupid?

FF has seriously gotten into my head. Since the text. And the holiday's always bring my old relationships. I haven't logged into instagram in a while, but I admittedly curious if he was really single. All of a sudden his profile and his GF is marked private. Never was before. because of a crazy stalker like me? HA. Actually I blocked it all out because I didn't want to look and haven't in months and months. I could see things only on his sisters page because we are still friends. I saw a clip of them at his birthday party in early October. That's it. Saw some more pics of him with his nephew. That's it. But I realize he has taken serious effort to make me disappear. I guess I did too....... but that text through me off, then to realize this whole time I have been blocked even through text.... I stopped spinning on him a while back and everything that happened, was just majorly sad, but I guess it's just a sensitive time of the year. I was shocked last night when we did out town Christmas tree lighting and went to the firehouse for some festivities, it made me think of him.

I know my emotions are acting out of lonliness at this this time of the year. it happens every year. I need to just be mindful of it, and not reach out, which I admittedly almost did no FB. I WILL NOT DO IT.

Yes, I really am having a hard time digging out the depression. My dad asks me why I never talk to him, then when I do, he tells me "cheer up already! When are you going to stop with the self-pity" he says "what exactly is the therapist doing for you, then?"I got really upset yesterday when said this and said goodbye and got off the phone. I do not choose to feel like this. No one does. I make serious efforts to NOT feel like this. I try every suggestion given to me by you guys and my IC. I am trying. I know my dad is kind of traumatized by having to deal with my mother's depression for so long and I know he hates me hurting, I am his child, but he does think depression is a choice. it isn't.

I don't have siblings or a mom. I never really had anyone to lean on. It stinks. I never really knew what it was like to curl up in a mom's arms and have her tell me everything is going to be OK. But I make sure I give that to my daughter. A child, and even an adult child really needs that. I couldn't give her a sibling, but I can give her a mom. So one should go without a motherly figure ever.

Random thoughts of the day. Tomorrow I have some fun planned and a massage. Much needed. I have been exceedingly exhausted this week (when my depression gets bad, that's what happens) and I am going to make a delicious dinner for myself tonight and curl up with my really good book and a bottle, errrr.... glass of wine in front of the fake fireplace.

[Dawn70]

Your plans for tomorrow sound PERFECT! And, tonight too, for that matter, so enjoy your nice dinner, good book, wine and the rest of your plans. You deserve it lady! Hang in there...good things are coming your way.