Interesting point. I wasn't looking at it from that point of view. In my case H and I do not see each other very much, if at all. Maybe he will be able to tell by our brief phone calls.
He has said over the last few weeks how sorry he is. Sorry for letting me down, sorry for everything, he just can't seem to say exactly what "everything" is. I told him I forgive him. I forgave him a few weeks into this whole mess when I realized just how messed up he was. It's hard to not forgive someone when you know the real them would never pull this nonsense.
Just not sure when I will be healed. I have moments when I just know everything is going to turn out perfectly fine and then others when it is all doom and gloom.
They don't actually have to be in your presence to see that you are moving forward. They can sense it in your voice, your text messages and yes, from friends. It's when we begin to heal ourselves and we really put forth the effort to move on is when they begin to realize that we aren't sitting there waiting on them or their latest communication.
The best advice that we can give is to say "detach and continue to move forward". Dig deeper for patience and sit quietly...for the answers will be revealed to you in time. BTW, you will have ups and downs for many months, but the more you detach, the fewer down times you will have.
Hang in there!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Patience. That's a big thing for me. I have always been one of those people who goes crazy waiting for things to get done. For other people to do them. Sometimes I feel like I will go bananas.
And as you probably have already guessed...I'm a fixer. This is the first serious, life shattering thing that I can't finish up or fix. I just have to sit here knowing that H is suffering no matter how it might look to others. And even though I try to make things not so horrible I know that our DD isn't buying it and neither is our DGD.
DD is an adult and knows/feels the damage that is being done. She was always a Daddy's girl. Up to the day he left they were inseparable. He spent time every day with her and SIL. DD and H work together so she is still seeing him every single day but he distanced himself from her. DGD is young so she is hurting but doesn't know what the crap is going on so she just thinks H doesn't want to see her anymore. For her it went from seeing him every day to once a week and now to maybe for a few minutes if he happens to run into her.
H was the kind of man that loved his family completely. Mostly now he says that he isn't damaging anything and his relationships with the kids are good but then other times he will say he is losing or has already lost them. He has lost everything.
I can see how easy it would be for someone to just throw in the towel and move on. In some ways it would be so freeing to just be done with it all and start working on an all new relationship. The only problem is that it isn't something I can do. It doesn't feel right to me.
I know that all my fears and feelings aren't a whole lot different from anyone else's in this situation. It is eerie how similar yet different every story seems. Before I started lurking on this site I really thought I was all alone in this. I didn't have any knowledge on MLC and thought somehow this man had managed to lie to me for almost 30 years until he just decided lying was too much trouble and told the truth.
Sometimes I am still afraid he really isn't MLC and truly is just done with me.
Sorry so long and thanks for the advice. I am going to have to read and read and then read some more on detachment.
I'll let you in on a secret...a majority of us are fixers! Patience is the one virtue that I had to work on because I was terrible w/being patient about things.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
It is hard on the kids for a time..they adjust maybe in time they will seek therapy to sort it all out I always told my kids and still do if it ever comes up that dad got sick..never had a thing to do with them..
I believe MLC is real maybe some people transition easier than others to different stages of life some people may feel off and go to therapy then there are the MLCers ....for whatever reason, unresolved issues from childhood may tip them over the line..some people minds snap ..life is stressful and without good coping skills well who knows what can be the MLCer suddenly reverts back to an age where maybe responsibility is not there they can play, drink, spend, have affair whatever- they can't see future consequences just like a teen or young adult may take wild chances ...everyone pays for their bad choices even teens may lose lots of opportunities for wrong decisions
As you let go, and take care of you, you will get stronger the kids will see that so you become an example to them of how to navigate thru crises
Hang in
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Weekends are the hardest part for me. I think because I know the rest of the days H and OW have to deal with work and school for her kids. The don't have unlimited time for each other.
I know I don't need to dwell on what they are or might be doing. It's just this time of year we were always involved in so much holiday fun. The thought of H continuing our traditions, just with a different family, is so hard. The few times we talked about the things we used to do he said he just wouldn't be doing that kind of stuff anymore. He enjoyed it so much I just have a hard time believing he isn't doing it.
But then he enjoyed his family too and seems to have no trouble being without us.
Off now to spend some time with DGD. The goal today is no tears in public. Wish me luck!
Weekends are tough on me too. It’s when stbx runs off for fun with OM2 with smiles and cheer. And yes, she takes him to what used to be “our” places. This is why they say don’t snoop and don’t focus on what they are doing. Take your eyes off of him. Get so busy with your own life that you don’t even think about him. You can do this. Just one day at a time. And yes, there are days I do feel like giving up. It’s okay to feel that way too.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Hi Hunny, sorry you are finding the weekends difficult. It is rough to be sat at home wondering what kind of great time they are having, so I'm glad to read you are getting out for a while.
Actually, I think that's key - and having some structure and plans for your weekend will help, rather than the time stretching out ahead of you..
Take care and know that brighter times do truly lie ahead for you..
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I've noticed a few things lately and wonder if any of you notice/noticed the same kind of things at the beginning of the MLC craziness.
H looks older. His hair does seem to be thinning now, it wasn't before but it is now. He looks like he is gaining weight. I spend my time thinking he is out with OW having a ball only to find out he is sick...again. He has been sick more times in the last few months than he has been in the last five years. The depression and anxiety are still around too. So it seems he is now actually turning into what he might have been afraid he was going to turn into. It's like he started them ball rolling and now he is as pitiful as he wrongly thought he was when this started.
There were several events recently that he had wanted to do. In fact he (we)had been planning them for quite some time. The only difference would have been OW would have been with him. Well turns out he has only been able to do one of them and from what I have been told he said it was miserable. A total waste of money and he didn't have any fun. As for all the other events, he was either too sick to go or had an anxiety issue.
So I spent my time with my H when he was an occasionally grumpy but otherwise healthy, happy, fun loving man who was always the guy everyone wanted to be around. OW is spending her time with a horrible version of him. Angry, depressed, borderline mean, tired, constantly freaking out, sick, job falling apart, mess of a man.
Is this the way it goes? Do the MLCers turn into exactly what they feared?
We have seen these changes and it's because of the stress, trying to burn the candle at both ends, trying to be young and not eating properly. He will probably look tired at times too and yes, they tend to be sick quite a bit. It's a bundle all wrapped up in depression. At some point, further down the road, he may begin to look a bit better...but that's going to be a while.
Hunny, take a stroll around some of other threads. You will see that many of them turn out just as they feared they would years down the road. They become the mirror image of the person you knew and loved (exact opposite). Also, they only allow you to see them as they are at the moment. When they are out and about w/others, the nicer mask comes into play and sometimes, they will reveal their true selves to the OP, but it's a difficult juggle of being the true self and the mask of happiness. It takes a lot of energy to do so.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
but otherwise healthy, happy, fun loving man who was always the guy everyone wanted to be around. OW is spending her time with a horrible version of him. Angry, depressed, borderline mean, tired, constantly freaking out, sick, job falling apart, mess of a man.