As Andrew said, there are a lot of versions of your H walking around. My stbx used to be extremely religious and felt sorry for women who were so wrapped up in the shallowness of the latest diets, exercise, plastic surgery, gossip and materialism. And now? Yes, she went there and says she is finally happy.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
I snooped and now I am devastated. I saw what H is buying OW for Christmas..at least some of it. I am sitting here crying just like I did at BD.
Obviously I knew she would be getting presents and I would not but I guess seeing it just makes it more real. It also makes me think I don't stand any chance at all with this man.
I remember every single bad/mean thing I ever did. Every word I ever said that hurt him. I am afraid that the MLC is just something I have made up in my head to make it so I don't have to admit that despite what I thought, despite what he said to me every day up to BD, I really just wasn't enough for him.
He truly just does not love me. No confusion. No fears. Just a man who no longer loves his wife and wants someone else. A better life and a new family that makes him happy.
My H and my family were my everything. To me they still are. To be thrown aside has done more damage to me than I ever thought possible. He doesn't even look at me whenever he "has" to be around me. He doesn't call. He doesn't care if I'm ok. I'm not even sure that most of the time he knows I exist.
I'm not sure this is the forum I belong on. I may have just tried to place H in a box that would give me a chance later down the line.
You belong here. You are trying to convince yourself that you are not worthy of your h. Stop that! No marriage is a bed of roses 24/7. We all have made mistakes, but that doesn't give anyone the excuse to go out there and find someone else w/o exploring the current relationship and attempting to work on it before making such a major move.
From what you've posted, you are a very caring and good person, so, please, step off that soap box of pity, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and then pull up those big girl panties and keep moving forward.
Everything that you described in your last posting screams someone is in crisis. If you have read the homework that Cadet created, visited the other threads, you would realize that your h is no different than the rest of the spouses/companions that are on the Mother Ship.
You need to stop snooping because it serves no purpose but to bring you down and to tears and self pity. Right now, your focus needs to be on you and what you need to do to get thru the holidays. What he does out there is nothing more than the "I need to feel good about myself" attitude.
Now, have a good cry and then pull up those big girl panties and let's get moving on doing some things to make you feel better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I teared up a little reading your last post. I feel your pain. I have thought the same thing regarding my wife. Maybe we just were never right for each-other. Job is right...stop that right now!! If you have an issue with the person you are in a relationship with, you at least attempt to work it out. Even if there is any truth in the reasons he listed (and of course there is some kernel of truth in SOMETHING he said...he has to believe it for himself if he is to justify his actions to himself), this is NOT how you deal with those issues. Every marriage needs work and none are perfect. They take work.
You are not responsible for this situation. As the veterans have said, you DID NOT break him, and you can not fix him. That is on him.
I read something last night that Job had posted a while back. I believe the link is in the welcome post. He was listing his research regarding depression. It is long, but if you are like me, you'll end up reading it straight through several times. The thing that spoke to me was regarding people who had suffered from depression/MLC AND been a left behind spouse. It stated that the individuals who had experienced both claimed that between being the spouse and the one experiencing MLC, that being the spouse was the easier part. If they had to do it over again they would choose to be the spouse rather than the one in MLC. That is so hard to imagine given how I feel. The idea that the MLCer is in more pain than me is so hard to imagine. I am not sure it makes a huge difference knowing that, but for whatever reason, that perspective helped me through the day.
For me, not only do I have the holidays coming up, but my 40th birthday is a couple of days later. The big 40...the birthday that everyone wants to make a big deal about. I am dreading it...and not because I am turning 40. I could care less about how many circles I make around the big fireball.
Try to keep your head up. As a professional snooper, I can tell you that snooping DOES NOT HELP YOU!! You are really better off not knowing. Seriously...it is hard, but DON'T DO IT. I feel like the pot calling the kettle black in saying that, but you will save yourself some heartache if you can stop it. This thing has to work itself out, regardless of whether you know every detail or not. With the fog he is in right now (and yes, he is definitely in crisis mode), you stand to remember more of this when all is said and done than he does.
You are with friends. Come here and vent all you need. We know what you are going through.
It looks as if his life is going great and for now it may I remember feeling the exact same way in the beginning of XH MLC he looked good, happy and he got to go out and have fun whenever he wanted he went on trips took his motorcycle out for festivals slept out finally moved in with OW
I was at home crying, grieving going to therapy raising 2 kids alone- one 5 years old It looked as if he hit the jackpot
In truth it probably was fun for him to relive his youth, but after a few years it wasn't all cute and fuzzy anymore he was M to an active drug addict ,,he gave up his sobriety of 20 years to drink and drug again..he lost a secure business ..he gave me the house the kids everything for exchange for his freedom it took a few years years to notice...In the beginning it may have looked like new love, and all was ok but you won't see the truth for a while If you watch, you will see a very ill man seeking temporary happiness in exchange for a secure life watch and you will see him fall they have to go down ..way down b4 they can go up
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Awww, (((Hunny))). I can so relate to what you are saying. I snoop too and it always makes me feel worse but I can't stop myself sometimes.
It's way too soon to know how anything with your (and mine) situation will turn out. 5 months out from BD and the MLCer is so far gone into the fog that nobody can figure out what is going on. Even if you do figure anything out it will change again!
Very important for us to detach, drop the rope, get a life of our own, move forward, eyes off them. It's the only way to stay sane.
When I don't snoop, I know nothing. I've done both, and it feels much better to know nothing. Still, I have to look at times and I hate that I do. But whatever you learn from snooping means nothing at this stage. They are doing what their MLC affected brains are telling them to do and it's not permanent! It may be the case for the next few years but it's not permanent.
My H often says or does things that give me reason to believe he will survive his MLC and come back to me. Your H is definitely in MLC land as well and he too will eventually come out of the fog and try to find his way home. Whatever is going on now, just 5 months out, will NOT last. Just remember that and you will have the patience and courage to move forward.
While you move forward you will find a new you which will give you the strength to deal with what lies ahead.
P.S. My H is spending money for gifts on his OW too - it's what they have to do so early into this fantasy relationship they have. Don't give it a second thought.
job - Thank you. You are right, the snooping has to stop. As much as I feel like I just have to know....I have to stop. Today was a far worse day than it needed to be because of it. It was a poor, poor pitiful me party and it hurt only me. I'm not even sure why I thought it was a good idea to even think about looking.
The mother ship comment has me thinking about Independence Day. If we were to take it out would all our MLCers come spilling out back to normal. If only it were that easy.
sjohns6 - I feel like I broke him. And deep down I know I can't fix him but I'm still throwing bandaids at him.
I don't know how successful I will be but I am going to try and stop the snooping. I just thought if I knew then I wouldn't have to wonder.
The holidays and birthdays are horrible. My birthday this year was one I don't want to remember. And like you it isn't because of how old I am. Don't even get me started on the dreaded wedding anniversary. That was the one weekend H managed to go on a little trip with OW and also when he introduced her to his family. Well at least the ones that hadn't already figured it out.
peacetoday - My H is also willing to hand over the house. He said he would like to keep the boat, motorcycle etc. but to think about what I want or what needs to be sold. Just another thing to confuse me since I expected him to want to keep everything.
It is scary to see how far down they have to fall. I don't enjoy being me very much right now (need to seriously work on that, I know) but I would not want to be your H or mine. I know my faults and the things I have done wrong in our marriage and they are hard enough to face. I don't want to ever wake up one day and realize I walked away from everything and don't even know/remember why.
galpal - True. They are so far in the fog and it is too soon to know what outcome we will face. I've read and re-read the threads about detaching and getting a life. But I have to be honest with myself and you....I'm terrified.
So because of this I mostly walk around looking like a zombie with tears in her eyes 24/7. Don't get me wrong, out of vanity I made sure to look my best the very last time I saw H. Took advantage of the weight I've lost because of this insane situation, put on some makeup, heels and a dress like I would have done before I was the me who didn't care how she looked...after all he loved me no matter what. And you know what, he didn't notice. I honestly don't think he looked at me once. I know it's awful but I make a game of counting how many different ways he can try to not have to look at me. One day he even turned around completely and carried on a conversation with his back to me. I commented on it and that actually was about the time he just started to go out of his way to not "see" me at all.
We both need to work on our snooping...way easier said than done. I'm not sure why his buying her gifts threw me for such a loop. I mean come on, this random woman is sleeping with MY husband and they believe they are perfect for each other. And I lost it over some crappy presents?!?! That is the least of the problems.
A huge thank you to all of you guys for sharing your insights with me.
My H often says or does things that give me reason to believe he will survive his MLC and come back to me. Your H is definitely in MLC land as well and he too will eventually come out of the fog and try to find his way home. Whatever is going on now, just 5 months out, will NOT last. Just remember that and you will have the patience and courage to move forward.
Sorry GP (and Hunny), but I have found that thinking like this is detrimental to the whole healing/GAL process. It's nigh on impossible to NOT think it, so I have no real advice for how to stop, but trust me when I say that if you think this is just temporary, and your MLCer is bound to come home, you may well be setting yourself up for some horrible times later, when it doesn't quite turn out as you've dreamed. Please, plan for the worst even if you can't stop hoping for the best.
Originally Posted By: GalPal
P.S. My H is spending money for gifts on his OW too - it's what they have to do so early into this fantasy relationship they have. Don't give it a second thought.
Sigh...
My XH has just bought OW a condo in Bangkok, just short of 2 years after beginning his R with her. I never received that sort of largesse, even though I funded his studies and bore his children. I found out about it last night - made me literally sick to the stomach.
I love receiving random gifts. My stbx never gave them. I learned to live without. I was okay with it.
Then I found out stbx loved giving random gifts to OM1. It drove me crazy! I was so angry that I once demanded she buy me a gift for no reason and she did. But the fact that I demanded it of course ruined any pleasure. Sigh. I quickly lost that gift.
Well, I learned the hard way to just look away...and that has made all the difference.
Peace,
Gordie
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Speaking of gifts,,, last night H said to me "so I guess we won't buy each other anything for Christmas this year?" I completely agreed and had no plans to do so either. I was surprised he even brought it up. Why the heck did he?
Devvo - of course you are right about no guarantees for the future. I was thinking back on an article by heartsblessing that said "most" of the MLCers will try to come home toward the end of the Withdrawal Stage. But no guarantee the attempt will actually lead to reconciliation. I do get that it's dangerous thinking though and thanks for the 2 x 4.
