Common advice here is do not compare yourself to OW ever. Who messes around with a married person? Someone who is being lied to, someone who is lying to themselves, or someone who has no moral compass (or all three at the same time). The dating pool for adulterers is unfortunately large but only filled with people willing to be in that filthy pool (including your H). You are better than that and you know it.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
What Gordie posted is absolutely spot on. I know that we all tend to compare ourselves to the other person in the beginning...but they are nothing more than weak, insecure people with their own issues looking for someone to rescue them. They are just a band aid to what ails our spouses/companions.
Hold your head up high, back straight because you are nothing like this person. You honor your marriage vows and aren't out there trolling looking for the next person to take care of your or be your sugar daddy until the well of wealth runs dry.
You are far, far better than this woman. You have nothing to be ashamed of, nor hide from the world. Don't allow your fears/obsessions of this woman to take away from the person that you are....you are honest, compassionate and kind. Continue moving forward w/your head held high and your back straight.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job and Gordie already posted wise advice to you. I'd also like to say that MLCers tend to 'affair down' - partly I think it is a practical thing - 'affair up' women probably run a mile and don't give them the time of day. But also I think there is something about needing to find your own level in someone else - find someone also in crisis or with issues...I think that is what happens.
In my case, OW is intelligent and attractive and much younger. But also her last R was an affair that led to a marital breakdown and she cheated on that guy with XH - ie: she is an emotional mess and the fallout around that is pretty immense...
So, please don't for a moment think that OW must have something 'better' than you - I have never once seen that be the case...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
as already mentioned what kind of person sleeps with a Married person?
the mlcer wants a life of fun and freedom it makes sense they would pick someone who also has responsibility issues
MY XH picked his secretary he hired her she had come to this area leaving her only daughter to be raised by a family member back home She at 28, helped break up our family she was divorced
she was a teen mom and her D ran away and was very troubled. her whole family was addicted to drugs from what I heard as well as her and XH they M in 2009 Divorced in 2017 she is a loser and she only helped bring XH down the Affair and M made him worse
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Thanks to all of you for the words of wisdom. I'm having a hard time wrapping my head around how a woman could do this to another woman as well as how my H could even think about it.
People tell me it is time to move on...it's no big deal really he just fell in love with someone else. Things like this happen every day. One "friend" even told me that he has the right to want to be happy and he isn't hurting me, I am hurting myself by not accepting the fact that he simply wants to spend his life with someone else. So I asked her if he seemed unhappy before and she said well no not exactly. So there ya go.
A loving, stable guy walked away from not only his wife but his kids, friends, hobbies, and is pretty much doing everything in his power to try and get fired from a job he loves. I think walking or rather running away from everything is a little different than just leaving your wife for someone else.
Sadly though it is still enough to make me question the whole MLC thing. What if I am wrong and only seeing things the way I want to see them? Is it possible that he really fell in love with a woman he had only known a few weeks and she truly is the person he was supposed to spend his life with? I was just a distraction along the way until their paths crossed?
I have asked myself all of those same questions. And you know what? It was just a waste of my time that I’ll never get back. There are no answers to those questions so why spend your precious time ruminating them? Take a walk. Breathe in the fresh air. Enjoy the sunset. Talk to a friend. Read a book.
My stbx told me she found her soul mate in OM1. I spent hours and days wondering if this guy would make her happy, if he was her true love. Then they broke up and she is now on to OM2. Does that make me feel better? No.
And how long were you married? Don’t let him gaslight you. No, he wasn’t miserable the whole time. You did have a real relationship and good times together. He may forget those ever happened but that doesn’t mean that they didn’t.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
The confusion you are experiencing is perfectly normal and all of us here have had it and perhaps still do.
None of us here are professionals and I certainly am not any sort of expert in the human condition.
I think you are doing the right thing by examining and questioning your own perception of things. There's an old line that there are "three sides to every story - his, her's and the truth".
As tough as it is, you need to separate your own vision of yourself from him. Part of what we are taught here is to be complete in ourselves and that we are worthy.
Another thing that you can try is to pull off the rose coloured glasses. It's not easy. I don't see as you've identified your ages or how long you had been together but since you are here on the MLC forum I can assume that this has been a long-term relationship. Part of what I feel makes a long-term relationship work is to minimize those parts of the other person that you find less attractive and focus on the good parts. But when you look at this person in the cold light of dawn without those glasses on in these circumstances, you need to ask yourself honestly how surprised you are. In my case and with hindsight, I'm not too surprised that my STBX did stray. And indeed there may have been prior incidents. According to the rumour mill - there were.
As far as his "suddenly" finding love after a few weeks - assuming that it has indeed only been a few weeks - he sounds like he is running, racing around searching for something that he believes he is missing. As job has written to me very very many times (I'm a slow learner) - we didn't break them - we can't fix them.
As far as those friends go who are supporting him on his mad dash "to be happy" - pay them no mind. People who haven't been through this have no comprehension of the sheer volume of pain we are going through. Relationships are not disposable.
There's lots of reading through the links Cadet found. The ones from AmyC really helped me to understand that I don't understand and perhaps never will.
Stay strong.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Kml - No bipolar issues in family and up to this point no behavior like this from him ever, he was a solid stand up guy. OW was the girlfriend of an old friend of his we ran into at a family get together. H and his family hadn't seen the guy in quite some time and OW wasn't with him that day. The next week they went on a day ride with H and a bunch of his family and friends. All was well and then we had our issue. Not long after that the friend and OW split up and then they ran into each other while H was out with other friends. It was the most he had been out in years and he was feeling down and apparently she is very good at making a guy feel better about himself.
Hmmm...he meets her once, then she just "happens" to dump (or be dumped by) her boyfriend and they just "happen" to run into each other later? Sounds really suspicious. I'd guess one of two scenarios:
1) They met at that party, flirted or even kissed behind the boyfriend's back, and then she dumped him for you H OR
2) they met at the party, her boyfriend dumped her shortly after for unrelated reasons, and she, being a desperate type, locked onto your H ASAP
If number 2 is the real scenario, guarantee she's a wack job. I mean, who starts up a serious relationship with a guy who has just left his wife only a couple weeks after she goes through a breakup? Only someone who cannot bear to be alone and always has to have a man on the hook. DEFINITELY not a healthy successful woman who just happens to fall in love with your husband.
I wonder if a chat with H's old friend would be enlightening as to why they broke up, and just what kind of woman she is?
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One of the first things we did was to seperate finances. He still pays for some things and says he will continue. Not sure how long that will last if he moves in with OW like she is asking. Thankfully our kiddos are older so no worries on that front except for the hurt and anger they are feeling.
There's a lot more to worry about than just child support. Do either of you have retirement accounts? Savings? If you would be entitled to half of his 401k in a divorce, but he goes out and drains the account and spends it, you haven't got a lot of ways to recoup that money. Definitely see an attorney and just find out what your options are to protect yourself financially. You may need to file an order for temporary support at least to ensure he keeps paying the bills. Plus an attorney can give you an idea of whether you would qualify for spousal support and how much (or whether you would have to pay HIM spousal support if you're the higher earner.)
AndrewP You are so right...we may never understand and as I see what is going on with H I don't know if I really want to. For him to do some of the things he's done he has to be in a very dark place. Deep down I know what you say is the truth. We can't fix them but it would be wonderful if we could at least help. Just a little.
by healing ourselves they see that the kids see that everyone can see we help by eventually forgiving them
When my xh hit the dirt last year-he called me he could have called his sisters, or old friends but he didn't maybe in some ways, as time progresses, they know what they have done and we are the light..I still pray for my xh and his x ow-
the recovery is for us but it does have an effect on others
keep working on you-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
