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Verum #2775081 01/12/18 05:33 AM
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[/quote]"or as some friends suggested there's another man." She responded loudly, "yeah right, how and when? I don't have time for something like that." I agree and have no evidence or even suspicion there's another man. She then went on about how difficult it is for women over 40 to date, and that for me there's a lot of women who would date me. She mentioned how she was propositioned by a 69 year old man, and that was what she had to look forward to. I didn't say anything, but I disagree, both my W and I look young for our age.[/quote]

IMO your W is playing you, she is telling you this to give you hope. Its almoat like well if I dont desire someone else then you still can win me back. NO WAY!


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
Jim1234 #2775155 01/12/18 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted By: Jim1234
That's very similar to my situation. She doesn't envision dating anyone, she'd be happy if she never had sex again, she wants to be friends, she wants to still join my family for holidays, she wants to go out with other couples, she would like my help when she needs it.... I don't know what her "vision" of divorce was, but there was a serious disconnect between her vision and mine.


Eerily similar. My W is surprised that I would remain married in a good relationship, but if divorced, I won't be her best buddy.

Originally Posted By: Jim1234
Hopefully, when she realizes she can't have what she wants, and what she's left with isn't that great, maybe she'll rethink the divorce. In my case, I think it's going to take a long time for that realization to sink in. In the meantime, I'm trying to disconnect, and move on with my life, because that realization may never come....


This is the difficult part. I agree it may take a long time too. Since you're separated, detaching and getting to a point where you might care either way about the D may happen faster for you. For me having the W under the same roof, I have a mental schedule that if there's no sign of improvement in the late Spring, I'll be moving the D along, whereas now I am sitting back.


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Verum #2775190 01/12/18 03:45 PM
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We lived in the same house almost a year from the time she told me she was filing. The whole time, I had hope, and it made detaching terribly difficult. I didn't give myself a timeline, but was hopeful the entire time. It was horrible. I travel a lot, and every time I came home from a trip I expected the house to be empty. It was mentally exhausting.

In some ways, having her move out was a huge relief, and of course, in others, devastating. But I never would have begun to detach if she were still here.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2775361 01/14/18 06:09 PM
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So. I texted our friends and cancelled the lunch date. I told them I didn't see myself going to lunch with W two days after being served with D papers. My W wanted to know what our lunch plans were. She texted me if I contacted them to confirm the time. I replied, after a delay, that I texted them "Thanks for the invite, but I have to decline." She replied later, "Good to know, Thanks". She was mad about cancelling the lunch date. When she got home she asked me what I told them. I replied to her that I told them what I had in the text.

On Friday night, I joined a poker game with the guys I play soccer with. I had a great time. I don't really care for gambling, but I like drinking and socializing. the GAL like this really gets my mind off of my troubled MR. Also, I wonder what W thought being I got home so late?

On Saturday I was going hiking with two good friends, a couple, and D16. After hiking we went for lunch at winery. The wife in the couple is one of my W's best friends. When we're at lunch, I tell them about the pending D and they already knew. I was unsure if they knew. It is interesting because they are friends with both me and my W, and they did say they hope that they don't have to choose between us. I told them that I was fine doing family things together or big events where lots of people went, but I couldn't go out with just the four of us anymore. I think they understood. I did learn from them that my W was crying the night before because they were with her. My W obviously knew I was going hiking and to lunch with this couple, and I wonder what she thought because she didn't come? I suspect my W's idea of a D but keeping all the good things such as getting together with friends as a couple will not happen.

So on Saturday while I was hiking, my W was doing work. Then she was out -- I don't know where. After dinner she asked D11 if she wanted to see the Avengers movie. D11 said no. My W left and came back about 1000. I think she just wanted to get out of the house, away from me.

Another dose of realty happened on Sunday. Two couples, including the one I went hiking with on Saturday, invited us to a movie and then dinner afterwards. The 6 of us are real close. I told them I would go, however I missed the movie. I did make the dinner. My W didn't go. This is extremely out of character for her to skip a invite like this. I image the two other women had texted my W and knew exactly why she didn't come. When I got home my W was doing laundry.

I think my W's fantasy of getting a D but remaining best buddies with me is collapsing. I have little hope it will change the trajectory. Anyway, considering I was served D papers, I had a good weekend.

Question: Does what I describe sound like the LRT? Because this is what I'm trying to do even though we're under the same roof.


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Verum #2775452 01/15/18 10:26 AM
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My W seemed to have taken MLK day off. I have it off too.

In the morning I found my W and D16 in the kitchen. They had hash browns cooking in the oven. I was going to make myself an omelet and asked if anybody wanted one too. My W said yes, so I made the two of us spinach and cheese omelets. D11 joined us and the four of us ate around the counter and chatted. I then left to go flying. I'm getting some flight time in before I take D16 (soon to be D17) to visit some colleges.

When I got back my W was taking all three girls to go running.

I also noticed my W ironed some of my shirts for me.

I have noticed my W is spending more time with my girls since BD and since she decided to file for D.


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Verum #2775455 01/15/18 10:32 AM
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Little things seem to come out like that every once and a while. I'm not quite sure it really means anything other than your W felt like ironing.

I mean, I have to stop myself from reading into things like this because... Well. Sometimes it is just the calm before the storm.

I'm not trying to be negative! Just be prepared for it to mean NOTHING.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joe2017 #2775516 01/16/18 04:17 AM
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Originally Posted By: Joe2017
Little things seem to come out like that every once and a while. I'm not quite sure it really means anything other than your W felt like ironing.


Joe, I completely agree.


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Verum #2775517 01/16/18 04:23 AM
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I live in a valley with a single road in and out. I was home after my flight and about to leave to the supermarket. My W came home with my girls, and left again just 5 minutes before me. The road is single lane each way with a 55 mph speed limit. As I came around a bend in the road, I saw four cars parked on the side. Up ahead was a car flipped over, it was my W’s car. I drove past all the cars, stopped, got out and ran to the car. The passenger side was towards me and I could see movement inside. I ran around to the driver’s side and pulled the door handle and the door opened. My W was there sitting in a dazed and confused state. She asked me how was I there? Did I see the other car?

She had no obvious physical injury and I told her to stay there because I was afraid of head or back injuries. Another man came soon after me. Eventually he said he was a Dr. and the two of us helped my W out of the car.

When the EMT arrived he started asking her questions and I realized how incoherent she was. She didn’t know what day it was, etc. They put her on an ambulance and took her to a hospital a little further away than the local one because the farer hospital took care of trauma patients.

I was an emotional mess. When the cop asked me about insurance and other information, I started to cry. I called a friend (let me call her EVE) who is both my friend and one of my W’s best friends. I asked her if she could come and take me to the hospital. She readily agreed. In fact, she told me my W was on her way to meet her and another friend (let me call her JANE) at a coffee shop to chat (about W wanting to D me).

Since it’s the only road in and out of the valley, many friends saw or quickly heard about the accident. My neighbors called me and I asked them to look in on my girls. I went home, told my girls their mom was in a car accident but was OK except she hit her head and needed to get examined. D16 and D14 took it in stride, but D11 was very upset as was I.

Our friends EVE and JANE came and took me to the hospital. On the way to the hospital they told me that I was their friend as much as my W. This was really nice of them, because as many men, I do leave much of the social planning to my W. We went into the ER and there was a lot of cops and prison guards around. Some of the patients were chained. The hospital is close to a prison and many of the trauma patients are obviously inmates or newly arrested gang members.

We found my W in the ER and she was now coherent and making sense. EVE, JANE, my W, and me were talking and joking as we were waiting on my W’s CAT scan results. We joked that my W was one of the few patients who wasn’t in chains. The results came back that there was no damage and she was discharged. She is bruised. She has a bruise where the seat belt crosses you, and she has a big bump on the top of her head. Probably because she was strapped into the seat belt and the car came to rest upside down so when she undid her seat belt she fell on her head.

While we were in the hospital the cop came. There was another car involved with an older guy who did swerve into my W’s lane. The cop said the other car hit the driver’s side rear passenger door. He said he estimates the car flipped 7 times. The other driver was in the hospital a room away from my W. It’s really amazing what the cops can discern from the physical evidence. Of course, the cop’s son goes to BJJ where my W goes. We live in a small freaking community.

She was discharged about 3 hours after the accident. My W of course thanked our friends EVE and JANE umpteen times. I felt like what about me? Later after everybody left, she did thank me.

Originally, I suspected my W was speeding and also on the cell phone. It seems this is not true, or at least if it was a contributing factor, the cops are not going to investigate. The old man swerved out of his lane and that’s what the cops are going with. I didn’t see the other car.

I felt so many different emotions. It was really upsetting to see my W so dazed and confused. To see the state of the car, I really thought she would be dead or severely injured.

As a back story, my W is driving a Honda Civic which has the Tabata air bags that were recalled. I took her car to the Honda dealer two months ago for the recall. Honda replaced the air bag detonators for free due to the recall, but it seems my car also had defective sensors not covered by the recall. The price tag was $2000 to replace the sensors. I balked at the price and didn’t have the work done. The sensors only effected the passenger side air bag. My W was angry about the car’s air bags. In fact, after the BD there was an interesting exchange between us. Her car had a slow leak in a tire and I texted her that she should get it fixed because it was dangerous to drive on a tire so low on air. Normally, I take care of the car’s maintenance, but since BD I wasn’t going to take care of her car. She replied, “Well since I have no airbags, danger is more relative.” Today the airbags saved her life. The driver’s side, and the curtain air bags all deployed. The passenger side air bag did not.

I read the above and don’t see how anybody can believe it. I wasn’t the first person on the scene, but I was the first to run out of my car once I saw it was W’s car. BTW, I have no expectation this will change anything in our sitch. My W’s discussion afterwards was all about how she felt; not that I can blame her since it was obviously traumatic for her too.


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Verum #2775518 01/16/18 04:33 AM
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You're a good dude, FC. I can imagine the emotional stuff is inbound, or has already hit.

What a rollercoaster, man. Just keep journaling if you need to. I've found that this is the only place where people actually understand what is going on in our lives.


Save yourself. Nobody is coming!
BD:11/2017
Filed:12/2017
Final: 2/2018
Joe2017 #2775525 01/16/18 05:32 AM
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Oh man, that is horrible! Glad you were there for her, even if she wasn't sure she wanted you there.


Me: Mid 40s W : Early 40s
M:11 T:13
S, D, both 7-10
BD : 11/2017
Separation : 1/18
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