Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
Piggybacking on AnotherStander, I seriously doubt I would have done the introspection I have done if she were still in the house. The realizations I have had since she moved out, and the habits I have changed are the only things that MIGHT convince her to try again. They probably won't, but I never would have had them without it. And she might come to some realizations herself.


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Jim1234 #2774880 01/11/18 04:20 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
V
Verum Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
AS and Jim: Right now separation is not in the cards for me. I had told my W last weekend "this would be easier if you moved out." She cried and said, "how would you feel if I told you to move out?" I replied in an almost laughing voice, "Well, you told me you want a divorce." So she's not moving out and neither am I. I think I want to keep the house after a D. I still need to think it over and all the options, and make sure staying in the house is not just an emotional response to lots of unwanted change.

I came home a little late yesterday and W was cooking dinner with my girls in the kitchen. I sat down and we were all talking. I got a call from a colleague and started talking about an issue from work that's been going on for awhile. I did walk away as I talked, but W overhead some of the conversation and she asked me about it. I gave her a one word answer and then continued with the rest of the conversation. I was happy and upbeat the whole dinner. After dinner D11 wanted to play a board game. I said yes, but it is better with at least three players. My two teens didn't want to but my W joined us. The three of us played the game, joked, laughed and had a good time. I then got up and went to the MBR.

I've reread the LRT many times. It's where most people on this board are. The LRT while living together is tough to implement. I don't pursue my W, but through our kids and living together we interact and I'm not going to be hostile to her. I don't ask her about her day, I don't offer her anything about mine, I don't do anything for her unless it is for everyone, I don't ask where she is or tell her where I'm going.

Having fun with the game might help remind her of what she is giving up. Or have her think that I am somebody she could have a MR with. However, I guess at this point I have less than a 1 in 10 chance of not being D by the end of 2018.


------------------
Verum #2774882 01/11/18 04:42 AM
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Mar 2016
Posts: 3,952
Originally Posted By: FastCars
I think I want to keep the house after a D. I still need to think it over and all the options, and make sure staying in the house is not just an emotional response to lots of unwanted change.


FastCars,

I kept my house after the divorce and that was a godsend for my sons. The house offered a sense of stability for them during a difficult time. It was also a big part of my GAL activities (home improvement projects).

The added bonus is that, according to Twillow, the value of the house has gone up significantly over the past year.

doodler #2774887 01/11/18 05:06 AM
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 613
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2017
Posts: 613
Doodler: I have the exact same thoughts. Even something familiar and stability for the kids and as a bonus GAL activity. And I wouldn't have to ask W for opinions what she thinks about my ideas. But that's in the hands of my in-laws now...


Me:39 W:36
S:12 D:9
T:14 M:11
Separation:sep. 1 2017
D filed oct. 2017
D finalized july 2018
OM confirmed feb 2018
D finalized July 2018

The fact is this. You have to be in pain before you can learn.
petri #2774922 01/11/18 08:14 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
V
Verum Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
The W texts me this morning asking when I'll be home to be served the D papers. She also asked who would I like to be served by? So f-ing nice and polite.

I waited a bit to absorb it and texted her that I would want to be served by a stranger. I hate the idea of any of our friends serving me.

So now she's working on getting one of these process servers.


------------------
Verum #2774956 01/11/18 09:25 AM
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
Likes: 1
Originally Posted By: FastCars
AS and Jim: Right now separation is not in the cards for me.


Sorry when I said "Separation really helps with DB'ing" I meant physical separation, not separation in lieu of divorce. What I was trying to say is when D happens and the two parties move apart (physical separation), DB'ing is easier and more productive. I know a lot of LBS's see D as some kind of dead end, like you hit D and that's the end of the road. I don't see it that way, it's only the end if that's what you choose. We're constantly preaching removing all pressure from the WAS and D certainly has a way of doing that.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
I don't remember if you have a lawyer yet, but if you do, you could ask W to serve your lawyer, who will get the papers to you....


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Verum #2775011 01/11/18 05:06 PM
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 339
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2017
Posts: 339
Originally Posted By: FastCars
I think I want to keep the house after a D. I still need to think it over and all the options, and make sure staying in the house is not just an emotional response to lots of unwanted change.


Do not let her know this. My attorney advised me to not tell my W anything including this.

I hope for the best for you, but I also wouldn't respond to her asking me who I want to serve me... that is just wrong. If its me just serve me.


M:52 W:49
D:26 S:24 S:23 D:20
ILYBNILWY 5/28/17
Still living together
W filed 1/5/18
W moved out 8/24/18
D final 9/18/20
bhappy2 #2775060 01/12/18 04:10 AM
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
V
Verum Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
V
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 539
Originally Posted By: bhappy2
Originally Posted By: FastCars
I think I want to keep the house after a D. I still need to think it over and all the options, and make sure staying in the house is not just an emotional response to lots of unwanted change.


Do not let her know this. My attorney advised me to not tell my W anything including this.

I hope for the best for you, but I also wouldn't respond to her asking me who I want to serve me... that is just wrong. If its me just serve me.


Bhappy, I agree with you. I did't tell her I want the house.

I told her I wanted to served by a stranger, and she arranged the process server to arrive to the house at 5 and I took the documents. The D petition was dated on the same day she wrote the complementary email saying all the nice things about me -- probably driven by guilt.

I told my W I wanted to discuss the D papers after the kids were in bed. I asked her how she envisioned her proposal of us living together post-divorce (see earlier in thread where she proposed this). She gave the motivation of the expense of D and being able to see the kids every day. She would live in a granny unit (we would have to build one). I asked how she envisioned her life? For her nothing changes, she has her work and her friends.

I then asked my W why on the D petition she requested "sole physical custody". California also has a joint physical custody option. This really pissed me off because I am very involved in my kids life. Her reply was that it doesn't really matter what she put because it all has to negotiated. I asked her what type of schedule? She said maybe a rotating schedule of 4 days / 3 days between us. In my response to the petition I'll put joint.

I asked what she thought would happen to the house? She didn't say outright that if the idea of us living together post-D doesn't work out, then she wants the house. I suspect she does. I told her that it was likely neither one of us could keep the house because the California real estate has gone up so much that we don't have enough cash to buy each other out of the house. This is not quite true, I've been trying to think of creative ways to buy her out involving giving up most of my retirement (I'm in really good health, and in my job I can work into my 70s and planned to anyway).

Throughout the conversation it was me asking her questions. Lastly, I told her she must be very unhappy to see this as a solution. She started to get emotional, and I should have kept my mouth shut, but I continued my thought by saying ... "or as some friends suggested there's another man." She responded loudly, "yeah right, how and when? I don't have time for something like that." I agree and have no evidence or even suspicion there's another man. She then went on about how difficult it is for women over 40 to date, and that for me there's a lot of women who would date me. She mentioned how she was propositioned by a 69 year old man, and that was what she had to look forward to. I didn't say anything, but I disagree, both my W and I look young for our age.

So my W's vision is to be alone post-D. This is consistent with comments and things she's said over the past year or two.

So in bizarro world, my W then told me that another couple invited us to lunch this weekend at a local winery, and is Saturday or Sunday good for me? SOMEBODY HIT ME WITH A 2X4. Is this not cake-eating to the supreme? Hours after she serves me D papers, she is expecting me to go on a lunch date with her and our friends.

She wants to keep the parts of MR that she likes such as couple's social events and so forth. What does D do for her? I'm still unsure other than we don't have sex anymore.


------------------
Verum #2775066 01/12/18 04:30 AM
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Mar 2017
Posts: 723
That's very similar to my situation. She doesn't envision dating anyone, she'd be happy if she never had sex again, she wants to be friends, she wants to still join my family for holidays, she wants to go out with other couples, she would like my help when she needs it.... I don't know what her "vision" of divorce was, but there was a serious disconnect between her vision and mine.

Hopefully, when she realizes she can't have what she wants, and what she's left with isn't that great, maybe she'll rethink the divorce. In my case, I think it's going to take a long time for that realization to sink in. In the meantime, I'm trying to disconnect, and move on with my life, because that realization may never come....


M:23 T:26
Me:53, Wife: 60
S:18
D:16
filed 7/16
W moved out 4/28/17
Page 8 of 11 1 2 6 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard