I am a few days into giving H his space. I read and re-read posts and decided that my calling him so much really wasn't doing me any favors. Yes, he answers and sometimes even seems happy to hear from me and has something he wants to talk about but then there are other times he seems annoyed at life in general.
I realized that calling him at the times he is annoyed could make him link the problems he is STILL having to me. He needs to realize the things happening now are all on him.
I just had the fear that if he didn't hear from me, never thought about me, then if things started going right OW would get all the credit. He would think his decision to be with her was the right thing. And honestly I couldn't stand the thought of just being forgotten about like an old game you never play anymore.
I'm fairly certain that he will not reach out to me and will be a vanisher. Still terrified of that and so many other things. But up to now he has had OW and whatever nonsense they manage to get themselves into and good old me to reassure him he is a good person and not the huge failure he thinks he is. And of course, being me, I am afraid that he and OW will work everything out perfectly and be the happiest couple around or he will later say I turned my back on him.
You have to stop trying to mind read. You don't know what he's thinking and most of the time, he won't know either because he's a hot mess at the moment emotionally.
Give him plenty of time and space to really think about things. He's got to do this his way. You don't know if he's going to reach out or not. If he does, be upbeat and cordial. If he doesn't, so be it. He'll be thinking about you and your previous holidays. They don't forget them and if he doesn't hear from you, it just might create a bit of curiosity on his part. If you speak to him, don't share your entire holiday news w/him. Leave a bit of mystery on the table...
It's time for Hunny to start living her life and that's okay. Leave the door ajar and continue to move "forward". Leave the mind reading to the woman that has the crystal ball.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you. I just keep thinking I know him and I know what he would do, how he would react to something, how much he would hate not knowing how things are with DD and DGD etc.
But I know him, my H, not whoever he thinks he is or is trying to be now. I don't know the man who seems to be ok ignoring his daughter and son in law, hardly ever seeing his granddaughter and never bothering to call his wife to tell her about something funny that happened or to make sure she got to work ok because he heard about a bad wreck on her freeway. He isn't the man who would be upset or sad that he hadn't heard from me in days.
It is hard to think that he prefers being this shell of what he once was. He had problems and stress and everything wasn't always smiles and roses but he was loved, admired, respected, valued, trusted, counted on and to anyone looking he seemed genuinely happy. I was one of those women that other people told how lucky she was because she had a good man.
Now people hear about the latest dumb thing he has done and aren't surprised. I think they are starting to expect it. At least the people that knew him before this are. I don't really know about the people he spends his time with now.
I just had the fear that if he didn't hear from me, never thought about me, then if things started going right OW would get all the credit.
What I have come to understand with the extensive reading that I have done is that very likely things WON'T start going right with the OW. The Relationship typically starts off well and then gradually goes downhill and eventually fails entirely. It can take a long time, so in the meantime, continue following your own path and try to ignore what he is doing right now. These women are emotional messes as well and often have a personality disorder of some kind. The attraction to each other is because they are so alike emotionally - messed up! If your H was healthy emotionally or if OW was healthy emotionally - either one - the attraction (projection) wouldn't work. It's when both are a mess that an attraction becomes possible.
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my calling him so much really wasn't doing me any favors.
I agree it doesn't do you any favors. I don't initiate contact with my H unless it's important. Even then my contact is either by email or by text. This has two benefits:
1. I don't have to torment myself about whether or not I should call. I just don't call. It was difficult at first but then I felt a LOT better and somehow stronger, if that makes sense
2. Surprisingly (or not), the level of contact has remained the same. There is never more than 4 or 5 days of no contact before he calls about something. When he calls I am relaxed and polite but I won't prolong the call longer than it needs to be. Read some of those very interesting articles on the Pursuit and Distance dance. Turn yourself into the Distancer and let him be the Pursuer.
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good old me to reassure him he is a good person and not the huge failure he thinks he is.
I don't know if bolstering his ego is a good thing? My intuition is to leave that alone and just be neutral. Let him wonder about whether he is a big failure - it just might get him thinking and get him started on working on those internal issues. Don't let him off the hook by reassuring him he's not a failure. That's up to him to figure out.
Hang in there, Hunny. Work on detaching and letting him go. It's a long haul and we are just at the beginning.
I didn't contact my H for 8 months, only four emails. One hoping he's was ok,another to thank him for money he sent me for Christmas, one then in February last year still hoping he was ok (he answered that he thought he was) and the last one in May hoping he was having a nice Birthday.
I actually found NC (once I'd made that decision) much easier than my previous emailing every week or so.
As the advice here goes, he can't miss you if you keep contacting him. There is nothing you can do about his R with the OW. The only thing you can do is GAL and wait for it to fizzle out.
My H contacted me after hearing of my breast cancer diagnosis. I doubt he would have for a long time wi thought that.
We are regularly in touch now and he says he plans to leave her as the R didn't develope into anything......for him.
That was five months ago. He's still there. I'm not mentioning it. He will leave when he's ready to.
I would strongly advise NC, it was the best thing for me. Detachment, on the other hand I find very hard.
Hunny, we have all been where you are. We have all done the things you are doing, and worrying about him and the OW and the happiness they are having.
You are being told to do things now that you don't believe you can and you question how they will help you (GAL, focus on you, let him go, don't give the OW headspace, etc.).
In time these things will make sense. You will breathe them in and be able to let go and the sun will shine and the birds will sing and you will see life on the other side.
Until then, just cry, get it out, spend time doing things that make you happy. Come here to vent and to let people stop you from making those contacts because they will set YOU back (who cares what they do to him).
Holidays are hard, but here you have a family that knows that and supports you. We can hold your hand and tell you it will be ok.
But I know him, my H, not whoever he thinks he is or is trying to be now. I don't know the man who seems to be ok ignoring his daughter and son in law, hardly ever seeing his granddaughter and never bothering to call his wife to tell her about something funny that happened or to make sure she got to work ok because he heard about a bad wreck on her freeway. He isn't the man who would be upset or sad that he hadn't heard from me in days.
Hunny - I struggled a lot with this myself. I thought I knew the woman that I shared more than half of my life with and how she would react in any particular situation.
I didn't. She had become someone else and after almost 2 years, she is still that person I expect.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
We all have been down the road that you are traveling at this moment. I questioned the advice that I was given, but in time, I realized that I had to save myself and the only way to do that was to go dim, i.e., not contact him unless it was an absolute emergency. I found by doing this, I could find my footing and begin to focus on what was important...me and my sanity.
Yes, you knew the man your h once was...but he's not that person any longer. He is the exact opposite or as I always say, the mirror image of the person you knew. That's why it's important to keep your expectations at zero for now because he's not going to be there as your h any longer.
As for worrying about bolstering his ero or not ruffling his feathers during the holiday...that's on him to deal with. He walked out and made this mess, so there are consequences to his actions and I would only be concerned w/myself and trying to get thru the holidays.
Hunny, it's okay to cry, vent, stomp your feet or whatever, but don't contact him...come here because there is always someone around who will respond to your postings.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Today will be the first Monday I haven't called H since this started. The calls were comforting in the sense that I would know he was ok. You know, not somewhere in a ditch or in jail or goodness knows what else.
And yes, he asked for advice on things (when he wasn't in a mood) and I listened to what he was worried about or afraid of.
But he has made the decision to be where he is. If between the two of them he and OW can't handle the things they have going on then they need to realize it.
Posts on here have made me do some serious thinking. Yes, I love my H still and do not want anything to happen to him to make things worse for him than they already will be when he comes out of this but maybe, just maybe continuing to fall lower and lower is what he needs.
On another note, my hair is starting to fall out. Seriously! I looked in the mirror this morning and noticed it isn't just thinning..there are legit bald spots. Another sign that I have not been taking care of me at all.
I mean walking around looking and feeling like a zombie is one thing but being a bald one is a whole different story.
Hi Hunny, Been following allowing and lending you some virtual support. It really is tough but as Job mentioned it's best to leave him be and turn the attention inwards on yourself.
I'm not a physician, but it sounds like you have alopecia areata. Yep....same thing happened to me. Not at bomb drop, but right before. I hadn't realized all the stress I was under trying to deal with my own stuff and navigating ex's crazy MLC world.
I went to a dermatologist who explained that it's a myth that this condition occurs due to regular stress, however, it can happen when you go through something traumatic (i.e. A HUGE stressor on the body). He said its your bodies autoimmune response to that traumatic event and it's just trying to protect itself. He's seen it occur in folks who have just had a bad car accident, etc. he advised me that it could never happen again or it may come back. Fortunately for me my hair grew back and I've not had any more bouts with it since I moved out.
If you have the means you may want to go get it checked out just to be sure.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't wish this experience on my worst enemy.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
