My husband dropped the bomb about 5 months ago. We had our issues just like every other married couple on the planet but up to that day his words and actions showed love. Not just for me but for our kiddos. Now he has met someone "who he can talk to" and "makes him feel good about himself". And it only took about 3 weeks for him to find this woman who is what he has been looking for. When he dropped the bomb he just kept saying he had lost something and couldn't find it again and he just didn't love me anymore.
At first he was just angry it seemed and convinced of only one thing...we are DONE. Then he swung back and forth between interest in the kids and spending time with them to acting like he isn't even aware they exist. Took him weeks to come and pick up his clothes and still hasn't gotten everything else.
And when it seemed like it was bad enough then came the drinking. So much drinking that it caused problems in every part of his life and he was blowing every cent he had. This from a guy who had always been extremely financially responsible and drank two or three beers every couple months. Dropped everything he ever liked to do and picked up some new hobbies. Of course the other woman is still around.
Then we hit the "we have to get divorced right now phase" but he didn't make a move to do it. At one point he made me angry enough that I scheduled an appointment but they cancelled, he was also ill and couldn't go and then wouldn't commit to another day.
The panic attacks and anxiety came next. Plus the sleepless nights. Apparently from things I have heard and things he has told me they are very bad. Depression struck right after that and now he says he is falling apart and losing everything. We have had some very serious talks and at points it seems he knows he has a problem and genuinely wants to get help. He did go to the doctor and is on a small dose of something for the panic attacks and anxiety. Won't tell me what it is and refuses to go back to the doctor now to tell him he might need more. Talks about going to get other things checked out but backs out. Talks about how he is a failure and has messed up. He will provably die soon and needs to take care of things.
He doesn't say much about the OW and refers to her as just that..."her". He has never said her name to me. Is that weird? Sometimes he talks a bit about her family but he doesn't seem excited about it. He did say she has made comments about his attitude lately.
He has been saying he is not happy. Still. This confuses me because if this woman is just what he needs but he still isn't happy why doesn't he see a problem? At times he will admit he is doing something wrong but if I comment on it he gets angry and denies it. Out of the blue he will tell me he is sorry and never meant to do this or for any of this to happen but then in a flash that sentiment is gone. He thinks if he could just be happy everything else will be ok.
Recently someone he has known and worked with for many years reached out and flat out asked him if he is having MLC. Now it seems he is mad at that person and well of course at me. He says that is absolutely not true, he isn't doing anything wrong, nothing is falling apart. Yet just before he spoke to this person he was admitting everything was messed up and saying he needed to get well.
And as punishment after a couple months of no discussion of divorce he has brought it back up. Wants to know what progress I have made. I said I hadn't done anything and wasn't planning on it. That's how I found out someone questioned him about MLC. He got angry and said we are getting a divorce it is happening. That's what all this is about. Then in the next breath he said or are we waiting until after the holidays?
I am so confused lately. I looked at the stages of MLC and read up on it. It does seem that is what is happening but for the life of me I can't see what stage he might be in. Is it possible to show so many different aspects of each stage and still be at the very beginning?
Any ideas?? Do I still have a chance at salvaging our marriage?
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I am pasting in Cadet's Welcome thread w/lots of homework, so read and ask questions as they come along.
Welcome to the MLC Forum. You will meet people who are at various stages of dealing w/the fallout of their spouses being MIA. I am going to post below, Cadet's Welcome Posting. Please read the links and then come back and ask questions, if you should have any.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon _________________________ Me-63, D30,S29
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So textbook I'm afraid. I've lived through all this and more, as has everyone else here.
You decide when and if you want a divorce. Don't do it for him and don't do it if you don't want it. It's his divorce.
Do protect yourself financially. Consider a separation contract if that is an option. If it isn't, check the accounts very carefully and get him off anything you can. You know they will go through a spending phase too.
He's confused. He doesn't know what he wants or it changes every day. It is just how it goes.
Work on you. Focus on yourself and your kids. The advice is here in all the threads and the homework.
Everyone here knows what you are going through. So sorry that you are here too. Watch out for holiday reconciliations and quick turn-arounds. They are often not long-lasting.
The stage your h is in is replay, since there is a woman in the mix, drinking and picking up new hobbies, etc. I want to point out that the stages are not linear and they can bounce back and forth in them until they have resolved all of their issues. Also, do not focus on the timelines as each person is different, so are their issues and they will take as long as it takes to work through those issues. They timing is very slow and not the same as our timing in real life.
There is always hope and there is always the possibility of saving your marriage, but while he's in crisis, you need to keep the focus on you and your family. The first thing you need to do is protect your assets, i.e., bank accounts, financial credit cards, etc. Why? Because they love to spend money and can't account for what they spent it on and don't care if you have two nickels to rub together at the end of the day.
They have a lot of difficulty sleeping at night because when things are quiet and there's nothing to keep they focused elsewhere, that's when their thoughts run wild about what they've done and where they are going...so, I'm not surprised that he can't sleep.
One more thing, don't bring up the OW...just leave that conversation be. The more you talk about her to him, the more he will be focused on protecting her and you will be pushing him towards her more so. She's nothing but a band aid to his internal pain for now.
I would suggest that you listen to what he has to say, validate his thoughts/feelings about himself.
If he wants a divorce, then he needs to be the one doing the heavy lifting on this. The next time he brings it up say something like this "h, I need some time to adjust to everything that has happened over the last few months and I'll get back to you when I feel comfortable with the situation." Do not do the work for him! If he wants a divorce, then he should do the work.
Hang in there! It's a rough ride on the coaster, but you'll need to buckle up and dig deep for patience because they will try every nerve you have. Continue to post and start reading the homework that I have provided from Cadet and visit the other threads. There is a wealth of info on this forum to help you along the way.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I disagree a bit with some of the previous advice. Given his erratic and financially irresponsible behavior, you need to protect yourself and your kids financially. That may require a legal separation or a divorce. You can always get remarried to him but you may not be able to recover from financial ruin.
As for him "finding" OW three weeks after bomb drop - sure, it's remotely possible, but the odds are 100 to 1 that he started an affair with her BEFORE bomb drop. Not that it changes much in your current situation, but you should know that is almost always the case and get yourself checked for stds.
Now, about the drinking. Did he ever have a substance abuse problem of any kind before? Does anyone in his family? Does anyone in his family have bipolar disorder? Has he ever had depressive episodes or mildly manic episodes before?
I ask because going from a minimal drinker to a heavy drinker is odd behavior even for a MLCer. But someone with bipolar disorder might turn to drugs or alcohol in a manic phase. On the other hand, if he has a history of alcoholism or substance abuse this could just be him falling off the wagon.
See an attorney just to learn what your options are for protecting your financial interests. It might be worth filing in order to protect your share of joint assets before he pisses them all away.
Meanwhile you can be kind - he sounds troubled - but get on with building your life into what you want it to be. This can be a time of great personal growth if you allow it. Figure out what you want to do that being with H was keeping you from pursuing, and do it.
Thank you job and OwnIt. It does help to know others are in the same boat. I don't know anyone who has gone through this before...at least not that anyone has ever said. Looking back I can see so many aspects of a MLC in quite a few of the break ups of people I have known.
It is just so very frustrating. He may not know himself right now but I know him and his family, friends and co-workers do too. He keeps getting mad and saying why does everyone around keep telling me I am acting strange or being a jerk? I just replied that if "everyone" is saying it maybe he should try to figure out why. He has damaged so many relationships it is terrifying.
I have always been very strong and self reliant but this is something that has really just thrown me completely off. I don't know if I am coming or going anymore. I've begged and pleaded, cried and bargained, and even let him push me to setting up that first divorce appointment.
He doesn't call me but he does answer when I call and honestly I am afraid to stop. I know the OW is not the "one" for him. That he doesn't really know her and she doesn't know him....but if I am completely out of the picture and she is all that is around won't she step into my place making it her own?
Your story is so much like mine. BD 5 mo. ago as well and the OW, drinking, apologizing for messing up, etc,,, so much like my story.
No kids in my situation thank goodness. So now I am at a crossroads. What to do? Stay or go? Divorce or not? All I know right now is that I am so tired of the endless pain I feel from his MLC.
He doesn't want to divorce, separation or anything. He moved out after I asked him to - couldn't end it with OW so he had to go. Says often he's sorry and he messed up, but guess what.... nothing changes with that OW situation either. Hard to believe what they say, isn't it?
To be honest, right now I am questioning MLC - not as a condition, because for sure my H is stuck down by a MLC. I'm questioning the whole LBS Standing position based on MLC and the 'poor guy is depressed'thinking and that's why I'm standing malarky. I think 'somewhere' in their addled brains they DO understand right from wrong and they are simply choosing 'wrong'. Immoral wrong to boot if there is an OW around. That's just plain disgusting even if the OW is only a minor feature of a major condition.
Right now I am at that crossroad of whether to file or not. I've been here before and quickly abandoned that as soon as my H puts up the slightest resistance. I think,,, "well he must be planning on coming back if he doesn't want a divorce". Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I think my H thought at one time his diversion would be short lived and then back to normal with me. Instead of it being short lived, he has done nothing but go deeper and deeper into this relationship. Not sure if going deeper is his intention or if he is just too weak to pull himself out of the quicksand but nonetheless, the relationship has done nothing but get deeper over the last 5 mo. Someone he met at an event, didn't know her, but lusted for her so tossed out 20 years of a good M. Just like that - poof. But I sense he wants me waiting in the wings in case he changes his mind (or she does). That's why they resist the divorce. Keep us in place, prevent our closure and therefore our ability to move on to a life without them in it. They don't want that because we have become their Plan B.
I don't trust him one bit to not be using me either. If we finalize our divorce, he gets barely enough to put a down-payment on a cheap apartment in a sub-par part of town. I'll do much better,,,, nice place fully paid for and still lots of MY money in the bank. His money in the bank will be gone by the time he finishes furnishing his cheap apartment.
Pretty sad end for a guy in his early 60's to wind up with so little and few working years left to recoup the losses. He could have at least CONSIDERED seeking some counselling, AD's, ikd,, something before following such a destructive path. It was a GOOD marriage until that one fateful night. Oh well,,, it's done now and I think so am I.
Sorry for the rant and I hope I haven't upset you with it. I have been in such emotional pain - day in and day out - for the last 5 months. I thought I could do this - stand for my marriage - but today I'm pretty sure I can't and I'm done. I have to claim some dignity, self-respect and SANITY in spite of this hell they call MLC. So far Standing hasn't done that for me so unless I cycle back to where I was yesterday, my marriage is done. And the sooner the better. Getting the paperwork started today.
But I don't have kids, I'm not you, and although our situations are similar they are not exact. You may be strong enough to stand for however long it takes. If you do, be prepared to have days like I am having today - where you feel so done.
Despite this rant and the declarations I have made within,,, I STILL do not know what I will think, feel or want to do tomorrow.
Alanon is a great support group much of the same teachings as DB
I believe anyone can cross the line at anytime from light drinker to heavy alcoholic drinker especially when in crises..once the line is crossed it is hard for the drinker to just stop without help..alanon is free for spouses/family of drinkers and very helpful
MLC takes a long time..they are very confused men..change their minds frequently, They lie a lot, spend a ton and become terrible inconsistent parents
I went to a good L just to get information and it was extremely helpful to know when I saw my XH was charging like mad..I took my name off all the cards When I saw my xh was putting our business in debt, I took the business from him and saved it It is hard because I wanted him back but at the same time I had 2 children at that time and one was 5..I needed to be financially capable of raising them
Put yourself first..It may take him a long while to get help
Hang in there..we have all been there Usually most LBS do land on there feet and create good lives for themselves use this time ti work on you..heal and take good care of you and kids let him go his path and watch while you focus on you-
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Re OW. Really dont focus on her as hard as that is. My stbx found her “soul mate” in OM1, broke up and is now on to OM2 all of the confusing words and actions...they are confusing because they make no sense! Vent here and elsewhere. Get it out of your system. This is harrowing and exhausting.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Kml - No bipolar issues in family and up to this point no behavior like this from him ever, he was a solid stand up guy. OW was the girlfriend of an old friend of his we ran into at a family get together. H and his family hadn't seen the guy in quite some time and OW wasn't with him that day. The next week they went on a day ride with H and a bunch of his family and friends. All was well and then we had our issue. Not long after that the friend and OW split up and then they ran into each other while H was out with other friends. It was the most he had been out in years and he was feeling down and apparently she is very good at making a guy feel better about himself.
GalPal - So very hard to believe what they say. Your rant didn't upset me in the slightest. I have my own often. You are not a Plan B.....none of us are. We are good, loving people who are currently being treated in the most crappiest of ways by people who should definitely know better. I go back and forth on the whole MLC issue also. Sometimes I think it is an excuse for irresponsible behavior and then I look at H and realize he doesn't even look like he used to. His eyes are empty, he looks tired and even his voice has changed. I am seriously worried for him every minute of every day.
peace today - Thank you for the info. One of the first things we did was to seperate finances. He still pays for some things and says he will continue. Not sure how long that will last if he moves in with OW like she is asking. Thankfully our kiddos are older so no worries on that front except for the hurt and anger they are feeling.
Gordie - I hear you but it is hard. OW is just so not what I thought an OW would be like. She isn't stunningly beautiful, she isn't thinner, she isn't that much younger, she has more kids, makes way less money, looks like she has lived a much "rougher" life than I have, drinks a lot, and from what I can tell dates around a lot also. So it leaves me wondering if she is all that then how bad must he think I am.
It is hard to watch someone you have loved pretty much your whole life throw away their marriage, their family, friends, job and their future. Even more so when the trash your future at the same time.
I am glad to have others to "talk" to about this but at the same time I am just so sad and sorry that all of you are dealing with this too.
